To not invite this boy over for play dates because of his mother.

[QueenofmyPrinces]

My son is five years old, in Year 1 at school and he has five good friends. All of us moms get on well too.

Our sons do various activities together (sports and other things), we all go on group trips our together and maybe once a month us moms go out together to socialise child-free.

Anyhow, one of the mothers is lovely but quite materialistic (and likes to show off about things) and about six months ago I was round her house with my son as we were preparing to take the boys swimming and she told me that she doesn’t let her son go to anyone’s house (for a play date) unless she has been inside the house herself and looked around it to make sure it’s suitable for her son to spend time there. She told me a tale about one house she’d been in and there were some stains on the carpet and that the bathroom hadn’t looked like it had been cleaned recently and so she wouldn’t let her son go there even though he was really good friends with the woman’s daughter.

I have never invited her son to my house for this reason. He is the only one out of my son’s friends that I haven’t had over to play.

Of the four other friends, this week I have two of the boys coming over after school and next week the other two boys are coming over.

The woman in question cornered me in the school playground this morning and said she felt very hurt that I was excluding her son from the play dates.

Rather than skirt around the issue I told her that if she was only going to allow her son to come and play depending on her judgment of the quality of my house, as opposed to how long she and I have known each other (18 months) and how well our boys get on, then it wasn’t something I wanted to be involved in. I was polite to her about it but I still wanted her to know how uncomfortable I felt about her judgements of others.

She looked furious and stormed off.

But I’m not BU am I ?

Ok, I feel bad that her son isn’t getting invited round when the rest of the boys are, but why should I allow her into my house purely so she can look around it and make an assessment as to whether it’s suitable enough for her son to be in?

That’s not normal behaviour is it?!

I can't understand why you are spending so much time in someone's house when you dislike her so much.

I tend to agree with PPs that she sounds insecure more than anything else. I can see how irritating she could be, but I think she's trying too hard more than anything and possibly quite lonely

And I agree with PPs who have suggested that she might have OCD.

A) I have been to her house about 6/7ish times in 18 months. I’m not sure that’s hardly excessive.

B) I don’t dislike her. I just don’t like one part of her personality.

Good on you, OP, I think you handled that well.

I have 3 kids and would i heck as like need to “inspect” the houses they went to for tea after school.
OP says it’s been 18 months, so presumably the lads are in Y1 and have played together (and the mums have socialised) since the start of Reception. You’d have enough of a feeling about whether someone is responsible enough to have your child there for a play date without need to check their living quarters out, surely?

Or are the PP insisting on this the parents of Precious Firstborns who aren’t thinking about the practicalities of family life?

She is wrong to talk about someone else's house when the people are known to you, That is just malicious gossip, frankly.

I am so glad I was only minimally involved with other mothers when mine small, I loathe gossip with a vengeance.

My house has always been something of a train wreck, (worse now I'm on my own and hoard things), but people were happy for me to have their children, even to stay a day and night or two despite my/our incompetence with the house. Husb and I did our best but it wasn't wonderful, however nobody died or even had food poisoning.

I think, going on her responses this evening that she has just proved your point. She really doesn't want to let her child in your house without giving it the once over first. It doesn't sound like she wants to let go yet. It sounds like you got her spot on OP.

You’ve made this totally about you!!

You only know this woman because of and through your son. You’re her acquaintance to facilitate your son’s life, do things for him as a parent.

I think you’ve been appallingly rude to her and owe her an apology. Ok maybe she’s materialistic and likes to show off. She probably doesn’t think you’re all that either. None of it matters. Let the boys play together if they’re friends and you don’t think he’s a bad influence on your child. If she doesn’t want her son playing with yours, for whatever reason, so be it.

Sending her a text saying you'll pick her son up from school and take him home for a play date is just being horrible when you already know she has issues around checking out where he is going to be.

Yes she is being strange. You are simply. Will you be bitching to your other mum mates, when you next meet them without her, how gracious you were and what her reply was.

Just think how she is feeling at home now. Precious or not, she has a thing about seeing where her son is, she is seeing her son excluded by supposed friends, and now a person she thought of as a friend, knowing her issues is baiting her.

@cstaff I imagine it’s more to do with OP being so rude to her that she doesn’t want her son there without her.

Good for you getting her telt. I am sure she didn’t like it but she deserved it!

Sending her a text saying you'll pick her son up from school and take him home for a play date is just being horrible when you already know she has issues around checking out where he is going to be.

I didn’t text her at all - I said it to her directly when we were walking home form school. And I didn’t tell her I was doing it, I said I would do it if she didn’t mind?

And this was after she had told me that I was wrong for thinking she wanted to see inside my house before allowing her son over.

Firstly she described an unhygienic home

A bathroom that looked like it hadn't been cleaned recently and stains on the carpet? The horror... I didn't realise a house had to be spotless for safe play to happen

the OP doesn't WANT this mum in her house, because the other mum has already shown that she will gossip about the state of other people's houses with people

but she has no issue going to the other woman's house. A bit hypocritical don't you think?

Nope not at all actually

And also my flat is tiny, so tiny that none of my friends (not even those I've known for over 20 years) have set foot in it. That doesn't mean I don't consider them friends.

@MonstranceClock
But the OP wasn't rude to start with. This woman is the one being rude - It was her that confronted the OP and asked why her son wasn't invited. The OP just answered her honestly. The fact that she has to inspect any house before she allows her child in there is way over the top and downright rude. Who does that - it is not normal. She is the one who has made her own son's life difficult by being awkward about him being able to visit friends. This is all on the mother.

OP had already said that the woman said she had gotten it all wrong. And yes it’s rude to ostracise a 5 year old child because for some reason you can’t handle inviting his mum in for a cup of coffee to ease a bit of possible anxiety she might have.

yes it’s rude to ostracise a 5 year old child because for some reason you can’t handle inviting his mum in for a cup of coffee to ease a bit of possible anxiety she might have

There's a difference between anxiety and wanting to inspect your home to make sure there are no carpet stains and the loo was cleaned this morning.

My house is absolutely fine but is of course lived in - I have a two year old, as well my five year old, so of course there are toys everywhere and general child related chaos, whereas her house is always really tidy.

that's fine, that's your house.
I have 4 kids and my house is not chaos though, there aren't toys everywhere by choice.

If you are happy with your home, who cares what other people may think? There's always someone with different taste who will dislike it anyway.

OR maybe these people are perfectly happy with their homes the way they are but are worried that some stuck-up snob will say their son can't come round because there were stains on the carpet and then gossip about how crap they think the house is to other mums.

Again, Op has assumed that’s what the mum wanted to do. Op was apparently wrong.

The woman told her son IN FRONT OF THE OP that he couldn't go round to OP's house because she hadn't seen the inside of OP's house.

It doesn't get any clearer than that.

OP has been honest with the reason for the lack of invites. The woman has been clear about not accepting any such invites up until this point.

The fact OP has now offered up an olive branch and extended a sincere invite in person after school today to have him round was a nice thing to do. In fact, she made two separate offers to have him round. The woman was clearly reluctant to accept ... probably because she can't get past not having been inside OP's house.

That's on the woman, not OP.

And this was after she had told me that I was wrong for thinking she wanted to see inside my house before allowing her son over.

Well that's a result! Perhaps if you and your friends has talked to her about it in the first place instead of not inviting her son to the point she noticed and discussing her behind her back it wouldn't have been a problem at all.

If I was her, knowing you had all made it so obvious you had been talking in your little group about her and excluding her son, I'd facilitate the children's friendship but other than civil/polite chit chat, distance myself from the mums.

And yes it’s rude to ostracise a 5 year old child because for some reason you can’t handle inviting his mum in for a cup of coffee to ease a bit of possible anxiety she might have.

It isn’t anxiety - it is judgement. She made that very clear from the way she rudely spoke about a house she had previously seen.

I don’t want her on my house because I’m well aware that will no doubt lead to her gossiping to others about my home and what she thinks about it.

I don't think you are unreasonable that said neither is she. It's an odd thing to announce that you won't take your child to a house you haven't inspected, that said if my 5 yo was invited to a house for a play date, I'd probably want to go along myself the first time, unless I knew the parent extremely well. It's more the parent I could potentially be concerned about, not the house.

I don't think I'd ever be as blatant as to say "I'd like to come and inspect your house if that's ok" though. Round here it seems normal that kids are accompanied to other people's houses first time they go. Kids are only 4 and 6 though.

And this was after she had told me that I was wrong for thinking she wanted to see inside my house before allowing her son over.

Just because she told me that I had been wrong, that doesn’t mean I was.

We both know exactly what she said about wanting to see inside other people’s houses before letting her children in them, she’s now just backtracking because I have pulled her up on it and said I don’t agree with it.

I don't think it's sensible to check if the house is safe I couldn't give a fuck

I'd just be thinking 'is their own kid alive and looking normal'