To not invite this boy over for play dates because of his mother.

[QueenofmyPrinces]

My son is five years old, in Year 1 at school and he has five good friends. All of us moms get on well too.

Our sons do various activities together (sports and other things), we all go on group trips our together and maybe once a month us moms go out together to socialise child-free.

Anyhow, one of the mothers is lovely but quite materialistic (and likes to show off about things) and about six months ago I was round her house with my son as we were preparing to take the boys swimming and she told me that she doesn’t let her son go to anyone’s house (for a play date) unless she has been inside the house herself and looked around it to make sure it’s suitable for her son to spend time there. She told me a tale about one house she’d been in and there were some stains on the carpet and that the bathroom hadn’t looked like it had been cleaned recently and so she wouldn’t let her son go there even though he was really good friends with the woman’s daughter.

I have never invited her son to my house for this reason. He is the only one out of my son’s friends that I haven’t had over to play.

Of the four other friends, this week I have two of the boys coming over after school and next week the other two boys are coming over.

The woman in question cornered me in the school playground this morning and said she felt very hurt that I was excluding her son from the play dates.

Rather than skirt around the issue I told her that if she was only going to allow her son to come and play depending on her judgment of the quality of my house, as opposed to how long she and I have known each other (18 months) and how well our boys get on, then it wasn’t something I wanted to be involved in. I was polite to her about it but I still wanted her to know how uncomfortable I felt about her judgements of others.

She looked furious and stormed off.

But I’m not BU am I ?

Ok, I feel bad that her son isn’t getting invited round when the rest of the boys are, but why should I allow her into my house purely so she can look around it and make an assessment as to whether it’s suitable enough for her son to be in?

That’s not normal behaviour is it?!

YANBU. Don't involve yourself in anything that would cause you anxiety/stress anymore than you have to, especially if someone says she's going to judge you in your own home.

Hi @QueenofmyPrinces I've RTFT and I am your biggest fan

You've been clear about how you feel, you communicate brilliantly, you've been honest and now you are going to deal with a situation head-on and try to resolve it - fantastic!

There are so few people like you (including myself!). Instead of tying yourself up in knots, you want to sort out the issue still, even though this woman has NOT been pleasant at all, you're clear that you overall do like her, just not one aspect of her personality. Fair play.

Regarding the play date and checking people's houses ... I'm just about it all. I know absolutely NOBODY that would do this where I am, and I've 3 kids ... it wouldn't even cross my mind. I work full-time now, so it's hard to organise playdates (either someone taking my kids, or doing it in reverse, just logistics / pick ups) but I try to do it about once every 6 weeks for one or other of my younger kids, at weekends. When my kids were smaller and playdates more frequent, I was just so thrilled anyone was taking them for any period of time, it wouldn't have crossed my mind to want to check their house.

And I just don't get that - I mean, anybody who invited him was a parent of a child in the school, broadly like myself (tho I live in a quite affluent area but am decidedly NOT so, so have a house that's much smaller and nothing fancy (but fine for me), compared with some of the near mansions my sons' pals live in) and seemed to be doing an ok job of keeping their own child in one piece. What on earth could happen to them in 2 or 3 hours? They aren't going to care about the state of their toilet, I certainly don't. I can't understand any of the points about having to check someone's house.

(On the other hand, I am very OTT about this and really have to work on myself not to have a sparkling house before a gang of 10 year olds come over to play. Totally nuts on my part ).

Will be checking back later for the update OP!

I think the kids relationship is what matters. Lots of kids have parents with views that will differ from yours but the kid isn’t necessarily going to have the same views when he’s old enough. And who knows what state the house was in. Might have had really bad vibes. I can often sense when there are hard drugs in a house and they can be a new level of filthy. Or can look fine but still give off this weird energy. But whatever the issue it’s really punishing the child.

I’d have told her that he was very welcome to come and play and then avoid any of her attempts to get into my house before the play date.
She’s made herself look the fool or caused herself to have a difficult conversation at that,point. As it stands she’s going to make you out to be the bad guy.

