To think this is not under eating

[Buzzzlightyear]

Posting because I’m so fed up of this situation but don’t feel like I can vent to the people involved.

I have a group of friends who I’ve known for 15+ years. I am slim and always have been, they are all overweight and always have been (since I’ve known them anyway). I don’t have a problem with their weight 2 of them seem to have one with mine.

I’ve noticed the last few years they watch everything I eat (and what DH eats when other halves are there). They always comment that I’ve/we’ve hardly eaten anything. If I go round to theirs they’ll have loads of snacks and biscuits around but they always comment that I never have anything (I do. I’ll have say 2 biscuits and stop there). I get snacks in for them too and they will go through packets of biscuits at a time - this happened today and I got an eye roll for not having anything. Once after the pub me and one of them got a McDonald’s and she turned to me and said it’s SO good to see you eating and hugged me...like a long awkward hug. I once got congratulated for finishing my meal when we were all out for dinner. One of the girls said loudly oh buzz I think this is the first time I’ve ever seen you finish your meal I’m so proud (this isn’t even true I’ve finished my meals many times when out with them).

The latest things that have pissed me off are firstly I’m not allowed to talk about my running because two of them have started running and it would demoralise them to hear that I’m faster. I get this but everytime they talk about their running they’ll look at me and say I know that sounds pathetic to you - but it doesnt!! I really don’t care about their running times I’m just glad they’re running and enjoying it. I’m always supportive on apps like strava. The other thing - we’re going to a spa soon for our 30ths and We have all been told by one of them no bikinis because it’s showing off and would make her feel bad. I only own bikinis in terms of swimwear so would have to buy something new, also there will be other women at the spa wearing bikinis and most importantly I like wearing them!

This is not a deal breaker friendship wise its petty - I love them, they’re very very kind to me in lots of other ways and our kids all get on great. However I’m at the point where I’m starting to get irrationally pissed off when they make a comment/eye roll and I’m worried I’m going to snap and it’ll come across wrong. Aibu to be this annoyed? Also aibu to think half a medium dominoes Pizza, and 3 sides shared with dh (wedges, garlic bread, cookies if it matters) is NOT eating hardly anything?

[Curiosity101]

I don't think YABU with respect to getting annoyed by it, but I'd certainly assume best intent from your friends. It's probably a mixture of their own thoughts / feelings around food and the fact they care about you.

Having said that you really should say something. Next time they comment on your eating it would be perfectly reasonable to respond along the lines of 'You know it really gets me down when you comment on my eating like that'. They probably have no idea how it affects you, especially if they have low confidence / self esteem issues themselves. They may have assumed that because you're slim that you would never be affected by comments like that.

[Lweji]

I think I'd ask them directly if they think you have anorexia.
Or, if pushed too much, if they want you to be their size.

[TheOrigRightsofwomen]

They sound odd and insecure.

I am very slim and I'm very sporty. I have friends who are similar and I have friends who are very overweight and sedentary.

Once someone was really surprised to see me add sugar to coffee - as if I was letting myself go or something. I was baffled. I've always had a spoon of sugar in my coffee.

Another time someone commented that I probably wouldn't want a biscuit (I eat plenty of biscuits).

That's it though. Two times in my life.

My true friends accept me for who I am and it would royally piss me off if I received regular comments and I definitely would NOT let anyone dictate what I should wear in a spa.

[PhilCornwall1]

They always comment that I’ve/we’ve hardly eaten anything.

Welcome to my world. I'll eat if I'm hungry and won't if I am not. Food is simply fuel to me and nothing else, I don't eat to enjoy it.

When people common what I do/don't eat, I just want to tell them to mind there own business. One day I am most certainly going to.

[Shoxfordian]

Start changing the subject everytime

Karen, I've eaten lots thanks and how is little Chantelle?

Or

Lets not talk food Karen

Wear the bikini

[74NewStreet]

I can’t believe it’s happening as often as it’s being suggested, tbh. Most people just aren’t that invested in what other people are shoving into their gobs.

[Buzzzlightyear]

To the posts suggesting I’m not telling the full truth - I don’t have an eating disorder and yes they do mention it every single time I see them (without fail) although it hasn’t always been this regular.

However i can’t prove this I’m posting on an online forum so make your own assumptions.

[PickAChew]

If you were too thin, you would not look great in a bikini.

I'm middle aged and a dumpy 14 and have received uninvited "there is nothing on you" comments apropos of nothing. Some people are just obsessed with other people's weight.

[Kwkwjwkek]

You need to tell them. If you aren’t allowed to talk about running and have to wear a one piece swimsuit so you don’t upset them, then it’s not fair they’re upsetting you!

On another note, half a medium pizza and 3 sides shared between 2 adults is hardly anything to me . But then I do love pizza

[Buzzzlightyear]

Happycamper - yes but you’ve just admitted yourself you eat large portions. There’s no way my kids could eat half a medium pizza plus two slices of garlic bread each plus half a box of wedges and 2 cookies each In one sitting - they’d be sick.

[recycledbottle]

I think with some people who eat a lot, they feel more comfortable around someone who is also eating a lot. Same as with drinkers. Some people don't like drinking with someone who is only having a coke.That is probably why they mention the finishing of the dinner etc. They would feel more comfortable if you eat everything, plus desert. Its a insecurity thing.

[MarshaBradyo]

What a shame they’ve fallen into this pattern with you. You don’t sound like you’re under eating. As for fixing it it’ll be hard if engrained into your friendship dynamic. I can only think of just stopping the conversation when it happens.

[catwithflowers]

Out of interest, whose idea was it to go to a Spa to celebrate your birthdays? I would be very cross with these friends too, who seem to be projecting their own issues with food (ie possibly over-eating) onto you 😕

[managedmis]

Sounds like you work hard to stay slim. Which is a feat itself. So be proud of that, explain why you like being fit and slim and therefore healthy.

