AIBU with regard to giving lifts...

[Whiskeychaser]

Hi, sorry this is so long but I don't want to drip feed.

My dd and her friend, both 14 years olds, go to a club every Friday after school. My dd decided to attend this club and after about 6 weeks her friend wanted to try it out, but because her mum doesn't drive, and because it's quite far away, (about 1hr 30min walking through some not great areas) the only way she can really attend is if I drive her.

I was happy to do this as I'm taking my dd anyway, they're friends and it's a nice thing to do and so I have been doing this for almost 2 years now.

I am friends with the mum too, although we don't see that much of each other anymore as she changed jobs a year ago, and now works much longer hours.

Unfortunately, Friday has become a really busy day for me over the last year, as although I'm a sahm, I have many commitments on my time, and Friday is one that is fixed, and I can't get out of, so I'm generally not home until 5pm.

Club is 18-25 mins away by car due to traffic at that time, and club starts at 6.30pm and goes on until 8pm.

We would need to leave from my house at 6pm in order to allow enough time for the traffic jams we usually encounter.

They live about 1.5 mile away by car, but in the opposite driving direction to the club.
Walking distance is much less though as there is a short cut they can use, which would take them less than 10 minutes, and even the long way around (0.8 miles) would only take them 15 minutes according to Google.

Due to traffic at that time it's a 15 minute detour to pick them up from their house, so this means I have to leave my house at 5.45pm at the latest in order to have enough time to drive to the club.

I'm finding it increasingly stressful to get dinner, etc, sorted within the 30-40 minute time frame this realistically leaves me.

As a consequence, I'm often running a bit late leaving my house, so I may be a maximum of 10 minutes late picking them up, which leaves me even more stressed and rushing to get to the club on time, as I prefer to be there 5 minutes early.

For example, two weeks ago I picked them up (mum came that week) 10 minutes late and parked up at the club dead on 6pm, which realistically meant they were 2-3 minutes late for it by the time they entered the hall.

Over the last 2 years they've only been actually late to class a maximum of 4 times (twice in the last 12 months), but the stress I'm feeling rushing around, or cutting my stuff short in order to not be late for them is really getting to me.

I would say I'm late picking her/them up probably 4 out of every 6 times.

This varies from being a minute late picking them up to a maximum of 10 minutes late and probably averages 4 minutes, and although this only rarely results in them being late for the actual club, it stresses me out nevertheless.

If I'm not outside their house by 5.45pm, I immediately start getting texts asking where I am, which I obviously can't answer as I'm driving, and anyway stopping to reply would just make me even later! Hearing the texts pinging also stresses me out even more.

Seven or eight times over the summer, she walked up to us for short before 6pm, so that we could leave my house at 6pm and I found that so much less stressful.
I know it doesn't sound like much but that extra 15 minutes made all the difference for me. I was much less stressed and we always got there 5 minutes early every time.

Since the weather has got colder and darker, I've been picking her up from her house, and it's just not working for me, and I feel really guilty when I'm picking them up late, so I thought I'd take a leaf out of the MNer book and let them know I was having a problem. I really didn't expect there to be an issue.

In the spirit of this, I sent the mum a text yesterday afternoon and asked her to get her dd to walk up to ours for 5pm on Friday (thinking about when it gets dark), instead of me driving to get her for 5.45pm.

My dd got a text back from the dd almost immediately saying: it's fine they'd rather wait for me to pick them up as it gives them more time at home, and that they'd see me then (turns out mum is coming along too).

I then texted the mum back again saying that that didn't suit me, being late is stressing me out and I'd rather she/they walked here as I also need that extra time myself.
Mum texted me again and said she's coming on Friday too so we can catch up, but that she really doesn't want to walk to me as it is 'miserable weather' outside now, and she prefers to leave home as late as possible.
I texted back and said they didn't need to be here until 6pm then, but that I would like them to come to me in future, as it makes my life easier.

I had no reply to that text, which I sent around 8pm yesterday, until this morning when I had a text saying: 'it's not on, it's really cold and wet now and it will be dark, I'm driving anyway so it makes no difference to me, and is much easier for me, but will put them out, and so I should just pick them up as usual'.

I really don't want to fall out with the mum or cause issues for my dd, as the dd can be quite moody, but I'm pretty hurt that the mum can't see it from my point of view, especially considering I've never before asked for anything in return.

I know the mum works really long hours, and I know she worries about her dd walking in the dark, (even though she's allowed to go out in the dark at other times), but at the end of the day I'm doing them both a favour, and I've never asked for any contribution or anything in return (& wouldn't as I'm going there anyway). Even when the mum comes we take it in turns to buy a coffee, and I wouldn't expect her to pay for mine anyway (that's not why I'm helping them out).
I'm doing it because they're/we're friends, it helps them and is a nice thing to do plus we're going there anyway.

I also always drop them off at their house; I just wanted that bit of breathing space before the club.

AIBU to have asked them to come to me, and how do I handle it now?

I know what I want to say, which isn't printable, but I don't want to say something I'll later regret, and I really don't want to fall out over this, but I also don't want to be a doormat (my New Year's resolution is to be less of a people pleaser).

I've always been a people pleaser and hate saying no, so now I'm wondering if it was petty of me to expect them to come to me.

I would assume the child was either directly primed to say this to your DD or is repeating something she has heard her mother say in anger at home.

It's often upsetting when someone's true colours emerge.

I would text to say that you have become aware of feelings in her home about the lift situation thanks to a conversation between her DD and your DD in school. Tell her that it remains up to her to choose to help solve the problem by walking to yours, or to refuse to extend a helping hand to someone who has literally gone out of her way, with attendant time crunch issues, to help her over the last few years. Restate that as before, you are perfectly willing to drop her DD home.

This way you drop it right back in her lap.

Tell your dd to tell her dd “it’s nothing to do with me, it’s my mums decision”

Barnadette's message is spot on.

If you are struggling to hold your nerve remember they are not just taking the piss with your time - they are trying to upset your DD. You may find it easier to defend her than yourself.

Looks like our travel arrangement has run its course and doesn’t work for any of us any longer so consider it as an end to the lifts

This is perfect. No need to get into any debate as she'll NEVER see your point of view. CF's never do.

I agree with whoever said your daughter should say, “It’s nothing to do with me, it’s my mum’s decision.”

If she wants to address it with you she can.

Don’t send a message. Don’t react.

Just ignore her. If her DD is at your's by 6 on Friday, take her. If she isn't, go without. Do not engage!
And suggest to your DD that if the CF approaches her again, she tells her to speak to you.

"if you don't get your mum to pick dd up from our house on Friday, she'll have to quit the club as we can't afford a cab every week and don't want to walk and then you'll (my dd) be going there by yourself"

What does your DD think of the situation? Is she upset about the possibility of going on her own or does that sound like an opportunity to make better friends with other members of the club?

I would be inclined to call or text the mum and say something along the lines of "Stop trying to get DD to nag me. It's my decision, not hers. If [friend's DD] doesn't think the club is worth a 7 minute walk, it's probably best if she does quit. Certainly, it's worth 15 extra minutes of my time if she doesn't think it's worth 7 of hers."

Though if your DD is OK with dealing with things head-on she could say some of that herself and not feel like she's stuck in the middle. Difficult for a lot of kids to feel that confident, though.

I don't drive. And in your situation I would have insisted on giving you petrol money. You would have said no and I would regularly give you a bottle or chocs or both to let you know I wasn't taking it for granted. ( indeed, that's exactly what I did when my kids did ballet. And the drive was on my friends way home). And absolutely no way would I dream of being difficult if you wanted to change arrangements. Bloody cheek. And I'm a full time working single mum. So no excuse whatever her circumstances.

*Certainly, it's NOT worth 15 extra minutes of my time if she doesn't think it's worth 7 of hers."

Oops

Does your DD understand that you're not asking much?

Like I hope your DD says stuff like "well why can't you walk to mine?"

That mum is emotionally blackmailing you via the kids!

This sort of emotional blackmail makes me seethe btw - I’d never give in to it.
It would be radio silence with me over the guilt trip, followed a polite (reiteration) reminder on Friday that she’s welcome to come to yours for six.
“Happy to take xxxx along to club if she’s with us for six. Xx”

Friendly and polite but sticking to your guns. Don’t mention the guilt trip, she’ll only vehemently deny it and use it as a green light to escalate with drama, fall outs etc. Sack that.

YOU stay sweet and unshakeable. You have done nothing wrong. Don’t get into it.

So she thinks you should be picking and dropping her dd off and the reason she no longer sees it as a favour is because she is justifying it to herself that they are saving your dd from going alone.

Maybe this week you should have plans after the activity which mean you won't be going home or near their home.

I’ve been following this thread with interest as I have a similar personality to the OP ie I try to please people and end up being kicking myself for being treated like a doormat.

I know it is so easy to write what I’d like to say and it is entirely different being in the situation esp when you don’t like conflict.

I think if it was me I’d tell the OP’s DD to reply with ‘My mum can’t go to your house before the club starts’ and not engage any further. Plead ignorance, forgetfulness, just act breezy.. It is probably a useful lesson in assertiveness as the DD can always revert to the old reliable ‘Because my mum said so’.

OP if the other girl can’t make the club because she doesn’t want to walk ten minutes, then that is her mum’s decision. It really isn’t your issue to do more than just accept that.

Wow-she really shows her true colours here!

I agree with whoever said your daughter should say, “It’s nothing to do with me, it’s my mum’s decision.”

This^

God she's awful

I hope your DD shrugged and said, "That's a shame. Oh well." And skipped away.

Tell the cf to sling her hook get off her lazy ass and make her own way! She does not get to bully /negotiate your charity. Pull up your lady pants and say actually the whole thing is stressing you out, you have done this 2 years with out thanks so you have had enough her dd will have to make her own way, tell her you do not appreciate her or her dd emotionally blackmailing either.

"if you don't get your mum to pick dd up from our house on Friday, she'll have to quit the club as we can't afford a cab every week and don't want to walk and then you'll (my dd) be going there by yourself".

I wouldn't engage anymore with the Mum.
Just support your dd to say "Oh, that's a shame" and walk away or change the subject.

The point pp made that really hit home is the fact that if cf mum is really worried about her daughter walking alone she could walk her over to yours herself!!

I wouldn't text the mum. And your DD can say 'dunno, my mum can talk to your mum about the lifts' and shrug. It really isn't your problem. Her mum can walk her if she's concerned. She just doesn't want to.

This isn't a misunderstanding, the mum and /or the daughter are enjoying the drama. They certainly don't have any respect for you and they did sound the type to attack to be honest. They're probably calling you names behind your back to anyone who will listen. "My poor girl can't go to the club any more! She doesn't even work! " I'm not trying to upset you here, just keeping you away from any thoughts about whether or not it's you who is being unfair. "We don't want to walk (and why should we, who cares if it means it's more awkward for whiskey?")

Personally I'd either not respond, or use the suggestion above "clearly the lift-sharing isn't working for either of us and has come to a natural end... " It might be awkward for a few days or weeks but you and your daughter will be far better off once all of this is behind you, and these two take their roles as the most minor bit players in your life.

The only thing that matters here is showing your daughter that neither of you will be treated with disrespect. Unfortunately some people just aren't nice, and unfortunately we don't always realise this. When we finally do though, we mustn't pretend otherwise.

I’d take the moral high ground here and text the Mum.

Don’t go in all guns blazing (very tempting) but a message along the lines of....

DD has told me that you mentioned the possibility of your DD not being able to go to the club as you can’t afford a taxi every week. Absolutely understand that costs might be an issue, that’s why as I stated before, I have no problem giving your DD a lift but she would need to walk to mine by 6pm as I’m struggling to get to yours each Friday due to other commitments and find trying to fit everything in a real struggle.
I hope you understand why this needs to happen and we don’t lose a friendship over it, more importantly I hope your DD can still go. Just make sure she’s at mine by 6pm, I really don’t mind giving her a lift there and back but just cannot leave early every week to come and pick her up.
Hope we see you on Friday

Bloody annoyed for you OP. Stubborn cf mum!

That would make me v cross indeed

I’d be saying something like “the offer of a lift requires your dd to be at mine no later than 6pm if you both want a lift. You’ve tried to emotionally blackmail dd now and I’m not having it at all. If you don’t apologise to her immediately and accept that I’m actually doing you a massive favour, then I’ll withdraw my offer of any lifts there or back and if your dd stops going to the club so be it. That’s on you”

Cheeky cow that she is! How dare she!

I’d love to know what your dd replied to her.