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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

catcalled and groped every time I go out

305 replies

DuploTower · 15/01/2020 09:29

Aibu reasonable to be suspicious of women who claim to be catcalled and groped every time they go out?

Or am I just too old and unattractive to know what that's like and that it does happen.

I'm certainly not saying it never happens. And if someone finds it uncomfortable or intimidating it's not OK.

But every time you go out?

Is it a bit of a stealth brag?

They must be exaggerating.

Aibu?

OP posts:
Defaultuser · 15/01/2020 12:33

I was also on the receiving end of this on an almost daily basis when I was younger. The thing that infuriates me is that I think it made me change my behaviour - I was deeply uncomfortable with the attention and just wanted to shrink into the background. It makes me wonder if it then affected my confidence in group settings at work etc. It makes me really angry that we have to put up with this. I really hope things are changing but I'm not so sure.

schnubbins · 15/01/2020 12:33

As a teenager and in my twenties all the time and I mean a lot.My now husband when I met him could not believe how men would come on to me.I have had everything happen from bum groping going up an escalator to boob grabbing going down , flashing on a beach, a guy wanking on a bus beside me , cat calling , whistling, being slapped on the arse while riding my bike , being told they wished they were my ice cream and more serious incidents that I do not want to go into. I have lived in several different countries and travelled a lot and it happened everywhere I thought it was normal !I was a tall pretty girl but not by any means model material.Had my first child and it all stopped practically overnight.It was a revelation.Now im in my fifties very single beggar or down and out spots me and goes after me , no matter where i am.I must just look gullible!

UYScuti · 15/01/2020 12:33

Do they think the women like it
I don't think there's a lot of thinking going on it's just knee jerk response.

Imagine yourself out and about somewhere, you see a very good looking young lad, you might register his attractiveness and think 'my goodness he's handsome' or something like that, what would make you cross the line and shout something at him, can you imagine yourself being predatory and enjoying his discomfort at being ogled by a 50-year old woman?

Greta1985 · 15/01/2020 12:34

Loving the women fighting back, will sign the petition. When I was a teacher (before the me too movement) a male student grabbed my arse in class. School didn’t support me so I called the police. They took it seriously and came into school in uniform, took him out of class and gave him a serious talking to. They were male police officers and gave me hope for the future of humanity! School then pushed me out of job but it’s still the proudest moment of my life.

Loki2020 · 15/01/2020 12:35

In the Midlands as a pretty teenager (tho sure I was ugly) & up to 35 I got catcalls quite often but they felt friendlier, mostly a quick 'hello gorgeous' & that was that

I've lived in North and South England as well and more felt like that more of the time- more being told to smile in one southern location - but I wonder if it was because I was older and appearing less vulnerable.

Though the groping on the train commute in the south never felt anything but awful.

It wasn't at all friendly as a teen in the part of the midlands I was in and I do think some of it was down to having large breasts certainly many of my friends who didn't suffered less. It also happend in front of family so it wasn't just my interpretation - and I have to say going back with young children it was equally as unpleasant.

Helmetbymidnight · 15/01/2020 12:36

i never had it very bad but my goodness i know girls/women who did.

going anywhere with my best mate was an education- she is like an asshole magnet- i have no idea why- but when we were younger it WAS constant. boob/arse grabbing/shouting etc

Greta1985 · 15/01/2020 12:36

Oh and he was definitely trying to intimidate, he’d been on a bit of a campaign against me for months. Definitely the opposite of a compliment although yes, I suppose I am bragging about scaring the little fucker into not doing it again to anyone else.

JacquesHammer · 15/01/2020 12:37

This is just going to keep happening down the generations unless something changes

The only heartening thing about DD’s worst experience was when the train staff declined to help, two boys from the local Grammar stepped up, helped DD find another seat and sat with her and her friend until they got off.

NoIDontWatchLoveIsland · 15/01/2020 12:37

I wouldn't say it's all the time but throughout my 20s I experienced a few incidents.

2 x man taking picture up my dress on the tube.
1 × man taking picture down my dress over my shoulder on tube

In both cases another passenger spotted it, was outraged and harassed the guy doing it and shoved him off train at next station

1 x man in next seat groping my thigh on tube. This one was particularly scary, it was late, I felt powerless and was terrified walking home.

A few instances of bum being groped in night clubs - maybe 1 a year.

Numerous instances of catcalling one where a young guy kerb crawled me making lewd comments.

I wouldn't say I'm especially attractive and I'm usually dressed pretty boring (I'm not a glamour type, don't wear much make up, heels or attention grabbing clothing) I was just slim, young etc.