And please wear the bikini.

[DrKnickerbocker]

I'm 'skinny' and always have been, always will be.
Don't diet and definitely don't limit myself (I'd be through a pack of biscuits too.)

People hate me because I can eat what I want and not put on any weight, so I get dug out for that a lot.
Plus the whole 'what have you eaten today?' if I do turn down an offer of food, with a look of faux concern on their face.

It's jarring but there's little point in getting defensive, they just think you've something to hide.

I've learned to laugh at the comments for eating what I want and not gaining weight, or saying 'I know, lucky aren't I? '
Any 'skinny shaming' comments get something along the lines of 'What are you trying to say?' Get them to explain the comment further. Usually trips them up, while they attempt to dig themselves out of the hole.

Fuck not wearing a bikini though, wear what you want. No one can dictate to you.

[SpillTheTea]

They're projecting their issues onto you. It sounds like they wish you were as fat as them, so they can feel better about themselves. I'd wear the bikini and start asking why they're being so rude.

[missperegrinespeculiar]

yes, it can be annoying, I do intermittent fasting, for health reasons, and I get comments about "starving myself" all the time, it's uncalled for and none of anybody's business, I guess sometimes it is done out of concern I may have an eating disorder (I don't) but sometimes it is, I think, projecting of insecurities like it seems to be with your friends (unless they think you have an eating disorder?!)

however, I thing equating "fit shaming" with "fat shaming" is a bit ridiculous, being fit is universally approved of and admired, being fat is synonymous, in our society, with being lazy, a slob, lacking self control, being stupid etc. etc. often by people who have no idea about the physiology and aetiology of obesity and turn an illness into a moral failing

it's a bit like "reverse racism" or "men are discriminated against, too", they happen, sure, but they are not on a par with their opposites because of the systemic nature of racism and sexism

you are not systematically discriminated against because you are fit and slim, even though your friends' comments hurt at a personal level, so, no, not the same!

[Buzzzlightyear]

Catwithflowers - It was one of the 2 girls that had her hen party at said spa and we had such a lovely time we said we’d go back (FYI 3 of the 5 of us wore bikinis)

[WhereYouLeftIt]

"The thing is - to those saying to call them out - how do I do it without causing too much damage the the friendship?"

When the next eating-out is suggested, look them straight in the eye and say "
I'm finding eating with you two really uncomfortable. You watch me like hawks and comment endlessly about what and how much I eat. It sometimes feels like you're trying to shame me, and that's upsetting. It's really uncomfortable, and I'd appreciate it if you'd just stop."

[Allfednonedead]

Again and again I’m baffled by these people who think it’s acceptable to comment on other people’s eating and weight. Is that not the height of rudeness, whether fat or thin?
I think you should say something next time one of them makes one of those comments. Maybe something like: “ DF, you have commented on what i eat a lot recently. Do you have a particular reason for being concerned about me?”
If they say yes, reassure them that you are a reasonable weight and happy with your body.
If they say no, that’s the end of that bit.
In either case, finish the conversation with “Thanks for your concern, but it makes me uncomfortable to have you always scrutinising what I eat. Please can we drop the subject entirely?”
Repeat as often as necessary with every one of them until either they drop it or you realise they’re not worth the effort.

[Curiosity101]

@Buzzzlightyear Just to add I definitely wouldnt be buying a swimsuit, it seems OTT to be asked to buy a new one just because some people aren't comfortable with their body shape.

[constantlyseekinghappiness]

This is thin shaming. People would be mortified and up in arms if you do it to a bigger person, you should call them out on it. I’ve had this ALL my life. It’s bloody annoying. Imagine if you said something like ‘so good to see you not fishing that whole pizza etc’ - you would be taken apart. This is no different

I agree with all of this.

You said yourself OP, weight is a sensitive subject and people shouldn’t comment on it. At all. That applies both ways. I couldn’t be friends with these people. You say you could ruin your friendship by speaking up, but they are ruining your enjoyment of the friendship by behaving this way. I just couldn’t tolerate people commenting on my weight - I’m a size 8/10 and eat plenty. If someone commented negatively to make themselves feel better (as I’m sure they would consider it eating too little) I would be very quick in answering back and shutting them down.

As other PPs said - it would be outrageous if you commented on their weight negatively.

[ArgumentativeAardvaark]

Do you and your DH share a whole pizza (half each) and the sides, or are you sharing the half pizza between you?

As someone who sounds quite sporty I’m surprised you don’t have a one piece costume for going to the public pool in the U.K.- you wouldn’t wear a bikini to swim lengths would you?

If these really are close friends that you love, just buy a cheap one piece Speedo type from Sports Direct them you can use it for sport swimming too. Also, if you are really close to them, can you not have an honest conversation about their weird behaviour such as the hugging you for eating a MacDonalds or suggesting you never finish a meal?

[BringMeAGinandTonic]

I agree with @Trewser. They do sound awful. They clearly have insecurities and instead of understanding those insecurities, they channel them through you in the form of jealousy and make-believe narratives that YOU OP have the problems instead of them. Exhausting!

[constantlyseekinghappiness]

Again and again I’m baffled by these people who think it’s acceptable to comment on other people’s eating and weight. Is that not the height of rudeness, whether fat or thin?

Yes!!!!!

I’ve heard this in work. Today someone in work commented on “what a healthy looking salad I was eating” as they stuffed their face with greasy food, crisps and a chocolate bar. They’re overweight. I left it and didn’t reply. But I was thinking “fuck off”. Don’t use me to try to make yourself feel better or to justify your own food intake. Because I don’t care what you eat until you comment on my food.