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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not invite this boy over for play dates because of his mother.

765 replies

QueenofmyPrinces · 15/01/2020 09:47

My son is five years old, in Year 1 at school and he has five good friends. All of us moms get on well too.

Our sons do various activities together (sports and other things), we all go on group trips our together and maybe once a month us moms go out together to socialise child-free.

Anyhow, one of the mothers is lovely but quite materialistic (and likes to show off about things) and about six months ago I was round her house with my son as we were preparing to take the boys swimming and she told me that she doesn’t let her son go to anyone’s house (for a play date) unless she has been inside the house herself and looked around it to make sure it’s suitable for her son to spend time there. She told me a tale about one house she’d been in and there were some stains on the carpet and that the bathroom hadn’t looked like it had been cleaned recently and so she wouldn’t let her son go there even though he was really good friends with the woman’s daughter.

I have never invited her son to my house for this reason. He is the only one out of my son’s friends that I haven’t had over to play.

Of the four other friends, this week I have two of the boys coming over after school and next week the other two boys are coming over.

The woman in question cornered me in the school playground this morning and said she felt very hurt that I was excluding her son from the play dates.

Rather than skirt around the issue I told her that if she was only going to allow her son to come and play depending on her judgment of the quality of my house, as opposed to how long she and I have known each other (18 months) and how well our boys get on, then it wasn’t something I wanted to be involved in. I was polite to her about it but I still wanted her to know how uncomfortable I felt about her judgements of others.

She looked furious and stormed off.

But I’m not BU am I ?

Ok, I feel bad that her son isn’t getting invited round when the rest of the boys are, but why should I allow her into my house purely so she can look around it and make an assessment as to whether it’s suitable enough for her son to be in?

That’s not normal behaviour is it?!

OP posts:
itsgettingweird · 18/01/2020 09:22

What's the chances of getting downstairs toilet fixed before tomorrow?

Then she really has no reason to go elsewhere.

Or just leave a bucket of water in there for flushing! She'll probabal6 never want to return after that - job done Grin

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 18/01/2020 09:26

You still have my support because I can see that she's fully emotionally manipulated you into this situation.

What you need to do is talk to the mothers of the other 2 boys and explain that you've backed yourself into this corner and you can't deal with it so you need to cancel and could they maybe help you out in terms of either backing out of the playdate or going to each other's house, because you're going to need to find a reason to not have them over.

Do this immediately - call them, explain. They have the same feelings as you do about the House Inspector mum, so they will hopefully help you out.

Your DH doesn't want her there. You don't want her there. She doesn't need to be there.

The other option you have is to change the parameters of the playdate - when she turns up, say that you've all decided to go out to the park/soft play/ whatever instead so off you all go.

And if all else fails claim a gas leak!

ContessaferJones · 18/01/2020 09:27

You might need a middle ground message here.

"Look, HFW. We're at a bit of an impasse here; you're uncomfortable letting your son visit any house you haven't checked for cleanliness, but I'm deeply uncomfortable with feeling like I have to open my home up for inspection. The only way we can really go ahead with Sunday's event from my perspective is if you promise to keep inspection to a minimum, as this is really stressing me out. I hope that makes sense - your son is very welcome here but this inspection criterion is unusual and really causing ructions here (DH doesn't like the idea either and is putting up with it because I've asked him to). Thanks and see you then, Queen".

TellMeWhoTheVilliansAre · 18/01/2020 09:29

*We played with OUR neighbours when we were younger.

Should have been "our", not "out"!

happycamper11 · 18/01/2020 09:30

@TellMeWhoTheVilliansAre but you need to recognise this is not necessarily typical - due to obvious person density more people live in villages, towns and cities than live very rurally. Play dates are the norm for many. Obviously if everyone is in the same situation as you then no problem but the point is - which I think OP is aware, but I still understand her reluctance, is that all the other boys are spending time at her house and this one boy is not. Not that, like in your case, no one is spending time there. However I also lived extremely rurally as a child as did many of my friends. We were 7 miles from our nearest town and had to walk a mile and a half down a country road to get a bus. We had no neighbours and were down a long bumpy track that many people didn't like to take their cars down but as I said often had friends round the odd evening and many weekends. It would have been quite lonely for me otherwise

Original poster
QueenofmyPrinces · 18/01/2020 09:33

Just chatting to my husband about it again now and he really thinks I should cancel. He asked if all this stress I was causing myself was worth it, and it really isn’t.

But how can I cancel now when her son thinks he’s coming round and is excited? Sad

Why the fuck did I give in to her.

As a PP said, she thinks she’s got her way now and is probably feeling very smug about it Sad

OP posts:
Original poster
QueenofmyPrinces · 18/01/2020 09:35

What you need to do is talk to the mothers of the other 2 boys and explain that you've backed yourself into this corner and you can't deal with it so you need to cancel and could they maybe help you out in terms of either backing out of the playdate or going to each other's house, because you're going to need to find a reason to not have them over

This sounds tempting!!!

OP posts:
happycamper11 · 18/01/2020 09:36

It's tough OP, I really feel for you.. and her son with a batshit mother! It's a shame this will probably affect your friendship too as it's going to affect how you view her whatever happens. I'd probably go ahead for the kids sake but agree it's not worth the stress really.

YourOpinionIsNoted · 18/01/2020 09:37

Nuclear option:

Create a group chat on WhatsApp if you don't have one already.

Send message to all mums,

"Unfortunately the stress of having to submit to a home inspection ahead of the arranged playdate has caused a migraine. I will have to cancel. Apologies for disappointing the boys."

Original poster
QueenofmyPrinces · 18/01/2020 09:37

I’m just going to call up the HVM. I’ve been straight with her from the start so I’m just going to talk to her about it again. I don’t really want to involve the other mothers so I’m just going to deal with it head on.

OP posts:
YourOpinionIsNoted · 18/01/2020 09:38

Very mature, OP. I'm a bit too childish, I'd want to stamp my feet a little! Grin

TellMeWhoTheVilliansAre · 18/01/2020 09:45

Obviously if everyone is in the same situation as you then no problem

But not everyone is in the same position I am. Some kids around here do in fact go on "playdates" the fact that kids can't just go out and play with their neighbours (because they migh not have neighbours of similar ages) means that most ways kids around here play with each other (outside of school) is by prearranged playdates.

My point is my kids don't usually have playdates (even though their friends might) but still manage to maintain friendships.

This little fella is being left out of playdates by his mother because of some strange obsession with inspecting the cleanliness of other people's homes. So, for him, he's not going on playdates BECAUSE OF HIS MOTHER. Not because OP is inviting others but not him. He's being left out by most people because of her. And it would seem even when he has been invited to a friend's house the mother has refused to let him go back for a return visit.

She's the problem. Not the other mothers. And appeasing her and placating her is just reinforcing her belief that she is right.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 18/01/2020 09:48

Good for you, Queen. I'm really so in awe of your ability to tackle it head on with her every time, that's a real skill! I hope you manage to cancel it with her anyway because you absolutely should not be put in this position of anxiety over her invasive nonsense.

juniperlily · 18/01/2020 09:50

Just be honest OP, you feel backed into a corner and it's not fair. Reiterate that her son is still welcome to come round but she will have to just trust that you would not have an unsafe home.

beanaseireann · 18/01/2020 09:50

Brilliant OP Thanks
You called it as it is.

Original poster
QueenofmyPrinces · 18/01/2020 09:51

I just called her landline and her husband said she’s out and will be back about 1pm.

Only another 3 hours then to stress over what I’m going to say and try and keep my resolve.

OP posts:
sonjadog · 18/01/2020 09:52

Yeah, don't involve the others. Just cancel and be done with it. Don't make her problem your problem.

happycamper11 · 18/01/2020 09:55

@TellMeWhoTheVilliansAre - yes it seems we are of the same opinion regarding the boy and the mother- I was just responding to your comment of 'when did play dates become a thing' which they are a thing for the majority of people with dc. At your own admission most of your DC's friends have them, they are a thing - just not for you!

YourOpinionIsNoted · 18/01/2020 09:56

Stay strong OP! Remember, she wants to invade your home. You've told her it makes you uncomfortable and she fully intends to do it anyway. That is unacceptable behaviour.

NicEv · 18/01/2020 10:07

Blimey - what a fuss about nothing! Don’t exclude the little boy , if you don’t like the mum just be normal and civil and don’t take her opinions to heart. Job done!

TellMeWhoTheVilliansAre · 18/01/2020 10:15

Don’t exclude the little boy , if you don’t like the mum just be normal and civil and don’t take her opinions to heart

She has never said she doesn't like the mum. In fact she has said, multiple times, she DOES like her, but she's very materialistic. Many of our friends aren't perfect. But we are still capable of liking them in spite of their "faults". (it would appear only on mumsnets are friends, sisters, in laws, husbands, neighbours, schoolgate mothers etc expected to be 100% perfect and flawless and anything less than total perfection means you should LTB or go LC or NC.

I like my friends. I have things in common with them. We also have differences. Things they do that I don't/wouldn't. Things I do/like that they don't etc.

But nobody gets to come into my house to inspect it and decide whether or not it is good enough for their child to visit.

NicEv · 18/01/2020 10:18

Who cares if she inspects your home? Who cares ?? Jesus - if this is the biggest thing you have to worry about then you are really lucky.

Just let the kids have a friendship that isn’t impacted on by the adults around them - don’t exclude the kid from play dates , that is mean and upsetting for the little boy. And ignore the mum - just have broad shoulders and a thicker skin!

ralfeesmum · 18/01/2020 10:25

I once heard someone say:

"A home should be clean enough to be healthy in and dirty enough to be happy in."

Voila!

Neolara · 18/01/2020 10:28

Excellent idea to talk to the woman OP. Well done. Explain how you're feeling. Listen to what she says. She may be dreading it too. Good luck.

Dontdisturbmenow · 18/01/2020 10:32

He’s not the one whose going to be facing people who she bitches to though is he
Why oh why are you assuming she is goingbitching bitching about your house, that's the part I don't understand. Besides the one she talked about who had stains and a nasty bathroom, has she ever made nasty comments about people/house to you before?

If she does, why would you or your friends want to be friends with her at all? You said in your first post and subsequent ones that she was a nice person.

Having a nice house, being proud of it and wanting to show it doesn't mean you are going to make fun of people whose house is not as nice. She does sound like she has otc, but that doesn't make her a nasty gossipy person.

It’s all just so complicated
It really isn't at all. You've invited a mum over whilst the kids play. You've said you won't show her the whole house and still she accepted. That's nothing complicated.

I really can't understand making such a fuss over something mums do everyday unless your house is really a tip, you know it, are embarrassed by it and therefore don't want people in.