To think this is not under eating

[Buzzzlightyear]

Posting because I’m so fed up of this situation but don’t feel like I can vent to the people involved.

I have a group of friends who I’ve known for 15+ years. I am slim and always have been, they are all overweight and always have been (since I’ve known them anyway). I don’t have a problem with their weight 2 of them seem to have one with mine.

I’ve noticed the last few years they watch everything I eat (and what DH eats when other halves are there). They always comment that I’ve/we’ve hardly eaten anything. If I go round to theirs they’ll have loads of snacks and biscuits around but they always comment that I never have anything (I do. I’ll have say 2 biscuits and stop there). I get snacks in for them too and they will go through packets of biscuits at a time - this happened today and I got an eye roll for not having anything. Once after the pub me and one of them got a McDonald’s and she turned to me and said it’s SO good to see you eating and hugged me...like a long awkward hug. I once got congratulated for finishing my meal when we were all out for dinner. One of the girls said loudly oh buzz I think this is the first time I’ve ever seen you finish your meal I’m so proud (this isn’t even true I’ve finished my meals many times when out with them).

The latest things that have pissed me off are firstly I’m not allowed to talk about my running because two of them have started running and it would demoralise them to hear that I’m faster. I get this but everytime they talk about their running they’ll look at me and say I know that sounds pathetic to you - but it doesnt!! I really don’t care about their running times I’m just glad they’re running and enjoying it. I’m always supportive on apps like strava. The other thing - we’re going to a spa soon for our 30ths and We have all been told by one of them no bikinis because it’s showing off and would make her feel bad. I only own bikinis in terms of swimwear so would have to buy something new, also there will be other women at the spa wearing bikinis and most importantly I like wearing them!

This is not a deal breaker friendship wise its petty - I love them, they’re very very kind to me in lots of other ways and our kids all get on great. However I’m at the point where I’m starting to get irrationally pissed off when they make a comment/eye roll and I’m worried I’m going to snap and it’ll come across wrong. Aibu to be this annoyed? Also aibu to think half a medium dominoes Pizza, and 3 sides shared with dh (wedges, garlic bread, cookies if it matters) is NOT eating hardly anything?

To those saying they can't imagine people doing this IRL, it absolutely does.

I've recently lost 3 stone and like OP, am a size 8-10. I've had tons of comments from family and friends that I'm tiny, anorexic, about the disappear the wind would blow me away and other crap. One relative who is overweight, quite considerably so, loves to comment that men prefer 'a bit of meat, not sticks of bone' and has accused me of not eating, and having an eating disorder. The same person who will then be in disbelief that I put so much food away and should be fat. Why? Because I dared to eat some cheese and crackers, plus some chocolate cake in the same day! I love my food, I just prefer to eat lovely food is smaller quantities. I'd never comment on this relatives weight so why comment on mine.

Op, I'm sorry your Friends are being turds. It's not acceptable. And definitely do not buy a one piece just for these so called mates. Wear whatever the hell you feel comfortable in.

74newstreet - yes they all go to slimming world and talk about weight/bmis/calories/sins/recipes etc. They all incredibly weight conscious. This isn’t all they talk about but it’s certainly bought up regularly

It doesn't fee appropriate. You wouldn't do this to your overweight friends and say the opposite, ie "well done, that's the first time I've ever seen you leave some of your meal"!

Maybe get new friends then op. I mean some of my friends from my modelling days are stunning (I was the look better in photos type) I wouldn't dream of telling them to cover their faces. And people who obsess about what they do or don't eat are dull.

They actually sit around discussing their BMI’s??

It's January. You'd be surprised how many people sit around offices, staff rooms and various other places, discussing their latest diet/fitness regime and BMI.

I find it's the worst month for it.

Your friends may have a genuine concern about your weight . Ask them ? Hopefully you’ll be able to sensibly put their minds at rest .

They obviously feel inadequate as runners up against you , they sound like they’re trying to tackle the weight with the running . In reality they sound like they’re in a less happy secure place than you . Looks like you need to be the bigger person . Starting running is very hard work.

If you want to keep these friends a 30th Spa day is not the time to tackle the issue . Either find a flattering one piece or gently tackle the issue before and wear your bikini .

This might be a friendship that’s run it’s course , but it won’t be saved by ‘calling people out’ or just turning up in your bikini.

I’m a tall slim runner myself ... I couldn’t eat your dominos portion , but I have no idea how or why you stop at 2 biscuits :-)

It sounds like you genuinely love your friends , so I hope you can solve the problem .

Sorry but this whole post just screams that you want everyone to fawn and say 'oh they're just jealous'.

we are so desensitized to obesity and soo afraid to call someone fat that fat people have been handed the power in a relationship dynamic. Rather than allow that they are over-doing it they are blaming you for making them feel bad. Manipulative and lazy. Ditch your friends I say and never feel bad or gulty for getting it right in a world that is programmed to exacerbate an obesity epidemic because there's money in it . If it feels good it probably is good and E bet you look good, and they're making excuses because it's an easy cop out. Easier than making changes. Good on you I say. Sorry to go on but being manipulated by advertisers and jealous people is my pet hate.

Your friends are a bunch of cocks.

You deserve better, less jealous friends

I have genuinely never had a conversation with anyone where BMI’s were mentioned. Diets, the need to shed a few pounds / get back to the gym, certainly. I don’t even know my own off the top of my head.

Nor have I 74NewStreet but I've witnessed a fair few.

It sounds like they are jealous to me. Wear your bikini - why should you have to buy a one piece just to suit them??? Dictating what swimwear everyone should wear is seriously weird.

