To not invite this boy over for play dates because of his mother.

[QueenofmyPrinces]

My son is five years old, in Year 1 at school and he has five good friends. All of us moms get on well too.

Our sons do various activities together (sports and other things), we all go on group trips our together and maybe once a month us moms go out together to socialise child-free.

Anyhow, one of the mothers is lovely but quite materialistic (and likes to show off about things) and about six months ago I was round her house with my son as we were preparing to take the boys swimming and she told me that she doesn’t let her son go to anyone’s house (for a play date) unless she has been inside the house herself and looked around it to make sure it’s suitable for her son to spend time there. She told me a tale about one house she’d been in and there were some stains on the carpet and that the bathroom hadn’t looked like it had been cleaned recently and so she wouldn’t let her son go there even though he was really good friends with the woman’s daughter.

I have never invited her son to my house for this reason. He is the only one out of my son’s friends that I haven’t had over to play.

Of the four other friends, this week I have two of the boys coming over after school and next week the other two boys are coming over.

The woman in question cornered me in the school playground this morning and said she felt very hurt that I was excluding her son from the play dates.

Rather than skirt around the issue I told her that if she was only going to allow her son to come and play depending on her judgment of the quality of my house, as opposed to how long she and I have known each other (18 months) and how well our boys get on, then it wasn’t something I wanted to be involved in. I was polite to her about it but I still wanted her to know how uncomfortable I felt about her judgements of others.

She looked furious and stormed off.

But I’m not BU am I ?

Ok, I feel bad that her son isn’t getting invited round when the rest of the boys are, but why should I allow her into my house purely so she can look around it and make an assessment as to whether it’s suitable enough for her son to be in?

That’s not normal behaviour is it?!

Good on you, this woman sounds obsessed and catty. Her poor son will miss out on play dates with perfectly nice families for incredibly petty reasons, you may have helped her loosen up and change her shallow ways. If people aren’t told they’re ridiculous how are they supposed to know?

I agree with pp that she has OCD so a lot of the comments about her not being normal, she's shallow etc don't sit right with me. You just don't understand her thinking.

However, the bitchiness about people's houses is a separate issue. It's one thing to need to see the houses. It's another to bitch about them. So from that POV I can understand why you don't want her in your house.

Doesn't sound like you like her too much.

I don't let my 4 year old go to play at peoples houses unaccompanied unless I've been there first. I assumed this was normal to be honest.

LaurieFairyCake - exactly

I don't let my 4 year old go to play at peoples houses unaccompanied unless I've been there first. I assumed this was normal to be honest.

I was the same way after my eldest was mauled by a friends dog and then had to have plastic surgery to correct her face. I should have been more cautious to begin with and checked homes for safety issues.

Thankfully, no one “pulled me up” on being anxious like the OP has done.

Stains on the carpet, a slightly grubby bathroom and an odd smell or two?
I’ve taught reception.
And Y1
I wonder if she’s ever inspected the classrooms her poppet spends hours a day in.

Dogs were my first thought too @PlanDeRaccordement.

Also, people seem to be confusing a messy house and a dirty house. I don't care if my children are playing at a house with washing piled up on the dining table or toys all over the floor. I don't want them playing in a house with a shit stained toilet or kitchen that hasn't been cleaned in weeks.

Stains on the carpet, a slightly grubby bathroom and an odd smell or two?
I’ve taught reception.
And Y1
I wonder if she’s ever inspected the classrooms her poppet spends hours a day in.

Good point! She's quite clearly obsessed about this and it's having an adverse effect on her DS's life.

I wonder what she would make of a household with 3 cats??

@namechangetheworld
Yes I agree. People are confusing messy with very dirty. I have never minded messy.

Plus they are forgetting that your child’s friends house is an unknown quantity until you go there and see it.

For another examp,e. We live in France. So, many homes have swimming pools. Until my children were strong swimmers (almost teens) they did not go to a friends house with a pool unaccompanied. I or DH always went to ensure there would be at least one adult on lifeguard duty.

I think you’re being really mean. If you like her son then just invite her in, let her glance around the downstairs and if she bitches about your house so what. You are making a big drama out of something that really doesn’t have to be.
I would not let my 5 year old go to a house that I have not been in so I don’t think she’s being unreasonable. And all this I’ve known her 18 months, I’ve known lots of people for 18 months, doesn’t mean I let my child go to their house.

You’ve done your best so let it lie now. She’s obviously feeling upset about the whole thing. I suspect that if you ask her son over in a week or two he will be allowed to come- she clearly does want him to have play dates.

I also suspect that she doesn’t understand why she’s never been invited into your house and if you accused her of checking for dust etc she’d say that she didn’t mean you. Just other, unknown people.

You do spend quite a bit of time together whether you are close or not so I would keep going in an effort to put this to bed and ensure her child doesn’t suffer because of her shortfalls. We do, after all have a few of these.

I don't see how posting such a detailed thread about her on the internet, where she will obviously be able to identify herself, is anything other than bitchy and gossipy.

At least she didn't publish her remarks about the other person's house on the internet.

OP, I think you have been reasonable.

I can completely understand you being put off someone because they gossiped about the state of someone's house.

It's not nice. It's not kind.

user7522689
At least she didn't publish her remarks about the other person's house on the internet.

How do you know that she didn't? Checked the whole internet?

If somebody said to their child, in front of me, that he was not allowed to go into my house because she had not been inside it (ie that she had not had a chance to vet it before he was allowed to set foot there), two things:

One, I would know that she was already being rude to me in my presence by implying that my house/standard of hygiene was likely not to be good enough to meet her exacting standards , and

Two, I would have no reason to think that she would not also be rude about me/my house/my standard of hygiene in my absence.

After all, she did not hesitate to be rude about somebody else's house and hygiene to the OP. And "if she says this to me, what does she say about me?" is a good rule of thumb for judging how people behave and how close you want to allow them to get.

Oh gosh Yanbu- she'd hate my house. It's clean but very dated, my landlord hasn't replaced the kitchen, bathroom or any of the flooring since it was built in the early 80's and the carpets are incredibly stained. Tbh I am embarrassed to have anyone but my closest friends round but thankfully children are less discriminating so dc can have friends round and their parents luckily don't inspect. 99.9% of the properties in this area/school catchment are far outside my budget and our street is amazing so I picked location over modern and trendy. I feel it was the right choice for DC.

You’re punishing the child for the mother’s behaviour. She shouldn’t be judgey about other people’s housekeeping, but her comments weren’t important enough for you to upset a 5 yr old over.

I usually go with my child on the first playdate somewhere new. I don’t give a shit about anyone’s housekeeping (my house is a tip) but having experienced as a child a playdate where a huge randy dog kept mounting me for hours (the parents weren’t helpful!), I wouldn’t feel right if I had no idea of the environment my child’s in. I also feel very aware that the first time young kids see porn is apparently usually on a playdate so eg I wouldn’t want him anywhere there was unsupervised internet use. (Plus I’m sociable and love to catch up with my friends.)

Sounds like you’ve handled the situation badly by excluding her son in quite a malicious and provocative fashion. And now you’ve got the row you were seeking. Well done 🙄

Good for you op,you did well to speak up.
But,the only one suffering in this is her dc who has done nothing wrong but is being excluded which must hurt.
If your friend is still civil perhaps you could have a play date in a neutral environment?
The dc could well be feeling pretty lonely,children talk,he will know the others are all being invited out.

If your friend is still civil perhaps you could have a play date in a neutral environment?

Our children spend three evenings a week together at their shared activity so they do spend a lot of time time together, he just doesn’t come to the house.

The mother sent me a text a few hours ago, thanking me for the offer but that it wasn’t necessary as she enjoys taking her child to the activity. I said that she could just meet us there and so still see him do the activity but she said that it seemed pretty pointless doing that, so I just left it.

For whatever reason she wants to see your house, in her own head she can justify it but when you've told her what she's previously said she's not happy.

I think you've played it well.

Will go against the grain, but no, I would not let my 5yo to go on his own into house, where I have not been inside myself. In fact, just few weeks ago my 9yo was invited to a b'day party of her new classmate and I insisted to go inside and stay, as I did not know the family at all and wasn't going to leave my child in a care of some random (to me!) people. I understand that OP was in different situation and I salute her for telling other mother the truth to her face, but I am afraid, the cleanliness is important to me, and so is my DC's safety.

The only person punishing a child is the person who has decided to refuse him permission to see his friends, ie his mother.

It isn't only the OP who has had it made clear to her that her house may not meet the exacting standards which make it acceptable to little Percy's mother; the rest of his friends' mothers have also been warned of this by her.

Her picky nature is causing him this problem.

OP, again, you have been most reasonable.

No longer your problem IMO.

OP I think you've handled it perfectly!

So she complained that you hadn't invited her son to your house to play.
You reminded her about previous comments about how she likes to check any house beforehand.
She said that wasn't what she meant.
You invited her son to your house for a play.
She said no.

Yes you totally misunderstood her comments about checking each house before letting her son go over. 😂

Fair play, she sounds like a right arse. Shame for her son though.