Ex left toddler in hotel alone to go bar, so wrong?!

[Nothappy83]

Hi all, feeling really sad (and bit shocked) my ex let slip that during his access last weekend with our 3 year old son, that he left him in the hotel room alone (asleep) so that he, my ex, could go and join the lads for pints at the bar in the same hotel.

I really don't feel happy about this -- for one everyone knows any old staff have duplicate keys to hotel rooms, could've been abducted (unlikely but still) also could have woken up, he does wake up from time to time still, so could have been scared and or got hurt, any number of scenarios.

Ex says he was checking on him every ten mins -- I don't believe that, he doesn't draw breath for that long when having a drink with friends. Plus anything can happen in that time.

I just keep thinking of him alone in room & ex downstairs laughing & drinking & I feel so, so crushed.

I'm so confused as to why he would do this as he seems such a doting dad otherwise. Is well educated, from a lovely family, professional job etc.

Some background, I also caught him once nipping to the corner shop opposite our house when son was just a newborn (he had left him sleeping in Moses basket argued it was minutes). Also, on holidays with his friends there has been conflict as they all wanted to leave kids in tents etc whilst they drank in other area of campsite -- I disagreed and stayed back with ours.

He has also tried to blame my anxiety (pretty low) I pointed out it's against law (?) To leave kids who could be at risk, so not my anxiety at all.

I feel like I want to ban him from taking him away again as feel he's broken my trust 💔 plus with shop gate as newborn not the first time.

Do people think I'm overreacting, or is it just plain wrong?

Sorry for long post! Just can't get it off my mind.

I suggest you start creating a paper trail as well. Write to him via the internet explicitly why you are concerned--"After our conversation last Thursday, I am worried about Tom's safety. I am very frightened at the idea that you would leave a three year old baby alone in a hotel room..." etc. His responses should provide evidence.

Shocking behaviour.

OP needs to show her ex that leaving a child unattended is an unacceptable risk, not just by her standards but by professional standards, even though travelling to the hotel by car is an even great (but acceptable) risk.

Agree. Also we need to maybe be a bit more supportive of people who do protect their kids more, and not demean it. It’s those parents that often spearhead change like this on a wider level.

Travel by car is unavoidable though for our lives. Just to note.

I’ve had to take my kids in taxis and I hate that they don’t have a car seat. I avoid it where possible however there is a difference between unnecessary risks and ones that are hard to avoid as outside factors, e.g. safer roads are not always in our control.

Getting drunk in a bar is definitely under our control!

Checked on him every 10 minutes? my arse. he would have been up and down like a yoyo, no way did he do that. Absolutely unacceptable imo. The likelihood of a 3 year old waking up in unfamiliar surroundings as well is huge

a three year old baby

toddler

He isn’t either of those things. He’s a 3 year old child.

You’ll do yourself no favours if you refer to him as a toddler or a baby as people have here, because it a) makes you look stupid & b) make it look like you’re not prepared to treat him at the growing child he is, which doesn’t back you up.

Plus him having a couple of drinks in a bar doesn’t mean he was drunk, puts alcohol first or whatever else has been stated! Simply that he had a couple of beers with some friends, downstairs in a hotel.

He didn’t leave him home alone & piss off into town to the pub for the night.

Most people wouldn’t do what he did (I wouldn’t) but you need to be careful not to blow it out of proportion or bring other things into it that people are saying on here.

@NeverTwerkNaked & others.

The OP CAN just stop contact because he doesn’t have court ordered access. He would then have to take it to court where she could have her say about this. The court wouldn’t stop access & they’re not even vaguely likely to make him have supervised contact - however, it would mean DS is a bit older & a bit more able to communicate what goes on when he’s with his Dad - but it also means many months of DS not seeing his Dad which isn’t really in his best interest when he’s close to his Dad. and the OP having to find childcare instead of having unpaid childcare 3 nights a week).

• it’s nothing like what the McC’s did to saying it’s the same thing isn’t helping

• it’s also totally different to what you told him you were pissed off about before (leaving a newborn at home to go across the road to the shop)

It’s irrelevant what anyone thinks of those two things - they’re not the same as what he did

Whilst many of us wouldn’t do what he did, there are posters who would. (SS evidenced on other threads - usually wedding ones!)

I think you’ll achieve more by talking to him & saying how even if he did go up every 20 minutes (and I’m calling bullshit on that, it might have FELT like 10 minutes to him- so he might not be lying to you) that in those 10 minutes DS could have hurt himself or gone wandering to find him. Focus on the most likely things, not the addicted by aliens type stuff.

I hope you can convince him not to do it again

Frankly I wouldn’t do it, not because I think it’s the worst thing to do, but simply because I’d worry too much & wouldn’t enjoy it. I’m not sure how people relax enough to have dinner/drinks etc in that situation. but then I’m a bit of a worrier these days 🙄😩

This makes me feel ill. Why would you leave a small child alone in a hotel room and bugger off to the bar!! Especially since There's recently been a viral video of a toddler walking along the outside of a building ledge in spain about 5 apartments up. Her mum was in the shower and she got out the window. Google it! It's takes seconds for an accident to happen! Any weirdo could be lurking around waiting for an opportunity. Its not on!

@Bestoption I think of him as a toddler still! He's very babbly still and youngest one in his nursery class.

Also, my ex didn't simply go to bar downstairs in a hotel for hotel guests, he went to a pub (part of same venue) that is open to all and very busy and on ringing the venue I found out it's actually a separate entrance (though same building). Completely unsafe. Not I condone even leaving them in small venue with dinner near rooms or whatever.

Also my son has in recent months been diagnosed with heart murmur & hole in heart & sometimes gets breathless & needs extra observation. Really don't believe he went back every ten mins but let's face it things can go wrong in mins. No staff knew he had been left noone could help him if in trouble.

I think to co-parent you have to have trust, and I see this as breaking trust, as based on previous things (him going shop/him suggesting to leave child on a hol in tent where I said no) he knows I wouldn't be happy with it.

I'm more baffled than anything as he does a good job of looking after him 3 nights a week and pushed to get that time with him, so v contradictory behaviour.

If you really loved a child why would you risk doing something like that this that could affect your access?

Think he's scared enough not to do it again and told him he'll be getting legal warning letter etc.
Plus his mum and sister have hit the roof with him.

I just worry about his thinking skills now, as like you I just couldn't do it!

Your last update makes your ex even more in the wrong

@Ohmygod123 just saw the Spanish video! 😱😱 My little boy is so inquisitive and quite immature for his age acts more like 2, youngest in his nursery room etc, can't bear to think what would have happened if he woke up!

You're blowing things out of all proportion.

Glad his mum and sister have hit the roof. IME that can have more impact than a letter.

told him he'll be getting legal warning letter etc

You really need to think before you threaten. Who exactly do you think us going to write a letter like that.

He’s done something you’re not happy about, but it’s not illegal,

And most importantly you’re going to be parenting together for a bloody long time, you can’t threaten shit like this every time he does something you don’t approve of. As your son’s other & equal parent, like it or not, he gets to decide how to parent in his watch and the legal system will not jump in to back you up - even when he does things much more serious & clear cut than this (no car seats etc)

You’re going to need to find a way to TALK - and you’re going to have to drop the ‘Boss Parent’ belief PDQ.

Do you check on your son every ten minutes when he's asleep in bed and you're downstairs?

As your son’s other & equal parent, like it or not, he gets to decide how to parent in his watch honestly please don’t use the equal parent bullshit! As if it’s deciding whether the child wants beans or eggs for tea. Both parents only responsibilities in my book, not rights, and if one parent isn’t being responsible then the other, in this case OP is doing a brilliant job safeguarding their child by insisting he steps up.

We will only get better at giving our children the best and safest environment we are able, if we act to raise the less responsible up to the more responsible parent, for these children who are totally and completely trusting and dependent on us. We are privileged to be parents.

Do you check on your son every ten minutes when he's asleep in bed and you're downstairs? what a silly thing to say! Of course most of us don’t. However we have monitors and can hear them, have child safe rooms, can respond immediately, can get them out in a fire, and they wake up in a family place and a parent comes when they cry.

Like most parents I can hear my kids if they wake up and start moving around. If you lived in a mansion you could not rely on this. But in an ordinary house it is no issue.

You’re going to need to find a way to TALK - and you’re going to have to drop the ‘Boss Parent’ belief PDQ.

Ignore this OP. It’s a load of dross.

Child safely asleep in bed. Father downstairs periodically checking on said child. No fucking big drama.

Helicopter parenting 101. Read this thread.

Did the child wake up?
Was the child disoriented and distraught?
Did the hotel burn down?
Did a child-snatcher invade the hotel room?
Did the child wander out onto a balcony?
Did the child leave the room to wander through the hotel in search of DF?
Did an eagle fly in and snatch child?

No?

Did the child come to any harm whatsoever?

@doremimi if she called SS they would put a flag on him as his parenting would be considered a safety issue. They probably wouldn’t swoop in but they would consider it a risk enough to do this. So yeah, a bit of a drama. OP hasn’t but she could.

So pleased there are parents like you about OP really for your son. He’s lucky to have you sticking up for him. He deserves better and you are making sure he is going to get it from his Dad. Wish there were more parents like you!

We often go to a small boutique hotel and, when the younger children were in cots, would leave them asleep in the room to have dinner, using a baby monitor app on our phones.
Dining room is very close to the suite we book.
For toddlers and above, the hotel does a supervised pyjama and film night for children while parents eat.
This might not be to everyone’s taste but is completely different to the situation in the OP.
OP, as someone who is obviously a little more relaxed than most on this thread, I too think your ex’s behaviour was incredibly dangerous and neglectful.
You’re definitely NBU so please don’t let him convince you otherwise.
I’m so glad your son didn’t wake up and realise he was alone but this could have gone really badly.
Stand firm, hopefully you, his DM and DSis will convince him never to do this again.

My son is older than this but due to his disability his understanding and functioning is a similar level. If I left him alone in that situation, social services would have something to say about it. It isn't safe.