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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not invite this boy over for play dates because of his mother.

765 replies

QueenofmyPrinces · 15/01/2020 09:47

My son is five years old, in Year 1 at school and he has five good friends. All of us moms get on well too.

Our sons do various activities together (sports and other things), we all go on group trips our together and maybe once a month us moms go out together to socialise child-free.

Anyhow, one of the mothers is lovely but quite materialistic (and likes to show off about things) and about six months ago I was round her house with my son as we were preparing to take the boys swimming and she told me that she doesn’t let her son go to anyone’s house (for a play date) unless she has been inside the house herself and looked around it to make sure it’s suitable for her son to spend time there. She told me a tale about one house she’d been in and there were some stains on the carpet and that the bathroom hadn’t looked like it had been cleaned recently and so she wouldn’t let her son go there even though he was really good friends with the woman’s daughter.

I have never invited her son to my house for this reason. He is the only one out of my son’s friends that I haven’t had over to play.

Of the four other friends, this week I have two of the boys coming over after school and next week the other two boys are coming over.

The woman in question cornered me in the school playground this morning and said she felt very hurt that I was excluding her son from the play dates.

Rather than skirt around the issue I told her that if she was only going to allow her son to come and play depending on her judgment of the quality of my house, as opposed to how long she and I have known each other (18 months) and how well our boys get on, then it wasn’t something I wanted to be involved in. I was polite to her about it but I still wanted her to know how uncomfortable I felt about her judgements of others.

She looked furious and stormed off.

But I’m not BU am I ?

Ok, I feel bad that her son isn’t getting invited round when the rest of the boys are, but why should I allow her into my house purely so she can look around it and make an assessment as to whether it’s suitable enough for her son to be in?

That’s not normal behaviour is it?!

OP posts:
Original poster
QueenofmyPrinces · 17/01/2020 16:09

I’m already feeling very anxious at even the though of her coming in.

OP posts:
AriadnesFilament · 17/01/2020 16:15

I’m with you OP. There’s a huge difference between “I let Bob play at Bill’s house last week and you wouldn’t believe the state of it when I checked it over - stains on the carpet and the bathroom floor was grubby!” and “I know it might seem a bit much, but I I just get a bit twitchy about him going to play at houses if I haven’t gone with him the first time. Totally my issue, but I just get a bit anxious.” The former is judgemental about other people’s standards and choices. The latter is about her own choices with a recognition that they’re not necessarily fully reasonable and she wouldn’t make anyone feel like shite because of her issues.

My houses could be the epitome of pristine (it isn’t; I don’t care); I still wouldn’t let her in to do her inspection because my days of letting other people pass judgement on my life are long past.

There’s a big difference between a parent coming in for a cuppa on the first visit (which I absolutely did at that sort of age) and a full on guided tour to check the state of your home, which I wouldn’t have let a bloody HV do.

AriadnesFilament · 17/01/2020 16:16

Oh, and if her son is being left out that is because of her behaviour, nobody else’s

BumbleBeee69 · 17/01/2020 16:50

OP you're a LEGEND.. Flowers

CousinKrispy · 17/01/2020 16:58

OP--maybe it's time to keep in mind that old adage about "no one can make you feel inferior without your permission."

Remember that she can't make you feel anything. You can decide what your reaction to her antics will be--how much you dwell on it, whether you talk about it to others, etc.

You've invited her over--good for you, you are being the bigger person. She can check out the living room, toilet, whatever areas you are hanging out in.

If she asks for a tour, surely all you have to do is say casually but firmly, "Oh, I don't do house tours, just not my thing" and keep your bedroom doors closed? If she insists, just say "Oh, the kids will only be playing in the areas you've seen"?

I suspect the real issue is her gossiping. After all, if she thought so and so's house was unfit because of carpet stains, but had kept that to herself instead of telling you, you wouldn't worry about her gossiping about the "state" of your house (which is probably similar to mine). I don't blame you for being uncomfortable about that, but again I refer you to the "no one can make you feel inferior without your permission" thing ... try to rise above it and remember that it doesn't really matter if she tells someone else "And there were children's toys ALL OVER the living room floor!" Chances are the hearer will roll their eyes internally and think that your house was probably fine.

And in the meantime her kid will finally be allowed to come over and play with yours, and maybe his mum will start to relax about it all.

Good luck!

PuppyMonkey · 17/01/2020 16:59

Well done OP. I would be tempted to stage a horrendously messy kitchen with comedy props and silly signs everywhere saying “toxic - do not touch.” Grin

Footiefan2019 · 17/01/2020 17:00

Put a fake poo on the kitchen floor I BEG YOU

OnTheEdgeOfTheNight · 17/01/2020 17:04

Surely if her son was upset, this was her time to reflect on her self-imposed rules about examining your house? Do you not feel that you've capitulated here, since she's getting her way rather than you maintaining your own rules?
,

Haffdonga · 17/01/2020 17:15

Make sure you clean the bathroom. She's sure to need a wee. Wink

She is going to struggle over the next few years as her ds starts being invited to sleepovers and then in secondary, god forbid, even to houses of parents she hasn't met.

I hope your boys have a nice time.

FourDecades · 17/01/2020 18:20

Also be prepared for her to get "lost" on the way to the toilet and somehow end up on a different floor entirely.

Does your house have a downstairs toilet?

Original poster
QueenofmyPrinces · 17/01/2020 18:35

Does your house have a downstairs toilet?

Yes, but it doesn’t work, haha. I’m guessing that will go down as a negative....

I live in a three storey town house so lots of levels for her to have a peek at....

I am really regretting giving in to her now. All I want to do is get out of it Sad

OP posts:
RightEarlobeBreath · 17/01/2020 18:38

If it’s making you uncomfortable but you want to keep the peace, can you say something has come on Sunday now and say you’ll rearrange and just... never do?

Don’t have her round if she’s making you feel stressed.

billy1966 · 17/01/2020 18:47

OP....#stunned

Are you actually going to her allow her to insist on a tour of your home.

Unbelievable.

Allow her in for a coffee, but dear lord do not acquiesce to the full house tour.

If you do allow her to have the house tour I bet it will niggle and piss you off endlessly.

Downstairs if you must but upstairs. No.

You are not unreasonable OP💐

sonjadog · 17/01/2020 18:52

So, what are you doing to do if she decides your house is too dirty?

Original poster
QueenofmyPrinces · 17/01/2020 19:11

So, what are you doing to do if she decides your house is too dirty?

I have no idea. I think her coming round may potentially ruin her sons and my son’s friendship because if she doesn’t think my house is up to scratch then I don’t see how we can ever recover from that?

OP posts:
sonjadog · 17/01/2020 19:14

Yeah, I would think so too.

Original poster
QueenofmyPrinces · 17/01/2020 19:16

That might be a good enough reason to cancel.

I would rather our sons be friends but not play-date-mates, than have their friendship ruined.

OP posts:
Twillow · 17/01/2020 19:20

Good for you. Hope she's reflected on it.

Whynosnowyet · 17/01/2020 19:22

Sellotape at the top of all your upstairs doors.
If she uses the loo later on you can check if she snooped....

MarthasGinYard · 17/01/2020 19:25

Op

Are you not even slightly tempted to have a load of bondage gear hanging in the spare room and borrow about 25 dogs from the neighbours 🤔

Ohyesiam · 17/01/2020 19:25

Well she can’t have it both ways can she.

RockinHippy · 17/01/2020 19:45

I would have let her come and have a look (doesnt everyone do that?)

Hell no, it's a play date not a free child minding service, that would be very cheeky in my book

OP you handled it brilliantly. YADNBU

Can I suggest that as you're clearly capable of being straight up & to the point, that you follow up by telling her that you do feel bad for her DS & don't want to exclude him & that you want to be able to invite him along, as you're sure the others do too, but as you've already had to explain, she isn't welcome herself as you don't feel comfortable letting her into your home to be judged & potentially gossiped about - that throws the responsibly for her son feeling left out, firmly back to her

RockinHippy · 17/01/2020 19:53

Does your house have a downstairs toilet?

Yes, but it doesn’t work, haha. I’m guessing that will go down as a negative....

Oh please send her in there & give her a bucket or pan to fill up with water to flush after herself, tell her that you keep the good bathroom for yourselves, as you don't want other people's germs in the bathroom that your family uses 😆

myrtleWilson · 17/01/2020 19:59

Please OP can you lock all the doors in the house apart from the kitchen (even if requires a trip to B&Q first). Shove the boys in the garden to play and see how the other mom tries to invent reasons to leave the kitchen to inspect...

Original poster
QueenofmyPrinces · 17/01/2020 20:31

I don’t think she’d be impressed by my garden either, it’s about a fifth of the size of hers.

The kitchen does open up into the garden though so it’s a possibility Grin

OP posts: