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Original poster

Ex left toddler in hotel alone to go bar, so wrong?!

305 replies

Nothappy83 · 15/01/2020 23:08

Hi all, feeling really sad (and bit shocked) my ex let slip that during his access last weekend with our 3 year old son, that he left him in the hotel room alone (asleep) so that he, my ex, could go and join the lads for pints at the bar in the same hotel.

I really don't feel happy about this -- for one everyone knows any old staff have duplicate keys to hotel rooms, could've been abducted (unlikely but still) also could have woken up, he does wake up from time to time still, so could have been scared and or got hurt, any number of scenarios.

Ex says he was checking on him every ten mins -- I don't believe that, he doesn't draw breath for that long when having a drink with friends. Plus anything can happen in that time.

I just keep thinking of him alone in room & ex downstairs laughing & drinking & I feel so, so crushed.

I'm so confused as to why he would do this as he seems such a doting dad otherwise. Is well educated, from a lovely family, professional job etc.

Some background, I also caught him once nipping to the corner shop opposite our house when son was just a newborn (he had left him sleeping in Moses basket argued it was minutes). Also, on holidays with his friends there has been conflict as they all wanted to leave kids in tents etc whilst they drank in other area of campsite -- I disagreed and stayed back with ours.

He has also tried to blame my anxiety (pretty low) I pointed out it's against law (?) To leave kids who could be at risk, so not my anxiety at all.

I feel like I want to ban him from taking him away again as feel he's broken my trust 💔 plus with shop gate as newborn not the first time.

Do people think I'm overreacting, or is it just plain wrong?

Sorry for long post! Just can't get it off my mind.

OP posts:
Inappropriatefemale · 16/01/2020 01:27

I don’t think it’s stupid at all! and any decent parent would have this in their minds when doing such a thing, predators would look out for such a thing as a child being left in a room alone, especially if the guy had been seen about with the child and then he isn’t, doesn’t take much to know.

Inappropriatefemale · 16/01/2020 01:28

@karencantobe that’s what being a mum is like though! I don’t know one mother that doesn’t worry about all the things that ‘are never going to happen’, I think it’s why so many of us suffer with anxiety, you know all the things that can go wrong so you do your utmost to stop it from going that way.

MrsTerryPratchett · 16/01/2020 01:35

And I said no to him cancelling his access (before this happened) as he was just the plus one and I have to earn a living over his socializing!

Was he punishing you for this? Like, "look what happens when I ask you for help to go out and you don't oblige'.

TessieBesr · 16/01/2020 01:38

I can't get over the fact he thought that you'd genuinely believe he left his 'night out' with his mates every ten minutes to check on the child!

Original poster
Nothappy83 · 16/01/2020 01:41

@karencantobe didn't mean ex staff meant current staff with access to room key, know it's a slim chance but anyone could be working for them and not trustworthy. Your msg implies in the smaller hotel you informed staff kids were in room and to be looked out for, this was not the case he just went to the bar (in a pub) with hotel over it, and told noone. V high risk

OP posts:
Poorolddaddypig · 16/01/2020 01:42

It’s not abductors I’d be most worried about (although I’d still be worried, because just because something is unlikely doesn’t mean it’s impossible, and it’s NOT a risk I’d take with my children). As other posters said, SO many things could have happened. What if he’d woken up and wandered out of the room trying to find his dad? What if he’d wandered into the streets or into the road? What if there’d been a fire? What if he’d have choked on something? Just because there used to be ‘listening services’ doesn’t excuse his behaviour - for a start, a listening service couldn’t hear a child who was choking as they’d be unable to cry out for help. They couldn’t hear a child who had wandered off looking for dad as they wouldn’t be there. They couldn’t hear a child who had been abdicated either. I know these are worst case scenarios but being a parent means doing constant risk assessments to ensure that NOTHING happens to your child. If you don’t, you are taking a risk - however small the risk is. What your ex did was take quite a big risk with your child’s safety. He won’t deny it was wrong and will do it again. PLEASE get social services involved and allow supervised visits only until he sees, understands and admits the severity of what he has done and you know it won’t happen again. You’d never forgive yourself if you didn’t take action and one day he did it again and your son was hurt, and then it would be partly on you too, and that’s not fair because you sound like a great parent. Now you know, you are in a horrible decision but you have to take action.

Original poster
Nothappy83 · 16/01/2020 01:42

@MrsTerryPratchett no that was a different event!

OP posts:
Original poster
Nothappy83 · 16/01/2020 01:44

@TessieBesr wonder if any way could get CCTV to see this "every ten mins" 😣

OP posts:
Rosspoldarkssaddle · 16/01/2020 01:48

On the one hand, you don't want him to stop telling you the truth about his visits but on the other, it is clear that he knew this was a nono but did it anyway. If he cannot demonstrate good judgement when tempted by a session with his mates you could argue that when his social life comes before his three year old, his judgement about priorities is also screwed. This is not you playing the what if game or playing the hysterical hormonal mother (as that will be the next thing he gaslights you with). you could insist that as visits are so important to your lad, if he is going out, he arranges a suitable babysitter (as you would) like his mother. If there is no one available then he doesn't go out!

PeytonManning · 16/01/2020 01:54

It absolutely was normal prior to MM. Every decent hotel had baby listening services, be it an employee who walked the halls or you left the phone off the hook so you could dial in every few minutes or you took your baby monitor. All done by loving, caring and pretty damned good parents.

