Ex left toddler in hotel alone to go bar, so wrong?!

[Nothappy83]

Hi all, feeling really sad (and bit shocked) my ex let slip that during his access last weekend with our 3 year old son, that he left him in the hotel room alone (asleep) so that he, my ex, could go and join the lads for pints at the bar in the same hotel.

I really don't feel happy about this -- for one everyone knows any old staff have duplicate keys to hotel rooms, could've been abducted (unlikely but still) also could have woken up, he does wake up from time to time still, so could have been scared and or got hurt, any number of scenarios.

Ex says he was checking on him every ten mins -- I don't believe that, he doesn't draw breath for that long when having a drink with friends. Plus anything can happen in that time.

I just keep thinking of him alone in room & ex downstairs laughing & drinking & I feel so, so crushed.

I'm so confused as to why he would do this as he seems such a doting dad otherwise. Is well educated, from a lovely family, professional job etc.

Some background, I also caught him once nipping to the corner shop opposite our house when son was just a newborn (he had left him sleeping in Moses basket argued it was minutes). Also, on holidays with his friends there has been conflict as they all wanted to leave kids in tents etc whilst they drank in other area of campsite -- I disagreed and stayed back with ours.

He has also tried to blame my anxiety (pretty low) I pointed out it's against law (?) To leave kids who could be at risk, so not my anxiety at all.

I feel like I want to ban him from taking him away again as feel he's broken my trust 💔 plus with shop gate as newborn not the first time.

Do people think I'm overreacting, or is it just plain wrong?

Sorry for long post! Just can't get it off my mind.

Hi OP, don’t bother with CCTV because even if he visited every 10Mins, his behaviour remains highly irresponsible. If he can’t see much wrong with this means you cannot trust him with your toddler. He will do it again!( he just won’t tell you next time it happens) Anything could have happened to your toddler eg fire, choke, molested, wandered out, abducted, this list is endless. Please do the obvious right thing and don’t leave toddler with him until he acknowledges his wrong doings. For a man in his 40s his level of maturity is very low! Your toddler will be ok, just give them plenty of love and security. Your ex is a stupid fool! and hugs to you and little one.

@Inappropriatefemale

The predators - you do know nearly all child abuse is done by their family or close friends.

You can pretty much name every single “predator” case in the last 20 years.

I’d be more worried about that wired “uncle” than a predator.

We do live in a scaremongering society. No wonder so many kids are fucked up.

I think it might just about be ok if it was a homely small b&b and you had a monitor - pretty much the same as being downstairs at home.

Things that seem NOT ok -

Being away with the lads and a toddler (what's in it for the kid? What happened during the day?)
Having several drinks
No monitor

I think I'd be sending a letter through official channels saying this should never happen again.

God no. Maybe before Madeleine but not after

@Ginfordinner Kate & Jerry McCann

Just thinking Madeline McCann !

Nope not ok. The only time we have ever done anything like that was in a tiny hotel (6 bedrooms) where we put the monitor on and went to the dining room to have dinner. Dining room was about as far away as ours is from his bedroom at home, door was locked and monitor was on the whole time.

i'd be furious and i'd be taking him to court for supervised visits

Also should add he was about 11 months at the time, not able to come wandering.

No! I have nightmares about my kids being left on their own.

It's not acceptable at all!
Hotel rooms aren't exactly childproof either.

@NeverGotMyPuppy even then I wouldn't be able to enjoy my meal. It's never ok.

Those saying "maybe it was a small hotel, staff could have been informed and look out for the child". We now know it wasn't, as OP said.

Regardless, why would anyone consider informing strangers with access to the room that they are leaving their child alone to go drinking is beyond me. How on earth do you know who these people are? Did you see their DBS? Even if clean, it does not mean they've never done anything wrong, it means they've not been caught. You don't know in what circles they might be. I just don't get that mentality at all.

You need to stop unsupervised contact immediately. Your sons safety comes before his emotional needs I’m afraid.
Your ex needs to understand the implications of his behaviour also.

You need to seek legal advice and starting with your HV/SS would be a good place to start.

He can see his dad at his mums?

I used to do this on occasion when dd was small. But always took a baby monitor. Used to do it in Esprit chalet hotels so I guess everyone there is on the same ski holiday so some reassurance from that. However I was surprised I was often the only one with a monitor, others just used to leave their kids with no monitor.....this was before the McGann case. Now esprit have a member of staff sat on every corridor.

Your ex could have used a baby monitor which would have been better than no monitor.

Just a word of warning OP - you might want to screenshot this thread if you want to refer back to it - it has lots of mentions of Madeleine McCann and the McCanns’ lawyers spend most of their time, not to mention all the money that’s gone on the case, having mumsnet threads taken down that so much as hint they did anything wrong.

Maybe share below link with him and ask him to call the NSPCC and tell them what he did and if they think that’s ok? If they give him their blessing then you know you’re being unreasonable and if they don’t (which they won’t) then he may appreciate that he’s being reckless and needs to sort his fucking shit out if he wants future unsupervised visits.

www.gov.uk/law-on-leaving-your-child-home-alone

He has broken the law

Except he hasn't as the law is so vague as to be useless unless something actually happens. The NSPCC guidelines are not law.

Which isn't to say he hasn't been a twat.

Maybe it would be prudent to talk to your hv, so that she can advise you what to do. At least someone in a professional role will know about it.

My parents did this with us every family holiday, there was a listening service (person on Reception I imagine?). I absolutely hated it! I felt scared. I would never do this. He's putting his own needs first.....

Some totally crazy responses on here.

OP can’t simply stop contact or request supervised contact only. There is no law on leaving a child, charges would only be pressed against that person if the child came to harm (which he didn’t). Yes it was very irresponsible but he hasn’t broken any law. The hotel room may have been very close to the bar which would make it no different than leaving a child in their own bedroom at home, or it could have been a huge hotel where the room was 4 floors away.

I think OP has to keep a note of anything that ex does that could possibly harm DS, she would then need to take it to court to change contact and would need enough evidence that ds was at risk.

Yes he’s a dick and is not being a good parent but you have to go down the right avenues to do anything about it.

Good grief, in my country dads used to leave the kids in the car while they went into the pub for a drink. Many people of my generation have memories of this. But that was then - it is now illegal here to leave children under 12 alone.

OP, your first priority is to protect your child. I’m not in the UK, so I don’t know how you go about this or who to talk to, but just know that you’re doing the right thing by putting your little boy’s safety first.

So he was obviously well out of order and I would seriously look at his access.
But to everyone saying this is rare no parent would do this etc iused to work in the reservations department of a group of hotel, it always amazed me how many people would ask if they can leave there young children unsupervised whilst they were in the bar, or if the baby monitor range would go from the 4th floor to the restaurant. 🤔🤦

please please stop casually advising op that she can just stop contact. Or indicating a court would support this.

The bar is so low that even though my exH deliberately tried to endanger my son's life cafcass and judges still felt he was not a risk.

I could perhaps ring the hotel and ask them how far room from bar etc?

Even if the room was next door to the bar (and it isn't) this isn't acceptable behaviour.

Your DS could have awoken and been terrified; he could have wandered out of the room; he could have broken something (eg lamp) and cut or electrocuted himself; he could have wet the bed, woken up alone, and been cold and wet and unhappy for hours; he could have tried climbing up to get himself a drink of water and fallen and hurt himself.

Your ex is an arse. His child isn't precious enough to go a night without drinking? Really?