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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To have phoned BIL to collect DN as he hurt DD?

144 replies

Aryaneedle · 16/01/2020 17:12

I was furious so I think my anger is fuelled my unreasonableness.

I picked up by two nephews from school along with my DD and DS. DN is 12 and has just gone up to secondary school along with my DS, also 12. He's had a rough transition as he had a shoving and pushing fight in the first two weeks and then my DSIS made a massive song and dance about it, DN got really stressed and ended up in hospital for two weeks with stomach pains that eventually were put down to anxiety.

My DSIS has struggled on and off to get him into school since (it has been made into something DN can negotiate now) and he saw a private psychotherapist last week.

DN has been aggressive towards his little brother (age 7) ALOT and is generally quite 'cocky' and cheeky to adults, swears, doesn't listen and is rude to my parents (his GP) and me. He said also really disrespectful of my house. Jumps about, puts his dirty hands on my white walls and ceiling etc.

Tonight was the last straw. On Tuesday he punched my DD (age 8) in the leg just as he was leaving my house and was causing a huge scene for my parents, so I let it go as it was really fraught. Tonight, after I collected them he has scratched my DD on the hand and made it bleed profusely. DN then told me to fuck off when I told him off. I made all 4 children sit in my eyeline and was shaking with anger, I had to phone BIL (a policeman) to come and get them as DN was shouting and swearing at me. I left a very physically abusive marriage and I don't cope well with aggression. Especially towards DD and little kids.

WIBU to phone BIL? I have sent BIL a message to apologise but said I can't tolerate him hurting my DD. I've had no response and I'm expecting to get it in the neck from my DSIS tbh.

OP posts:

PanicAndRun · 16/01/2020 18:19

I was wondering if, as the adult, I should have been able to handle the situation?

You did handle it. You removed the aggressive,shouty,sweary child from the situation so you could focus on DD and make her feel safe in her own home.

If at all possible I would still have the younger nephew at yours as much as you can, so he can get a respite from his brother's behaviour and violence.

dorisdog · 16/01/2020 18:19

Definitely not BU. I'm sure your DN needs some help, but you need to protect your DD. Also, I'd say this a useful moment to teach your DD that when someone is aggressive you can have them removed and you don't have to put up with their behaviour. Even better would be to show her that she doesn't need to apologise for keeping herself safe. Show her how it's done. A firm 'no' to him being around your family until he's got the right help/discipline.

Pumpkintopf · 16/01/2020 18:19

Definitely you were not unreasonable and I wouldn't have him over again.

Nanny0gg · 16/01/2020 18:20

YABU to apologise.

And your DSis and DBiL need to get this dealt with without you having to be involved at all.

CactusAndCacti · 16/01/2020 18:23

Once they realise nobody wants to be treated like that they may address his behaviour more effectively...

Do you honestly think they aren't trying? Do you honestly think they enjoy being hit and swore at? Our 'help' so far includes telling me not to get cross/ angry when he calls me a f"'&# b"'& .

Judge all you like, I pretty much hate my life, so I guess more judging makes little difference.

GetOffTheTableMabel · 16/01/2020 18:23

@Aryaneedle You left a physically abusive marriage. One of the things your daughter needs, above anything else, is to see you draw clear boundaries about abuse. Someone hurt her, you protected her. You showed her how to stand up for herself, how to put a stop to an unacceptable situation. Now she needs you to keep on doing that. You can’t backtrack now. You need to keep on protecting her, unapologetically.
Keep being brave for her and for yourself.

CactusAndCacti · 16/01/2020 18:25

If at all possible I would still have the younger nephew at yours as much as you can, so he can get a respite from his brother's behaviour and violence.

This is actually really good advice, if they are clashing a lot taking one out of the situation really helps.

OwlBeThere · 16/01/2020 18:26

You aren’t at all unreasonable for getting his dad go fetch him if he’s not listening to you.
But no one bleeds ‘profusely’ from a scratch.

Jokie · 16/01/2020 18:26

You've done absolutely nothing wrong and if your DSIS says otherwise, she needs her head shaking.

You protected your daughter
You put very clear boundaries and gave him clear consequences of what would happen when he crossed them.
You were the responsible adult here and handled the situation appropriately. You didn't go extreme, you didn't cause drama. You sorted it.

HaudYerWheeshtYaWeeBellend · 16/01/2020 18:28

with your BIL being a police officer he needs to quickly learn his son that he can be arrested and charged for hurting others. Family or not. The child needs to learn he can't go about hurting others.

