AIBU with regard to giving lifts...

[Whiskeychaser]

Hi, sorry this is so long but I don't want to drip feed.

My dd and her friend, both 14 years olds, go to a club every Friday after school. My dd decided to attend this club and after about 6 weeks her friend wanted to try it out, but because her mum doesn't drive, and because it's quite far away, (about 1hr 30min walking through some not great areas) the only way she can really attend is if I drive her.

I was happy to do this as I'm taking my dd anyway, they're friends and it's a nice thing to do and so I have been doing this for almost 2 years now.

I am friends with the mum too, although we don't see that much of each other anymore as she changed jobs a year ago, and now works much longer hours.

Unfortunately, Friday has become a really busy day for me over the last year, as although I'm a sahm, I have many commitments on my time, and Friday is one that is fixed, and I can't get out of, so I'm generally not home until 5pm.

Club is 18-25 mins away by car due to traffic at that time, and club starts at 6.30pm and goes on until 8pm.

We would need to leave from my house at 6pm in order to allow enough time for the traffic jams we usually encounter.

They live about 1.5 mile away by car, but in the opposite driving direction to the club.
Walking distance is much less though as there is a short cut they can use, which would take them less than 10 minutes, and even the long way around (0.8 miles) would only take them 15 minutes according to Google.

Due to traffic at that time it's a 15 minute detour to pick them up from their house, so this means I have to leave my house at 5.45pm at the latest in order to have enough time to drive to the club.

I'm finding it increasingly stressful to get dinner, etc, sorted within the 30-40 minute time frame this realistically leaves me.

As a consequence, I'm often running a bit late leaving my house, so I may be a maximum of 10 minutes late picking them up, which leaves me even more stressed and rushing to get to the club on time, as I prefer to be there 5 minutes early.

For example, two weeks ago I picked them up (mum came that week) 10 minutes late and parked up at the club dead on 6pm, which realistically meant they were 2-3 minutes late for it by the time they entered the hall.

Over the last 2 years they've only been actually late to class a maximum of 4 times (twice in the last 12 months), but the stress I'm feeling rushing around, or cutting my stuff short in order to not be late for them is really getting to me.

I would say I'm late picking her/them up probably 4 out of every 6 times.

This varies from being a minute late picking them up to a maximum of 10 minutes late and probably averages 4 minutes, and although this only rarely results in them being late for the actual club, it stresses me out nevertheless.

If I'm not outside their house by 5.45pm, I immediately start getting texts asking where I am, which I obviously can't answer as I'm driving, and anyway stopping to reply would just make me even later! Hearing the texts pinging also stresses me out even more.

Seven or eight times over the summer, she walked up to us for short before 6pm, so that we could leave my house at 6pm and I found that so much less stressful.
I know it doesn't sound like much but that extra 15 minutes made all the difference for me. I was much less stressed and we always got there 5 minutes early every time.

Since the weather has got colder and darker, I've been picking her up from her house, and it's just not working for me, and I feel really guilty when I'm picking them up late, so I thought I'd take a leaf out of the MNer book and let them know I was having a problem. I really didn't expect there to be an issue.

In the spirit of this, I sent the mum a text yesterday afternoon and asked her to get her dd to walk up to ours for 5pm on Friday (thinking about when it gets dark), instead of me driving to get her for 5.45pm.

My dd got a text back from the dd almost immediately saying: it's fine they'd rather wait for me to pick them up as it gives them more time at home, and that they'd see me then (turns out mum is coming along too).

I then texted the mum back again saying that that didn't suit me, being late is stressing me out and I'd rather she/they walked here as I also need that extra time myself.
Mum texted me again and said she's coming on Friday too so we can catch up, but that she really doesn't want to walk to me as it is 'miserable weather' outside now, and she prefers to leave home as late as possible.
I texted back and said they didn't need to be here until 6pm then, but that I would like them to come to me in future, as it makes my life easier.

I had no reply to that text, which I sent around 8pm yesterday, until this morning when I had a text saying: 'it's not on, it's really cold and wet now and it will be dark, I'm driving anyway so it makes no difference to me, and is much easier for me, but will put them out, and so I should just pick them up as usual'.

I really don't want to fall out with the mum or cause issues for my dd, as the dd can be quite moody, but I'm pretty hurt that the mum can't see it from my point of view, especially considering I've never before asked for anything in return.

I know the mum works really long hours, and I know she worries about her dd walking in the dark, (even though she's allowed to go out in the dark at other times), but at the end of the day I'm doing them both a favour, and I've never asked for any contribution or anything in return (& wouldn't as I'm going there anyway). Even when the mum comes we take it in turns to buy a coffee, and I wouldn't expect her to pay for mine anyway (that's not why I'm helping them out).
I'm doing it because they're/we're friends, it helps them and is a nice thing to do plus we're going there anyway.

I also always drop them off at their house; I just wanted that bit of breathing space before the club.

AIBU to have asked them to come to me, and how do I handle it now?

I know what I want to say, which isn't printable, but I don't want to say something I'll later regret, and I really don't want to fall out over this, but I also don't want to be a doormat (my New Year's resolution is to be less of a people pleaser).