Then MM happened and we were all, wtf were we thinking?!

MrsTerryPratchett · 16/01/2020 01:56

no that was a different event!

No I know. I mean more generally. As in he was thinking he would just do as he pleases because you won't 'help'.

SecretGuiltyPleasureLoveIsland · 16/01/2020 02:00

Awful. He's an idiot. Madeline McCann ...

SecretGuiltyPleasureLoveIsland · 16/01/2020 02:01

Agree it was not acceptable fifteen years ago. Our oldest is eighteen and we wouldn't have contemplated leaving them.

endofthelinefinally · 16/01/2020 02:05

A friend left her toddler asleep in her hotel room for around 20 minutes. They were attending a wedding and she went back for the photos. When she returned to the room her handbag had been stolen.
Thankfully her child was there and still asleep.
Hotel rooms are not secure. Hence the presence of safes for valuables and the advice to double lock the door when inside the room.

pallisers · 16/01/2020 03:35

Agree it was not acceptable fifteen years ago. Our oldest is eighteen and we wouldn't have contemplated leaving them.

My eldest is 23 and it wouldn't have crossed my mind either. I remember being utterly shocked at the McCann and friends' situation - sitting in a bar with their children in a room nearby. Everyone I know was shocked.

Shocked also at the poster who said she did this with her kids - she left a 3 year old alone in a hotel room while she went to the bar and she thinks it is ok to admit to this.

Amber2019 · 16/01/2020 03:43

Absolutely shocking! I wouldnt allow my child to go again. You know of 2 instances, how many have you not heard of......
I'm in my mid 30s and no chance would my parents have left me on my own, so it wasn't normal back then either except with selfish negligent parents.

FairfaxAikman · 16/01/2020 03:56

wonder if any way could get CCTV to see this "every ten mins"
I doubt YOU could, but the police could if investigating a complaint of neglect.

You need to report him OP - he put your son at risk of harm and that's an offence. You have the proof - he put it in writing.

agonyauntie2020 · 16/01/2020 04:36

Can you show him this thread and the vote? Years ago when my DC was about 1, I was in the business room of a hotel printing something, I turned round to find DH but no DC. I absolutely freaked - what if there was a power cut (19 floor bedroom, ground floor business room) and lifts stopped and door keys stopped working. a fire. someone seeing DH leave and getting into room. Choking. Etc etc. My DH said he thought DC was quite safe and I over-reacted but in my new mother (first child) state I told him I would divorce him if he ever put DC at risk like that again. I do not think he did. I do remember him arguing with me at the time, and when we got home, I raised it in front of family and friends and all had same reaction: NO.

And loads of PP have said little Maddie should be a reason why we should never leave our kids in hotel rooms alone.

If you think he will do it again, report it.

agonyauntie2020 · 16/01/2020 04:39

Daddypig said "a child who had been abdicated"

Like Harry? hahaha, sorry, note of levity. Cracked me up. Anyone remember the thread in classics where the OP said "I cracked and farted?" and we all died laughing.

Durgasarrow · 16/01/2020 04:42

Absolutely unacceptable. Extremely dangerous behavior. You are not overreacting. This should be reported.

Ishotmrburns · 16/01/2020 04:45

The McCann's left their children alone in an unlocked apartment building over the road from the restaurant they were in. This really isn't the same thing. Silly comparison.

I would still be upset though. You've raised this issue before and he's dismissed it so I doubt there's much point in talking to him and asking him not to do it. He will do it again if given the chance.

CodenameVillanelle · 16/01/2020 04:52

You need to be realistic about what you can actually DO in this situation.

You can't just 'go to court for supervised contact' - the system doesn't work that way. Firstly you have to go to mediation before court and try to work out a contact arrangement there. Secondly even if you did get it to court you don't get to demand supervised contact and just get it - this would be very unlikely to lead to supervised contact tbh. Thirdly court is horribly stressful and potentially expensive and something that should really be avoided at all costs.
The only actual recourse that you have in the real world is stopping contact and bringing his mum into it to support you until he accepts that he mustn't do this again and you think he means it.
He needs to be shamed with how stupid he has been. Don't talk about the McCanns - that was such a rare tragedy that he obviously doesn't see it as a risk. Talk about the things that were actually likely to have happened - woken up, wandered off, tried to get a drink and smashed a glass, pulled something heavy down on himself, eaten something and choked, got scared, got sick, opened the door to come looking for him, etc.
He needs to click his brain into seeing the risks. And if he doesn't, then tell him he doesn't see DS until he gets it. And mean it.

Daftodil · 16/01/2020 06:00

If my toddler woke up in an unfamiliar room, a) he would be scared and b) I know his first instinct would be to try to find me. If I wasn't in the room, he would leave the room and go looking. Fine if you are in an enclosed holiday home where the adults are downstairs a living room or kitchen or whatever, but not so fine if you are in a big hotel with lots of guests, diners, conference attendees, staff etc and doors that open into the outside world.

Your ex is an idiot. Is there no other possible day of the year that he could go drinking with his mates? Did it have to be the night he was looking after your DS?

lovelyupnorth · 16/01/2020 06:02

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ChristmasSweet · 16/01/2020 06:04

Totally not OK.

But you'd be surprised how many parents still do this even after madeleine mccann. Spoke to someone who works in a hotel recently who said that people still do that, especially at weddings. Leave their child up in the room and come back down to party all night. Hmm Quite scary really.