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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Ex left toddler in hotel alone to go bar, so wrong?!

305 replies

Nothappy83 · 15/01/2020 23:08

Hi all, feeling really sad (and bit shocked) my ex let slip that during his access last weekend with our 3 year old son, that he left him in the hotel room alone (asleep) so that he, my ex, could go and join the lads for pints at the bar in the same hotel.

I really don't feel happy about this -- for one everyone knows any old staff have duplicate keys to hotel rooms, could've been abducted (unlikely but still) also could have woken up, he does wake up from time to time still, so could have been scared and or got hurt, any number of scenarios.

Ex says he was checking on him every ten mins -- I don't believe that, he doesn't draw breath for that long when having a drink with friends. Plus anything can happen in that time.

I just keep thinking of him alone in room & ex downstairs laughing & drinking & I feel so, so crushed.

I'm so confused as to why he would do this as he seems such a doting dad otherwise. Is well educated, from a lovely family, professional job etc.

Some background, I also caught him once nipping to the corner shop opposite our house when son was just a newborn (he had left him sleeping in Moses basket argued it was minutes). Also, on holidays with his friends there has been conflict as they all wanted to leave kids in tents etc whilst they drank in other area of campsite -- I disagreed and stayed back with ours.

He has also tried to blame my anxiety (pretty low) I pointed out it's against law (?) To leave kids who could be at risk, so not my anxiety at all.

I feel like I want to ban him from taking him away again as feel he's broken my trust 💔 plus with shop gate as newborn not the first time.

Do people think I'm overreacting, or is it just plain wrong?

Sorry for long post! Just can't get it off my mind.

OP posts:
lovelyupnorth · 16/01/2020 00:28

We’ve done this with our kids. Dinner not in the bar and they had a listening service on reception so if they woke up we could be straight up. Never had a problem don’t really see the issue.

Guess we are part of the 5%

WildChristmas · 16/01/2020 00:29

Not on at all. Especially as it was to get drunk!

Totally unacceptable.

I don’t know. Do you give him a very stern warning now or do you contact someone? You can’t hand your child over again without knowing for sure that this will not happen again.

I left my son aged 13 in a hotel room so I could have drinks downstairs with family, and I was a little nervous about that!

WildChristmas · 16/01/2020 00:32

@lovelyupnorth that they panic when they wake (not always crying so you can’t always hear) in a strange place, and have an accident in the dark, do something silly, get a real fright and have a hard time trusting you, they get out of the room and wander around...

Or the abduction.

Or they climb the window.

Or panic and hurt themselves in the bathroom...

You know, just a few small things. Kids wake up say.... pretty often!

Catrin70 · 16/01/2020 00:33

It's not going to be easy to get this matter into court, There is no legal aid available for a parent to have a solicitor, unless you can pay and it's very expensive.

I'm not disagreeing with you but I think some of the posts are over the top. I am a retired social worker and worked a lot in the family courts. Normally arrangements are made by the judge for the children when the couple are splitting up. I always advised couples to try to make their own arrangements as ending up in the family court is very stressful. I'm not sure how you would get this into court as things stand at the moment. CAFCASS are social workers who work for the court and they have to make assessments of all parties concerned and make a recommendation which the judge almost always follows these recommendations., based on the best interests of the child. though parents often don't see it that way. The decisions are called Arrangements for the Children which in reality mean that the child has his permanent home with one parent, and the other parent gets contact which can be defined by the judge.

Maybe it isn't possible but could you have a talk with your ex about the fact that you are unhappy about some aspects of the contact and see if you can come to some suitable arrangement. Begin to keep records which will be useful if this matter does end up in court. I think your best bet is to talk to a CAFCASS social worker if that's possible rather than talk to a solicitor as they often don't know a lot about child care law.

frankincenseandmur · 16/01/2020 00:34

I’d be fuming! It’s very irresponsible, as you say anything could happen. I would stop contact unless it’s supervised

Original poster
Nothappy83 · 16/01/2020 00:35

@lovelyupnorth thing was no listening service and staff not even aware he had been left on own. He just left him so he could have pints with friends and hoped he would stay asleep which I don't think is on. I'm sure you wouldn't do that as other posters have said if fire etc and staff not aware my son would have been missed

OP posts:
moonsmarshmellow · 16/01/2020 00:37

Not acceptable imo, also as others have mentioned it’s not just the abduction fear- what if they woke up alone and scared in a strange environment? What if they hurt themselves or had some sort of accident and there is nobody there to help? 3-year-olds need very close supervision.

MrsEricBana · 16/01/2020 00:37

Baby listening was commonly used in hotels. I'm not making this up.

Original poster
Nothappy83 · 16/01/2020 00:40

Thank you, maybe I could get social services or health visitor to talk with him as he clearly hasn't heeded my warning from years ago (he went to corner shop and left him as a newborn, only for 2 mins) and I said it you ever do anything like that again will be the last time, explained dangers etc. So to do it again -- not good. But would be wary of getting social services involved as you hear bad stories now about kids being taken away wrongly. Really tricky. I've asked his mum to speak to him too.

OP posts:
littleyikes · 16/01/2020 00:41

I worked in a hotel for a while, we had a strict policy on not leaving children in the rooms, in the event of a fire we would evacuate and potentially have no idea that there could be a baby/toddler/child stuck in a room. (Lots of other reasons too, that's just a pretty big one) also not great the only parent was drinking 😬 I think you're completely right to withdraw contact and seek legal advice, whether he's a good dad at other times or not, he's failed your son on this occasion (and other times by the sound of it!)

moonsmarshmellow · 16/01/2020 00:41

How old is your ex? He just seems quite immature, expecting to be able to still socialise and drink and go off doing what he likes when he’s supposed to be caring for his son.

EL8888 · 16/01/2020 00:44

@Zzzz19 yep it was the done thing when l was child definitely but not anymore. I would be raging, consider how much contact he should be having and probably contact social services.

Original poster
Nothappy83 · 16/01/2020 00:46

@WildChristmas also left him as a newborn to go corner shop for crumpets! (I was at bus stop on school run with my elder child and caught him out) it is only a min from house but still. He clearly doesn't regard child safety as I do. Nothing since that I know of til this.

OP posts:
Original poster
Nothappy83 · 16/01/2020 00:47

@moonsmarshmellow 43!

OP posts:
WildChristmas · 16/01/2020 00:48

It does sound then that he needs someone in authority to have a word. Even your health visitor? Tell someone and make it known to him that he just cannot do this.

Maybe the Health visitor could suggest some parenting courses?

He might not take them but I think that the message will only get through if he sees that you are prepared to take it further. If you know that he could do this, and you don’t tell someone, you are also putting your child at risk by handing him over.

It’s worrying as you’ve told him before, and it’s not as if he’s with the child all the time, on his few times with the child he left him to get drunk, and would be hung over too. It’s all pretty crap parenting and shows he is just not getting it.

Beachmummy23 · 16/01/2020 00:57

@lovelyupnorth biggest issue is fire. They wouldnt allow everyone upstairs to get their children.

Inappropriatefemale · 16/01/2020 00:59

He is well out of order!

Madeline McCann is all I can say! What an irresponsible c u next Tuesday!

pallisers · 16/01/2020 01:01

15 years ago I was shocked at the behaviour of the McCanns - no one I knew in Ireland or US would have done what they did. Most people I know were shocked.

This is completely unacceptable. I'm also not impressed that not one of his friends said "Eh, where's your son?"

I HIGHLY doubt he checked on him every 10 mins. Maybe once during the night ... maybe.

I'd go nuts with this.

I'd say your "anxiety" as he puts it is actually a normal human response to your children being put in extremely risky situations.

MrsMGE · 16/01/2020 01:08

The McCanns spring to mind.

YANBU, OP. Not at all.

karencantobe · 16/01/2020 01:24

Totally depends on the hotel and layout. So I have stayed in smaller exclusive hotels that are the size of a large family home, with plenty of staff. And in large conference centre hotels with several wings and open access to the public. The former I would have no issue with.

I think you are being OTT with the idea of ex staff having duplicate keys to break in and steal your child. Apart from anything else nearly every hotel uses key cards that are reprogrammed each time. It is impossible to have a duplicate, There are master cards for housekeeping/maintenance staff, but these can be reprogrammed if any go missing.

Inappropriatefemale · 16/01/2020 01:25

When your a mother then nothing is OTT when it comes to worrying about them and especially with what happened to Madeline McCann!

Inappropriatefemale · 16/01/2020 01:25

Worrying about your kids I mean!

karencantobe · 16/01/2020 01:25

And the McCanns were not in the same building as their children. It was more akin to leaving your kids at home and popping to the pub in the next street. So stupid citing that.

karencantobe · 16/01/2020 01:27

@Inappropriatefemale Of course some things are OTT. If you are going to wind yourself up about things that are never going to happen, you will be in a perpetual state of anxiety. That is not good for anyone. You do have to be realistic about what are real risks.