I've always been a people pleaser and hate saying no, so now I'm wondering if it was petty of me to expect them to come to me.

You’re did will probably enjoy the club more without this suffocating ‘friend’.

My dad has a club but each year we have to enroll at a different venue. This year her friends didn’t enroll in time and dd ended up in her venue alone, her friend was at another place. Dd wasn’t happy as is very shy.

First two sessions she came home upset because she was alone, third one she was delighted as made a friend fourth one they’d made another friend now she really looks forward to it and would definitely not have made new friends had she had her friend to hang around with.

If friends dd drops out a new person may take the place and dd has a roomful if people to make new friends with. I’d encourage her to make new different friends and enjoy the club without the clingy dictatorial ‘friend’.

By the way, do not contact the mother unless she contacts you. She needs you to do her favour, so it's up to herto make arrangements. Not you, not your daughter, and not her daughter. (unless the daughter is telling your daughter that she'll walk to your house!)

This is not your problem. It's hers. Let her organise something. Or not.

my mum's coming too and doesn't see why she should have to walk as she's been working hard all week".

She needs to learn to bloody drive then, doesn’t she! You’re not her chauffeur.

Honestly, I wouldn’t stop to her level and send a text. You’ve told her what’s happening-the ball is in her court.

She can
Walk her daughter to yours.
Send her daughter walking to yours
Get a cab for her/her daughter to yours.
Not go.

You are not responsible for what she chooses.

Don’t bloody look after her dog though-wait till she asks and say you don’t think it’s a good idea now. You’re not her staff! I’d say you’re seen a side to her you don’t really like.

@Whiskeychaser I am absolutely astounded that this is still going! Her not you. I’m so cross on your behalf. It’s a total non issue. You can’t pick her up, she has to get to yours. It’s not a big deal at all! That’s just being a normal person who compromises and shares responsibility with another mum. I agree with what PP have said about not explaining your reasons again. As soon as you do that CF mum has a chance to try to argue back or persuade you. I think the robotic line of ‘I can no longer collect your DD.....blah blah blah’ is good. And don’t get in contact unless she contacts you. On another note, you sound really lovely and should have some better friends. Your DD will have lovely memories of her friends being round at yours and you being welcoming. Is there a way you could meet some new people?

Another vote for do nothing and give your daughter a non-committal response if her friend raises it again. You’ve made your position clear and your friend is basically having a tantrum about it.

If it continues to bother your daughter, I’d then send a text along the lines of “What started as me doing you a favour appears to now be causing issues in the girls friendship. I think it’s probably best that we stop the arrangement entirely so we can all move on from this.”

Send her links to a driving school /car auction..
Time for your dd to branch out. Her dd sounds as entitled as th dm.

I am a non driver - it’s not through choice. I am disabled and as uncoordinated as hell, and have never managed to pass the test.

I imagine in my younger days I was a bit selfish about lifts, but as an adult I am constantly checking myself to make sure I am not taking the mickey.

I offer petrol money and try very hard to make sure I give back in other ways.

A friend will pick up heavy items of shopping for me. I use my Amazon Prime account to order free delivery stuff for her in exchange.

Another friend looks after my dog when I am away, and kindly collects and returns her. The “dog” always buys my friend her lunch when we meet, and covers the petrol costs. I am always available for that friend for help with computer problems.

That friend and I go on holiday together. She obviously does the driving. I do the organising of the trains to get to the starting point, and am responsible for navigating whilst we are there.

The point is as a non driver it shouldn’t and doesn’t need to be one sided. We all have different skills and abilities.

What is your “friend” doing as her part of the deal? What are you getting out of the friendship?

It looks like nothing, which beggars the question what’s the point of of it from your point of view? What will you lose by binning her?

As a non driver you are being completely reasonable in your request in my opinion.

I agree she has lots of options.

My own opinion is that it will be better for YOU and DD if they stop coming. So you will be better off whatever happens

@Whiskeychaser your dd started the club on her own,so she can still go on her own.

I would stop the lifts and definitely no dog sitting in March or taking in parcels.CF has decided to do this,its not on you.So hold your head up and leave her be.

I'm sorry to hear that this is still going on. It's very poor form to go via your dd.

I'd say your dd will probably benefit going alone from your posts.

She could always pay for a taxi to your house until it gets light rather than to the club.

Your request isn't unreasonable. If she is worried about walking in the dark suddenly (route might me more worrisome than others she does in the dark - being generous in this thinking) if so a taxi to yours for 6pm for a few weeks could be budgeted for given the saving you have been making for her for 2 years!

You might even make a new friend yourself at the club if she isn't there too.

Why are you looking after her dog in March if she has a school-age dd? But anyway, if it's a weekend, find yourself invited to a family "do" that weekend and no longer available.

As for the rest of this sorry saga, its always the way that if you never help or volunteer, nobody thinks the worse of you for it. But if you help and then stop, you're all the selfish so and so's in the world.

You've made your position clear. Either the dd gets to yours for 5.45 or she doesn't get a lift. Over and out.

In a few weeks it will be daylight at that time anyway.

