Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think this is not under eating

272 replies

Buzzzlightyear · 15/01/2020 15:59

Posting because I’m so fed up of this situation but don’t feel like I can vent to the people involved.

I have a group of friends who I’ve known for 15+ years. I am slim and always have been, they are all overweight and always have been (since I’ve known them anyway). I don’t have a problem with their weight 2 of them seem to have one with mine.

I’ve noticed the last few years they watch everything I eat (and what DH eats when other halves are there). They always comment that I’ve/we’ve hardly eaten anything. If I go round to theirs they’ll have loads of snacks and biscuits around but they always comment that I never have anything (I do. I’ll have say 2 biscuits and stop there). I get snacks in for them too and they will go through packets of biscuits at a time - this happened today and I got an eye roll for not having anything. Once after the pub me and one of them got a McDonald’s and she turned to me and said it’s SO good to see you eating and hugged me...like a long awkward hug. I once got congratulated for finishing my meal when we were all out for dinner. One of the girls said loudly oh buzz I think this is the first time I’ve ever seen you finish your meal I’m so proud (this isn’t even true I’ve finished my meals many times when out with them).

The latest things that have pissed me off are firstly I’m not allowed to talk about my running because two of them have started running and it would demoralise them to hear that I’m faster. I get this but everytime they talk about their running they’ll look at me and say I know that sounds pathetic to you - but it doesnt!! I really don’t care about their running times I’m just glad they’re running and enjoying it. I’m always supportive on apps like strava. The other thing - we’re going to a spa soon for our 30ths and We have all been told by one of them no bikinis because it’s showing off and would make her feel bad. I only own bikinis in terms of swimwear so would have to buy something new, also there will be other women at the spa wearing bikinis and most importantly I like wearing them!

This is not a deal breaker friendship wise its petty - I love them, they’re very very kind to me in lots of other ways and our kids all get on great. However I’m at the point where I’m starting to get irrationally pissed off when they make a comment/eye roll and I’m worried I’m going to snap and it’ll come across wrong. Aibu to be this annoyed? Also aibu to think half a medium dominoes Pizza, and 3 sides shared with dh (wedges, garlic bread, cookies if it matters) is NOT eating hardly anything?

OP posts:
blubelle7 · 15/01/2020 20:01

I'm overweight OP and wouldn't mind any of those things. All my friends are slim and watching their habits has helped me lose weight. I was motivated to start running by watching my brother get back in it and I'm always supportive to friends and their fitness goals regardless of where I am. I dont mind everyone around me in a bikini, hell I wear one with all my lumps and bumps. Your friends are just mean and not just because they are overweight. I suspect if they were slim they would find something else to put you down for. I wouldn't like anyone commenting on me eating too much or too little. Normal friends share and support each other. I would want to know about your running and probably ask for tips as well. YANBU

spottedbadger · 15/01/2020 20:10

My family do this - I’m normal weight, mum and aunties are obese. She cooks fatty food, tons of it and grazes all day; when we visit she always comments on how little I eat Hmm

On the other hand, MIL is underweight, quite literally skin and bones and she always comments on how much I eat Envy (pointing at a slice of quiche and large salad, eyes bulging, telling me ‘that’s a lot of food’ errr no it’s an adequate amount and yes I’m going to have cake after Grin)

I think they both do this to normalise the amount they eat...it used to really do my head in but now I just smile and nod and carry on eating the amount I fancy 🤷🏻‍♀️ Re swimmies, I’d tell them not to be daft and wear a bikini. It’s their problem, not yours.

Averyyounggrandmaofsix · 15/01/2020 20:11

I've been o a few spas and I'm trying to remember if I saw many in bikinis. I suppose it depends what you are planning to do there.

Namestranger · 15/01/2020 20:18

We have all been told by one of them no bikinis because it’s showing off and would make her feel bad

That's just daft 🙄

Michaelbaubles · 15/01/2020 20:20

I’m slim but not thin - a “normal” BMI, and once when I was eating a chocolate biscuit at my desk my boss came in and made a big thing about “oh I didn’t think you ate things like that” - I’d literally never mentioned anything of the sort and in fact eat chocolate every day! She’d seen my lunches (which tend to be salads or leftovers purely because I don’t much like sandwiches day after day) and assumed i was a healthy eating evangelist. People jump to odd conclusions based on their own hang-ups.

Namestranger · 15/01/2020 20:21

We share a large pizza between 3 of us when we have take away

Do you walk five miles in the snow to collect it?

MyuMe · 15/01/2020 20:41

Do you walk five miles in the snow to collect it?

A large take out pizza is what 10 slices

That is 3 slices each between 3 people.

How many slices of takeaway pizza do people need?! Confused

Undercoverworker06 · 15/01/2020 20:47

I used to work with a group of larger women who were constantly doing Slimming World, Weight Watchers etc. Many discussions were had about how many calories there were in this and that, what their weight loss was this week, their BMI and so on. Me, naturally slim, could eat what I liked, OMG the comments!
Even now, several years later and menopausal, I'm still slim ( low end of BMI) and people do comment still, although I've put on half a stone as I've stopped smoking.
If I'd said to any of them you're fat because of the amount you eat or drink (I'm tee total) I'd never hear the end of it.
If you are thin, it's not unusual to get comments about your weight. Unless you've been there, it's hard to believe.

