Ex left toddler in hotel alone to go bar, so wrong?!

[Nothappy83]

Hi all, feeling really sad (and bit shocked) my ex let slip that during his access last weekend with our 3 year old son, that he left him in the hotel room alone (asleep) so that he, my ex, could go and join the lads for pints at the bar in the same hotel.

I really don't feel happy about this -- for one everyone knows any old staff have duplicate keys to hotel rooms, could've been abducted (unlikely but still) also could have woken up, he does wake up from time to time still, so could have been scared and or got hurt, any number of scenarios.

Ex says he was checking on him every ten mins -- I don't believe that, he doesn't draw breath for that long when having a drink with friends. Plus anything can happen in that time.

I just keep thinking of him alone in room & ex downstairs laughing & drinking & I feel so, so crushed.

I'm so confused as to why he would do this as he seems such a doting dad otherwise. Is well educated, from a lovely family, professional job etc.

Some background, I also caught him once nipping to the corner shop opposite our house when son was just a newborn (he had left him sleeping in Moses basket argued it was minutes). Also, on holidays with his friends there has been conflict as they all wanted to leave kids in tents etc whilst they drank in other area of campsite -- I disagreed and stayed back with ours.

He has also tried to blame my anxiety (pretty low) I pointed out it's against law (?) To leave kids who could be at risk, so not my anxiety at all.

I feel like I want to ban him from taking him away again as feel he's broken my trust 💔 plus with shop gate as newborn not the first time.

Do people think I'm overreacting, or is it just plain wrong?

Sorry for long post! Just can't get it off my mind.

Omg!! Poor DH. 3 is just so little too 💔

Thanks for hugs needed xx

You could speak to CAFCASS in your area: www.cafcass.gov.uk/about-cafcass/
This could help if you do go to court. In your situation I would push for visitation in a centre and your ex having parenting classes.

He can see his dad but not stay overnight. However contact was arranged, go back and rearrange it.

This is straightforwardly, factually unacceptable. It makes no odds how your ex 'feels' about it.

...So no, don't speak to the hotel or try to gather evidence, He's already told you all you need to know.

Unacceptable.
I would be fuming.

What’s your ex’s relationship to alcohol op?

Whatever it is, I’d hit the fucking roof if either of my two were out in that situation by their dad. Especially so he could go drinking. If he woke up scared or sick he’d be alone in an unfamiliar place and whilst probably safe, that’s really not on.

My dad used to leave me at home alone as child so he could get drunk with the neighbours. I was a bit older than your ds, but they’re very upsetting memories.

I’d get this on record with a solicitor and take advice on next steps - maybe you and your ex can agree on how to circumnavigate this so it doesn’t escalate, but you might want to protect yours and your sons interests just in case. Good luck.

Bloody hell, when DS was 5 he sleep-walked right out of a (locked) hotel room. The door clicking shut woke DH and he tore off down the corridor after him bollock naked before I'd even opened my eyes. This is absolutely not acceptable parenting. Anything could have happened.

Thank you -- we split 6 months ago after years of him putting me down and belittling me, saying I needed to lighten up etc. My self-esteem/confidence has not quite recovered, but I just knew this wasn't right even though he tried to say I was being over anxious/overreacting!! (See few saying was normal before McCann etc, but it's not now!)

This was NOT acceptable 15years ago, unless people were shit parents that put their own wants before the safety of their children. My kids are aged between 24 & 28 and there is no way that this would have been acceptable. I do wish people would stop with the implication that we were all lax parents in Ye oldie days.

At the very least, I would stop the holidays, OP. That was a selfish thing for him to do. He put alcohol and having fun, before the safety of his own child.

Sorry to hear that! I was in care as a child sadly due to my mum's drink problem & experienced similar, so youd think ex would be more responsible and know this type of behaviour (whilst simply being wrong in itself) would be a trigger for me. He does like a drink, and always seemed very insecure to me, wanting to be 'in' with his group of mates. Pretty sad for a man in his 40s.

Ps sorry not sure if done replies right on here or posting as on main board 🙈 not a regular mumsnetter!

My parents did this 40 years ago at pontins-yes people did it doesnt mean it was right just meant noone had heard of kidnapping

hes completely out of order anythng could have happend

I think your ex is very aware of how your past affects you and is actually using it to manipulate you. He’s still the abusive prick you were married to.

Again useful for court, keep a list of dates, events and your DC best interests. Doesn't have to be lots of details, e.g.
Dec 28th: DC returned by friend as X out drinking. DC needs person with parental responsibility to stay responsible for duration of visit.

Jan 5th: X said he left DC alone with no adult supervision. As DC needs adult supervision, all overnights stopped at present while legal advice sought.

Courts put DC best interests first, even above your concerns. They have to be impartial. Having records helps as it shows you have proof.

A lot of parents did not do this and wouldn't have dreampt of it, 30-40 years ago.

He's putting his wants before your son's needs, it's a as simple as that.

How totally s

Nope nope nope nope nope.
I’m all for respecting the parental decisions made by the other parent on their time with the child, but this is blatant and unrepentant neglect. No parent has the right to decide to neglect their child’s safety. EVER.

When I complained at my exH doing something like that, the only thing I got was for him not to tell me anything.

Keep a record of this kind of things in case you need it for court. You need to show a pattern to get heard.

I had my three children in the 80’s. We had holidays in Cornwall several times a year on a holiday camp site, with a bar, entertainment etc. I wouldn’t ever leave them in the chalet, even though it was a couple minutes walk from the bar. I sent my husband over to the bar on his own if he wanted to go. I wouldn’t let them play in the playground area either on their own as it was too close to the car park. I was told by my husband and others that I was overprotective until a young girl was snatched from a caravan through a window while she was sleeping in 1985.

After that they decided maybe I wasn’t over reacting.

As others have said, young children wander, fall, are sick, could cut themselves or panic if someone’s not around. If locked in, there could be a fire hazard, if the doors not locked, they could wander off, get lost, knocked over or be abducted.

Your husband really does need to get his priorities right when he’s looking after a 3 year old, who should be the most precious thing in his life. I’m just as protective of my grandchildren now. I couldn’t live with the guilt if anything happened to them through my negligence.

Seems he is! I always give people a chance and think I'm a pretty mature understanding person for my years --but this I just can't forgive or even begin to understand.

Doesn't matter if the bar was next door to the room (obviously wasn't) he still shouldn't have done it.

And how much would he have been drinking?

I have only ever done this with either a babysitting service (person in the room) or listening service when child was a bit older and predictable (age 4/5).

It was acceptable to leave sleeping children with baby listening on to go down to dinner within the hotel when my children were little. All hotels we stayed at offered baby listening, or people sat at dinner with the monitor on the table taking it in turns to go up and check on the dcs. This was before poor MM but I agree it seems unbelievable now. We tried it with ds once, he cried and we never did it again because I was worried he might be frightened, vomit etc not because of abduction. I would not do it now. I agree your ex should not have done this.

So not only did he leave the child alone in the room, he was DRINKING while being the sole responsible parent.!
Assuming he did not have just one drink , this is completely unacceptable. If police saw a drunk man with a young child , they would certainly intervene