Well me managed to talk it out earlier when I saw her at the activity and we have a come to a dead end really.

We dropped the children off and I asked if we could go for a drink in a cafe down the road to try and clear the air.

I told her that the fact she had rejected the last two offers I made to have her son over for tea made me think that she must have a problem sending him to mine without prior approval, just like how she had said on that occasion a few months ago, where she said he couldn’t come to my house because she hadn’t seen my house herself first.

She couldn’t argue with the fact she had said that to me and so she told me that she just likes to know where her child is going and who he will be with.

I said that she knows where I live and she has known me and my husband for 18 months so why isn’t that enough for her?

She said that she has to see the inside of a house before she lets her son go there so she can make sure it isn’t dirty and that she needs to know the state a house is in before she will leave her son there.

She said that she knows no harm will come to her son in my care based on who I am as a person, but that she can’t send him somewhere where she hasn’t seen what the rooms inside of the house are like.

She then started talking to me about the tour of her house that she gave me and so she couldn’t understand why I wasn’t prepared to do the same to allow her son to come over.

I told her that the tour she’d given me had been so unnecessary and if anything it had just made me feel very uncomfortable and that if she is expecting me to do the same then it isn’t something I am prepared to do.

I asked her what it was she was expecting to find in my house that would make it unsuitable for her son and she just said that it’s not about “looking for things” but is to ensure she isn’t leaving her son anywhere that may be dirty.

I told her that her son was always welcome around mine but that I was not prepared to let her look around my house to judge it’s cleanliness in order to facilitate it.

She then said fine, I will just tell Bob that he won’t be allowed to come over. I then said that if that was her decision on the matter then I accept it and could we just agree to disagree and move on.

She didn’t look very happy about the outcome but if she had been hoping that I would back down and give her all open access to my home then she was obviously disappointed.

It’s a shame we couldn’t come to a mutual arrangement but she wants something from me that I don’t feel is appropriate to give.

YANBU - you did well to tell her the truth. It's not normal behaviour at all.

If I were you I would invite her ds round with some of other boys. Don't tidy for her, leave the house as you would normally, and if she doesn't like it she will be the one excluding her son from the playdates. That way you force her to take responsibility.

I feel sorry for her ds. If she doesn't calm down and take people as she finds them her son will have a very limited and lonely childhood.

Just read your update - I'm not sure there is anything else you can do. I wouldn't let anyone tour my house in order to give approval either so fully understand. Unfortunately for her ds, he will miss out on a lot.

Hopefully she will think things over and learn some common sense.

She sounds totally nutty.

Bravo, Queen!

I must admit, when DS was this age, I (and practically every mum I knew) used to invite the mum as well as the child round for the first play date. Just because I wanted the mum (or dad) to feel happy that I would look after their child and that there wasn't something like a huge dog next door that escaped into our garden or no back gate so the kids could get out into the road. I just felt it made them feel I had nothing to hide.

But I'd be very reluctant to do that if I thought the parent was poking about my bathroom or whatever.

I think the problem is that the mum has set herself up for this. What is she going to do if the house doesn't pass muster? Refuse to let her DS go around? Which then lets the OP know that the house isn't good enough. If you're going to think like that then have the common sense to keep it to yourself and say something like 'I'll drop him round' rather than saying a home has to be good enough.

She'd have hated the house I grew up in - mould on the bedroom wall and an outside loo! Still nice people though.

Tbh I would have invited the boy, then if she had said anything about coming over to inspect i would have told her no. But not really sure what would be right in this situation. Hopefully she has a think and comes to you.

YANBU.

There is a world of difference between wanting your child to be safe and commenting on whether the carpets or walls were spotless and she has been very clear on which this is.

Well done you for your honesty.

The only mystery here is why 8 people think her behaviour is any way appropriate and it's pretty clear who they are by the ridiculous whataboutery they are offering the way of excuses.... we see you.

BTW even when I invited the parents over for a cuppa they never got a tour. I've only been upstairs in a friend's house once and that was to get my son who was playing up. He and his friend have been friends for 11 years.

