To not invite this boy over for play dates because of his mother.

[QueenofmyPrinces]

My son is five years old, in Year 1 at school and he has five good friends. All of us moms get on well too.

Our sons do various activities together (sports and other things), we all go on group trips our together and maybe once a month us moms go out together to socialise child-free.

Anyhow, one of the mothers is lovely but quite materialistic (and likes to show off about things) and about six months ago I was round her house with my son as we were preparing to take the boys swimming and she told me that she doesn’t let her son go to anyone’s house (for a play date) unless she has been inside the house herself and looked around it to make sure it’s suitable for her son to spend time there. She told me a tale about one house she’d been in and there were some stains on the carpet and that the bathroom hadn’t looked like it had been cleaned recently and so she wouldn’t let her son go there even though he was really good friends with the woman’s daughter.

I have never invited her son to my house for this reason. He is the only one out of my son’s friends that I haven’t had over to play.

Of the four other friends, this week I have two of the boys coming over after school and next week the other two boys are coming over.

The woman in question cornered me in the school playground this morning and said she felt very hurt that I was excluding her son from the play dates.

Rather than skirt around the issue I told her that if she was only going to allow her son to come and play depending on her judgment of the quality of my house, as opposed to how long she and I have known each other (18 months) and how well our boys get on, then it wasn’t something I wanted to be involved in. I was polite to her about it but I still wanted her to know how uncomfortable I felt about her judgements of others.

She looked furious and stormed off.

But I’m not BU am I ?

Ok, I feel bad that her son isn’t getting invited round when the rest of the boys are, but why should I allow her into my house purely so she can look around it and make an assessment as to whether it’s suitable enough for her son to be in?

That’s not normal behaviour is it?!

I think the truth hurts but sometimes there's no other way around it. At least you didn't make up a bullshit excuse, and she knows exactly where she stands. She probably has OCD or anxiety but so do I, and I'd never dream of assessing or saying to anyone I'm secretly assessing their cleanliness (even though I do , but I keep it to myself , if you can't say anything nice and all that ...) . I worked in social care though as admin and sometimes they want to know where your child is going , who is coming in and out of the household and who they have contact with...so this makes me wonder...

@QueenofmyPrinces

When I was little back in the 70s, all a visit to another child’s home took was either my parents knowing their parents well, or my parents knowing the child well (from being at our house often).
This inspection stuff would not fly.
I feel sorry for the little boy, but those blaming the OP for that punishment are zeroing in on the wrong person. The boy’s mother is to blame for being judgmental & then blabbing about it.
Don’t let these shamers get you down, @QueenofmyPrinces - you’re perfectly within your rights to not want the same treatment as the “stained carpet” mom.
Stick to your guns. 🌻

Ps I think its admirable that you are honest. People respect honesty. You may find that she has a think about it and comes around -hopefully - but on the other side of the coin it may upset her and she may dig her heels in even more as she sees it as a personal attack...

@JosefKeller

There should be consequences for judging and shaming a complete stranger on MN.

The fact is, @QueenofmyPrinces has been upfront and honest with the woman, and was kind about it too. They came to an agreement of sorts.

Stop with the trolling.

OP you have been totally measured in your response. A very important job as a parent is to allow our children to become increasingly independent and also learn that there are lots of ways of living. Some of DD's friends find us slightly chaotic and wierd compared to their families (lone widowed parent, working full time) but have fun when here. DD also loves going to friends and with several siblings and grandparents on the same street, a different level of chaos. All homes are comfortable, not show homes. Some may be a bit messy but none are squalid (and loads of kids grow up with squalid, believe me).
Of course we need to assure ourselves as parents; as much as we can our children are safe. We also need to instill in them that being sociable and accepting of people from all backgrounds is normal. Even from tiny, spending time with friends for a few hours starts the long road to independence we should all be working towards for our children.

I would not let my 5 year old go to a house I have not been too before regardless of how many months I have known the parents. At 5 they cannot tell you adequately anything that could be a safety issue so I would like to make my own risk assessment.

Op has taken it as a personal slight on herself but I would not see it that way. My friend doesn’t use a fire guard because her children have never gone near the stove where as I have always used one. Again some parents don’t need a stair gate but we don’t have stairs. Lots of us don’t worry about certain safety aspects around our own children because they know our boundaries but another child might not. So I would need to see the house to say to my child don’t go near the stove, don’t go out on the road etc and to assess their safety. It would not be a reflection on the Op.

One pp mentioned going to a chaotic house where there was a big dog all the children were playing with and ponies being lead through the house. They described it as an wonderful home but from growing up on a farm I would not see that as wonderful and safe probably wouldn’t allow my child there on their own.

I think as a parent we have the right to decide what is safe for our own children. Op feels that the mum should trust her judgement because she sees them as friends but I feel like my child’s safety rests ultimately with me and I need to make sure I am happy with the safety. Maybe this mum feels this way too!

Sounds like separation anxiety to me.... She just doesn't want to be away from her child (as well as a bit of judging of others)

@Dontdisturbmenow As expected, and highlighted by a number of posters here, she confirmed that you got it all wrong and misinterpreted what you said. Wrong! On the contrary! If you read the posts, you will see she has CONFIRMED the OP got it right, all along. And other posters have pointed this out, that she has confirmed the OP was right.

@PlanDeRaccordement Have you even read the posts? The OP gave her a few chances, and she proved the OP was right all along! The only person punishing her child, is her, not the OP.

