To not invite this boy over for play dates because of his mother.

[QueenofmyPrinces]

My son is five years old, in Year 1 at school and he has five good friends. All of us moms get on well too.

Our sons do various activities together (sports and other things), we all go on group trips our together and maybe once a month us moms go out together to socialise child-free.

Anyhow, one of the mothers is lovely but quite materialistic (and likes to show off about things) and about six months ago I was round her house with my son as we were preparing to take the boys swimming and she told me that she doesn’t let her son go to anyone’s house (for a play date) unless she has been inside the house herself and looked around it to make sure it’s suitable for her son to spend time there. She told me a tale about one house she’d been in and there were some stains on the carpet and that the bathroom hadn’t looked like it had been cleaned recently and so she wouldn’t let her son go there even though he was really good friends with the woman’s daughter.

I have never invited her son to my house for this reason. He is the only one out of my son’s friends that I haven’t had over to play.

Of the four other friends, this week I have two of the boys coming over after school and next week the other two boys are coming over.

The woman in question cornered me in the school playground this morning and said she felt very hurt that I was excluding her son from the play dates.

Rather than skirt around the issue I told her that if she was only going to allow her son to come and play depending on her judgment of the quality of my house, as opposed to how long she and I have known each other (18 months) and how well our boys get on, then it wasn’t something I wanted to be involved in. I was polite to her about it but I still wanted her to know how uncomfortable I felt about her judgements of others.

She looked furious and stormed off.

But I’m not BU am I ?

Ok, I feel bad that her son isn’t getting invited round when the rest of the boys are, but why should I allow her into my house purely so she can look around it and make an assessment as to whether it’s suitable enough for her son to be in?

That’s not normal behaviour is it?!

You are building this up in your mind to be way more than it is or needs to be. Calm down, this level of drama really isn't necessarily for someone coming for a cuppa.

My house is no where near a show room, we have a labrador in moult, a 10 year old sofa and carpet that badly needs replacing (especially on the stairs!) and kitchen/bathrooms that are lived in.

I am not ashamed of it and I would have no problem with any mother coming in when dropping off a 5 year old. It is understandable, even if she had been a bit too open about doing it, at that age to want to see where their child is going to be.

@Dontdisturbmenow
“It’s pretty clear to me what her position is
It doesn't seem clear at all.
She said she wanted to see your house to be reassured it's not filthy.
You have interpreted this to mean she wants a tour of every single room to inspect how well you clean your house.
The two are quite different”

The OP has already explained that this mother wants to inspect the ‘house’ not just one room. Given this mother’s mindset, why would she just therefore look at only one room especially since she’s already criticised another friend’s home. The other OP’s friends have also stated that they also been told similar things too

I would feel uncomfortable and judged too if a friend made a request like this! It’s quite different to pop over when your child is having a play date and completely intrusive to then expect a ’tour’ around the whole house in order to make a judgement based on her own specific criteria of cleanliness!

As a PP said, she thinks she’s got her way now and is probably feeling very smug about it sad

Are you for real? So much stress because you've invited a mother over for a coffee? Why are you so paranoid?

And do you really think it comes down to her feeling smug because you've agreed to open your door to someone you claim to be a friend you've known for 18 months?

Is this is really what you think of her, than why or why would you even contemplated remaining friends with her. Either she is a total bitch, who takes pleasure from tantalising you to do something you are almost having panic attacks over and she knows it, who can't wait to get into your house, secretly take pictures so she can post them to everyone to see and make comments about what a disgusting place it is, in which case. Or you are being totally paranoid, she is just a nice person as you claimed, and only wants a foot in the door to be reassured it is not filthy and she doesn't understand at all why you are reacting as if you were going to be interviewed by the police for something you did.

Take a deep breath, there is much much worse to have to contemplate in life than inviting a friend over for a coffee at your house!

