To think this is not under eating

[Buzzzlightyear]

Posting because I’m so fed up of this situation but don’t feel like I can vent to the people involved.

I have a group of friends who I’ve known for 15+ years. I am slim and always have been, they are all overweight and always have been (since I’ve known them anyway). I don’t have a problem with their weight 2 of them seem to have one with mine.

I’ve noticed the last few years they watch everything I eat (and what DH eats when other halves are there). They always comment that I’ve/we’ve hardly eaten anything. If I go round to theirs they’ll have loads of snacks and biscuits around but they always comment that I never have anything (I do. I’ll have say 2 biscuits and stop there). I get snacks in for them too and they will go through packets of biscuits at a time - this happened today and I got an eye roll for not having anything. Once after the pub me and one of them got a McDonald’s and she turned to me and said it’s SO good to see you eating and hugged me...like a long awkward hug. I once got congratulated for finishing my meal when we were all out for dinner. One of the girls said loudly oh buzz I think this is the first time I’ve ever seen you finish your meal I’m so proud (this isn’t even true I’ve finished my meals many times when out with them).

The latest things that have pissed me off are firstly I’m not allowed to talk about my running because two of them have started running and it would demoralise them to hear that I’m faster. I get this but everytime they talk about their running they’ll look at me and say I know that sounds pathetic to you - but it doesnt!! I really don’t care about their running times I’m just glad they’re running and enjoying it. I’m always supportive on apps like strava. The other thing - we’re going to a spa soon for our 30ths and We have all been told by one of them no bikinis because it’s showing off and would make her feel bad. I only own bikinis in terms of swimwear so would have to buy something new, also there will be other women at the spa wearing bikinis and most importantly I like wearing them!

This is not a deal breaker friendship wise its petty - I love them, they’re very very kind to me in lots of other ways and our kids all get on great. However I’m at the point where I’m starting to get irrationally pissed off when they make a comment/eye roll and I’m worried I’m going to snap and it’ll come across wrong. Aibu to be this annoyed? Also aibu to think half a medium dominoes Pizza, and 3 sides shared with dh (wedges, garlic bread, cookies if it matters) is NOT eating hardly anything?

Wear the bikini!

I think what “normal” eating is has been dramatically warped over the past 30 years or so.

Growing up my grandparents lived with us and thinking about what they ate esp my grandms is minuscule in comparison to today. Breakfast was a grapefruit, one coffee (camp coffee lol) with maybe one biscuit, lunch a small cheese sandwich, tea maybe fish or meat with veg and a couple of boiled potatoes. My grandad had a packet of crisps and his can of barley wine on a Saturday, my gran had a quarter of mint imperials she kept in her handbag that lasted the week. Sunday lunch was a proper treat. Christmas dinner was amazing as it was like nothing else all year, the only time we would eat a three course meal.

Now it seems expected to eat like kings everyday. Food is so cheap with quantity reigning over quality. I suspect your friends think that what they eat is normal and at the same time can’t think why they are overweight.

If you’re size 8-10, unless you are 7foot tall you are not under eating for you. Just wear your bikini - don’t be bullied. Since when do friends tell you what you can and can’t wear?

My husband and I also eat about half a medium pizza if we have sides too, we're both a healthy weight. So I don't think that's undereating at all, there are so many calories in meals like that they fill me up really quickly.

Can you speak to one of the worst offenders by herself and just ask her if she can stop the eating/weight comments as they make you feel uncomfortable? They may just not realise it's bothering you. I get comments like this a lot too and people often try to make out they're giving you a compliment but there's often more to it than that and it's not nice to hear it constantly.

I only eat one meal a day, my friends know why and don't comment on it, as they are my friends.
You should absolutely wear the bikini.

People have no self control these days. When I was a kid my Mum would buy a packet of chocolate digestives and it would last the whole family at least a week. None of us would have dreamed of eating a whole packet. I still find that to be gluttonous. And I am not even thin! (I eat too much bread and cheese)

Today someone in work commented on “what a healthy looking salad I was eating” as they stuffed their face with greasy food, crisps and a chocolate bar. They’re overweight. I left it and didn’t reply. But I was thinking “fuck off”. Don’t use me to try to make yourself feel better or to justify your own food intake.

Wasn’t the person complimenting you for eating well? I don’t see how they were using your salad to justify their own eating- weren’t they in fact admitting that their own food was crap by comparison?

* Is this a stealth boast? Because it does sound like one.*

Anyone who asks this is overweight and has an attitude similar to OP’s friends.

I get it OP - it’s bloody annoying

I’ve had similar issues with a particular group of friends

I’m on the smaller size in the group and if we get together for anything food related, someone will always comment on what I’ve eaten

I’m actually more of a grazer - I do struggle to eat large meals in one go and end up feeling sick and bloated if a do - I prefer to eat little and often. I also prefer savoury to sweet.

If we go out for a meal someone will always comment on the fact that I haven’t eaten all my meal, or I haven’t ordered a pudding.

I’d prefer to have a starter but everyone else would rather skip the starter “to save room for pudding”. I’ve taken to ordering 1 scoop of ice cream that I don’t want or really like, just to avoid the comments on my eating habits/weight

On the other hand, my colleagues think I have hollow legs as I’m always eating - I can’t win

Argumentativeaardvark - I’m a terrible swimmer and I don’t enjoy it. I’m surprised you think every sporty person loves swimming - I definitely don’t.

Yes of course I could go out and buy a one piece but do you genuinely honestly think that’s the right answer? It’s my birthday too - we are doing a joint because we all turn 30 this year. I’m sure there are nice one pieces but I haven’t owned one since I was a child because I don’t think they flatter me - I think My figure looks boyish in them because I don’t have much of a shape and it makes me feel self conscious. Just because Im not over weight doesn’t mean I don’t have insecurities.

And obviously I do feel uncomfortable talking to them about this particular subject but that doesnt mean we’re not close.

I have even found myself eating more than I want just to avoid the comments

I used to get comments like this all the time when I was at the height of my aneorexia. I used to think it was cause they were jealous too.

I am just saying that if your good friends feel upset by you wearing a bikini and have asked you not to, then why not just humour them because they are, you know, your friends? Swimsuits aren’t all that expensive.

If you don’t want to face the issue with them head on then that’s your decision, I wasn’t criticising you, just wondering if getting it out in the open and stop you feeling bad about the friendship and spoiling what seems to be a fundamentally nice friendship. But if you feel that bitching about them in the Internet helps you deal with it better then fair enough.

I think your friends are rude. Why are they so concerned with what you eat and how much? Sounds like they need to get some interests and think about other things than weight.

If this is really what is happening then I would end the friendship tbh. You could see it an innocuous but I have ended pretty much all friendships with people with an obsession with my appearance (not weight related). It becomes unhealthy to have to be defensive all the time. Which they then use as proof you are in the wrong. Ugh, can't be doing with it at all.

Wasn’t the person complimenting you for eating well? I don’t see how they were using your salad to justify their own eating- weren’t they in fact admitting that their own food was crap by comparison?

It wasn’t a compliment. It was just a comment made with a completely straight face. Nothing complimentary or praising about it.

They followed it up with “as you can see I don’t have that much self control”.

Quite frankly, a comment on my food that was absolutely unnecessary and pointless. I barely know this person. I don’t work directly with this person. We have no sort of relationship at all other than we work for the same company in completely separate offices and departments. It was in a meeting where we stopped for lunch during the meeting. There was really no requirement for any comment on my food or anyone else’s. the only comment I find appropriate when someone is eating is “ooh that looks delicious”.

Argumentativeaardvark - yeh you’re so right actually - thank you so much

This would make me feel incredibly uncomfortable and I don't think I'd be able to continue eating with them at all.

Even if they were genuinely concerned you had an ED, this wouldn't be the way to go about helping you, speaking as someone who suffered with one in the past.

PS Struggling to see how you can both wear a bikini anyway and at the same time avoid having an open conversation? Would your wearing a a bikini against their wishes not cause you to have to have a conversation?

Tell them to wear bikinis too; they have them in every size and can be extremely flattering. Wear what you like and shut down conversations about what you're eating - and don't engage about what they're eating either.

I agree, next time they comment just ask nicely if they are worried about your weight/eating because they seem to mention it a lot and it’s bugging you. If you are nice and polite about it I don’t see why that conversation would be a friendship ender.

I’m not too slim - I’m a size 8-10
And we live in the age of vanity sizing too.

I was a size 8-10 when I was 17 and very skinny. I can get an 8 on in some brands and am a 10 in everything else despite being 2 stone heavier than I was at 17.

I dont understand why someone thinks that 2 biscuits is a small amount to eat.

They’re just jealous OP. Don’t feel the need to buy new swimwear! Your friend really needs to deal with her issues if she can’t even see a smaller healthy body in a bikini!

Happycamper - yes but you’ve just admitted yourself you eat large portions. There’s no way my kids could eat half a medium pizza plus two slices of garlic bread each plus half a box of wedges and 2 cookies each In one sitting - they’d be sick.

Yes, I was just going to say I don't think I know any 6 or 10 year olds who could eat that without either feeling sick, or feeling really uncomfortably full up.

sorry but I think your friends are being dicks about your weight/size on purpose- ie to make themselves feel better, and it doesn’t make them very good friends to be honest.

I am a stone overweight and it is all on my stomach - I would look like doctor robotnik in a bikini so I wouldn’t wear one, I would never dream of telling my toned stomached friends they couldn’t wear bikinis because they look better than me- It’s not their fault I’m a lazy so and so that can’t be bothered to shift my extra weight!

I think I’d start looking a bit surprised or saying ‘that a bit personal’ in a surprised rather than offended way when they do they things.

I’m bigger than you but I’m with you on one-pieces, they make me totally flat chested and I wouldn’t wear one.