To not invite this boy over for play dates because of his mother.

[QueenofmyPrinces]

My son is five years old, in Year 1 at school and he has five good friends. All of us moms get on well too.

Our sons do various activities together (sports and other things), we all go on group trips our together and maybe once a month us moms go out together to socialise child-free.

Anyhow, one of the mothers is lovely but quite materialistic (and likes to show off about things) and about six months ago I was round her house with my son as we were preparing to take the boys swimming and she told me that she doesn’t let her son go to anyone’s house (for a play date) unless she has been inside the house herself and looked around it to make sure it’s suitable for her son to spend time there. She told me a tale about one house she’d been in and there were some stains on the carpet and that the bathroom hadn’t looked like it had been cleaned recently and so she wouldn’t let her son go there even though he was really good friends with the woman’s daughter.

I have never invited her son to my house for this reason. He is the only one out of my son’s friends that I haven’t had over to play.

Of the four other friends, this week I have two of the boys coming over after school and next week the other two boys are coming over.

The woman in question cornered me in the school playground this morning and said she felt very hurt that I was excluding her son from the play dates.

Rather than skirt around the issue I told her that if she was only going to allow her son to come and play depending on her judgment of the quality of my house, as opposed to how long she and I have known each other (18 months) and how well our boys get on, then it wasn’t something I wanted to be involved in. I was polite to her about it but I still wanted her to know how uncomfortable I felt about her judgements of others.

She looked furious and stormed off.

But I’m not BU am I ?

Ok, I feel bad that her son isn’t getting invited round when the rest of the boys are, but why should I allow her into my house purely so she can look around it and make an assessment as to whether it’s suitable enough for her son to be in?

That’s not normal behaviour is it?!

I'm so sorry , OP. You shouldn't be made to feel like this about your own home.

The play date doesn't have to be in your house!! What's the weather like? Can you change it to a trip to the playground and an ice cream afterwards? The boys still get their playdate and you don't have to feel uncomfortable with her judging your house?

The play date doesn't have to be in your house!! What's the weather like? Can you change it to a trip to the playground and an ice cream afterwards? The boys still get their playdate and you don't have to feel uncomfortable with her judging your house?

They see each other all the time outside of school but let’s be honest, kids love going to their friends houses and playing with all their toys, which is why I have my son’s other friends over and why he goes to their houses.

If I cancel on her with a fake reason then I’m going to have to cancel on the other boys too (the plan now is they HVM and son are coming over when the other boys are coming too) and I really don’t want to do that.

She has emotionally manipulated you. Now it's time to turn the tables.

Send her a message telling her that you are feeling extremely anxious about her inspection of the house, that it is making you feel very uncomfortable and upset. You are sorry for disappointing the boys, but you're going to have to cancel the playdate. Explain that you are sure she'll understand that you don't want to made to feel uncomfortable and upset in your own home. You are sure the boys will have a great time playing at the next activity. Maybe add in something about anxiety & mental health.

Let's see her push back on that one.

Do you know anything about her own childhood? The importance she places on cleanliness and nice things might come from a childhood where home was anything but clean and nice things were not around - maybe she felt unsafe and vowed never to put her own child in that position.

Perhaps psychobabble? Not sure it makes a difference either way to the current situation but it sounds as if you already have compassion for her and it might be something that contributes to her need for control now.

How is your house set out? I know townhouses sometimes have their kitchen / living room on different floors

Send her a message telling her that you are feeling extremely anxious about her inspection of the house, that it is making you feel very uncomfortable and upset.

I agree with this bit, but wouldn't want to go as far as cancelling. Maybe preface it with the fact that you're looking forward to getting the kids over to play, but for her to please be aware that... . Sign off with 'Just to reiterate, I won't be doing a full tour, so please don't ask. Thanks and see you on Sunday, Queen'.

She MUST realise she's being fucking weird after that, surely.

I don’t know much about her childhood no. She talks about her parents and siblings quite a lot and speaks fondly of them but that’s about the depth of what I know.

I think beneath her desire to show off about her lifestyle must be a self esteem issue, which is why I put up with it. There have been instances where her showing off has really upset other people because she’s made them feel inferior, but I genuinely don’t think she is aware of how what she does/says makes other people feel. It’s almost like she has some need to prove she is better than others and that she lives a better life than anyone else. Her son can do no wrong either, he’s far more advanced/capable than our children are (in her eyes) and is constantly telling us how wonderful he is because he can do x, y and z. I could give so many examples of how she has belittled me but again I don’t think she does it on purpose.