I've only ever been given the tour once. By someone who wanted to point out the antique bed and a cinema room they'd built on the side of the house! I wondered if I should show them my DVD collection (closest we get to a cinema in our place)....

You are acting like a5 year old. You either like her or you don’t.

She sounds a bit judgy but you should have picked her up on the house comment at the time, maybe in a light hearted way “that’s sounds a bit harsh hah ha”. But instead you let it go k. And now you are being a bit of a tit and it’s Impacting the kids.

I admire you for being honest and forthright with her. She will now know that there are consequences to the things she spouts off to other moms.

I am full of admiration for that woman who sticks to her principles. Completely normal to check a house before leaving your kid, and not being bullied into making her feel she is not normal. That's what everybody I know would do.

I hope the OP is going to stop cornering her and bullying her when she has clearly expressed what she is uncomfortable with. You don't agree, you don't like her? You don't have to, and I guess you won't stop gossiping about her anyway.

and are there consequences for bitching about people on a public forum and to other school mums?

Just asking....

You know, I think she has a point. Not about being worried about carpet stains, but we should really know what situation we are putting our children in. We never really know what's going on behind closed doors, and just because we might know someone socially for 13 months doesnt mean they might not be an axe murderer at home!!! I was shocked a few times when I let my child go for sleepovers at other houses when I thought the parent was ok, to find out afterwards from my child things that have happened there. There is a thread going on at the moment about what things shocked you when at a friends house.

Inviting a parent in so they could satisfy themselves their child would be okay was totally normal when mine were that age (about 5 years ago). At 5 I went into every home my child visited and I asked every parent in to mine. I stopped when they were 7ish as their memory and sense of what was right and wrong seemed to have improved vastly and it seemed more reasonable to be able to rely on them to tell me if things seemed wrong to some extent (though that will never be a perfect system). But I would be particularly wary of a mum I had known for 18 months, had invited back to mine multiple times but who seemed to avoid inviting me to her house - that sort of seems like someone with something to hide.

I understand not liking her as a person and finding her snobbishness annoying. She doesn't sound nice but checking out where your child is going to be spending time is totally normal at that age. Perhaps a conversation with her about how off putting her judgment is rather than avoiding asking her DC over and then just confronting her with your decision would have been a better way to try and resolve it. But I think I would have just sucked up the judgment for the sake of my DC having one of their friends round to play. After all, it doesn't really matter what she thinks of you, does it? It's not like you value her opinions, do you?

Well done for being direct.

I might have added that her son is very welcome to come over if she's prepared to take you as you are. He is just a 5 year old kid and I can imagine it's quite upsetting for him if they're all friends - though completely understand your POV.

So she definitely wanted a tour of your house. Her son can't be going to many play dates at all.

@Teaandcake1000 OP isn't the one being a tit nor acting like a five-year-old, she's setting boundaries, what Other Mum wants is very invasive, there is no need to inspect every room of someone's house. Why is the onus on OP to back down and let Other Mum snoop around her house, why is it OP that is impacting the children and not the Other Mum? I'm not sure if you missed this life lesson, but people are entirely capable of liking someone but disagreeing with their view on something.
The mentality that you either like someone, agree with every thing they say and let them walk all over you, or you disagree with some of their views and that means you must dislike them is the only five-year-old thinking here...

Just saw your update OP - fair play to you. It seems very strange.

@JosefKeller OP is sticking to her principles, too. Other Mum cornered OP in the playground and asked why her son hadn't been invited to OP's. Both parents are at a stalemate, both have opposing views on the matter. No there's nothing wrong with checking a house is safe for your child, but checking every room is a line that some people prefer not to be crossed, both parents have boundaries they aren't willing to compromise on, what exactly is the difference there?

Good for you OP for not bullshitting round the issue. My house is pretty acceptable but I would certainly not be letting other parents nosy round to assess. This is my sanctuary, not an object of judgment or gossip! 👏 👏