To not invite this boy over for play dates because of his mother.

[QueenofmyPrinces]

My son is five years old, in Year 1 at school and he has five good friends. All of us moms get on well too.

Our sons do various activities together (sports and other things), we all go on group trips our together and maybe once a month us moms go out together to socialise child-free.

Anyhow, one of the mothers is lovely but quite materialistic (and likes to show off about things) and about six months ago I was round her house with my son as we were preparing to take the boys swimming and she told me that she doesn’t let her son go to anyone’s house (for a play date) unless she has been inside the house herself and looked around it to make sure it’s suitable for her son to spend time there. She told me a tale about one house she’d been in and there were some stains on the carpet and that the bathroom hadn’t looked like it had been cleaned recently and so she wouldn’t let her son go there even though he was really good friends with the woman’s daughter.

I have never invited her son to my house for this reason. He is the only one out of my son’s friends that I haven’t had over to play.

Of the four other friends, this week I have two of the boys coming over after school and next week the other two boys are coming over.

The woman in question cornered me in the school playground this morning and said she felt very hurt that I was excluding her son from the play dates.

Rather than skirt around the issue I told her that if she was only going to allow her son to come and play depending on her judgment of the quality of my house, as opposed to how long she and I have known each other (18 months) and how well our boys get on, then it wasn’t something I wanted to be involved in. I was polite to her about it but I still wanted her to know how uncomfortable I felt about her judgements of others.

She looked furious and stormed off.

But I’m not BU am I ?

Ok, I feel bad that her son isn’t getting invited round when the rest of the boys are, but why should I allow her into my house purely so she can look around it and make an assessment as to whether it’s suitable enough for her son to be in?

That’s not normal behaviour is it?!

Queen have you asked her what she’s worried about? Is it food hygiene for example?

As in my example above, I’m not comfortable with my kids eating in truly filthy kitchens (i.e. animals walking all over work surfaces etc.) You’d never tell looking at my friend, and knowing her general lifestyle that her house would be so totally unhygienic.

Not the same at all. She's looking for reassurance that OP standard of cleanliness is acceptable to her. It's not inspecting.

You haven't read the thread, have you. It is more than obvious that she is inspecting. Her 'standard of cleanliness' is showroom house with zero stains. Just read the thread. The OP has now proven that it is all about inspecting. It has nothing at all to do with safety or cleanliness. That is now abundantly clear after the last few posts from the OP.

Oh really that's what she said? That unless she can go in every single room, her child can't come? I very much doubt it.

Oh my goodness did you actually missed the part where she gave the OP a full entire tour of her house including master bedroom? And, she mentioned the full tour when talking, meaning she expected the same in return?

At this point I have to presume that some people are determined to find fault with the OP just for being plain normal, because they are ignoring the abundance of evidence that the mother expects a full tour of the house.

...have you asked her what she’s worried about? Is it food hygiene for example?

I asked her yesterday what it was she was expecting to find in my house that would make it unsuitable for her son and she just said that it’s not about “looking for things” but is to ensure she isn’t leaving her son anywhere that may be dirty.

You are not being unreasonable. She wouldn't like my house. It's lived in. It's hygienic but my kids can make it look like a tornado went through it. Got a toddler running about all day so I don't get as much opportunity as I'd like to clean woodwork down etc. She shouldn't be such a snooty drawers about things. Don't get me wrong if someone was a filthy scruffy hoarder id not want my kids there. If they just have a messy house in places or abit of dust I'd be happy. I'd think thank god its not just me. X

OP, you have been extremely reasonable.
Particularly loaning her your car.

My house is in show house condition, I am an extremely organised person. Always.

There is absolutely no way I would allow someone who had bitched about the house of another child enter my house for an inspection.
Not in 5 lifetimes would I accept that.

The core issue for the OP I suspect, as it would be for me, is the bitching about another home.
That's the icing on the cake of her "inspection request".

Well done OP.

The core issue for the OP I suspect, as it would be for me, is the bitching about another home. That's the icing on the cake of her "inspection request".

That’s pretty much it.

It’s just hard because she works less hours than me, two of her three working days are spent working from home, and she doesn’t have a toddler to chase round after either.

Her house is immaculate, it’s lovely, but she has two days home alone each week to maintain that, whereas I just about get the chance to wash up and wipe the kitchen down each day. My toddler used to nap after lunch for two hours which used to be my chance to do the housework, but he’s dropped that nap now and so my day consists of chasing around after him and doing the bare basics to make sure the house is clean and clothes are washed.

There are aspects of my house that I know she wouldn’t approve of, and although I don’t care if my house meets her standards, I do care that she’d no doubt go and talk down about my house to other people.