It’s all very draining.

How is your house set out? I know townhouses sometimes have their kitchen / living room on different floors

Ground floor is the kitchen, dining room and downstairs toilet.

Middle floor is the living room and my 5 year olds bedroom (with en-suite).

Top floor is my bedroom, the 2 year olds bedroom and the family bathroom.

Or even something like "I'd appreciate it if you just didn't comment on the house at all, in fact. I'm tying myself in knots about this visit because the need for an inspection has been made so clear; I don't usually feel this stressed about playdates!"

I used to be friends with a person like this. Everything they said was about how much they had and how little other people had. I didn’t give a crap tbh cos I wouldn’t have wanted to be her for all the tea in China. Imagine the pressure she and your friend must feel all the time.

She did come to my home and she did slag it off, again didn’t care. She didn’t have what I wanted and I couldn’t care less what she thought.

Anyway, could you sit in the kitchen with a tea, once that’s drunk tell your husband the boys are ready to go, tell her you’ve got things to do and wave her off? I really feel for you it’s not nice but just think how important is her opinion of you? The worst thing that can happen is her son isn’t allowed to come round and you’re in the same position you was before x

Agree with your husband- stuff her opinions!

By the way, my kids don't have many "play dates" (when did that become a thing?)

My friends and I were constantly at each other's houses in the 80's and early 90's. Then they were just called a play rather than a play date though- it's just another Americanism that's snuck in over the last few years.

it's just another Americanism that's snuck in over the last few years.
Like adults going on 'dates' we never called it that.

I've been reading and lurking on this thread but agree with those that say, invite her for a coffee but, in no way, give her a tour of inspection.

My husband is not happy at all. Says he’s going to stay late at work so he doesn’t have to come home to find her in the house.

Sorry you've lost my support after you've given in to her. She said her son feels left out, so what did you do? You caved and invited her around. That means, that she now feels justified, and that you were in the wrong and not her. Meaning, she won't learn from this. I would absolutely cancel, I cannot believe you caved to her emotional manipulations so easily.

^Completely agree. What’s the point in this thread now?

What’s the point in this thread now?

Continuing to support the OP?

OP, is your DH unhappy because he dislikes her personally or because she's causing you this much stress?

Your husband originally agreed to take them out though? He’s not being very kind. You’re only trying to do the right thing here. You were right when you said you can’t win. Can’t he stay upstairs while you have a tea and in 30/40 minutes or whatever come down and say to you and friend ‘right, going out with the boys now!’ Then you can say to friend oh yes I’d better her on too bye!

Thank you Contessafer.

He doesn’t like her because of how materialistic and snobby he perceives her to be.

He doesn’t spend time with her like I do though so he doesn’t see the nice qualities she does have.

I know I’m going to have to get out of it but I genuinely don’t want to upset her.

Your husband originally agreed to take them out though?

What do you mean?

I can't believe the number of posters saying yabu for not offering someone who openly admits they judge houses on cleanliness and pass that judgement on to others - come round and have a tour of the house!

You've been open and honest. So has she. That's great. But her way of doing things leaves you open to criticism and you are entitled not to put yourself in that position.

Im sure I read somewhere that your husband was taking the boys out?! Have I imagined it?!

Im sure I read somewhere that your husband was taking the boys out?! Have I imagined it?!

I think so

I don’t want to leave her son out but not do I want her in my house
Her son is NOT your responsibility, that simple
Not your fault his mother a nutcase and makes herself unwelcome.

I didn’t read this properly! Took it as it means your husband can take the boys out and you’d be sitting with her for a bit 🙄. Missed the bit about cleaning 🤦🏻‍♀️.

It was an offer for Sunday afternoon - It means I can send the children out with my husband in the morning and give my kitchen a deep clean

Good luck, don’t feel bad. You’re trying to please everyone and have good intentions.

@happycamper11 but my kids don't even go to others' houses to play all that much. We live rurally. They don't live within walking distance to any of their friends. I work. In the evenings they have various activities (between 4 of them there's something every day). But they still have friends. They still maintain friendships.

It's just people are having a go at the OP for somehow depriving the other child of friendship because he hasn't been to her house to play. Friendships don't only depend on "playdates". Is my point.

We played with out neighbours when we were younger. Sometimes I cycled to a friend's house. Some classmates I never saw outside of school but was still very good friends with them.

I just think these days (some) parents have a very strange idea of what their children's friendships are supposed to be.