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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not invite this boy over for play dates because of his mother.

765 replies

QueenofmyPrinces · 15/01/2020 09:47

My son is five years old, in Year 1 at school and he has five good friends. All of us moms get on well too.

Our sons do various activities together (sports and other things), we all go on group trips our together and maybe once a month us moms go out together to socialise child-free.

Anyhow, one of the mothers is lovely but quite materialistic (and likes to show off about things) and about six months ago I was round her house with my son as we were preparing to take the boys swimming and she told me that she doesn’t let her son go to anyone’s house (for a play date) unless she has been inside the house herself and looked around it to make sure it’s suitable for her son to spend time there. She told me a tale about one house she’d been in and there were some stains on the carpet and that the bathroom hadn’t looked like it had been cleaned recently and so she wouldn’t let her son go there even though he was really good friends with the woman’s daughter.

I have never invited her son to my house for this reason. He is the only one out of my son’s friends that I haven’t had over to play.

Of the four other friends, this week I have two of the boys coming over after school and next week the other two boys are coming over.

The woman in question cornered me in the school playground this morning and said she felt very hurt that I was excluding her son from the play dates.

Rather than skirt around the issue I told her that if she was only going to allow her son to come and play depending on her judgment of the quality of my house, as opposed to how long she and I have known each other (18 months) and how well our boys get on, then it wasn’t something I wanted to be involved in. I was polite to her about it but I still wanted her to know how uncomfortable I felt about her judgements of others.

She looked furious and stormed off.

But I’m not BU am I ?

Ok, I feel bad that her son isn’t getting invited round when the rest of the boys are, but why should I allow her into my house purely so she can look around it and make an assessment as to whether it’s suitable enough for her son to be in?

That’s not normal behaviour is it?!

OP posts:
RightEarlobeBreath · 16/01/2020 19:12

Where did OP say this mum checked every room? I’ve missed that bit I think! 😂

We’ve gone from a mum who noticed stains on the carpet and a dirty bathroom when she presumably went to use the toilet to someone who inspects every inch of the house and demands a full tour. Mumsnet exaggeration at its finest 😂

ILoveYou3000 · 16/01/2020 19:24

Oh give over @JosefKeller the OP hasn't cornered or bullied anyone. She's attempted to discuss the issue and make sure she hadn't got it wrong.

Also, I don't know anyone who has ever inspected the home of a child's school friend before allowing them over to play. Most of the time the only part of the house I see is the hallway when I step inside while picking up the kids. Same when other parents pick theirs up from mine. If it's a parent I get along well with there might be an offer of a cuppa, especially if the kids are playing nicely, but there are no tours or inspections prior to the children coming/going round to play.

Fifteenthnamechange · 16/01/2020 19:41

Well done OP. Maybe this will be what she needs to challenge her views. As I said before people are more of a risk to children (once they're out of toddler age) than their physical surroundings.
As an aside do u watch Motherland? Every time u talk about your detective inspector friend I picture Amanda from Motherland...

Highonpotandused · 16/01/2020 19:47

@JosefKeller

I am full of admiration for that woman who sticks to her principles.

Yes, I admire the OP too.

MovingBriskyOn · 16/01/2020 19:52

I really admire you, OP for being comfortable enough in your own skin that you're not prepared to allow you to be uncomfortable about your life.

What happens about birthdays? Do none of you do parties at home?

Milkandhoney123 · 16/01/2020 20:04

user1493413286

This is what I was thinking too

sonjadog · 16/01/2020 20:08

I think there is checking your child isn´t going somewhere unsafe, and then there is checking over the house for dirt. She sounds rather extreme in her views. I think it is good that you managed to have a proper conversation about this with her. I wouldn't be letting her check my house over for dirt either.

ikeakia · 16/01/2020 20:11

This is ridiculous. She has no business to expect a tour of your house and then you get the prize of her child’s attendance. And where does it stop? Does the first ‘inspection’ only last for 6 months and after that you have to have her around to ‘renew’ your suitability? You could have made so much mess and dirt that she wouldn’t know about otherwise so surely she would want to continue checking.

So pleased you stuck to your guns. It’s her prerogative if she needs to see every inch of someone’s house but it’s her own damn fault if the child isn’t invited anywhere. Even if someone did come to mine for a coffee (and a nose to check it was suitable for their PFB) I wouldn’t be taking them on a tour of the house and certainly not my bedroom. That’s where all the crap from the rest of the house would be hidden so I’d pass the inspection! Grin

PutsFootInIt · 16/01/2020 20:17

@RightEarlobeBreath read OPs unpdate on page 13.

Sounds like this mother has some issues and OCD.

BumbleBeee69 · 16/01/2020 20:20

OP you are a gawd darn STAR... LEGEND in fact lol and I'm still laughing at the balls you have.. wish there were more like you around.. Grin

letmebefrank · 16/01/2020 20:23

OP hasn't bullied the other mother. The other mother has made it clear she's a judgmental cow, and OP simply isn't catering to it. Why should she?

RightEarlobeBreath · 16/01/2020 20:47

Thank you @PutsFootInIt I take back my comment, it seems she did want the full tour Shock Grin

cologne4711 · 16/01/2020 20:59

I must admit, when DS was this age, I (and practically every mum I knew) used to invite the mum as well as the child round for the first play date

I did this too, but it wasn't to do with checking the house out, it was because I wanted to make mum friends and have a chat.

ThanosSavedMe · 16/01/2020 21:09

Well done op. I can’t believe you’ve had a hard time from some people on here, the other mum is a cf and you called her out on it. And brilliantly too.

Olivia22 · 16/01/2020 21:13

Did you even think about the poor little boy that is feeling left out? You need to set your feelings aside for your son and her sons sake. This just seems really mean. You don't need to agree with the mom or be best friends with her but please don't make her son feel left out of his tight group of friends.

Original poster
QueenofmyPrinces · 16/01/2020 21:19

You need to set your feelings aside for your son and her sons sake.

Why am I responsible for her son?

Maybe she should put her feelings aside for the sake of her son?

OP posts:
ThanosSavedMe · 16/01/2020 21:22

The mother is ensure her son is left out with her ridiculous demands, not the op

Bluerussian · 16/01/2020 21:22

Yes, both of you, Queen. There must be a compromise. She does sound OTT though, whatever she may feel about the state of other people's houses she should never have discussed it with someone else. That's horrible.

SmallChickBilly · 16/01/2020 21:25

If you've known her for 18 months and the thing about inspecting other people's houses only came up 6 months ago, how come you never had her and her son round before that? Because when mine were 4, they wouldn't have wanted to go round to someone's house without me at least stopping in for a second to get them acclimatised etc, and it sounds like she was inviting you and your son round, but you never invited her.

Perhaps the repeated lack of return invitation rang alarm bells with her and she's concerned that your tacit (and now overt) refusal to return the hospitality she offered you was something to be worried about.

That said, one of my sons has a friend whose house he is not allowed to go to unsupervised and I've never been further than the front door. The living situation is a bit chaotic (such that I have reported safeguarding concerns to the school) and I know that conditions are less than ideal, but the boys are friends and I'm happy to host every time.

whiteroseredrose · 16/01/2020 21:31

I have RTFT and think you are spot on. You have left the ball firmly in her court.

Her son is not being excluded, he is welcome in your home but you are not prepared to let her poke around your home. Her choice.

NicEv · 16/01/2020 22:13

I think YABU to exclude the little boy just because you don’t like his mum’s comment/attitude. This is why it doesn’t always work to befriend your child’s mums.

Don’t leave the little boy out - just invite him along and allow your kids to have their friendship. Rise above your interpretation of mum’s comments.

I think YABU to allow your view of the mum to impact on the kids.

ThanosSavedMe · 16/01/2020 22:34

She has invited the boy over. The mum declined. Op has tried to resolve it, mums isn’t interested. She is the one excluding her son, not the op

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 17/01/2020 00:10

Bravo Queen! You've tackled it head on, had a civil conversation, clarified that yes, you had totally understood her and she's basically saying that, despite having known you for 18 months, she still fears you're a slattern with a filthy house and will not allow her son inside until she has seen the Whole House.

She's just nosey and judgey - keep her out.

PattiPrice · 17/01/2020 00:42

I didn't send my DCs to houses I hadn't been to when they were 5 years old.

I understand this if you didn’t know the parents at all and would like to say hello when dropping them off but I cannot understand how you can say you will drop the child to their house, and when you arrive invite yourself in, look around, decide it isn’t fit for purpose and whisk your child away. What do you say?

Toomuchtrouble4me · 17/01/2020 01:51

You are my hero honest op.