(point about March being it's term-time and she's a single mum and supposedly skint so why does the dog need looking after)

OMG @Whiskeychaser, I'm gobsmacked at these updates.
Definitely do not contact the other mother. You've already stated nice and clearly that if they want to get to the club on Friday evenings they have to be at your house for 5:55pm to leave at 6pm. Simple.

As it's nearly the end of January, I would strongly urge you to reconsider the offer of minding their dog. Their lifts, their dog, their inability to arrange their lives without involving you is staggering. Depending on how things go tomorrow, I would have a message ready to use to say that due to how you've been treated over these lifts, you no longer feel comfortable in looking after their dog in March and they must make alternative arrangements as soon as possible and your address is no longer to be used to get parcels delivered to. Any further parcels will either be returned to the supplier or kept (www.saga.co.uk/magazine/money/spending/consumer-rights/can-i-keep-goods-delivered-to-me-by-mistake ).

She has gone from being someone who was mildly annoying to a full on 100% pain in the ass.

I think someone posted this image earlier in the thread but it really is worth repeating.

Given what you've said about your daughter, the other family have clearly targeted her (rather than asking you nicely if you can reconsider collecting them). They want your daughter to feel uncomfortable at school. This must feel like an act of war. It also shows that they definitely believe in picking up the stick rather than looking for a carrot.

If this isn't enough to call an end to the whole thing, what do you think would do it for you?

Don’t send any wordy messages or texts. You don’t need to, she knows what you need, she just doesn’t want to do it, no matter how good a justification you provide.

Both you and DD only need one response to any further attempted manipulation

“If you want a lift be at my house by 6pm”

And repeat.

Because that’s what’s on offer. She can accept or decline. But it’s not a negotiation.

She’s obviously of the mindset that SAHMs have loads of time and it’s much easier for them to do a bit of running around, than it is for full time working mums. Having forgotten that just because you don’t work doesn’t mean you owe her anything.

If she’s otherwise ok (and she doesn’t sound a complete user, given she comes to the club occasionally and shares buying coffee) she might be doing her best while knackered and stressed out, and just not realise that this particular event is skewed in her favour. Can’t see the wood for the trees and lost perspective, and is now panicking that the solution to one of the many thing she’s juggling is no longer in place.

So just keep repeating

“If you want a lift be at my house by 6pm”

And disengage any further and see what happens.

Had my dd really stressed on the phone already saying her friend's mum has now said that her friend isn't allowed to go even if we drive her (because of my behaviour!), and that said friend is crying.
She doesn't know what's true, obviously, so I'm just going to send a text to the mum saying:

As I said last week, I'm happy to keep driving your dd to club for you as a favour, but as I mentioned last week I'm really struggling with getting to yours on time on Friday, so it would really help me out if X walks to mine for 6pm. If you're worried about her walking in the dark she can obviously get here for just before then, so around 5pm. Thanks.

Want to get the fact in that I'm doing her a favour as I think she's forgotten, but not sure my text sounds right, any suggestions?

Lazy beyond belief. I cant believe the update I've read this woman is insane. She shouldn't have to walk as shes been working all week? Plenty of people work all week and still have use of their legs to walk 15 mins by friday.

I'd knock this friendship on the head and move on. Telling your dd to rebuff the comment is the best idea and wait for the mum to contact you again. Then you can really go to town on how utterly insane she is acting. She is beyond entitled, she thinks she the frigging queen!

You would do well without people like this in your life!

Your DD will be fine on her own. Mine joined a club away from our area and she made friends for life. She was so timid and went in on her own at the age of around 8/9.
She buddied up with 2 girls and 15 years later still good mates.

It will be good for your DD to make her own friends separate from school.

Now is the time to be that role model for your daughter. Call out this woman for the emotional blackmail remind her of all the favours you have done and tell her you won't do them anymore at all. She is using her, you are allowing it and your daughter is witnessing it

These updates have made me shooketh

Don't send that TEXT!!! Dont back down now or you will lose lose all the ground you have gained. Get used to the idea that she is not playing nice so things are going to get nasty for a while.
Don't mud wrestle with a pig, you noth get dirty but the pig likes it!

You have been more than reasonable and she knows it. Dont back down, stick to 6pm. If I was in your shoes I would have told them to shove it by now.

Just catching up. I wouldn't send that text - as PP said, looks like you're backing down. Tbh I would text her saying "thanks to you trying to manipulate this situation by using your DD conveying your thoughts, I'm now not willing to continue doing any favours for you."

If you haven't sent that text OP please don't.

NO! Do NOT send that text. Say "as I've explained several times now, I cannot collect your dd as it does not work with my new commitments in Fridays. If she gets to mine for 5.55, I can take her to club with my dd".

You may need to have a word with your dd's form tutor in case this starts to become an issue at school with the other dd saying Whiskychaser is so mean because she won't give me a lift anymore. Just say there is an issue outside school which may overspill into school and you'd like teachers to keep an eye on things if it does.

Remember her dd is crying because of her own dm not because of you.
Do not be bullied op. Your dd needs to see how you handle this - not be a doormat for a quiet life. The friendship has had it's day now anyway imo...
You have been a chauffeur and nothing more.
A general driver - come - lacky....