To think this is not under eating

[Buzzzlightyear]

Posting because I’m so fed up of this situation but don’t feel like I can vent to the people involved.

I have a group of friends who I’ve known for 15+ years. I am slim and always have been, they are all overweight and always have been (since I’ve known them anyway). I don’t have a problem with their weight 2 of them seem to have one with mine.

I’ve noticed the last few years they watch everything I eat (and what DH eats when other halves are there). They always comment that I’ve/we’ve hardly eaten anything. If I go round to theirs they’ll have loads of snacks and biscuits around but they always comment that I never have anything (I do. I’ll have say 2 biscuits and stop there). I get snacks in for them too and they will go through packets of biscuits at a time - this happened today and I got an eye roll for not having anything. Once after the pub me and one of them got a McDonald’s and she turned to me and said it’s SO good to see you eating and hugged me...like a long awkward hug. I once got congratulated for finishing my meal when we were all out for dinner. One of the girls said loudly oh buzz I think this is the first time I’ve ever seen you finish your meal I’m so proud (this isn’t even true I’ve finished my meals many times when out with them).

The latest things that have pissed me off are firstly I’m not allowed to talk about my running because two of them have started running and it would demoralise them to hear that I’m faster. I get this but everytime they talk about their running they’ll look at me and say I know that sounds pathetic to you - but it doesnt!! I really don’t care about their running times I’m just glad they’re running and enjoying it. I’m always supportive on apps like strava. The other thing - we’re going to a spa soon for our 30ths and We have all been told by one of them no bikinis because it’s showing off and would make her feel bad. I only own bikinis in terms of swimwear so would have to buy something new, also there will be other women at the spa wearing bikinis and most importantly I like wearing them!

This is not a deal breaker friendship wise its petty - I love them, they’re very very kind to me in lots of other ways and our kids all get on great. However I’m at the point where I’m starting to get irrationally pissed off when they make a comment/eye roll and I’m worried I’m going to snap and it’ll come across wrong. Aibu to be this annoyed? Also aibu to think half a medium dominoes Pizza, and 3 sides shared with dh (wedges, garlic bread, cookies if it matters) is NOT eating hardly anything?

Oh god - I hate this! it is body shaming someone about being skinnier

I am naturally small and slim - I don't really have a sweet tooth so never would eat a biscuit even if they are on offer at someones house or at work i'd rarely have a slice of birthday cake or anything else that gets devoured by the rest of the team - people slag me off about it

I've had girls call me a skinny bitch, things like that!

I eat normally and don't watch what i eat really or count calories - I go out for burgers / pizza regularly with my DH!

I can't help being the size I am- I don't particularly care what people think - but I feel if you made similar comments about someone who was overweight people would be outraged about it

@ArgumentativeAardvaark why should @Buzzzlightyear need to buy and wear a one piece because her friends will be upset? She has already stated that she's not comfortable wearing them because she has her own insecurities about her body, or should her feelings not count, on her birthday because she is slimmer than them? 🙄

Is this a stealth boast? Because it does sound like one

Nope - it's a totally real complaint. I get it too. I'm not particularly slim - I'm distinctly average.

Always told there's an underlying reason for my food choices.

"I could never deny myself the way you do"
"You're just saying no to make me look greedy"
"Do you ever eat?"

Or my favourite "You can be skinny on the outside and fat on the inside you know"

I eat what I want, when I want. I have never commented on anyone's body shape, size or eating habits but so many people feel they can comment on mine. It's intensely irritating.

Totally agree with @Lifeover Eating a pack of biscuits in one sitting is binging! They’re projecting their feelings onto you OP and probably think you judge them. You sound healthy to me. I eat the same amount of pizza and sides, have 1/2 biscuits and go running a lot. It’s all about balance and it would seem the two friend who are commenting on your weight and eating habits, don’t have much balance in their lives. Wear the bikini but be aware you’ll cause this conversation to happen

They over eat and have lost sight of what a healthy amount of food actually is.

I'm calorie counting at the moment and the right number of calories in a day isn't actually all that much food compared to what a lot of people habitually eat. That's why so many people are overweight.

What you are doing is clearly fine and healthy. They are jealous that you can do it when they can't.

Wear your best bikini. Tell them it's all you've got and be proud of your healthy physique.

They're jealous! Wear your bikini with pride! I'm overweight and I sometimes eye up what my slim friends are eating - but it's more trying to educate myself about portion sizes and what ought be to normal.

I also find posts like this weird & struggle to believe friends behave like the OPs friends.

I don't understand the relevance between a bikini & being slim. I have 2 close friends one a size 8 & one a size 14. The size 14 looks way better in swimwear/underwear than me & my smaller friend. She's super toned with a great bust & bum.

I used to model & was naturally lanky, I have never received judgemental comments more just how lucky I was that I could eat loads of food & not exercise. However within the fashion industry I was surrounded by disordered eating & exercise & it's boring when people obsess about it.

Hardly anyone admits to watching their diet/weight like a hawk but plenty of woman do this. I have one friend who has to be uber strict to stay thin but she owns it.

I get this too, I have a healthy range BMI and I do pay attention to what I eat, but have what I want in moderation. Sometimes I feel embarassed that I am not ordering the gateau but then I think I don't ;like it, I don't want it, who would I be ordering it for?

