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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not invite this boy over for play dates because of his mother.

765 replies

QueenofmyPrinces · 15/01/2020 09:47

My son is five years old, in Year 1 at school and he has five good friends. All of us moms get on well too.

Our sons do various activities together (sports and other things), we all go on group trips our together and maybe once a month us moms go out together to socialise child-free.

Anyhow, one of the mothers is lovely but quite materialistic (and likes to show off about things) and about six months ago I was round her house with my son as we were preparing to take the boys swimming and she told me that she doesn’t let her son go to anyone’s house (for a play date) unless she has been inside the house herself and looked around it to make sure it’s suitable for her son to spend time there. She told me a tale about one house she’d been in and there were some stains on the carpet and that the bathroom hadn’t looked like it had been cleaned recently and so she wouldn’t let her son go there even though he was really good friends with the woman’s daughter.

I have never invited her son to my house for this reason. He is the only one out of my son’s friends that I haven’t had over to play.

Of the four other friends, this week I have two of the boys coming over after school and next week the other two boys are coming over.

The woman in question cornered me in the school playground this morning and said she felt very hurt that I was excluding her son from the play dates.

Rather than skirt around the issue I told her that if she was only going to allow her son to come and play depending on her judgment of the quality of my house, as opposed to how long she and I have known each other (18 months) and how well our boys get on, then it wasn’t something I wanted to be involved in. I was polite to her about it but I still wanted her to know how uncomfortable I felt about her judgements of others.

She looked furious and stormed off.

But I’m not BU am I ?

Ok, I feel bad that her son isn’t getting invited round when the rest of the boys are, but why should I allow her into my house purely so she can look around it and make an assessment as to whether it’s suitable enough for her son to be in?

That’s not normal behaviour is it?!

OP posts:
Dontdisturbmenow · 17/01/2020 08:30

but I do have a problem with her expecting a full tour of every bedroom so she can decide how dirty it is
Oh really that's what she said? That unless she can go in every single room, her child can't come? I very much doubt it.

The problem is that you are now sticking to your position out of principle rather than what I'd best for your child and friendship and that's what is sad.

It's too late anyway, the damage is done. Time to move and accept that you won't be friends anymore and your child won't be invited at hers, which might not natter unless the others still are, the mums are ok with it and it's your son who will turn to you and ask why he isn't invited and upset to be missing out.

MzHz · 17/01/2020 08:47

She referenced a tour she’d given @QueenofmyPrinces and it was implied that she expected the same!

Her motives are odd and OP is entitled to politely refuse as she has done.

lisclick · 17/01/2020 08:52

I agree that your friend’s behaviour is out of order, but maybe there’s something you do that annoys other people. The crux of this is that it’s not about you, it’s about your son and his friendships and that poor little lad who must be wondering why he doesn’t get invited to his friend’s houses and what is wrong with him. Imagine how he feels when he sees his friends going to play dates and he’s not going.
I think you can rise above this. Invite him over. Do the mums hang around at your play dates? If so let his mum come in and do what she does. If she’s the only one who comes, offer her coffee and when she asks if she can have a tour of your house, take her round. Surely she won’t point out the dirt? Keep things light and chatty. Put up with it and think of your boy playing happily with his friend. If she won’t bring him, you can’t do anything. If she does, you will feel much better. The fact that you’ve posted on here shows that you’re feeling bad about it.

Dontdisturbmenow · 17/01/2020 08:57

OP made it clear she has no interest in putting up with showing her any of her rooms because she is sticking to a matter of principle that she doesn't have to.

I can't imagine this in real life, really can't. What I can imagine is a mum asking if it's ok if she comes in, the host saying yes of course, if asked to see rooms, being shown the living room, kitchen, child's room and room where toilet is and that's that, no need to show the parent bedroom or ensuite. End of issue, kids play well together, parents remain friendly.

PuppyMonkey · 17/01/2020 08:58

I suspect OP has posted on here because she thinks the other mum is a bit odd and is rather incredulous at her cheek, not because she feels bad about the other boy.Confused

The onus is now on the other mum to get over herself, not the OP.

MzHz · 17/01/2020 08:58

Ffs! So this other woman’s hang ups are the responsibility of literally everyone else?

It’s not anyone else’s responsibility what the mother does or doesn’t allow her son to do.

This is not a tour for reconnaissance, it’s an inspection to see if it’s suitable

The person who’s home it is doesn’t have to suck up someone demanding an inspection

Op isn’t comfortable setting herself up for judgement so has repeatedly offered invitations to the boy, but made it clear that this woman won’t be inspecting her home.

Original poster
QueenofmyPrinces · 17/01/2020 09:12

.......offer her coffee and when she asks if she can have a tour of your house, take her round. Surely she won’t point out the dirt? Keep things light and chatty. Put up with it and think of your boy playing happily with his friend.

But why should I put up with it?

Why is her son being able to attend play dates my responsibility? Why am I expected to do something that I am not comfortable with to accommodate her?

She’s not comfortable sending her son to my house without checking out the rooms first, so why as his mother isn’t it her responsibility to do something she isn’t comfortable with to enable her son to come to my house?

Why am I expected to do something I don’t want to do, yet she isn’t ?

If she wants her son to be included then she needs to alter her boundaries, not expect others too.

OP posts:
MzHz · 17/01/2020 09:26

Well... she has her boundaries, you have yours.

They are incompatible, regardless of who’s in the right or wrong.

