To not invite this boy over for play dates because of his mother.

[QueenofmyPrinces]

My son is five years old, in Year 1 at school and he has five good friends. All of us moms get on well too.

Our sons do various activities together (sports and other things), we all go on group trips our together and maybe once a month us moms go out together to socialise child-free.

Anyhow, one of the mothers is lovely but quite materialistic (and likes to show off about things) and about six months ago I was round her house with my son as we were preparing to take the boys swimming and she told me that she doesn’t let her son go to anyone’s house (for a play date) unless she has been inside the house herself and looked around it to make sure it’s suitable for her son to spend time there. She told me a tale about one house she’d been in and there were some stains on the carpet and that the bathroom hadn’t looked like it had been cleaned recently and so she wouldn’t let her son go there even though he was really good friends with the woman’s daughter.

I have never invited her son to my house for this reason. He is the only one out of my son’s friends that I haven’t had over to play.

Of the four other friends, this week I have two of the boys coming over after school and next week the other two boys are coming over.

The woman in question cornered me in the school playground this morning and said she felt very hurt that I was excluding her son from the play dates.

Rather than skirt around the issue I told her that if she was only going to allow her son to come and play depending on her judgment of the quality of my house, as opposed to how long she and I have known each other (18 months) and how well our boys get on, then it wasn’t something I wanted to be involved in. I was polite to her about it but I still wanted her to know how uncomfortable I felt about her judgements of others.

She looked furious and stormed off.

But I’m not BU am I ?

Ok, I feel bad that her son isn’t getting invited round when the rest of the boys are, but why should I allow her into my house purely so she can look around it and make an assessment as to whether it’s suitable enough for her son to be in?

That’s not normal behaviour is it?!

My house is FAR from perfect.

Hence that being the issue. I won’t have her coming in here, judging it and then gossiping about it to other people.

She obviously thinks there’s something bad about my living environment and so doesn’t want her son coming here - and that’s fine, that’s her choice. I however am not letting her in to snoop around so she can decide if it’s a suitable environment for her child to be in and then gossip about it to others if she deems my house not good enough.

I’m so tempted to just text her and ask her what it is about my home that concerns her enough to not feel comfortable about letting her son come here. I just don’t know what it is that she is expecting to find?!

Argh OP, she’s now got to you.

This whole thing isn’t about whether your home is clean or not, I’m sure it’s not a hovel, it’s about the fact that she’s inspecting and judging which is bad enough tbh, but kinda ok if she keeps it to herself

You know however she doesn’t.

She’s known you and your h for 18m, and yes that ought to be enough. The fact that other mums send their kids round to you, she could even ASK them if she’s unsure, but no, she’s actually said in front of you that until she’s had the chance to see that your home is acceptable that he won’t be going over there.

What exactly makes you think your home FAR from perfect?

Sheesh, I didn’t even encounter this level of crazy when I was a single parent 😂

What exactly makes you think your home FAR from perfect?

Well perfection = tidy and spotless in her mind, and my house is definitely not like that.

Things that I would consider as just being part of a normal family house with two young children would probably be classed as “messy and unacceptable” to her. I’m not embarrassed of my home and I’m not letting her come in and make me feel like I should be. To be honest though, she’s already makes me like I should be and she hasn’t even stepped inside yet.

I think if she is as materialistic as you say, she just wants to check that you don't have nicer things then her so she can feel "superior"

Tellmetruth4 I'm no more invested than anyone else is who wastes their time on MN instead of doing more productive things. Merely expressing an opinion, as everyone does, or they wouldn't be posting on here.

Things that I would consider as just being part of a normal family house with two young children

why do you think your house has to be the standard for everybody else?

why do you think your house has to be the standard for everybody else?

I don’t, but she does. Hence why a house with a stain on means the house isn’t suitable for her son to be in. Her house is immaculate and I imagine she thinks everyone else’s house should be the same as hers, and if it isn’t then it isn’t good enough for her son.

she just wants to check that you don't have nicer things then her so she can feel "superior"

She already knows I can’t afford nice things like she can, I’m pretty sure she already considers herself superior to me hence why she loves telling me about and showing me all the nice new things she has.

I’m not letting my less than perfect house (in her eyes) be another way for her to make me feel like I am inferior to her.

She didn’t even speak to me in the school playground this morning. I smiled at her as I approached the classroom and she turned her back on me, took her son into the classroom and then left. We normally walk back from the school together because we live so close to each other but she couldn’t get away from me quick enough today.

She didn’t even speak to me in the school playground this morning.
good for her.

Do you realise how hypocritical the whole thing sound? you don't like her, absolutely fine, but you still go to her house to bitch about her "showing off". No one forced you to put up with that, you chose to.

She, reasonably, doesn't leave her 5 year old without going in the house herself, and you are making a massive deal out of it.