They seem horribly controlling. Do you not have a shared interest that doesn't involve food?

Has OP actually reported her BMI, height & weight?
I'm slender. My overweight friends never show slightest interest in what I don't or do eat, fortunately.

Accusations of 'stealth boasting' seen to be gaining popularity over 'reverse' accusations.

I agree. They speak volumes about the accuser, though.

The pizza and sides amount would be about right for me, too (and I'm quite the fat bugger), though no pizza at all any more, gluten intolerance makes it antisocial.

I'm somewhat envious of those who can eat lots and not put on weight, but only in a mild, kind of abstract way. People are all different (which is why nearly every diet regime works for some people, just not everyone).

It doesn't matter what your weight is, no-one should be commenting on what you do and don't eat. They are being very rude.

Wear your bikini if you go

I get this too, and it's very irritiating. I'm 52 now, size 10 (or 8 in generous shops) and a perfectly normal mind BMI range for my height, and yet heavy friends DO comment ...' you look more like a stick every time I see you' was a recent one.
I'm exactly the same weight/size I was 30 years ago when I got married so I'm not sure how I can be more stick like..nothing has changed! I eat when hungry, stop when full and am not sporty, but have a dog and an active job, but somehow not expanding with the menopause means I'm at fault.

Wear that bikini and threaten to eat the next person who comments

I don't understand the relevance between a bikini & being slim. I have 2 close friends one a size 8 & one a size 14. The size 14 looks way better in swimwear/underwear than me & my smaller friend. She's super toned with a great bust & bum.

The OP hasn't said her overweight friends are super toned with great busts and bums though. If they were, they might not have a 'problem' with the OP.

I get this too even though my BMI is 22ish. It made me feel terrible and really paranoid about my appearance but I've stopped letting it bother me. I think they are trying to justify their own over eating and lack of fitness by trying to make out there is something wrong with you. The bikini thing is ridiculous and I think shows they'd rather ignore/hide their weight problems and maybe seeing you fit and healthy is an uncomfortable reminder. Carry on as you are and try to not let them bother you.

This phenomenon is exactly comparable to when drinkers harass those who aren't drinking alcohol and its because of guilt. They know they shouldn't be eating so much and they know you are more controlled about eating so they make digs at you in a dumb attempt to reduce their own cognitive dissonance.

Imagine if you made comments about how much they were eating? they would be horrified - well why is it acceptable the other way around? its not and I would be very firm with them next time they do this and call them out on it. I'd say "hey- why are you always making comments about what I eat? I'm healthy. Please dont make comments as I find it really hurtful and I dont like it" then keep repeating every time they do it. If they carry on after you've specifically said not to then they aren't your friends. Friends dont purposely hurt each other when they have been told to cut it out.

Also- hell would freeze over before I let someone tell me what to wear. Wear your bikini and be proud of it!! Its literally none of their business what you choose to wear.

I do feel for you its true you would never say to an overweight person its so nice to see you not eat so much it wold just never happen

id maybe take a couple of them aside and say youre getting upset at the comments that you would rather noone comment on how much anyone eats

The OP hasn't said her overweight friends are super toned with great busts and bums though. If they were, they might not have a 'problem' with the OP.

No, she just said overweight & that all of that group are. They can't all look exactly the same particularly in swimwear?

YANBU

I would normally eat half a large dominos, not medium, but that is why I am fat and you are not! XD

I get this too, even from people I only have a passing acquaintance with, including one overweight sweetheart who asked me what size I was and then told me that I'm "quite fat really" because of vanity sizing. I'm 5'10" and a size 8.

I am just saying that if your good friends feel upset by you wearing a bikini and have asked you not to, then why not just humour them because they are, you know, your friends? Swimsuits aren’t all that expensive

Real friends wouldnt expect another friend to purposely dress down in order to make them feel better- thats the most ridiculous thing ive ever heard.
What next? OP shouldn't shave her legs so as to appear less attractive? perhaps OP should shave her head so as not to attract any male attention to make her overweight friends feel better? or, perhaps OP could not brush her hair and wear no makeup to pander to her friends' envy- they are you know, her friends....

Yes the group all look different shapes - one of them is a size 14 and overweight bmi but has a very small waist and always looks good in a bikini. We were all told not to wear bikinis not just me.

And before anyone asks I only know they all have overweight bmis because they talk about it - I’m not making assumptions based on their looks.

I used to have a “friend” like this. I’m a size 6-8 but I work hard for it without starving myself. She was/is morbidly obese. I was never allowed to so much as mention food, exercise or anything. I was mocked for eating a normal amount ie. one individual portion of cake after lunch as a weekend treat. She also went as far as to belittle me in other ways such as trying to make out that I was stupid any chance she could and boasting about how clever she was (for what it’s worth I have a degree, she doesn’t, not that it matters but just to clarify that I’m not stupid!). She’d also encourage others to laugh at me. In all honestly it was bullying and we’re no longer friends but it means that I have lost the whole of that friendship group.

In all honesty, I’d be tempted to wear the skimpiest one piece I could find for your spa day and don’t say anything when they complain.

They actually sit around discussing their BMI’s??