I have genuinely never had a conversation with anyone where BMI’s were mentioned If you are a part of a slimming club which I think the OP said the friends are, then BMI would be mentioned a lot and it would definitely be part of the conversation

I am the same size as you and I have had this throughout my life from various people - friends and colleagues. It becomes infuriating after a while: eventually I started speaking up and if someone made a sly comment I would say 'it's rude to comment on someone's weight' and eventually it stopped. They are insecure and projecting it on to you, however it's totally unfair and out of order

Also, wear your bikini

There's a whole load of people on here who would seem to agree with your friends! Your post doesn't come across as goady or stealth boasting at all, sorry.
I think they have got into a sort of self-reinforcing spiral, a group psychology, from small comments at first, where they've got away with it for a long time because you sound a considerate person. I don't think they are aware of it, or that it's jealousy, or deliberate.
It needs stopping, though I'm not very good at thinking of friendly yet pointed comments that would so this. Maybe "Why would you say that?"
(tinkly laugh) kind of things
I also like the "Well done you, you left some biscuits in the packet! I'm so proud!" suggestion!
And yes to cheap swimsuit or borrow just not to give any ammo, as they've requested.

The reason I always bite my tongue is because I know weight it a sensitive subject with them.

Hold on - you always bite your tongue, but they feel entitled to make rude, inaccurate & intrusive remarks about your eating habits?

You say weight is a sensitive subject for them - but they are making you feel sensitive about it too.

You are going to have to start saying so.
Next time, stay calm, but tell them that you are fed up with having your food choices discussed, that you don't comment on what they eat & would feel far more comfortable if they would not comment about what you eat.

When they make their arch little self-deprecating remarks about running, tell them that it's not about comparison, about the enjoyment of the running itself & the benefits it brings.

When they say utterly asinine stuff like "so good to see you finish a meal", pull them up with the facts - "Don't be daft, anyone can see that I enjoy my food & usually finish it all. And please can you stop remarking on how I eat, I'm not a toddler who needs monitoring."

Unil you do this, they are going to keep feeling qualified/entitled to make ridiculous comments, & you will continue to seethe & feel slighted.

To those saying they can't imagine people doing this IRL, it absolutely does

Yes! People really do

I’m fairly straight up and down and flat chested - years ago someone once actually asked me if I was worried my DH was secretly gay as I have such a boyish figure

I don’t order puddings when I’m out with friends. I don’t like sweet stuff - I’ll eat savoury food all day long though (I’ve often wondered if restaurants and pubs would let me order a starter instead of a pudding). It doesn’t mean I’m under eating, under weight or have an eating disorder

I’m always shocked at the amount people eat. I don’t under eat, I eat plenty but then I see people posting on Fb that they are having pizza (a whole pizza each) or having 2 meals out in one day and I wonder how people ca eat that much. We share a large pizza between 3 of us when we have take away and if we eat out for lunch we usually just have a snack for dinner or a sandwich. A McDonald’s meal fills me up all day but I have friends that will eat another large meal a few hours after a Big Mac meal 🤢.

Don’t let them get to you, they can’t tell you not to run or tell you what you should/not be eating or wearing.

The more you eat the more you weigh, it’s pretty simple. It’s no good running occasionally if your eating whole packets of biscuits and take aways.

And yes to cheap swimsuit or borrow just not to give any ammo, as they've requested.

See I really disagree with that.

I think the OP should tell them she'll be wearing a bikini and leave it at that.

Can you imagine if it was the OP's birthday and she insisted her friends wore bikinis?

It's controlling and weird and I wouldn't pander to it.

I used to get this when I was early 20s and very tall and slim.
3 DC later and a size 14 and it was actually refreshing not to feel judged for being "skinny".

You know what it is - they just don’t want to believe that you’re happy with the amount you eat. They want to think that you’re starving yourself, and would secretly love to be stuffing biscuits or pizza etc. like they do.

In my long ago slimmer days, when I was a naturally small eater, I had exactly this from a friend - one of those people who is always on a diet they never ever stick to - she was considerably ‘better upholstered’ than me and couldn’t bring herself to believe that I actually didn’t fancy a load of cake or biscuits when I was round at hers.

She spread a rumour that I was anorexic, and it was months before I found out. (I should have said a so-called friend.)

I would ask them nicely but firmly to please stop commenting on how much you eat, since it’s really beginning to irritate you.

Wear the bikini. When they screech, ‘Oh, Buzzlightyear, we said no bikinis,’ just smile brightly as say, ‘No, it’s ok, really. I checked with the spa and they said it was fine. I don’t even have a one piece.’

And each time they mention your food intake make a remark about the food police and tell them you are in fact a healthy weight. Absolutely nothing to see here.

Would drive me nuts tbh.

I'm a generous size 14 myself and I think it's ridiculous that people who profess to be your friends are dictating what you wear on a spa day.

I had the opposite problem on a shared villa holiday a couple of years ago, I was resplendent and wobbling in my bikini and my lovely size 10 friend said she wouldn't dream of wearing a bikini now that she's so old and saggy ( she really isn't but it wasn't in any way intended as a dig at me so I ignored it). But I totally get that everyone has their own neuroses about their bodies fat or thin

Tell them you don't own a swimsuit and you will wear your bikini as it's perfectly appropriate for a spa day. How on earth did the topic come up - was the no bikinis meant to be a joke ?

I’m slim and I actually have an eating disorder, why do they think they’re being helpful??! I have a friend that bangs on and on about my eating and weight and she’s the one I would absolutely not talk to about my ed, she doesn’t even know but making me anxious makes me not eat so I really don’t get their point. They’re being so rude!