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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not invite this boy over for play dates because of his mother.

765 replies

QueenofmyPrinces · 15/01/2020 09:47

My son is five years old, in Year 1 at school and he has five good friends. All of us moms get on well too.

Our sons do various activities together (sports and other things), we all go on group trips our together and maybe once a month us moms go out together to socialise child-free.

Anyhow, one of the mothers is lovely but quite materialistic (and likes to show off about things) and about six months ago I was round her house with my son as we were preparing to take the boys swimming and she told me that she doesn’t let her son go to anyone’s house (for a play date) unless she has been inside the house herself and looked around it to make sure it’s suitable for her son to spend time there. She told me a tale about one house she’d been in and there were some stains on the carpet and that the bathroom hadn’t looked like it had been cleaned recently and so she wouldn’t let her son go there even though he was really good friends with the woman’s daughter.

I have never invited her son to my house for this reason. He is the only one out of my son’s friends that I haven’t had over to play.

Of the four other friends, this week I have two of the boys coming over after school and next week the other two boys are coming over.

The woman in question cornered me in the school playground this morning and said she felt very hurt that I was excluding her son from the play dates.

Rather than skirt around the issue I told her that if she was only going to allow her son to come and play depending on her judgment of the quality of my house, as opposed to how long she and I have known each other (18 months) and how well our boys get on, then it wasn’t something I wanted to be involved in. I was polite to her about it but I still wanted her to know how uncomfortable I felt about her judgements of others.

She looked furious and stormed off.

But I’m not BU am I ?

Ok, I feel bad that her son isn’t getting invited round when the rest of the boys are, but why should I allow her into my house purely so she can look around it and make an assessment as to whether it’s suitable enough for her son to be in?

That’s not normal behaviour is it?!

OP posts:
willothewispa · 17/01/2020 10:23

Yadnbu, well done you.

IntermittentParps · 17/01/2020 10:32

You have interpreted this to mean she wants a tour of every single room to inspect how well you clean your house.
That is basically what she said.

She's a tit, OP, and you're not 'punishing' her son or yours as some are suggesting. Hmm

OnTheEdgeOfTheNight · 17/01/2020 10:34

@QueenofmyPrinces way ignore the people who haven't read the thread.

You've been more than polite. If she finds others who feel the same way as her about then good luck to her. It sounds like you've been the one who initiates conversations over the past few days, you've done enough, don't feel you need to keep placating or including the woman.

MarthasGinYard · 17/01/2020 10:38

'About a month ago and she and I were walking home from the school together with the children, and my son said “can bob come to our house for tea mommy?” obviously causing his friend to get excited at the thought of it.

I would have had no problem with that whatsoever but his mom answered him by saying, “Not tonight Bob, mommy hasn’t seen the house yet so I can’t let you go there, you know that.”'

So you would have let him come if she hadn't have said the 'not tonight Bob' bit?

So what did you say?

CatkinToadflax · 17/01/2020 10:43

Poor little boy. ☹️

Highonpotandused · 17/01/2020 10:50

So you would have let him come if she hadn't have said the 'not tonight Bob' bit?

How could OP let him come if the mum won’t let him? The ‘Not tonight Bob’ was the decline for the invitation.

mummumumumumumumumumum · 17/01/2020 10:52

I dont understand. There are threads on here where posters loose their shit at the prospect of a MIL daring to look in the master bedroom but on this thread it seems your house should be open to inspection of anyone who wants to see it.

My house is lived in but relatively clean and tidy (before the playdate or sleepover) but no one is coming to inspect my house and no one has ever asked to

MarthasGinYard · 17/01/2020 10:53

‘Not tonight Bob’

I'm sorry, now all I can conjour up is that classic line from Rita, sue and Bob tooGrin

Dontdisturbmenow · 17/01/2020 10:53

Because she told me that she gave me a tour of her house (off her own back) so she can’t understand why I won’t do the same for her
So did you say 'oh, well I'm not so comfortable showing people around all the rooms in my house, but of course you can come in the living room and follow me on the kitchen as I make a drink, is that ok?'

Or does this even go against your principles?

Puffinhead · 17/01/2020 10:58

We’ll done OP, you sound perfectly reasonable to me. She’s going to struggle when her son is older and Makes new friends at secondary school - you’re lucky to even meet the parents let alone see where they live!

Puffinhead · 17/01/2020 10:58
  • and see inside the houses.
sonjadog · 17/01/2020 11:09

If he is a poor little boy, but that is because of his mother's behaviour, not the OPs. The OP is not responsible for the other mother's son and does not have to let someone poke around her house against her wishes because they want to. Really, it is okay to say no to people when they want to do things you don't want them to, and let them deal with the consequences of that no, without having to feel sorry for them, try to fix it so that they get what they want after all, etc.

ralfeesmum · 17/01/2020 11:13

She's a first-rate snob and attention seeker.

Good for you for telling it like it is!

ikeakia · 17/01/2020 11:17

Don’t

What if (this seems likely judging by the woman’s previous responses) that offer was also declined as it’s not good enough? Would you finally accept that OP is not being unreasonable and this woman is batshit?

Why do you think OP should facilitate this? For a child that is sadly being excluded by his own mother’s batshittery and unwillingness to step back from the edge of cheeky fuckery.

I think you’re just as batshit as cheeky fucker mum is if you think that OP should give over any part of her house to scrutiny.

Johnsonsfiat · 17/01/2020 11:21

The strangest thing is her telling the little boy the actual real reason he can't go to his friend's house. That's really weird and messed up.

yellowallpaper · 17/01/2020 11:21

Good for you! No U at all, she sounds like a PITA

Dontdisturbmenow · 17/01/2020 11:24

What if (this seems likely judging by the woman’s previous responses) that offer was also declined as it’s not good enough
Yes absolutely. OP has said that the mum confirmed there was a misunderstanding and yes, I do believe OP has misinterpreted what that friend was asking for. If her response was that nothing would do but seeing every single room, including OP's bedroom, then yes, I definitely would think that she was unreasonable.

Batshit for facilitating entering a house and seeing the living room? Personally I have never invited a friend of my kids without inviting the mum when I've known them for 18 months. I find doing so quite rude and yes, if such mum made such a fuss over inviting me in if only in the doorway, I would conclude her house is probably a tip.

Hotpinkangel19 · 17/01/2020 11:25

Not in a million years would I facilitate that either OP! Not a chance! Well done for saying so!

YesThatsATurdOnTheRug · 17/01/2020 11:25

She's nuts!

FourStarsShine · 17/01/2020 11:26

I think you are over interpreting. Has she said “I want to check your house isn’t dirty”? Or are you assuming that’s her motive as she commented about the other woman’s house having stained carpets and a dirty loo.

I’m wondering if you are a bit naive about just sending your child to an unknown house without first accompanying him. He’s only 5.

A good friend of mine is absolutely lovely, kids are great friends. But. Her house is filthy. Animals allowed on surfaces and to eat off the kids dinner plates BEFORE the kids have touched them. Absolutely bonkers dog that nips and barks like a maniac and isn’t crated or put outside.

If I hadn’t wanted to go along with my child first I wouldn’t have known. We visit, but I am always there and insist the dog isn’t where we are.

Another school child lives in a house that’s a perpetual building site. House and garden are death traps for falls, cuts, drowning. Again I wouldn’t know if I’d just let my son get picked up without going first.

I think you are unreasonable to be taking such offence.

FourStarsShine · 17/01/2020 11:30

Also, I wonder if there’s a particular reason she’s so anxious about leaving him in an unknown house. Perhaps she had a terrible experience as a child being left at a strange house.

Maybe ask her, nicely, what she’s worried about. It’s unlikely to be about you.

ikeakia · 17/01/2020 11:33

Don’t

The mum agreed that OP was right though and she was expecting a full tour. OP has stated that. So how can that be a miscommunication?

And yes undeniably batshit! If nothing else for making her intention to visit only to assess suitability so damn obvious. Who the hell does that?! You’d keep quiet if that was what you were doing so you had more chance of discovering something that you deem a hazard or unacceptable. You don’t basically say ‘I need a quick check of your whole house so I know little Bob will be safe. Make sure you have the carpets cleaned and be a dear and hide the whips and chains! So, tomorrow at 1?’

You just don’t make it so obvious that you disapprove of anything less than your own exacting standards and moan when no one takes you up on your generous offer to inspect their property.

Batshittery.

beerbellypregnantbelly · 17/01/2020 11:33

hi fellow mumsnetter, just chiming in with my £4.50 here (lol)

im no expert but i dont think you should be letting your son go on dates at 5 years old!!!!!!!!!!

p.s i hope youre not going to be skirting anywhere#1

lots of love a fellow mumnetter xoxox Blush

Original poster
QueenofmyPrinces · 17/01/2020 11:49

I think you are over interpreting. Has she said “I want to check your house isn’t dirty”

She said she likes to look at the rooms inside the house to make sure she isn’t leaving her child anywhere dirty

OP posts:
Original poster
QueenofmyPrinces · 17/01/2020 11:51

yes, I do believe OP has misinterpreted what that friend was asking for.

She has told me that she wants to look inside the rooms of the house to make sure she isn’t leaving her child anywhere dirty, and that as she gave me a tour of her house (off her own back) then she doesn’t understand why I won’t do the same for her.

I don’t understand why you think I have misinterpreted her?

OP posts: