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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

catcalled and groped every time I go out

305 replies

DuploTower · 15/01/2020 09:29

Aibu reasonable to be suspicious of women who claim to be catcalled and groped every time they go out?

Or am I just too old and unattractive to know what that's like and that it does happen.

I'm certainly not saying it never happens. And if someone finds it uncomfortable or intimidating it's not OK.

But every time you go out?

Is it a bit of a stealth brag?

They must be exaggerating.

Aibu?

OP posts:
BrendasUmbrella · 15/01/2020 13:18

I don't know about now. But I used to get that treatment. Including after I gave birth for the first time. The first time I took my baby for a walk a man pinched my bum. When I took him to get his name registered (another thread brought this memory back) someone was trying to get my number while I was holding my 5 and a bit week old baby.

I would never have seen recounting those things as a stealth brag. It was awful. I also don't think you have to be conventionally stunning. Some men do these things out of genuine admiration, some because they're indiscriminate when horny, others do it as a power game or to show off to other men. Now I'm two decades older and 6 dress sizes bigger, I'm pretty much invisible when I'm out and much happier for it.

NotVeryChattySchoolMum · 15/01/2020 13:22

I do have a close friend who's...how do I say...model-like when it comes to looks, but pretty inconspicious fashion-wise - jeans and T-shirt.

I sometimes go out in London with her and the amount of attention she gets in the streets is frankly nuts. I can attest to it. It's pretty stressful and she rarely goes home alone at night. Had been also groped on three occasions. Not a daily occurence but even once is too much.

I have never experienced it myself though. Makes me think the nutjobs go for certain looks.

NeckPainChairSearch · 15/01/2020 13:24

I agree it’s men asserting their dominance (and also a certain type of man - ie. - a bit thick shall we say?)

To be honest, some of my worse experiences have been with very intelligent, successful alpha-male types. But then, they're the ones that I've spent my life around I suppose, now I think about it.

Tunnocks34 · 15/01/2020 13:25

I am not cat called every time I go out, but I am cat called regularly and it’s disgusting. It happened just before Christmas when I was pushing my baby in a pram.

I’m not exceptionally good looking either.

UYScuti · 15/01/2020 13:25

Many men just see women as territory to dominate and exploit

bananamonkey · 15/01/2020 13:26

Loads when I was in teens and early 20s and I’ve never been attractive (not that that has anything to do with it but I imagine it’s worse if you are). Back then I lived in major cities, walked a lot and used public transport a lot which I think are the target environments as well. The worst was when you ignored them and the comment turned nasty, everyone in the street would stare but no one intervened, so humiliating and shows it’s all about power and attention. I think “good” men just think “not my problem” and they don’t want to get involved with some potentially violent dickhead.

Only ever groped in crowded pubs/ nightclubs but it was the norm every single time you went out. It happened once on the street in Paris, there was a large group of men standing around the metro exit literally grabbing women’s arms as they came out, I was with my boyfriend at the time and was still harrassed it was terrifying.

tellmewhenthespaceshiplandscoz · 15/01/2020 13:26

I too would love to read these posts where women claim to be catcalled and/or groped every time they leave the house (but suspect they don't exit). Please can you show us some OP?

A different way of looking at it is whilst it may not happen to them every day, there's a shocking statistic (apologies, I can't remember the number) of how often school girls, in uniform, receive sexual advances and comments from men (who may be the husbands, partners, brothers, fathers and sons of many a MNer).If a man does this just once to one school girl, that's unacceptable.

This thread reminds me a bit of a recent one where some posters were seemed convinced that because Bad Things perpetrated by men hadn't happened to them, then it really wasn't an issue Confused

SpaceCadet4000 · 15/01/2020 13:27

Through my teens and 20's I experienced catcalling incredibly regularly, sometimes daily. Groping less so but I have been groped on a couple of occasions and it was horrible. I think being able to walk down a street and not be harassed is the very least we should be able to expect from society.

YABU.

Greenwingmemories · 15/01/2020 13:32

It never happened to me when older people were around, so why would you assume it didn't happen OP. It happened enough to me to really bother me and I wasn't that good looking and certainly didn't dress sexually.

I haven't met anyone ever who enjoyed it or encouraged it, that's a myth propagated by the guys that perpetrate it. Why would anyone lie about it?

YABVU.

Greenwingmemories · 15/01/2020 13:34

Also, why the hell does it bother you enough to start a thread about it? Weird.

tellmewhenthespaceshiplandscoz · 15/01/2020 13:35

Definitely an odd thread.

