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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think this is not under eating

272 replies

Buzzzlightyear · 15/01/2020 15:59

Posting because I’m so fed up of this situation but don’t feel like I can vent to the people involved.

I have a group of friends who I’ve known for 15+ years. I am slim and always have been, they are all overweight and always have been (since I’ve known them anyway). I don’t have a problem with their weight 2 of them seem to have one with mine.

I’ve noticed the last few years they watch everything I eat (and what DH eats when other halves are there). They always comment that I’ve/we’ve hardly eaten anything. If I go round to theirs they’ll have loads of snacks and biscuits around but they always comment that I never have anything (I do. I’ll have say 2 biscuits and stop there). I get snacks in for them too and they will go through packets of biscuits at a time - this happened today and I got an eye roll for not having anything. Once after the pub me and one of them got a McDonald’s and she turned to me and said it’s SO good to see you eating and hugged me...like a long awkward hug. I once got congratulated for finishing my meal when we were all out for dinner. One of the girls said loudly oh buzz I think this is the first time I’ve ever seen you finish your meal I’m so proud (this isn’t even true I’ve finished my meals many times when out with them).

The latest things that have pissed me off are firstly I’m not allowed to talk about my running because two of them have started running and it would demoralise them to hear that I’m faster. I get this but everytime they talk about their running they’ll look at me and say I know that sounds pathetic to you - but it doesnt!! I really don’t care about their running times I’m just glad they’re running and enjoying it. I’m always supportive on apps like strava. The other thing - we’re going to a spa soon for our 30ths and We have all been told by one of them no bikinis because it’s showing off and would make her feel bad. I only own bikinis in terms of swimwear so would have to buy something new, also there will be other women at the spa wearing bikinis and most importantly I like wearing them!

This is not a deal breaker friendship wise its petty - I love them, they’re very very kind to me in lots of other ways and our kids all get on great. However I’m at the point where I’m starting to get irrationally pissed off when they make a comment/eye roll and I’m worried I’m going to snap and it’ll come across wrong. Aibu to be this annoyed? Also aibu to think half a medium dominoes Pizza, and 3 sides shared with dh (wedges, garlic bread, cookies if it matters) is NOT eating hardly anything?

OP posts:
TheDarkPassenger · 15/01/2020 18:46

I always think when people say ‘you’re so skinny’ (I’m actually not even too skinny!!) I think we’ll would it be acceptable if I walked over and before I said hi just said ‘you’re so fat’

But I wouldn’t cos I’m not a dick

doobiev · 15/01/2020 18:47

A McDonald’s meal fills me up all day but I have friends that will eat another large meal a few hours after a Big Mac meal

There is always such extremes!
I see these as equally weird. I would think it unusual for Mcdonald's to fill you up all day as it's what 800/900 kcals & would think it unusual to eat 3 hours after a Mcdonald's. What most people do ime is have a Big Mac meal for lunch & then have a "normal" dinner.

messolini9 · 15/01/2020 18:52

I am just saying that if your good friends feel upset by you wearing a bikini

Jeeze. If they are "upset" by OP's bikini, they are not behaving like friends, are they? How is it that they are not glad for her to be in possession of a fit frame?

ArgumentativeAardvaark · 15/01/2020 18:54

@ArgumentativeAardvaark why should @Buzzzlightyear need to buy and wear a one piece because her friends will be upset? She has already stated that she's not comfortable wearing them because she has her own insecurities about her body, or should her feelings not count, on her birthday because she is slimmer than them?

Just give and take between friends I guess. OP just said that one pieces don’t massively flatter her, not that she “has her own insecurities”. They’re going to a spa, not the swimsuit parade in a beauty contest/on the pull. It’s just cloth to cover your body in a hot tub! Yes her friends are being a bit odd but she’s repeatedly said she likes/loves them so sometimes you do something for a friend that is a bit above and beyond. All this talk if defiant bikini-wearing is a bit inflammatory and toxic. Why not just shrug it off as being silly, make a note that you can ask them for a favour in the future and have a nice time in the trip?

The comments about weight are more of a problem, but probably best raised tactfully on another occasion.

ArgumentativeAardvaark · 15/01/2020 18:55

Jeeze. If they are "upset" by OP's bikini, they are not behaving like friends, are they? How is it that they are not glad for her to be in possession of a fit frame?

People can be odd. She likes them and doesn’t want to ditch them or challenge them.

managedmis · 15/01/2020 18:59

Even if it is a stealth boast why do we have such a problem with it?

WorraLiberty · 15/01/2020 19:01

All this talk if defiant bikini-wearing is a bit inflammatory and toxic.

It's just a woman wearing a swimming garment she already owns and feels comfortable in.

If her friends can't accept that, they'll just have to act like adults and get over it.

I doubt very much she'll be the only woman in the spa wearing a bikini.

Toomuchtrouble4me · 15/01/2020 19:03

If they are such good friends then why can't you just tell them? It always amazes me on mums net that people have all these issues with best friends and close friends that they love - and yet they can't say when theres an issue. Open your mouth ffs (and whilst it's open - shove a cake in) Grin

ArgumentativeAardvaark · 15/01/2020 19:05

If her friends can't accept that, they'll just have to act like adults and get over it.

