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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not invite this boy over for play dates because of his mother.

765 replies

QueenofmyPrinces · 15/01/2020 09:47

My son is five years old, in Year 1 at school and he has five good friends. All of us moms get on well too.

Our sons do various activities together (sports and other things), we all go on group trips our together and maybe once a month us moms go out together to socialise child-free.

Anyhow, one of the mothers is lovely but quite materialistic (and likes to show off about things) and about six months ago I was round her house with my son as we were preparing to take the boys swimming and she told me that she doesn’t let her son go to anyone’s house (for a play date) unless she has been inside the house herself and looked around it to make sure it’s suitable for her son to spend time there. She told me a tale about one house she’d been in and there were some stains on the carpet and that the bathroom hadn’t looked like it had been cleaned recently and so she wouldn’t let her son go there even though he was really good friends with the woman’s daughter.

I have never invited her son to my house for this reason. He is the only one out of my son’s friends that I haven’t had over to play.

Of the four other friends, this week I have two of the boys coming over after school and next week the other two boys are coming over.

The woman in question cornered me in the school playground this morning and said she felt very hurt that I was excluding her son from the play dates.

Rather than skirt around the issue I told her that if she was only going to allow her son to come and play depending on her judgment of the quality of my house, as opposed to how long she and I have known each other (18 months) and how well our boys get on, then it wasn’t something I wanted to be involved in. I was polite to her about it but I still wanted her to know how uncomfortable I felt about her judgements of others.

She looked furious and stormed off.

But I’m not BU am I ?

Ok, I feel bad that her son isn’t getting invited round when the rest of the boys are, but why should I allow her into my house purely so she can look around it and make an assessment as to whether it’s suitable enough for her son to be in?

That’s not normal behaviour is it?!

OP posts:
OnTheEdgeOfTheNight · 18/01/2020 16:59

Well done on standing up for yourself.
She really doesn't sound like a nice person - she is comparing her child to yours, her home, her life.

I don't think you needed to apologise, and remember you have invited her son several times and it's his mother who said he can't go unless you let her examine your house.
She would find fault and she would not keep that to herself.

Do you know if the others have let her examine their homes? Even if they have, that's their choice (and they may have felt manipulated too).

Anyway, don't be apologetic when you see her. Just say hello or whatever, don't try to curry favour. She really doesn't deserve it. At some point, probably within the year, other parents will feel it's even less appropriate to let her in their houses at all, never mind giving a tour. It's not you, it's her who's being weird.

AskingQuestionsAllTheTime · 18/01/2020 17:01

QueenofmyPrinces
you say on p24
Anyhow - she told me that nobody else minded showing her around their houses to prove it was clean, and the fact that I wont do it is just an excuse to not invite her son. She basically said that I must not like her son and that’s why I haven’t invited him round.
and you also said back on page 1 or so
None of the other mums have had him over either.

So she was straight old-fashioned lying there about nobody else having concerns about her behaviour, wasn't she? They do dislike the Hygiene Inspector aspect of her behaviour, and as a result her son has not been in their houses, whether because she pulled this "oh no Bobby you can't go there until Mummy has inspected the house" rubbish or because knowing that she would demand an unacceptable level of transparency from them meant they didn't walk into it by letting her come round.

Either that, or she has done her tour of inspection at their houses and that's why Little Bobby hasn't been allowed to go there. They just haven't told you because they too have been made unhappy and ashamed by her, and don't want to talk about it.

OnTheEdgeOfTheNight · 18/01/2020 17:02

And if your house was a bit messy when someone visited? The only reasonable response is "Crikey you should see mine!" or similar.

AskingQuestionsAllTheTime · 18/01/2020 17:03

Actually, the word I wanted there was not "transparency": it was "nosy-parkering".

OnTheEdgeOfTheNight · 18/01/2020 17:04

Just tell the mutual friends that on reflection, it was clear she wanted the full tour, which you weren't happy with.

billy1966 · 18/01/2020 17:09

OP, I think you have done the right thing.

This is her issue.

I thought you said, none of the other mothers have had this boy over for this reason?

She did manipulate you by having the conversation in front of the children.
Very unfair of her. But not surprising.
She couldn't care less about you or your child OP.
She wants what she wants, and that's it.

I would keep the narrative very simple if she feels the need to have a go at you again, or if you need to mention it to the other Mum's......"she kept insisting on having an inspection of my house, I capitulated because it came up again in front of the children.
However I changed my mind because I can't get past her bitching about other people's homes, and I am not having my home spoken about like that." End of.

Keep to that simple statement to her anyone else.

I think she's a bully. I don't use the word lightly.
She just cannot respect nor bear that you will give her what she wants.

The only part that I do feel YABU about is thinking that you can actually be friendly with this woman.
Batshit is what she is.

Children's playdates should not be so difficult or stressful.

I wouldn't go NEAR her home again OP.

💐

FraglesRock · 18/01/2020 17:17

I think you've done your best. You both have boundaries and can't agree.
You've been honest and she's not used to people giving in to her.

Andylion · 18/01/2020 17:19

Actually, the word I wanted there was not "transparency": it was "nosy-parkering".

Off topic, but, in a hundred years, when people come across autocorrected posts, they are going to have serious WTF moments. I envision hundreds of linguists trying to decipher our auto-codes.

Original poster
QueenofmyPrinces · 18/01/2020 17:26

she told me that nobody else minded showing her around their houses to prove it was clean.....

When she said this, I assumed she was referring to parents of other children outside of the 6 boys in our friendship circle - including the family whose household didn’t pass the carpet test.

