To not invite this boy over for play dates because of his mother.

[QueenofmyPrinces]

My son is five years old, in Year 1 at school and he has five good friends. All of us moms get on well too.

Our sons do various activities together (sports and other things), we all go on group trips our together and maybe once a month us moms go out together to socialise child-free.

Anyhow, one of the mothers is lovely but quite materialistic (and likes to show off about things) and about six months ago I was round her house with my son as we were preparing to take the boys swimming and she told me that she doesn’t let her son go to anyone’s house (for a play date) unless she has been inside the house herself and looked around it to make sure it’s suitable for her son to spend time there. She told me a tale about one house she’d been in and there were some stains on the carpet and that the bathroom hadn’t looked like it had been cleaned recently and so she wouldn’t let her son go there even though he was really good friends with the woman’s daughter.

I have never invited her son to my house for this reason. He is the only one out of my son’s friends that I haven’t had over to play.

Of the four other friends, this week I have two of the boys coming over after school and next week the other two boys are coming over.

The woman in question cornered me in the school playground this morning and said she felt very hurt that I was excluding her son from the play dates.

Rather than skirt around the issue I told her that if she was only going to allow her son to come and play depending on her judgment of the quality of my house, as opposed to how long she and I have known each other (18 months) and how well our boys get on, then it wasn’t something I wanted to be involved in. I was polite to her about it but I still wanted her to know how uncomfortable I felt about her judgements of others.

She looked furious and stormed off.

But I’m not BU am I ?

Ok, I feel bad that her son isn’t getting invited round when the rest of the boys are, but why should I allow her into my house purely so she can look around it and make an assessment as to whether it’s suitable enough for her son to be in?

That’s not normal behaviour is it?!

What is going to happen about the other three mums whose houses she hasn't yet been invited into for a kid glove test?

I mean, are they now expected to do the same as you?

Me, I would arrange for the whole lot to be there when she arrives, and say breezily, "We thought you might like to tour all our houses in one go and award us marks out of ten" before handing her a clipboard with points on it like "television" and "staircarpets" for her to put ticks against, one sheet of paper for each house.

But then I am old and evil and cannot away with this sort of treatment of her own child. I knew a preschool child when I was seven who was put into a white dress each morning and sat in front of the telly; she was a whizz at the form for racing (well, that was all that was on most afternoons), but the poor child might have got dirty if she left the house, even as far as the garden, so it was forbidden. How her mother managed to allow her to go to school I do not know. As far as I know my mother never felt guilty about the woman never letting her child come next door to play, though.

I wonder if we know the same person she sounds exactly the same as an acquaintance of mine except I know her and her son through a club as he a friend of my daughter.. I have never let her come over and use my dog as the excuse for my ‘unworthy home’ (it’s actually spotless but I can’t be bothered with the polite small chat comparing houses)
I think you’ve handled it well, she sounds like a snob either way. If she didn’t mean it how it came across she could have reassured you, but instead she let you think she was looking down on you all and waited for you to grovel ie. invite her round.
Agree with posters who say leave fake poo and bondage stuff around, an IT style fun house would give her plenty to gossip about if not it’ll make it light hearted so you can get over the awkwardness! Good luck

Maybe you should have spoken to her before inviting the children and say I am going to invite the children around for a play date, will you let ? Come to my house now I've known you for 18 months and see what she said then. X

You don’t have to let her see the whole house, don’t offer to show her around and if she asks say no. She’s not worried about upsetting you so don’t worry about upsetting her.

Phew, this is tricky. I don’t think I said what I meant in my post earlier (apologies, I’m new to this) and the more I read, the tougher it seems for you. I think you’re being very patient. What you don’t know is whether this mum has issues of some kind. Do you think you could go for a coffee with her after drop off and a nice, gentle, relaxed chat, not to grill her or find anything out, just to ease the atmosphere, or would that not work yet as she’s too stiff with you? It is very weird. Her frankness in telling you that she would want to vet your house must mean that she doesn’t think it’s weird. And it may be that her son will pick up on her weirdness and also be weird! The main reason why this matters is your son, which is what I was trying to say before - I guess if it was only you, you would have stopped talking to this woman ages ago. Except that you like her, so she isn’t all bad?
I guess I would still return to the idea of having her in for coffee if you like her, and see what happens. If she asks to see round the house and you don’t like the idea, could you just say no because you don’t like the idea of being inspected, and laugh? Maybe once she was in the house that would be enough for her. I’m not sure how I would handle this! Good luck!

OP, I do wonder how the other mothers are going to feel after your capitulation....they may stick to their guns...I just can't imagine how a relationship progresses and becomes sustainable....I fear it will flounder under her expectations and your understandable annoyance.

It's lovely when our children connect Beith others.....this however just seems like such hard work

Oh no, you shouldn't have done that.
There have been threads on here where nosey neighbours/friends have come over for coffee, asked to use the loo and been gone 20 minutes or more while they nose into every other room in the house.

If your downstairs loo was working then you might have got away with it, but since it isn't, and it would look REALLY fucking weird if you followed her to the loo, you just can't.

Either stop her from coming - d&v would work nicely - or accept that you've given in to her fucking emotional blackmail and that she will now check out every room in your house, which you didn't want.

I'm so sad that you've felt pressured into giving into this - it really IS emotional blackmail, you absolutely were NOT in the wrong here but she's made you feel bad for it.

Please find a way to cancel.

I went to bed worrying about it and I’ve woken up worrying about it.

If I cancel it means I’ve got to disappoint the other two boys

I’m so angry at myself for letting her get to me

I think you could give her a chance, particularly now you’ve told her how you feel. I admire your honest response to her.

Sorry you've lost my support after you've given in to her. She said her son feels left out, so what did you do? You caved and invited her around. That means, that she now feels justified, and that you were in the wrong and not her. Meaning, she won't learn from this. I would absolutely cancel, I cannot believe you caved to her emotional manipulations so easily. I should have known though.

Just wait until her pfb is 14 and escaping to pal’s houses to smoke weed!

She has to learn to let go of those apron strings.

QueenofmyPrinces said in her original post "I have never invited her son over for this reason. He is the only one of my son's friends that I haven't had over to play".

I based my original comment on this line.

Basically I told her that I have no problem with her son coming over and if she wants to come too for a cup of tea and stay whilst her son is here then she can - but I also made it clear that’s all I was offering

So after 20 pages going on about how she is totally unreasonable, how you don't want to inspect your house and bitch about it, how you don't feel one bit responsible for her son being left behind, just about everyone telling you that you are right to stand to your principles, you decide to do what a couple of posters told you to do in the first pages! Why?

I really don't believe things are happening as you claim. I suspect you talk to the others in the group and they disagreed with your position and it is what made you reconsider.

I totally agree that this position is reasonable and that if she doesn't accept your offer, she is the one missing out. Just such a pity you couldn't have done this from the start.

Just read your last post. I really think you have an issue with low self-esteem. Relax!

She is not there to compare your house to hers. She knows already that your house is not as posh as hers and I doubt she cares about that. She just needs reassurance that it's not filthy. If it is, clean it up, if it isn't, then stop worrying.

She hasn't judge you or your house yet, so no point in making assumptions that she will. If she does, refuse that her son comes, talk about your house etc..., then she will be the one no-one will want to affiliate with, not you.

Well done!

So after 20 pages going on about how she is totally unreasonable, how you don't want to inspect your house and bitch about it, how you don't feel one bit responsible for her son being left behind, just about everyone telling you that you are right to stand to your principles, you decide to do what a couple of posters told you to do in the first pages! Why?

I have no idea. Maybe I felt like I should compromise? I don’t know? I regret it though. I guess I thought that as I said she could come in for a drink but not look around I hadn’t actually given in to her?