Butchyrestingface · 15/01/2020 20:57

get snacks in for them too and they will go through packets of biscuits at a time - this happened today and I got an eye roll for not having anything.

Unless you were unwell or the like, it would probably make me feel uncomfortable to be hosted by someone who bought in goodies for a group of friends visiting and then sat there watching us eat but having none of it herself.

nokidshere · 15/01/2020 20:58

If you have been friends for 15 yrs why can't you just tell them to shut up?

That's the 2nd time i have said that on here in a week but I genuinely don't get get how people can be friends for so long and not be totally honest.

I have friends of 15yrs plus and we can say anything to each other, isn't that the point?

74NewStreet · 15/01/2020 21:02

If you have been friends for 15 yrs why can't you just tell them to shut up?
I really can’t swallow that this has been going on for 15 years Grin. It’s just not remotely believable. Most normal people would have changed the subject years ago.

74NewStreet · 15/01/2020 21:04

And yes, it was extremely pointed to load the table down with snacks and then sit there refusing to even have a single mouthful herself.
Bit of a performance, really.

Oblomov20 · 15/01/2020 21:09

Are you sure you aren't underweight? You could be in denial?

HavelockVetinari · 15/01/2020 21:13

A McDonald’s meal fills me up all day but I have friends that will eat another large meal a few hours after a Big Mac meal

Bingo! Grin

Jeez, the MN competitive undereating makes me cringe. Yes, the majority of humans would need more than 1000kcal in a day, shock horror! Shock

I am a recovered/(recovering) anorexic so I see these ridiculous statements and roll my eyes - most of the people making these daft comments are lying their arses off, and the others are genuinely unwell.

FairyBatman · 15/01/2020 21:33

Sorry OP haven’t read every post, but when they start on about your eating could you just say “how would you feel if I commented on everything you eat?” might make them realise they are being U without you needing to spell it out.

As far as the bikini goes I’d wear one and if anything is said just say, “oh I thought you were joking telling me what I can wear!”

stopgap · 15/01/2020 21:44

I honestly don’t get why people are fascinated by what others eat. I’m really slim, fit, and love healthy, home-cooked food. I am not on a campaign to convert anyone and I eat this way because I like certain foods more than others. The end.

FiddlesticksAkimbo · 15/01/2020 21:45

And yes, it was extremely pointed to load the table down with snacks and then sit there refusing to even have a single mouthful herself.
Bit of a performance, really.

Assuming that her friends want to eat this stuff it's just being a good host!

Ithinkitcouldbeme · 15/01/2020 21:48

Whether you wear a bikini or a one-piece, you’re still going get the comments all day because it’s not as if the one-piece is going to instantly make you look fat.

I think you should arm yourself without some comebacks aimed at shutting it down, because you know it’s going to happen.

“Why are we talking about my weight again? I don’t have an issue with it, but it seems you do?” would be what I would say. If they follow it up with faux concern about eating disorders or any such bullshit, BE offended! No need to bite your tongue. “Do you realise how upsetting it is that you constantly criticise my weight? I have never made you feel self-conscious about yours, I’d appreciate it if you could just drop it now”

Ithinkitcouldbeme · 15/01/2020 21:49

*with some comebacks, not without

FiddlesticksAkimbo · 15/01/2020 22:04

“Why are we talking about my weight again? I don’t have an issue with it, but it seems you do?” would be what I would say.

I have friends like this, and saying this sort of thing would just be counter-productive. They tend to be a bit disconnected from reality over food and are just looking for things which they can interpret as confirmation of their outlook and their diagnosis of non-overweight people as dysfunctional. They would probably just exchange knowing, touched-a-nerve-there glances, and feel sure that she has "issues around" food and has "tantrums" if anyone mentions it!

If you're secure in your own food habits it's better just to nod politely, not engage with their strange perceptions and continue to eat whatever you want to eat!

Original poster
Buzzzlightyear · 15/01/2020 22:21

74newstreet I don’t think you find it the slightest bit unbelievable you seem to be trying to pick holes in everything I’ve written when you clearly haven’t even read all of it properly.

OP posts:
74NewStreet · 15/01/2020 22:22

Sorry, but I do think it’s unbelievable that it’s been a constant theme for 15 years

Original poster
Buzzzlightyear · 15/01/2020 22:23

Not constant until recently. Please re read.

OP posts:
WorraLiberty · 15/01/2020 22:24

Assuming that her friends want to eat this stuff it's just being a good host!

Exactly! It's not 'extremely pointed' at all.

I don't drink alcohol in the day but I offer my friends a glass of wine if they want one.

The same as last week when my BIL and niece came over. I opened a box of biscuits but I didn't feel like eating them myself.

WorraLiberty · 15/01/2020 22:27

The OP says in her opening post that she's known them for 15+ years.

She then goes on to say...

"I’ve noticed the last few years they watch everything I eat (and what DH eats when other halves are there)."