The OP has already explained that this mother wants to inspect the ‘house’ not just one room
And she's told her she was inviting her for tea and that was that. What is this women going to do? Get up from the sofa and start walking around. If so, OP just has to say that she doesn't want her to go upstairs. Surely she is not going to bully OP out of the way to go up. If it gets to this, then she can tell her that she is being unreasonable and ask her to leave.

What are those things that you know she will not approve that you can't do anything about it quickly? Gosh, are you growing weed or what? Sorry, just joking, but what can be so bad that you think she'll freak out?

Cancel now and you're making it into a massive deal which can never be resolved.

Give her a coffee. Chat in the kitchen while the boys play. Like you would with any other normal mum friend. Get it done naturally calmly for your ds's sake.

Job done.

I think that there are a fair number of posters on this thread who don't quite understand the fear of being inspected. If you grow up with a critical parent, for instance (as I believe the OP may have done, from memory of previous threads) then the fear of being judged and found wanting stems from childhood and runs deep. That might explain the OPs reaction to those of you who find it disproportionate (I don't, for reference).

Say:

Just to be clear about tomorrow, the boys are all being dropped off and the other mums aren't staying either. I know you would like the full tour but that won't be happening. That's not how I do things. If we don't see you tomorrow I hope you have a nice day.

Also, who cares why she feels this way? You don't need to fix her or accommodate her.

Up to the point before you asked her I thought you'd handled it well but asking her wasn't a great move. However the solution isn't to cancel because then you're sending mixed messages and that would be a nail in the friendship coffin. The solution is to suck up the situation and see how it goes in reality. If it's as awful as you think then you never have to do it again. If it's OK you might consider doing it on rotation with the other mums. If you hear wind of her bitching about yours or their houses you cut out the house playdates for good.

I can’t isolate her to the kitchen because we need to be on the bottom two because the ground floor is kitchen and where we will be eating and then the second floor is where the living room is and where the playing will take place. When she then asks to use the bathroom she will have to go up to the third floor.

And yes, I grew up in an environment of very critical parents - nothing was quite good enough - and so yes, I have always felt like I need to live up to others expectations and feel pressured at the thought of being judged.

OP, I really feel so sorry for you.

This awful, critical woman and her needs being met.

I think she has manipulated you.
I think you will regret for ever being cornered like this and going against what you wanted to do.

I can understand your distress. It's based on you being pushed to do something you really do not want to do.

I would cancel the whole thing. Take your child out and do something nice.

And NEVER engage with this conversation again.

I think she's a complete PITA.
She will feel vindicated.
And she will comment on your home.

Either way, I'd be backing so far away from her.

💐💐💐

Have kitchen, sitting room, and bathroom in a reasonably respectable state. All other rooms are out of bounds. If she asks to go to the bathroom, tell her you'll show her where it is and wait for her (find something to fold or put away while she's there!) and then bring her back down to the kitchen. She doesn't need to sit and watch the 2 boys playing in the sitting room!

She absolutely does not get a tour. People saying "so what if she inspects your house?"... Why SHOULD SHE inspect the house. Her son is playing there for an hour. Not moving in in a foster care situation.

3 rooms she could potentially see. Everything else is behind closed doors and not necessary to be "inspected".

My friends take my house, and me, as they find it. If anyone was looking for a full tour so they could inspect the suitability they'd be told my child doesn't need a friend that badly! Funny enough it sounds like HER child is the one who could do with a few more friends.

I'm sorry that she managed to manipulate you into inviting her. Crikey she's a piece of work, I mean why would she even want to come after you've been so upfront with her. Knowing you as long as she has, she has absolutely no reason to need to see inside your home in order to know whether or not you are a safe bet to look after her son.

I'd be tempted to run plan B, which is something I have done in the past with a similar sounding "friend" who is a complete bitch about anything & everything others do & have. She's fixated on how MC she is, believes that is only a southern thing, (I'm northern) boasts about her non existent Grammar school education- In her 50s ffs

I'm the least judgey person you'll ever meet, but things like this boil my pee & will have me looking for the cracks. What I saw was for all her perfectly matched, so called higher end bits & bobs that are always displayed like a show home. She actually a dirty cow & anything that isn't out in the open to see, is generally filthy. I took to pointedly pointing this out to her. Things like...