But why create a conflict and spoil the birthday of 2 people? It’s clearly come from some strange psychological place. What harm does it do just to let it slide and work on the friendship more generally?

Bluntness100 · 15/01/2020 19:06

I'm on the fence.

Purple daisy nailed it with this Often people with eating disorders post innocuous looking threads looking for reassurance that how they’re eating is fine

It's very unusual for close friends to mention it constantly. Usually if it's a close friend they eventually see past your size. So I'd be interested to hear their side.

phoenixrosehere · 15/01/2020 19:06

To those saying they can't imagine people doing this IRL, it absolutely does.

Agree. I had this from my own family members for years including my mum. I’m one of the smallest in the family at 8/10 and 5’6. Could barely eat a meal without some type of remark about how much I’ve eaten or my weight. I’ve been around the same size for over 15 years. My mum and sister were positively giddy at the thought that I would become big when I was pregnant with my first child and seeing that I went back to the same size annoyed them even more after number 2. They as well as other family members assume it’s easy for me ignoring the fact that we have completely different lifestyles, eating habits, and thoughts about food.

nonsensicalmess · 15/01/2020 19:12

I have always been naturally slim (UK 8/10 so never super skinny) and have encountered this too. From people telling me I'm too skinny (when they're a 12/14 and constantly dieting - to be a size 10 ish I presume Hmm?) to work colleague always commenting on what I eat - which for the record includes a fair amount of biscuits and cakes, but the one day a year I'm ill and don't it'll be "aw sure she doesn't eat much to stay skinny". It used to really bother me when I was younger but now, at nearly 40, I see it for what it is - their own insecurities.

Marzipanface · 15/01/2020 19:15

They are either really worried about you become you are smaller than you claim, or they sound like crappy friends. Tell them to stop commenting on your appearance and wear whatever you want.

LovePoppy · 15/01/2020 19:19

@ArgumentativeAardvaark They are celebrating the birthdays of all the people in the group from my understanding.

And she has said she has insecurities around wearing a one piece.

Apparently The only people whose insecurities matter are those who are not comfortable in a bikini?

wheresmymojo · 15/01/2020 19:23

I'm a fatty...in no circumstances would I tell another human being what they could or couldn't talk about or could/couldn't wear based on how it would make me feel*

Beyond bizarre. Yes, I would have a twinge of envy at your figure in a bikini but clearly that would be my shit to deal with, not yours.

*Assuming they're not being outright dicks

74NewStreet · 15/01/2020 19:25

Insecure about wearing a one piece but no issues wearing a bikini? 🧐
What’s that about, then?

WorraLiberty · 15/01/2020 19:27

Insecure about wearing a one piece but no issues wearing a bikini? 🧐
What’s that about, then?

Knowing what does and doesn't suit her maybe?

74NewStreet · 15/01/2020 19:30

Maybe... Doubt it though.

Camomila · 15/01/2020 19:31

I feel like a 12 year old doing PE lessons in a 1 piece (flat chested), and to fit me in the body the legs of 1 pieces are always too high legged/not comfortable.
My favourite type swimming costume is a bikini with padded cups and little shorts instead of skimpy pants.

ArgumentativeAardvaark · 15/01/2020 19:34

Well if she won’t actually talk to her friends and try to find a way to accommodate their mutually-incompatible insecurities, I can’t see how her defiantly turning up in a bikini despite the friends having specifically asked her not to is going to make for a happy birthday for all. I have re-read her post where she talks about why she does not like one-pieces. Don’t know why she can’t explain this to her friends.

paintedfences · 15/01/2020 19:46

Eesh op, they sound irritating! And really undermining - why is it okay to be rude to you?!

And I'm one of the slightly tubby, sedentary people that eats food for the pure joy of the delicious tastes, rather than hunger.

namechangenewness · 15/01/2020 19:51

Most people in my family eat a large dominos to themselves (we aren't big people either). Anyway it all sounds a bit weird and dictating what someone wears to the spa is bonkers!

Teenagemaw · 15/01/2020 19:52

Wear the bikini and when they ask why you didn’t adhere to the no bikini rule say you thought they must have been joking 🙃

jackstini · 15/01/2020 19:53

I would address the bikini issue by putting it back to them:

'Sorry I can't wear a swimsuit, I don't own one'

Then if they push just laugh and say 'you don't seriously want me to have to go and buy one for the sake of a few hours?! - that would be ridiculous. No'

The eating thing is a pain. Is there one you could say something too, a bit more low key?

Or just say 'and..?' with a very confused face EVERY time they comment

Wheresthesandman · 15/01/2020 19:55

I’m always shocked at the amount people eat. I don’t under eat, I eat plenty but then I see people posting on Fb that they are having pizza (a whole pizza each) or having 2 meals out in one day and I wonder how people ca eat that much. We share a large pizza between 3 of us when we have take away and if we eat out for lunch we usually just have a snack for dinner or a sandwich. A McDonald’s meal fills me up all day but I have friends that will eat another large meal a few hours after a Big Mac meal 🤢

I don’t think you’re being any better than the OP’s friends here, to be honest.

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