Kit19 · 15/01/2020 13:37

Used to happen to me all the time between 14 to around 40. Apparently I have large tits which I would never have known if so many men hadn’t told me as I went out my daily life 🙄 also groped at train stations, in pubs and on the beach

It’s annoying and sometimes scary and if you think it’s a stealth brag OP you have issues

NotVeryChattySchoolMum · 15/01/2020 13:44

I am 35, have only ever lived in big cities and never experienced any of it even once. Not overweight, looks on pleasant girly side, not wow- or conventionally attractive. I've been told I look like Lacey Turner. But still none of bad stuff.

However with my friend it's different story - and it's stressful. You'd appreciate being able to walk in peace and not having to think about personal safety much.

ukgift2016 · 15/01/2020 13:46

YABU. It has rarely happened to me but it DOES happen.

I saw a very attractive women walking and all the men heads turned to look at her. I can imagine she gets a lot of hassle from the more, boisterous men. I like being invisible, I couldn't imagine having people constantly look at you and people crude comments.

YesAnastasia · 15/01/2020 13:47

I'd be inclined to believe someone if they said it happened. Slippery slope there imo.

How is that a brag?

I used to walk to work and back every day when I was younger and yes, I was cat called every single day and not just once, multiple times there and back. Genuinely. Every day. Never groped but in that situation, it was from men in cars on the busy main road I had to walk down then men in the city centre.

Once, a man was staring at me and trying to get my attention (not cat calling this time) and he crashed his car. It was really embarrassing and he was mad with me. Guilty of being young and blonde (VERY average looking but you can't see that from driving past in a car). Turned out it was the boyfriend of a girl I worked with and she was a bit miffed with me too (nice girl though, I do get it). Obviously, not my fault but so indicative of the way it is viewed by men and society. Not my fault and not a brag.

StrangeLookingParasite · 15/01/2020 13:47

That's me told.

Good.

Brefugee · 15/01/2020 13:48

Harvey, is that you?

YesAnastasia · 15/01/2020 13:51

Problem is as well - I was assaulted by a man for turning him down when I was 18 so I was never brave enough to give them the finger or indicate that I wasn't happy with it. I was scared of pissing them off.
Vicious cycle Isn't it?

UpfieldHatesWomen · 15/01/2020 13:54

When it's football season it's a lot worse, I find. It's all about men showing off in front of each other. There'll be a pack of them walking down the street pissed up after a match, and you see the little cogs whirring around in their heads as they look you up and down and try to think of something oh so original to say. They must surely know how intimidating it is for a lone woman to have her path filled with a pack of men leering at her, but they don't care, in their eyes you only exist for their entertainment. I imagine there is less street harassment in posher areas and perhaps OP has led a bit of a sheltered life because of that, could be wrong.

SecretWitch · 15/01/2020 13:56

I am 54, on crutches and walk with a pronounced limp. I was standing by my car getting my shopping when two young men pulled up next to me. I could hear them whispering and laughing. I knew something was up. I was just getting in my car when one leaned out the window and said “ How would you like my dick in your face?”.

My sweet lovely 21 yr old daughter has been verbally assaulted by men since the age of 13.

I wonder what these blokes would feel like if they saw the same things happen to their mothers, sisters or girl friends.

Shaminon · 15/01/2020 14:00

A brag??

I'm a middle aged woman of firmly average attractiveness. Once I took my wedding ring off post divorce I was factually speaking 'hit on' every where I went , including when my DC were with me. I realised if I put a ring on my wedding finger this stopped pretty much immediately.

It's men chancing their luck for a shag- it's gross and disrespectful and I feel sorry for young women who have to endlessly go through this.

Shaminon · 15/01/2020 14:05

And I don't know if I've suddenly in middle age hit heights of attractiveness that I hitherto was unaware of - but this was not a problem in my 20s pre marriage. I can only think that now men think this kind of behaviour might end in sex or that a rapey, patriarchal culture has progressed to this point in 15 years.

PlomBear · 15/01/2020 14:06

I tried to explain this to DH and he didn’t understand as it’s never happened to him. He is absolutely lovely and would never do this. But so many men who are husbands/boyfriends/sons/uncles/fathers/brothers DO harass women.

SummerPavillion · 15/01/2020 14:13

I'm glad this thread happened so women can see they're not alone.

PlomBear do you think he didn't know because men are careful to do it in a way other men don't notice?

I really wonder why the good ones don't pull them up on it.

NearlyGranny · 15/01/2020 14:15

I, too, fondly imagined it had stopped, but I had just outgrown the parameters. I discovered this as my DDs reached puberty. It has never stopped.