I guess I was trying to find the middle ground between understanding that some people don’t like leaving their 5 year old somewhere without at least being inside the house, and her wanting a whole tour of the house.

My husband has told me to stuff her, let her take her as she finds us and if our house isn’t good enough for her then that’s her problem.

He’s not the one whose going to be facing people who she bitches to though is he.

I feel like I can’t win.

When we were at the playground yesterday, before the children came out, the two moms of the boys who are coming over next week were going on and on, in front of the house viewing mother (HVM) and on about how excited their sons are, how they can’t wait to come and play etc, and the HVM genuinely looked upset. I was trying not to look at her but I wanted the ground to swallow me up.

She caught me at a guilt ridden, vulnerable moment and I honestly didn’t know what to do for the best when she started guilt tripping me further.

As I was telling her that she and her son could come over, inside I was screaming “what the fuck are you doing?!” inside my head.

I’m such an idiot for letting her get to me

Cancel - tell her you caught salmonella from your kitchen bench tops.

Honestly though it's not worth it - if your house is not up to scratch she will be bitching about you to all and sundry. She sounds absolutely dreadful!

Oh no OP, I've lurked through the whole thread, don't give in now! She's emotionally blackmailing you - her sons feelings are her responsibility, not yours. She wants him to play at your house? The she follows your rules.

If you must let her in, don't let her past the kitchen. Stand in the doorway! Then when you've finished your cuppa declare merrily "well I'm sure you've got things to do and I need to do x, y, z while the kids are happy playing, what time shall I drop him back to you?" Then usher to the door!

Better if you just didn't let her in at all through.

It’s all just so complicated.

I don’t want to leave her son out but not do I want her in my house.

If I cancel on her I fear it’s just going to lead to a whole load of crap, and affect our children’s friendship and also impact on the group dynamics.

But I really don’t want her in my house

I’m such an idiot for giving in to her. I feel like I’ve been totally manipulated

I would cancel by saying that you don’t feel your house will live up to her expectations and that you don’t have time to clean to her standards. You don’t want to ruin your sons friendships so maybe it’s best if they see each other at school and activities. Let her know how uncomfortable and stressed you feel about it.

She will definitely make an excuse to visit your toilet and unless you accompany her upstairs she drill definitely peek into every room.

Have you locks on the doors? She simply will not be able to let this go. She gave you the full tour, and expects the same.

Downstairs in my house is "visitable. (Usually!). If someone pops by unannounced they can be brought through to the kitchen for a cup of tea.

Upstairs is completely off limits. 3 teenagers, multiple clothes changes, boys who haven't figured out how to put underwear and socks they take off into a laundry basket, lego everywhere.

Just no. I would go into a panic if someone put a foot on the bottom step of my stairs!!

I understand why you caved, OP. I'm impressed you didn't cave earlier. But lock the rooms you don't want her to see. And other than a general clean and tidy don't go to much effort.

If he's not allowed back after "the inspection" you'll know where your house stands 😉

By the way, my kids don't have many "play dates" (when did that become a thing?)

But they have friends. Plenty of them. Thru see friends in school. They meet them at activities. They get invited to parties. A child doesn't have to have playdates with another child in order for a friendship to be maintained.

She has reason to be on every level of the house so although I can shut the doors on the nursery and the main bedroom, everywhere else will be visible.

I am looking around now at all the things I think she could potentially criticise and I’m feeling so stressed over it.

Deep breath.

You've done really well to be honest with her and maybe for the first time she has been confronted about her own rudeness.

I actually think you are doing a good thing, inviting her for a brew. Don't see it as a chance for her to inspect your house, you are giving her a second chance to be a friend. If she messes up by being rude or judgemental she will be the one losing out, and her son too.

You've taken a higher road, so be kind, warm and gracious. And think of something nice to do afterwards to unwind.