You don't like her, she is allegedly a pretentious show-off, you still want to spend time with her, makes no sense, you can't have it both ways.

As expected, and highlighted by a number of posters here, she confirmed that you got it all wrong and misinterpreted what you said. Yet you still insist that you know better than her what her intentions were.

She is probably being evasive with you know because you offended her with your assumptions that it was personal.

Just read she didn't speak to you this morning. What a surprise! I don't blame her.

TBH I think that she was embarrassed that she was caught out with her ridiculous carry on having to inspect houses. Maybe she will come around, maybe not but she is the one who has caused this problem in insisting on house inspections before letting her child into a house, and bear in mind we are not talking about just checking that the house is an absolute tip - we are talking about not letting her child in because of a stain on the carpet. That is way over the top.

I think that she did not like being called on it by the OP. And the sad part is it is the child that will lose out and it will be the mother's fault.

I also think she is embarrassed and will avoid you for the meantime. I don't think you were rude at all, you were honest. I bet she isn't use to people being honest with her. You've done nothing wrong, be polite and civil when you see her and leave it now.

She didn’t even speak to me in the school playground this morning. I smiled at her as I approached the classroom and she turned her back on me, took her son into the classroom and then left. We normally walk back from the school together because we live so close to each other but she couldn’t get away from me quick enough today.

Quite frankly I would have done the same. You’ve shown your true colours by punishing her child over a misunderstanding that you still refuse to acknowledge.

I don’t think she was embarrassed. She obviously thinks you’re a friend if she was comfortable enough to ask you to lend her your car and she assumed you felt the same way about her since you did lend her your car.

Imagine she’s been blindsided by your two-faced personna and is shocked to realise not only do you have a low opinion of her, you bitch about her in real life and on the Internet.

Just because she told me that I had been wrong, that doesn’t mean I was

It's not embarrassment. She never said anything about inspecting OPs house, she mentioned liking to see a house before leaving her kid there after a bad experience.

OP put 2 and 2 together and made it 5 because she seems to suffer from an inferiority complex and is assuming this woman think she is better than her. Refuses to consider that she could have totally misinterpreted what this mum was trying to convey.

Who wants a friend like this who think they know better than you what you mean to say!

@JosefKeller

Do you realise how hypocritical the whole thing sound? you don't like her, absolutely fine, but you still go to her house to bitch about her "showing off". No one forced you to put up with that, you chose to.

Isn’t this woman being hypocritical for confronting OP about this but none of the other richer women who don’t invite her son to play dates? Why is she picking on OP?

I’m just going to ask her tonight. All these varied replies have shown me that my view of her stance was completely right, or that I was completely wrong.

To’ing and fro’ing over the matter online isn’t going to lead to any resolution on the matter because I can only clear the air by talking to her about it and us both just being open with each other.

I can’t be doing with animosity and second guessing each other etc etc I would rather us just talk about the miscommunication (if there is one) and sort it out for good.

We have to spend a lot of time with each other via the children so I don’t want any awkwardness or for there to be any divide amongst us all.

I think you've handled this really well OP. And probably have a good measure of her.
My DS is in reception & the issue of going over friend's houses is on the horizon. As you say OP my concern would be the people rather than the house. If you know the people are safe enough to be around then for me the house is safe enough to be around.
I would hate to be judged on the cleanliness of my house. I'm quite messy. Sadly due to this fear of being judged I don't really have people to my house much

Isn’t this woman being hypocritical for confronting OP about this but none of the other richer women who don’t invite her son to play dates? Why is she picking on OP?

I must have missed where she was picking on the OP... She asked why her son was left out apparently, and the OP did say she specifically refused to invite the child.

I am impressed by a mother who does query it when most who just put up with it silently.

I am guessing she bugged your car and you have since mentioned her in a non flattering terms to your dh....
She is now raging you dared to!
Odd how your car and generosity were up to scratch...

I am guessing she bugged your car and you have since mentioned her in a non flattering terms to your dh....She is now raging you dared to! Odd how your car and generosity were up to scratch...

If anything I’m always bigging her up to DH as he really can’t stand her and I’m trying to alter his opinion of her. He said he couldn’t believe I would lend her my car, but I genuinely just wanted to help her out.

Yes she has some annoying qualities - don’t we all - but she certainly isn’t an unpleasant person. I know some posters refuse to believe it, but apart from her materialism, I do like her.

I'm behind you op, those saying you're punishing a little boy are wrong, she is the one doing that. Sadly whatever her reasons, be them judgement or ocd/anxiety she isnt prepared to capitulate. Why should you, to appease her?

I'd feel judged too.. if she wants her ds to get invited now she knows the reason he isnt then she needs to compromise. I don't see why her needs and wishes trump hers.

Yours obviously