To not invite this boy over for play dates because of his mother.

[QueenofmyPrinces]

My son is five years old, in Year 1 at school and he has five good friends. All of us moms get on well too.

Our sons do various activities together (sports and other things), we all go on group trips our together and maybe once a month us moms go out together to socialise child-free.

Anyhow, one of the mothers is lovely but quite materialistic (and likes to show off about things) and about six months ago I was round her house with my son as we were preparing to take the boys swimming and she told me that she doesn’t let her son go to anyone’s house (for a play date) unless she has been inside the house herself and looked around it to make sure it’s suitable for her son to spend time there. She told me a tale about one house she’d been in and there were some stains on the carpet and that the bathroom hadn’t looked like it had been cleaned recently and so she wouldn’t let her son go there even though he was really good friends with the woman’s daughter.

I have never invited her son to my house for this reason. He is the only one out of my son’s friends that I haven’t had over to play.

Of the four other friends, this week I have two of the boys coming over after school and next week the other two boys are coming over.

The woman in question cornered me in the school playground this morning and said she felt very hurt that I was excluding her son from the play dates.

Rather than skirt around the issue I told her that if she was only going to allow her son to come and play depending on her judgment of the quality of my house, as opposed to how long she and I have known each other (18 months) and how well our boys get on, then it wasn’t something I wanted to be involved in. I was polite to her about it but I still wanted her to know how uncomfortable I felt about her judgements of others.

She looked furious and stormed off.

But I’m not BU am I ?

Ok, I feel bad that her son isn’t getting invited round when the rest of the boys are, but why should I allow her into my house purely so she can look around it and make an assessment as to whether it’s suitable enough for her son to be in?

That’s not normal behaviour is it?!

"She told me that she didn’t want to see inside my house just to make judgements and that I was wrong to assume that. I said that the impression she gave to me was that she likes to assess how clean a house is before she’d let her son be left there, and that I felt hurt she’d still hold that attitude towards me after 18 months of knowing each other. She got a bit snappy and defensive and told me I had got it all wrong."

So why DOES she need to see it then? If shes not looking for that, whats she looking for?

I can’t be doing with animosity and second guessing each other etc etc I would rather us just talk about the miscommunication (if there is one) and sort it out for good
Good move it's amazing how we can get the wrong end of the stick by putting interpretation on things did or done that was miles away from its intended meaning and then drawing assumptions from it.

Hopefully you can clear the air once and for all, that is if she's bothered as she might have already decided that being friendly with you is not worth it.

Love, your other friends who know her think it’s odd/rude/off to vet your houses.

Your h can’t stand her.

You have not got the wrong end of the stick and you know it.

She’s said she’s upset you hadn’t invited her ds, you told her because she’s said she hasn’t checked your home is suitable yet (having been gossipy and judgmental about someone else’s house) and you’re not prepared to be put under inspection by someone who isn’t discreet.

It’s your home, your rules and you aren’t going to extend an invitation to someone who’s not there to visit, but to snoop and judge.

She’s stated her boundaries, you’re stating yours. She can do whatever works for her, but she has to expect that others will do what suits them.

I’d drop her completely tbh, she’s not prepared to respect your decisions and keeps trying to tell you that you’re wrong when you are not bending to her will.

It's still hypocritical to accept invitations.

If you don't like someone, you don't have to "socialise" with them, you can be polite and leave it there.

You can't accept invitations to their house, try to engage on the school run or at activities because you can't handle being alone and you need a comfort person, but refuse to invite them to your place because they are not good enough for you - by judging her and putting her down you are being superior.

That's being even more rude than you pretend she is.

" I said that the impression she gave to me was that she likes to assess how clean a house is before she’d let her son be left there, and that I felt hurt she’d still hold that attitude towards me after 18 months of knowing each other. She got a bit snappy and defensive and told me I had got it all wrong."

Yes, as StormTreader says, what OTHER reason did she give for her refusal to allow her son to enter your home before she'd given it the official inspection?
It's all very well to tell you that "you've got it all wrong" but unless she has a valid alternative reason, then chances are you have got it exactly right and she's just pissed off that you've pulled her up on it!

And she STILL hasn't allowed her son to come to your home, despite repeated invitations, so all the whingers going on about you "excluding" him are having reading comprehension troubles.

I hope you do clear it up with her but it's either going to end up with you having to let her in to your home to get past this blockade, or her refusing to have anything to do with you again, which would STILL be her fault that her son's social circle would have shrunk.

My house is fab, and I’m happy for friends to drop in and visit me, but if they were dropping in to get gossip fodder... they could ftfo

But I’m a mum of a teen, I’ve whittled out the 2-faced/pretentious or up themselves parents over the years and the only “mum friends” I have are women who have known me now for 10 years, through all the bad and now the good.

School throws people together who would never ordinarily meet in a million years - and for good reason!

You don’t have to be friends with any of these people, you certainly don’t have to set yourself to be judged and potentially gossiped about!

OH give over, JosefKeller - you're just taking made-up digs at the OP for no good reason now. I don't know why you have such a bee in your bonnet about her, but you're coming out of this looking like a fucking bully.

JosefKeller Thu 16-Jan-20 12:32:42
Isn’t this woman being hypocritical for confronting OP about this but none of the other richer women who don’t invite her son to play dates? Why is she picking on OP?

Well yes, when you only question one woman out of 4 as to why your son is not invited, then you are picking on that reason.

*on that person

*ThumbWitchesAbroad

a bully? Because I question someone who has A LOT to say against someone but is still happy to accept invitations to their home?