To the best of my knowledge she has not been in the homes of the other children in our friendship group but I may be wrong.

OP posts:
Original poster
QueenofmyPrinces · 18/01/2020 17:29

Children's playdates should not be so difficult or stressful.

Amen to this!!!!

OP posts:
BumbleBeee69 · 18/01/2020 17:31

OP.... this woman totally manipulated you... you have done the right thing.. Flowers

SmellyBeard · 18/01/2020 17:50

To be honest.. I think this friendship may have bitten the dust.

TheCakeCrusader · 18/01/2020 18:01

OP, from what’s been discussed, it sounds like this other mother has become completely ( or just is ) unreasonable. She sounds obsessive about getting her own way in spite of you explaining why this behaviour is not reasonable and also how someone making a one sided judgement ( based only on her own criteria) makes you feel. She is determined to keep using the fact that you don’t want your house inspected in such a demeaning way to make allegations that it’s because you don’t like her son!

Honestly, stop trying to appease this ‘friend’, I can even imagine her going round the skirting boards doing the finger dust test or pulling a face at some imagined perceived blot on anything! No thanks, I wouldn’t want her in my house either based on her ridiculous over the top demands!

cologne4711 · 18/01/2020 18:12

I'd hate this. I was always grateful that ds' school didn't have the system of sending a teacher round to inspect your home and see if you were a naice middle class family with books in the house (we do, loads, and for the record ds still doesn't read books for pleasure). I'd have little patience with mothers wanting to check my kitchen floor was clean and I'd put bleach down the loo.

ConstanceSalinger · 18/01/2020 18:23

Honestly OP you are winding yourself up and everyone else in the group now. The damage has been done, you'll never go back to being "friends" with the HVM now, although I don't think you like her that much anyway.

I can honestly see how this happened. She went to someone's house, thought it was a midden, told you in a "I know it's bitchy but we're friends" way, you've then got your own anxieties and have got wound up over it and frankly shouldn't have to feel like someone is inviting themselves to your house.

I wouldn't ask anyone to leave a small child at my house without knowing me better, neither would I leave mine at a house where I've not visited before. I might revise that as they get bigger but certainly not under 7.

YourOpinionIsNoted · 18/01/2020 18:29

I wouldn't ask anyone to leave a small child at my house without knowing me better, neither would I leave mine at a house where I've not visited before. I might revise that as they get bigger but certainly not under 7.

Totally the norm here. DD is 5, in year one, and has been to friend's houses and had friends to us without any house inspection or knowing parents beyond chatting at birthday parties and pick ups & drop offs.

BumbleBeee69 · 18/01/2020 18:31

OP's 'friend' is not just 'visiting' her house FFS ..

she is INSPECTING every room for cleanliness hygiene and safety... she is carrying out a full inspection....

OP is correct to decline this.. inspection.. FUCK THAT

itsgettingweird · 18/01/2020 18:32

I don't think I ever went further than the thread hold of ds play dates. Neither did people come into mine. I actually live first floor flat so I tended to take child down to parents as easier for them.

I was pretty able to decide if I trusted someone to care for him from knowing them and seeing them in public.

ConstanceSalinger · 18/01/2020 18:32

Totally the norm here. DD is 5, in year one, and has been to friend's houses and had friends to us without any house inspection or knowing parents beyond chatting at birthday parties and pick ups & drop offs

Great! But I wouldn't and I think my fellow parents would be Hmm if it was suggested at our school for little ones. Some people are just different

OnTheEdgeOfTheNight · 18/01/2020 19:16

This is quite different to leaving your child with a family you don't know without quietly checking the house at drop off. Nosy mum already knows the family well, and she has been clear that it's the home she would inspect, she already knows who lives there, how they spend their time, how they interact with their own children and hers, whether they have dangerous pets etc.

coconuttelegraph · 18/01/2020 20:12

I'm late to this thread, what a roller coaster, I'm with you OP and was quite disappointed to read you'd given in but then, yeah, well done on changing your mind and sticking to your guns.

It isn't on you to do something that makes you so uncomfortable and is frankly well overstepping any normal boundary so her son can have a playdate, I can't believe posters who are saying you are somehow responsible

morrisseysquif · 18/01/2020 20:34

I feel stressed reading your update, and angry on your behalf. I think this woman has some kind of OCD cleaning compulsion, hence her OTT need to inspect other people's homes.

She has every right to say wants to inspect houses, by her own rules about how she lives her life.

You had every right to say you didn't agree with her and refuse to meet her conditions. It should have been left there.

She then used her son to emotionally manipulate you, which was underhand.

Her needs did not trump yours. Well done for not capitulating.

FraglesRock · 18/01/2020 20:52

If she brings it up in front of the children again, say 'yes of course' to the little boy, 'when mummy is happy to drop you off of course you're welcome'

Original poster
QueenofmyPrinces · 18/01/2020 21:12

I think it’s going to be very awkward on Monday because naturally my son and the two boys who came over on Friday are going to be talking about what they did and the fun they had etc and it’s going to be awful.

I think I might set off for the school run about 10 minutes later in the morning so that by the time we get to the school all the other parents would have already dropped off and left.

I think avoidance is the way forward over the next week to try and prevent the situation from flaring up.

OP posts:
ContessaferJones · 18/01/2020 21:43

I understand you wanting to just duck your head down and avoid OP - I'd feel the same.

If she does try to guilt you again (and she might) in front of her son, you could always say to him that he's very welcome to come over if his mummy will let him. It's her fault he's not coming over, not yours! It's a slightly low blow but it's the truth. Only do that if she pushes it, mind.