@lisclick Once again, why should the OP be the one that makes allowances on the boundaries of her life and house? How dare anyone ask that? The mother is the psychotic fruitbat that gives a tour of every room, including her own master bedroom, and it is very clear she expects the same. She is the one who won't let her own son play with other children unless she has a full tour of the OP's house.

The mother is the one with the problem, not the OP. Why are you suggesting the OP succumb to pressure from the mother? What about the Op's right to boundaries in her own home?

Thank you for @zeeboo and others who mentioned me first. I have to admit I was thinking I was nuts after awhile. I'm glad I'm not crazy after all nor is the OP.

OP, it is patently obvious from your posts that you are completely reasonable.

Playdates can be a bit of a PITA, but us parents do them because we know children love them and they help friendships to flourish.

But to be made feel that your whole house and standards of cleanliness throughout your home has to be assessed first is absolute bullshit.

My children didn't go to anyone's house at school before the second year as I wanted to see how things would play out.

I knew enough from my son about the lovely boys he had befriended when the invites came and I started to issue them. When parents would come to collect, I would invite them in to get them. This is the way it is done. Naturally.

Asking for an inspection would have had you labelled as Batshit in my childrens schools.

I wouldn't care who the child was, or how nice they were, I wouldn't entertain the request or be bothered in getting involved in that circus.

Well done OP💐👍

I don’t think anyone is crazy, neither the OP, nor the other mum.

It’s fine for the OP not to want to feel she has to let someone inspect her house, especially if that person might criticise her to others.

But it is actually ok for people to set their own boundaries about whether or not to let their five year olds go and play in someone else’s house for several hours, if they’ve never seen the environment. The mum isn’t batshit or crazy or whatever else on that front.

She does sound indiscreet and judgemental though, and totally unsubtle. I’d say “mini FourStars can be a bit nervous, so he wants me to stay the first time. Is that ok?”. I’d never say “I want to check your house isn’t filthy, you don’t have a dangerous dog, and there are no potential dangers in your house or garden”, but I’d still be checking the environment is safe and hygienic enough for my child to stay without me. Most of my friends are exactly the same, and I usually offer the other mum to come in on the first playdate so there’s no awkwardness.

Yes, this mother is a little obsessed about the hygiene standards of others homes, but look what the rest of you are doing here. You are purposely excluding a five year old boy from joining his friends on a playdate. Can you imagine how that little chap feels?. You are a very unreasinable bunch.

You are purposely excluding a five year old boy from joining his friends on a playdate.

How am I purposely excluding him when I have invited him over three times?*

His mom has said no each time.

I’m not responsible for what she does or does not let her son do.

If she doesn’t want him coming to my house because she hasn’t been able to walk around it and see if it’s dirty, then that’s her choice.

I actually think you've handled this incredibly well and maturely. You've recognised she's not herself, named it and suggested talking things through. You've been polite and extended invitations to offer her the opportunity to try to change. However if she chooses not to, the fall out for her son is on her not you.

@BabyEI Read the thread. It is the mother who is purposely excluding her five year old child, not the OP. The OP has offered a few times now, the mother has turned her down.

@BabyEI You are purposely choosing to not read properly. Can you imagine how those who do read and understand feel when we read your uninformed posts?

Yanbu, however, I am the mom on the receiving end of being excluded from play dates (and birthday parties and what not) because I don’t conform to the playground politics or anything and just collect my son and go. Which is a shame because my boy is clearly very popular at school and would like to have his friends over/be invited to go to his friends houses, but because the mothers don’t like me they won’t allow either to happen.

I will accept though that that is a different issue and here the mother is excluding her son because she doesn’t like something about you!

Well I’ve given in and told the mum she can come round. I was walking home with the two boys who have come back with, and the mother approached me and told me how left out her son felt.

Basically I told her that I have no problem with her son coming over and if she wants to come too for a cup of tea and stay whilst her son is here then she can - but I also made it clear that’s all I was offering.

The balls totally in her court now. I believe I have met her half way and if she won’t do the same then that’s her choice.

That is very magnanimous of you op. Was this an offer for today, or a future time?

I think that’s very kind of you, @QueenofmyPrinces

I think that was very kind of you OP.

It was an offer for Sunday afternoon - It means I can send the children out with my husband in the morning and give my kitchen a deep clean

Good for you OP. I say this as the mum of a DS who was always left out due to being 'different' to the other children (ASD etc). Being left out is just awful. I can see from your replies on this thread that you've already tried hard to sort things out with her and the exclusion of her son is entirely her doing - but that's great that you're prepared to meet her half way (actually I'd say that you've gone far more than half way for her).

Don't you dare clean a thing!!