MzHz · 17/01/2020 09:27

Makes you wonder if she checks out every room in a hotel before she books the holiday... 😂

zeeboo · 17/01/2020 09:30

Thank God for @SaphfireRose I was beginning to think the world had gone mad.
I have been a parent of primary aged children since the 1990's as my kids are spaced out in age. Never ONCE have I inspected a house before leaving my child there or had another parent do the same. At playgroup you would go along as well and so you'd see their house but at school these are friends they've made by themselves and you do not expect to be visiting their homes, just letting your child go round for tea. As SaphireRose said, you see my child at school, dressed in clean uniform, engaged in learning and extra curricular activities and you've spent enough time with me to know I'm a perfectly ordinary Mum, that's all you need to know.

My house probably IS dirty by the standards of most people on this thread. We have cat pee stains on the carpet due to a now deceased cat who became incontinent. We can't afford to re-carpet because the same carpet covers the ground floor of the house in a pretty much continuous piece. And as it would involve removing all of the furniture from the downstairs it would be virtually impossible without a team of movers and a week of sunny weather.
My kitchen floor is often filthy, we have a Labrador and kids and I'm also a shit housewife. But I'm not preparing food on it or expecting your child to eat off it.
Kitchen counters are clean, food is prepared hygienically and the toilets and basins are clean.

I'm so bloody glad that where I live people are more down to earth and don't go around inspecting or judging.

zeeboo · 17/01/2020 09:34

Oh and OP you have handled this with so much grace and good manners. I am fairly sure that it would have descended into a slanging match if it had been me!

Original poster
QueenofmyPrinces · 17/01/2020 09:36

In hindsight I’m surprised she didn’t ask to look at the inside of my car before she asked if she could borrow it.

Things were a little strained when I saw her this morning, but I asked how she was and asked if she’d had a better night with her son as he’s been fighting bedtime lately and she answered politely but it felt a bit formal. I don’t expect things to return to normal just yet though, I think we will have to wait for the dust to settle a little.

OP posts:
VioletsArePurple · 17/01/2020 09:44

The other mother is a snob. But you are punishing a 5 year old for his mother's behaviour. I'd invite the five year old, but not his mother. What have the other mother's said?

Highonpotandused · 17/01/2020 09:49

@VioletsArePurple if you read the thread you will see that OP has invited the boy without his mother twice but the mother said no.

So the mother is punishing her son, not OP.

Original poster
QueenofmyPrinces · 17/01/2020 09:50

Violets - I have invited her son over three times and each time she has said no.

We don’t really talk about it a lot, it’s only mentioned when play dates are being arranged and they feel the same as me really that they don’t like excluding the other boy but they don’t feel comfortable with having to show his mother around their houses first in order to get her approval.

It’s not something we talk about outside of planning play dates at our houses though.

OP posts:
ContessaferJones · 17/01/2020 09:50

I think you're doing well to make it clear that you disagree on this point, but not in general. That makes it harder for her to dismiss as you being mean to her/the child, if you're generally nice and reasonable!

Maybe a way past it in future would be to throw a group party and invite everyone. That way she'd be permitted access but in a group of other people and so would not get (or expect to get) the grand tour, but would hopefully see enough to soothe the crazy and permit future playdates without her in tow. Also, the house would inevitably be messy due to the party so she'd look like a tit if she commented on it Grin

VioletsArePurple · 17/01/2020 09:52

Sorry, I didn't read the whole thread (obviously). Blush

Fifteenthnamechange · 17/01/2020 10:04

Again, I commend u OP. To me even if u caved & have her the tour she wants the inference is u would need to clean your house thoroughly before she came & would need to keep it to that standard every time.
And yes the other mum may have anxiety issues around this-but it doesn't mean she's right.
I think you've handled this really well OP.

MzHz · 17/01/2020 10:05

I think by just being normal with her there is a hope she’ll see you’re not against her, but not about to have your home vetted...

If the others in your group are the same she may come to understand your point of view...

Dontdisturbmenow · 17/01/2020 10:08

@zeeboo, to be honest, I don't think I would have wanted my kids to go to your house.

My house was far from spotless, but scarlet with cat wee and filthy kitchen floor, mmm, it would make me wonder about other standards.

OP, exactly, she didn't ask to inspect your car which shows that you have totally over exaggerated her position.

Original poster
QueenofmyPrinces · 17/01/2020 10:10

OP, exactly, she didn't ask to inspect your car which shows that you have totally over exaggerated her position.

How have I?

She has openly told me that she wants to look around my house to make sure she isn’t leaving her son somewhere dirty.

It’s pretty clear to me what her position is.

OP posts:
Original poster
QueenofmyPrinces · 17/01/2020 10:13

I think by just being normal with her there is a hope she’ll see you’re not against her, but not about to have your home vetted...

We spend a lot of time with each other outside of the school playground so the last thing I want is for there to be an ongoing issue between us.

As I have said all along, apart from her materialism she is a nice woman and I like her. I have no reason to not want things to go back to normal between us and I hope they can in time.

OP posts:
Dontdisturbmenow · 17/01/2020 10:17

It’s pretty clear to me what her position is
It doesn't seem clear at all.

She said she wanted to see your house to be reassured it's not filthy.

You have interpreted this to mean she wants a tour of every single room to inspect how well you clean your house.

The two are quite different.

Ghostontoast · 17/01/2020 10:20

If I am going to guests that I know have asthma for example, then I (would ask which allergens affect them) would try to do an deep clean to remove dust/pet hair etc. But to be be “inspected” by someone like her first - just no!

Aren’t some illnesses in later life thought to be due to lack of exposure to germs in early life?

Original poster
QueenofmyPrinces · 17/01/2020 10:20

You have interpreted this to mean she wants a tour of every single room to inspect how well you clean your house.

Because she told me that she gave me a tour of her house (off her own back) so she can’t understand why I won’t do the same for her.

Ergo: she wants a tour of my house.

OP posts: