To think this is not under eating

[Buzzzlightyear]

Posting because I’m so fed up of this situation but don’t feel like I can vent to the people involved.

I have a group of friends who I’ve known for 15+ years. I am slim and always have been, they are all overweight and always have been (since I’ve known them anyway). I don’t have a problem with their weight 2 of them seem to have one with mine.

I’ve noticed the last few years they watch everything I eat (and what DH eats when other halves are there). They always comment that I’ve/we’ve hardly eaten anything. If I go round to theirs they’ll have loads of snacks and biscuits around but they always comment that I never have anything (I do. I’ll have say 2 biscuits and stop there). I get snacks in for them too and they will go through packets of biscuits at a time - this happened today and I got an eye roll for not having anything. Once after the pub me and one of them got a McDonald’s and she turned to me and said it’s SO good to see you eating and hugged me...like a long awkward hug. I once got congratulated for finishing my meal when we were all out for dinner. One of the girls said loudly oh buzz I think this is the first time I’ve ever seen you finish your meal I’m so proud (this isn’t even true I’ve finished my meals many times when out with them).

The latest things that have pissed me off are firstly I’m not allowed to talk about my running because two of them have started running and it would demoralise them to hear that I’m faster. I get this but everytime they talk about their running they’ll look at me and say I know that sounds pathetic to you - but it doesnt!! I really don’t care about their running times I’m just glad they’re running and enjoying it. I’m always supportive on apps like strava. The other thing - we’re going to a spa soon for our 30ths and We have all been told by one of them no bikinis because it’s showing off and would make her feel bad. I only own bikinis in terms of swimwear so would have to buy something new, also there will be other women at the spa wearing bikinis and most importantly I like wearing them!

This is not a deal breaker friendship wise its petty - I love them, they’re very very kind to me in lots of other ways and our kids all get on great. However I’m at the point where I’m starting to get irrationally pissed off when they make a comment/eye roll and I’m worried I’m going to snap and it’ll come across wrong. Aibu to be this annoyed? Also aibu to think half a medium dominoes Pizza, and 3 sides shared with dh (wedges, garlic bread, cookies if it matters) is NOT eating hardly anything?

Fair enough. Clearly something has changed in the last few years that op has neglected to mention. Why would it come out of a clear blue sky?

We’ve all had babies. They’ve put on more weight. Maybe that? Jeez you are relentless...

The same as last week when my BIL and niece came over. I opened a box of biscuits but I didn't feel like eating them myself.

Ahhhhh, this is proof that you have an eating disorder! And the more you insist that you don't the more you are in denial about it, which is further proof that you have an eating disorder and psychosis!

Damn it FiddlesticksAkimbo!

And I thought my lack of dental fillings gave me away

They are being silly about the bikinis so just ignore them. You can’t be expected to buy something new for one day.

In my experience, people match each other when eating out so if they are having 3 courses and you always just have 1 or 2 they might have noticed etc. That’s why they say that obesity can be ‘contagious’ even though it obviously isn’t. If you’re obviously very different, even on social occasions it might make you stand out. In another group if everyone just had a main, the pudding eater would be the one to stand out.

I think there can be people in the following camps at a healthy weight

1. those that eat what they want but exercise loads, have fast metabolisms or have active jobs so don’t really notice having to restrict food.

2. those who have to consciously restrict diet and work hard at it subdivided into 2a- those who are a bit obsessed and 2b those that can let go for special occasions etc. Further subdivided into 2a1- those that internalise and just get on with it and 2a2 those that make other people feel bad for eating carbs etc.

3. those that just don’t seem to like food that much and see it as fuel.

4. those that naturally have found a balance where they exercise a bit, watch portions etc so it’s not an obsession but not a free for all at dominos.

I’m in camp 2 and when I relax I get a bit chunky. I’ve never managed to be in camp 4 and found losing weight and the control of it much easier than maintaining and I get a bit obsessed. It is very easy to slip into being very controlling even at a normal 8/10. It is then very easy to become annoying.

In my experience, people match each other when eating out so if they are having 3 courses and you always just have 1 or 2 they might have noticed etc.

I think this is what I find odd, because I don't, and I think that doing that is probably not a good thing. It's better if you can reliably regulate your own food intake.

If I don't fancy doughnuts I don't have them. If I fancy five doughnuts I'll have five doughnuts. I really don't notice how many doughnuts other people are having, or whether they prefer to eat satsumas (The only time I'd notice is if there only enough doughnuts for one each.)

Sounds like these friends are projecting their insecurities onto you, OP. I think taking DonPablos advice might be helpful. Talk to them.If they are good friends they will try to understand.

They talk about you when you're not there and claim to be concerned about you, when unconsciously they are envious that you don't over eat or carry extra weight. Saying they think you have eating disorders and they are worried about it is a way the group have found to manage the difficult feelings they have about you being slim.

Being heavy is really hard socially and they projecting the discomfort they often experience on to you.

There's not much you can do to stop them, but you can stop them making it your problem.

Next time you get a patronising encouraging comment for finishing your meal, laugh, and address the group:

This is all getting a bit odd. You guys keep talking to me like I'm anorexic. I eat totally normally, I'm totally okay about my weight, and I'm finding all the personal comments a bit strange!

FiddlesticksAkimbo I agree your way is better but I don’t see it that often. In different friendship groups I see different eating habits and a lot of mirroring. Eg some of my friends are all about coffee and cake, others would never have cake at a playdate. At work, there is a lot of very healthy eaters and I’d be much more likely to get soup or sushi than a burger if I was eating with certain colleagues. In one of my old roles, the team was full of man that drunk too much and ate too much so they really wouldn’t have cared or noticed what I ate but many of my current (female) colleagues definitely would.

They sound really annoying and controlling. If you can't make them listen, I'm not sure how good friends they are to you. I have friends of all shapes and sizes and I never noticed how much any of them eat and if they started commenting on my food intake I'd feel like they'd crossed a line.

DSis has started commenting on how much I eat in recent years and it really, really annoys me. We are both a Suze 8, but she eats about a third if what I eat. (The only reason I've noticed this is because she keeps hinting at me that I'm insatiable!) It feels like she's putting herself above me by placing judgement and somehow expecting me to care what she thinks about this. It's like one adult telling another how many hours to sleep or how to manage my own personal hygiene. I do it my way, I don't give a shit what anyone else does.

My DIL and her sister are tiny, size 8 on a fat day. They always leave some of their meal, not loads but a few pieces and I always feel greedy for cleaning my plate. They're not the slightest bit bothered about what others are eating though.

I just can’t get over that you shared half a medium pizza!!

I think you should flat out ask the closest one to you, alone , just after she comments on your food intake 'look I've been so worried lately. Do all you guys think I've for an eating disorder?

And see where the conversation goes...

As pp’s like Lifeover and Lindy have wisely noted, we have lost sight of how much food is a healthy in-take. A friend of mine has lost nearly 4 stone by the simple expedient of cutting everything in half. So she doesnt deny herself anything but her overall intake is 50% less. She is so pleased and rightly so. I never tire of congratulating her and telling her how great she looks. Because, you know, I am not a bitch. I wish I had that kind of willpower and THAT, OP is the point. Your friends are insecure and jealous and projecting onto you. The big question is, if they are such good friends, why are they being so nasty to you and why can you not ask them to stop?

Oh and the bikini thing - I would message a day or two ahead “sorry guys but I am going to be wearing a bikini to the spa. I haven’t had time to go and buy a one-piece especially for the day. It would be a Herculean task anyway as I hate them and feel terribly self-conscious in them anyway. Looking forward to seeing you all at the spa!”.

* I just can’t get over that you shared half a medium pizza!*

Says it all really
Even dominos describes its medium for 2-3 people and presumably they would like as big a purchase as possible.

I vary between 8-10 and 10-12 and always have done (I'm 45).
I think I eat a lot - I can be a right pig sometimes.
Until I eat with people who are more overweight, then I realise, while I don't have a small appetite, I definitely don't eat as much as some people.
I have been accused of having an eating disorder or being obsessed with my weight, by people who honestly have very poor diets - high fat, salt, and in large quantities.
I know people have different metabolisms, but a lot of people who are overweight definitely eat too much of the wrong kind of food.

I just can’t get over that you shared half a medium pizza

It's not just half a medium pizza though is it? It's half a medium pizza plus wedges, garlic bread and cookies.

quarter pizza 400? calories, there's too much choice on the website, but this is probably about right
garlic bread 311 calories per portion
wedges 169 calories per portion
cookies 366 as she ate 2 cookies and it's one per portion according to the website

So a about 1200 calories, so quite a long way from 'eating hardly anything'.

YANBU OP. And don't whatever you do go out and buy a swimsuit, wear your bikini. And I say that as an overweight person. I'm overweight because I eat too much. My issue totally.

I just can’t get over that you shared half a medium pizza!!

huh? why? a medium takeaway pizza is huge.Its laden with cheese, toppings and calories, esp if you get a stuffed crust. Its easily 1200 calories as @barbaraofseville says - 1200 calories is well over half the daily recommended calories intake for women so its hardly starving yourself is it?

A normal supermarket pizza is about 800 calories! A takeaway style meat feast fully loaded pizza from Sainsbury's is an eye watering 1532 calories

When I eat in Ask or Prezzo I always have the mini pizza with salad. It's sold as a low/light meal (whatever), but honestly, I'm sure it's actually a reasonably sided meal, especially if you've had a starter (or shared one) and plan to have a desert. Portions are HUGE nowadays.

Like with most differences of opinion, the truth is probably somewhere in the middle. OP probably is a little underweight (or at least is so skinny that she appears that way) AND ALSO her friends are a little jealous and judgemental.

I agree with PPs that you should just talk to your friends about how much their comments bother you.

Haven’t read the whole thread but I’d just say “please would you stop commenting on what I’m eating, it makes me uncomfortable”

Simple and true

If you need to you could add “I don’t comment on what you eat” but that risks getting into argument territory, I think it’s better left implied.

Don’t you think you were a teeny tiny impatient in booking the entire holiday twice in one day simply because the first one was immediately showing up in your TUI account?

There are people in my life concerned with the fact that i don't eat biscuits

Conclusion: people are weird

So many replies to this - seems like the majority think I’m right to be pissed off. I understand the straightforward thing to do would be to speak to them but I’m nervous because I’m really not a very confident person when it comes to awkward conversations. I get that it doesn’t need to be awkward but I’m an over thinker and will most definitely mess it up and end up offending/upsetting them.

Really surprised at how many people think I must be underweight/too skinny/have an eating disorder. One of my friends DH once commented that all slim people must be miserable because they clearly don’t eat - well I’m not miserable and I do eat but I wonder if this assumption is quite common. Or it could be that people are just so shocked at my friends comments that it seems to be the only explanation.