If that is not hypocritical, what is. Touched a nerve with you, did I ?

Nope, no nerve here - you're picking on the OP for absolute made up shit now, like this:

"...try to engage on the school run or at activities because you can't handle being alone and you need a comfort person, but refuse to invite them to your place because they are not good enough for you - by judging her and putting her down you are being superior."

Why the fuck would you even suggest that the OP "can't handle being alone and needs a comfort person" if you're not just having a go?
THAT's the bullying.

I wouldn’t stand for this either. I don’t have anyone but my most trusted 2-3 people in my house. It’s cluttered, and fairly messy. I have 3 cats and 2 indoor ferrets. It’s clean, kitchen antibacced and tidied (ish!) daily. Bathroom deep cleaned weekly and spot cleaned as and when. Hoovered as often as I can. There are some pesky stains on the carpet that won’t come out. Washing EVERYWHERE! No matter how hard I try to clear it all, more turns up!!

I couldn’t bear the thought of anyone coming in to my home who might judge me, I just wouldn’t put myself in that position.

@JosefKeller

She asked why her son was left out apparently, and the OP did say she specifically refused to invite the child.

OP offered to take home the boy after school for a play date and tea. The woman said no, telling her son in front of OP “Not tonight Bob, mommy hasn’t seen the house yet so I can’t let you go there, you know that.”

OP offered to take boy out on an activity with her dc and then home to tea. The woman said no.

What more do you want OP do? Flagellate herself on this woman’s pristine carpets?

Jeeeeez QueenofmyPrinces you have the patience of a saint...in RL and on MN 😵

She didn’t speak to me again in the playground after school. Thankfully she was acting her normal self with everyone else so nobody picked up on the fact that something was ‘going on’ between us.

She can’t avoid me tonight though at the activity our sons do so I will just speak to her about it all then.

The only reason she is ignoring you OP is because she has been "caught out" and is mortified as she should be. That is her problem - not yours. If she continues this BS tonight I would have to call her out on it as I just couldn't let something like this fester especially when you have so much going on together (with your kids). Nobody wins.

With friends like you OP, who needs enemies ?

She’s clearly upset. Perhaps that’s why she’s been “ off” with you. Your disdain for her drips from each post. I can’t imagine she’s not picked up on this in person after your little “chat” with her.

Maybe she thought you were friends, she had invited you to her home etc... Now she’s learned she’s not considered a friend or welcome in your home and that you have some horrible opinions of her despite being nice to her face and going to her house on more than one occasion (she’s not the only rude, two faced back stabber here in my opinion).

I’d also question your pejorative use of the word “inspect”. Has she really used that term, or simply said she wants to check on people’s houses to make sure the homes are safe etc... I doubt it’s the term she used, rather one you inferred, as people don’t actually speak like that. Do you really think she’s preventing her child from going on play dates because she’s so nosy she’s using him as a way to gain access to your house ? Or perhaps she genuinely wants to make sure he’s safe, whether you think that’s overkill or not.

At the end of the day, it’s your house - invite who you like. But it doesn’t change the fact you took the first step in not only deciding not to invite her child without knowing for definite that she wouldn’t let him come to you (she said that after you’d already let rip at her and issued your late invite), but having a go at her over it. I don’t care how nicely you think you put it, you’ve excluded this boy and hurt both him and her.

If I were her I’d be avoiding you and trying to encourage my son away from your child, as who knows what kind of behaviour he’s learning from you. Which is such a shame as you’ve also probably lost your son one of his friends, as well as hurting a child and his mother.

You asked if YWBU. There’s a vote. Most seem to agree with you (I clearly dont) but I can’t help but wonder how many responders were influenced by your clearly biased account of what was said.

Yes @cstaff - Badger and bully the poor woman. Great idea.

The OP said her piece. Even if it was justified this woman is allowed to be upset and lick her wounds. Why not leave her alone to get on with it instead of baying for blood.

ThumbWitchesAbroad
you should check the definition of the word "bullying", it doesn't mean having a different opinion.... HTH

How do you feel about the other mums @JosefKeller? As they have also excluded the boy. Or is it just the OP you are irrationally triggered by?!

I don't feel anything FilthyforFirth, I only know what the OP has written. Show me a thread written by one of the other mums and I'll have an opinion.

this has made me laugh out loud... well done OP.. she backed into a corner made by her own actions... how dare she feel she can be judge and jury of your home.. stick to your guns.. she can do one sweetheart...

One thing posters seem to have dismissed is the fact that the discussion about having a look at people's house (which is quite a bit milder than 'inspecting') following a bad experience was 6 MONTHS ago.

Maybe, just maybe, she said that then, had totally forgotten about it and actually would have been fine with her boy going to OP's house after she got to know OP better in the following 6 months. Yet OP hold her up to a conversation they had 6 months ago in passing. I find this really odd behaviour to hold someone up for something they said many months back.

And are you saying that all your joint friends are refusing to invite her son too because of something she told you 6 months ago? That had nothing to do with you personally?

I think it's difficult but I think you're going to have to work something out for yourselves. I think if you push them you could end up with a very strained relationship and they will be awkward and obstinate. Its a real nuisance but neither of you own the road or can control the other. If you can work your own solution you'll help yourself more in the long run.

but to clarify FilthyforFirth the OP refuses to have that woman around because she feels she would be judged and gossiped about...

which is exactly what she is doing - going to her house, judging her and gossiping about her with other "friends" and on a public forum...

can't you see where I am coming from?