"Ooo, you need to get yourself a dishwasher, I'm surprised you don't already have one, that way you could clean you crockery etc properly"
"I noticed the back of your toilet is a bit grim, have you tried XYZ cleaning fluid" & so on & so forth.

I then dug out a 18" long thick black rubber dildo joke gift & borrowed a strap on from a friends shop, handcuffs etc etc & left them in my underwear drawer. & faked something paperwork that made us look like secret millionaires, etc etc

This friends DD was feeding our cat & I knew damned fine she'd use it as an excuse to get in & rake through private stuff as I'd heard her boasting & bitching of doing it elsewhere, so I gave her something juicy & she didn't disappoint. But I also shared the "joke" with other friends, so when she went to gossip, they laughed at her for falling for the prank & told her what I'd done. It was never mentioned again, but she never dared target me again either 😂

Moving forward she is no longer someone we associate with. Unfortunately our experience was that this lack of boundaries & privileged thinking, doesn't stop there. She ended up having an affair with her best friends husband as she felt her friend withholding sex as she was pissed off with him gave her an in. Nasty piece of work that no one bothers with anymore. Yes she might have insecurities due to childhood issues, but she's an adult & knows the difference between right & wrong & it is no excuse

@RockinHippy
I then dug out a 18" long thick black rubber dildo joke gift & borrowed a strap on from a friends shop, handcuffs etc etc & left them in my underwear drawer. & faked something paperwork that made us look like secret millionaires, etc etc

If she asks to use the bathroom, she can use your sons en-suite

Remind her that if she oversteps your boundaries she’ll have to leave.

Your floor/bedroom is off limits.

Can you offer to pick all the boys up as you're doing a surprise on the way home..

Pop to the shop for cakes or something.

And say you'll drop them off at x

If she turns up to collect have coat and shoes right by the front door so get kid to put them on as you're opening the door.

But tbh I'd cancel and say your not well with anxiety.

And next time she asks say he's welcome but you'd have to drop him at the door. Does that work for you?

Can you offer to pick all the boys up as you're doing a surprise on the way home

She has offered to collect the boys before and bring them to her house and the mother has declined.

Oh dammit

The current plan is that she and her son are coming over next Friday, the same day the other two boys are coming over. She declined the offer to come over tomorrow as she said her son would prefer to come when he can play with the other boys as well, which is fair enough.

They will all be coming to mine straight from school.

Did you say there was a en-suite to the bedroom on the same floor as the lounge?

Can you not let her use that loo rather than go up to the third floor?

Did you say there was a en-suite to the bedroom on the same floor as the lounge? Can you not let her use that loo rather than go up to the third floor?

I could do but the walls need re-painting so I don’t really want her going in there. That’s how nervous I am feeling. I’m dreading it. I really don’t want her here

Oh op, I feel awful for you. No-one should make you feel like this is your home. Can you not just cancel it? You'll feel a bit guilty for a little while, but the world will move on and it will be fine.

Alternatively, could you speak any of to the other mums? Let them know how you're feeling? Perhaps relocate to their house?

I thought the other boys were visiting tomorrow.
Repeat until Friday :
You don't need to let her in.

I thought the other boys were visiting tomorrow.

No, they were always coming on the Friday. I had asked the HVM if she and her son wanted to come tomorrow but she said she’d prefer to come on the Friday when the other boys will be there too.

You know that if you let her in, then short if standing in front of her and blocking her path, she will examine your house to her satisfaction. If this includes cupboards then so be it.

You don't need to let her in.

Why aren't the other boys coming tomorrow? You said yesterday that the invitation was for Sunday afternoon, and the nosy family were only coming because the other boys or their mums were already excited about it in front of nosy woman.