She never said anything about inspecting OPs house, she mentioned liking to see a house before leaving her kid there after a bad experience.

Er, it is the SAME THING. OP has given her chances since then, basically set a trap, and she proved that she wanted to Inspect the house before her son enters. OP has proven she was right all along. Otherwise, the mother would have taken up the OP's offer. She didn't, and the OP was proven correct.

@RightEarlobeBreath The OP said the mother gave her a tour of the house - every single room, including the master bedroom. Then, at the coffee discussion, the mother remind the OP of the tour she had in her house, indicating that is what she expected, in return.

A full tour. Of the entire house. This isn't just her popping her head around the door. The mother wants a full house tour. She confirmed the OP was right.

@RightEarlobeBreath Disregard my post to you, it seems you now see it. That's what happens when one reads and replies as they go on, I guess.

@Olivia22 The mother is the one who needs to put her feelings aside, not the OP, you have it back to front!

@Rashboy At 5 years old, they shouldn't need a stair gate. We are talking about school children that probably walk stairs a lot. Not a 2 year old who doesn't walk stairs.

Also you are being massively unreasonable re the stove. A helicopter parent to the extreme. Why would you assume the child will be playing in the kitchen? Most kids don't play in kitchens, they play in the loungeroom or the bedroom or outside. So are you going to inspect that the windows are safe with latches, check out the electrical wiring, etc? You sound way over the top like the mum in the OP's story. It's not normal behaviour. Not at all. The mother in the OP is now finding this out, too.

Apparently, posting on an internet forum is called 'bitching and gossiping'. Really, josefkeller? I guess every one who comes on MN asking advice, from children, to MILs, to marital problems, are 'gossiping and bitching' too. If that is so, why are you on this site partaking in the 'gossiping and bitching'?

How does she get herself into others houses.? Does she just turn up and have a good nose round.
I just can't see how the stains on the toilet pan effect the way her son would be cared for at another's house. It's all about the kids having fun and enjoying themselves, not about how dusty the TV is.

@SaphfireRose

Your posts are spot on.
Lots of bs on this thread.

Oh well, who cares. You refuse to have her over out of principle -or worry that the poor state of cleanliness of your housewill be reveiled- and you both lost a potential friendship over it and made it awkward around the rest of the group and for the boys.

All this because you had a chip over your shoulder letting her in your house to let her be reassured over a matter 5hat makes her anxious but hey, we all have some wired anxieties others struggle to understand because they don't have the same.

In the end, I get the feeling that you'll be more bothered about it than she will be. Shell have no problem finding friends who won't feel so precious about inviting her in their house.

So really it ends well because you were never going to get along, you are too different.

Er, it is the SAME THING
Not the same at all. She's looking for reassurance that OP standard of cleanliness is acceptable to her. It's not inspecting.

If you go to a restaurant, you want to get the feel that it is clean as you walk in, you don't get inspect in the kitchen or the cellar!

That mum sounds a bit neurotic but so what. It's so obvious that the issue with OP is that she knows her house is s bit dirty.

I'd just let her come have a look, why should her being a bit batshit put a spanner in her sons friendships. Not his fault really.

I probably would rather know where my son plays too when hes bigger. But not for Judgy reasons, more for knowing it's a safe place.

Ive seen various things in houses with children when I was a cleaner: drain cleaner kept on the floor in the bathroom, knives etc in easy reach, broken furniture with sharp bits of broken wood, dog that constantly growls at the kids.

Shell have no problem finding friends who won't feel so precious about inviting her in their house.

I have no problem inviting her into my house - but I do have a problem with her expecting a full tour of every bedroom so she can decide how dirty it is. Sorry, but that’s not on and I can’t believe people on here would be happy for someone to do that in their own house.

What I don’t understand about her request though is surely if she makes it known she’s coming over to have a look around then the persons whose house it is would obviously have a major tidy us and make sure everywhere is pristine and safe - but just because the woman looking around sees it in that state, that doesn’t mean the house is actually going to be like that when her son visits.

I don’t understand how someone can ascertain whether a house is safe based on a one-off, pre-arranged, quick ten minute tour of the house.

To me knowing my child is safe is based on how I feel about the parents and how much I trust them.

Of the four boys I have got coming to mine (two tonight and two on Tuesday), only two of the boys have been here before and for the other two it’s their first time. The mothers of their two boys haven’t got any problem with their children coming to my house without seeing it first because they know me, they know my husband, they know the kind of life we lead and they know their children are safe in my care.

I guess we all just have different views on the matter and if this other mother is telling me that her son is not allowed over until she’s looked around my house to make sure it’s not dirty, then sorry but she is the one causing her son to be excluded, not me.

Well done for being completely straightforward and honest in your communication with her and for sticking to your guns. The problem is hers. If her son doesn’t get to have play dates at your house Like his other friends it’s entirely down to her, not you.

@QueenofmyPrinces

“then sorry but...”

Don’t EVER apologize for standing up for yourself.
You handled yourself beautifully.

Absolutely @QueenofmyPrinces she’s STILL not getting it if she’s telling her son that he’s not allowed to go to your house, he IS allowed as far as you’re concerned, but she’s not letting him.

It’s also absolutely crystal clear that she wasn’t coming over to be with him (as many parents of 5yos Do) but she IS expecting a full tour during which she’s not just looking at the home from a friendly perspective, she has been absolutely clear that she’s checking to see if it’s suitable

That’s all shades of wrong.

Her behaviour is utterly bizarre.