Ex left toddler in hotel alone to go bar, so wrong?!

[Nothappy83]

Hi all, feeling really sad (and bit shocked) my ex let slip that during his access last weekend with our 3 year old son, that he left him in the hotel room alone (asleep) so that he, my ex, could go and join the lads for pints at the bar in the same hotel.

I really don't feel happy about this -- for one everyone knows any old staff have duplicate keys to hotel rooms, could've been abducted (unlikely but still) also could have woken up, he does wake up from time to time still, so could have been scared and or got hurt, any number of scenarios.

Ex says he was checking on him every ten mins -- I don't believe that, he doesn't draw breath for that long when having a drink with friends. Plus anything can happen in that time.

I just keep thinking of him alone in room & ex downstairs laughing & drinking & I feel so, so crushed.

I'm so confused as to why he would do this as he seems such a doting dad otherwise. Is well educated, from a lovely family, professional job etc.

Some background, I also caught him once nipping to the corner shop opposite our house when son was just a newborn (he had left him sleeping in Moses basket argued it was minutes). Also, on holidays with his friends there has been conflict as they all wanted to leave kids in tents etc whilst they drank in other area of campsite -- I disagreed and stayed back with ours.

He has also tried to blame my anxiety (pretty low) I pointed out it's against law (?) To leave kids who could be at risk, so not my anxiety at all.

I feel like I want to ban him from taking him away again as feel he's broken my trust 💔 plus with shop gate as newborn not the first time.

Do people think I'm overreacting, or is it just plain wrong?

Sorry for long post! Just can't get it off my mind.

I wouldn't change access as you say, ds loves his dad and would be very upset.

However I would say to ex full disclosure about where he is taking ds, and if he ever takes him to another hotel I'd be calling the hotel to check on the room.

How totally selfish and irresponsible. Dreadful parenting. Does he not understand how traumatised DC would have been had he woken, in a strange room with no parent there. I can understand you being furious - he clearly can’t be trusted, so supervised visits only

Is the current arrangement court ordered OP? I would want it reviewed (ie scrapped) asap It is a shame that he will want to stay at his Dad's but he doesn't know what danger he was put in. You do.

When is he due to stay with him next?

I am a single parent to twin boys. Never have I EVER left them like that. You either are parenting or you are going out. You cannot do both. He should not have been in the bar with his friends, he should have been in the room with the child. ANything could have happened ffs. It is neglect. Supervised access until he cops himself on. Wanker.

It's hard to say but in his group they normally drink pints and get rounds and where at least 3 of them, so maybe 3 pints? Fact is he wouldn't have been able to see him or hear him. I don't leave him for ten minutes in his bedroom at home without checking never mind a hotel room!

That's awful OP. This definitely isn't your anxiety it's completely wrong. It's abuse. Just look what happened to the Mcanns! What a silly silly man!!! You need to put your foot down and tell him he won't be having him overnight until you feel you can trust him again.

Your ex was very wrong, but you know that.

My DC were small 20 years ago and it was absolutely NOT an acceptable thing to do then.

My parents left me and my sibling alone in the chalet at Pontins 50 years ago, they came back to find I'd vomited everywhere and both of us were hysterical. They didn't do it again

@Littlebearstrousers not court ordered informal agreement, think will be seeking family solicitor now to get this down though. He goes Weds-Sat 3 nights, I only ever wanted 2 due to age. He is there tonight & tmrw exes mum has come to stay and look after him as ex wants to go to an awards do in London... And I said no to him cancelling his access (before this happened) as he was just the plus one and I have to earn a living over his socializing!

Ha have got hang of replying now 🙈

unfortunately it was okay back in the day BECAUSE people didnt have the internet as easily as we do so they didnt know really about all the bad shit that happens, and just how many pedos there really are out there or kidnappers, traffickers whatever. so back in the day it was more plausablee to let kids out lone and walk to school alone and be on there own whatever but now we are less gullible, we KNOW that our kids are in danger every day in every place, even leaving a window open at night can be dangerous.

So no i would not leave a kid alone in a room whilst i went to the bar, what if he hurt himself and noone was there to call an ambulance or hug them. :(

He wouldn't be having my child again. X

He sounds absolutely awful.

Was your post about checking on your son every 10 mins a typo though? You don't check him through the night do you? Only asking as a friend used to do this with her baby son- checked every half hour all night long- he was 4 with no health problems! She thought she was supposed to do that!

Terrible, at 3 you just put them in the buggy and take them to the bar

@DramaAlpaca 😱😱 poor you! Yeah he was wrong, think I was a bit stunned -- am also thinking after he left him to go to shop that time too he is not listening to me. So I've got not choice but to act

Get proof then go for court ordered supervised contact. You’re lucky, this could have ended so badly! It’s sad that your DS will miss staying with his Dad but his safety is more important.

If there was a fire alarm, the hotel would not allow anyone back upstairs so he wouldn't even be able to get back to the room from the bar!

To those who are saying this was normal 15 years ago, it wasn't, we were all shocked at Madeline McCann. My youngest is the same age as she was when it happened, I never even considered it, we had a double reclining buggy and they could sleep in it in such circumstances

@Waitinginthewings no not typo, in the daytime if playing in his room I would check him every ten mins and call through to ask if ok as has Lego etc in there and older sisters toys (they share) never sure what small chokable parts might be hiding! But in night just check before bed etc. I do try to get him to play in living room so can see him with trucks etc but he runs off to other rooms a lot! Typical 3 yo 🙈

Absolutely definitely asap declare supervised visits only !!!

Get advice from a lawyer if needed

You are definitely not being unreasonable.

However, a word of caution to those advising court/saying their ex would only be allowed supervised access if this happened. ... I wish I had your faith!!! My experience of court, and that of many mother's, is that even when there is evidence of profound and sustained abuse the court will still allow unsupervised contact and will even start to point fingers at the parent who raised concerns

#thecourtsaid

Also yes get CCTV proof from the hotel

I get that, my ex is always cancelling

I think you are right to seek legal advice though. I wouldn't be able to trust him now.

Agree @okiedokieme it wasn't normal then either except among the most negligent parents.

It’s just not right OP and you are doing the right thing by acting on this.

Also, it wasn’t necessarily standard in the past. I am 41 and my parents would never have left me and my brother.

That’s totally irresponsible! Going boozing with the Lads was more important than the safety of his 3 year old son! It’s clear where his priorities lie. I’m lost for words. I’m not sure what you can do legally but I would definitely ask your solicitor for advice.