MustangsDraggedMeAway · 16/01/2020 18:28

This jumped out at me;

DN got really stressed and ended up in hospital for two weeks with stomach pains that eventually were put down to anxiety.

No wonder the NHS is stretched so thin.

TimeForPlentyIn2020 · 16/01/2020 18:30

Good god, do not have him again and STICK TO IT!

If they try and push or guild trip you into it - ‘oh he’ll be stuck if you don’t get him’ then STILL STICK TO IT!!!

Whynosnowyet · 16/01/2020 18:30

Allowing other family members to be at risk isn't responsible parenting. Knowing his current behavior his dps felt fine putting your dc in his firing line.

blindmansbluff · 16/01/2020 18:30

However my DS (who is very nearly 12) has violent and challenging behaviour. Whilst he has never hit anyone outside his immediate family, he has displayed other behaviours. We experience most things on a daily basis. It just saddens me to read the above.

This situation is completely different to yours, you come across like one of those people who make other people's problems all about them. OP hasn't mentioned any SN and as it would be a big mitigating factor we can likely assume there is none.

I am a parent of a child with challenging behaviour myself due to SN. Even if this kid has additional needs, they are not an excuse for violent behaviour towards more vulnerable children.

user1471590586 · 16/01/2020 18:33

I agree with HaudYerWheeshtYaWeeBellend; he needs to be told that's its assault by his police officer father. Isn't the age of criminal responsibility 10, so he could get a criminal record for attacking other children.

Whynosnowyet · 16/01/2020 18:33

CactusAndCacti they put other dc at risk.
Not in imo. Sorry you are having a hard time.
Not judging at all.
Nobody's dc are perfect.

Leeds2 · 16/01/2020 18:34

I don't think you were unreasonable at all, and I wouldn't want anyone in my home who deliberately hurt my DC.
However I think, if I were you, I would continue to collect the 7 year old if needed, as I don't think he has done anything wrong. Maybe the 12 year old could make his own way home, and stay there until his parents arrive? Many 12 year olds do this.

Softskin88 · 16/01/2020 18:37

Sorry, but if he has SN of some sort then that’s not your problem, nor is it “OK” for you and DD to bear the brunt of it.

I’d go NC if they have a problem
With that.

LordOfTheWhys · 16/01/2020 18:38

YANBU to send him home.

YABU to say this 'my DSIS made a massive song and dance about it, DN got really stressed and ended up in hospital' Your nephew wasn't admitted to hospital because your DSIS was ott about him being attacked at school.

You're low on sympathy because he swore at you and hurt your DC and it's fine to send him home. But, your nephew is obviously struggling and dealing with a lot of issues. I doubt very much they're caused by your DSIS over-reacting to what happened at school.

CactusAndCacti · 16/01/2020 18:39

I am simply trying to offer a perspective from how the parents might be feeling.

Anyway I am going to hide the thread as it is too triggering and upsetting.

WhereYouLeftIt · 16/01/2020 18:39

"I was wondering if, as the adult, I should have been able to handle the situation? (Which is what I'm predicting my DSIS will say) I honestly just wanted him away from DD though."
If your sister tries to pull that stunt just tell her that 'she is the adult in the relationship between her and her son, how's that working for you sister dearest?'.

SHE DOES NOT GET TO OFFLOAD HER RESPONSIBILITIES ONTO YOU.

AND SHE DOES NOT GET TO ENDANGER YOUR CHILDREN BY INSISTING HER AGGRESSIVE SON BE AROUND THEM.

ohfourfoxache · 16/01/2020 18:44

The only appropriate reaction from your dsis is “I’m sorry”

It’s is never ok for one child to hurt another, cousins or not (my sis and I share childcare, each looking after 4 all together. If my kids hurt my nephews I would be fuming - as would my sister be. There shouldn’t be any other reaction.

impossible · 16/01/2020 18:47

It sounds like a horrible situation but YANBU. You did exactly the right thing and didn't need to apologise, though I understand why you might in an effort to keep the peace.

It sounds as though your parents have seen dn's behaviour so there will be no doubt he is out of order. Your dsis would be unreasonable to be angry, thoguh if she's under a lot of strain she may.

Perhaps what you did will make your dn think about his behaviour.

FoamingAtTheUterus · 16/01/2020 18:49

YANBU.

It sounds like he's struggling with something. And his parents need to be te ones to deal with it.

DishingOutDone · 16/01/2020 18:49

I think by apologising you are feeding in to your DSis and BiL's of them being the victims, poor boy etc. Be careful with that.

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