UYScuti · 15/01/2020 12:38

It's very encouraging to know that there are good decent men who are willing to face down the bad ones

SummerPavillion · 15/01/2020 12:39

UYScuti I mean what do the decent men walking past think of it.

There seems to be zero action on their part to stop men being utter dicks to women on a regular basis. The more I ponder it, the more I think even the "good" ones don't care. It's not like they discuss what can be done amongst themselves and try to fix it do they?

SummerPavillion · 15/01/2020 12:40

x-posts! Ok some men seem willing to help.

SummerPavillion · 15/01/2020 12:41

I've never seen it happen though.

NoIDontWatchLoveIsland · 15/01/2020 12:41

Oh and I just remembered prob the worst incident- a man followed my friend and i round parc guell in barcelona, when we stopped to take some photos, quite clearly started masturbating a few metres away. I mean Shock

UYScuti · 15/01/2020 12:43

I have encountered a lot of very weird and creepy behaviour from men in the swimming pool ☹️

CheddarGorgeous · 15/01/2020 12:49

It's very unpleasant to call it a "stealth boast" and reveals some level of misogynistic thinking, or at least the inability to understand that different women have different lives and experiences depending on who they are and where they live.

I was harassed daily (and often multiple times in a day) in public when I lived in the ME.

Staysexyanddontgetmurdered · 15/01/2020 12:55

Does it really matter how often it is?! The point is once is too many times and we shouldn't have to put up with it.

Echobelly · 15/01/2020 13:04

I used to think a bit like OP. I've been groped once and cat called very occasionally so I sort of assumed other women must be exaggerating (tho never saw it as showing off) but honestly, listening to other women on social media etc, very frequent harassment and groping is a reality and I shouldn't assume it's not just because it's not really happened to me.

My guess is it didn't happen to me much because during my teens and 20s I had cropped hair, and when added to my small boobs and weirdo indie kid dress sense I just thankfully didn't register as female on the harassment radar of the kind of men who like to bother women.

I'm an old boot of 42 now, well out of danger! Grin But I do believe now that street harassment is a serious issue for many women.

Andypromqueen · 15/01/2020 13:11

Another one here who had to deal with this daily from the age of about 15. Plus terrible sexual harassment in the first job I had (male environment) when I think back now it makes me feel sick.
I’m 40 now and it’s much rarer but then I’m not in the same environment now and im not commuting to work. I think the main difference was moving to a “posh” area - i think men (and people in general) just behave better round here although there was a house being renovated down the road a couple of years ago and my 11 yr old ds got very annoyed as they kept on shouting “hello love” and whistling etc. - he told my dh and was very pissed off by it! Dh thought it was funny but it started to annoy me too and I did think about speaking to the people who lived there.

I agree it’s men asserting their dominance (and also a certain type of man - ie. - a bit thick shall we say?)

madcatladyforever · 15/01/2020 13:13

I was all the time when I was young in the 80's I was a very attractive young woman.
I'm old and fat now, it's a blessed relief that nonsense has stopped. It wears you down and I've always been asexual so I hated it.

NeckPainChairSearch · 15/01/2020 13:13

OP? Any thoughts?

Rosebel · 15/01/2020 13:14

I remember it happening on a couple of occasions in 2002 to 2005 but not every time I went out. I'm too old now but wouldn't be surprised if it does happen. But e every time they go out? No, they're making it uo.
I don't know anyone who days that anyway.

Foofedifiknow · 15/01/2020 13:16

I’m a peri- menopausal speccy munter and of course catcallers usually know better than to mess with a 40 something (in touch with her patriarchy rage) BUT even I this week had a would be cat caller. The street was pretty deserted & I had hoped my husband would already be there , and a fairly elderly builder who has a lifetime of harassment behind started his dumb spiel. So I stopped in my tracks started to follow him with a hard stare. He almost pooped his pants in fear- it’s always about attempted domination. TIMESUP on this crap.I’m teaching my daughter how not to be cowered but really it’s their generation that are teaching us! I can imagine Piers Morgan wanking on about we’re infringing male rights doing that.

Original poster
DuploTower · 15/01/2020 13:17

That's me told.

OP posts:
Notmyfirstusername · 15/01/2020 13:18

I have large breasts and a tiny waist. My breast grew in about 11 and it was every day walking to and from school or going for food at lunch. I'd be shouted at from cars, comments made whilst trying to buy sweets, even in the library. I didn't go clubbing until 17/18 and got bored by 21, so it certainly wasn't the environment, being groped on public transport was the usual place, especially when moving past them on a busy bus, or even worse sat next to them.
It was so awful that I wore baggier and baggier clothes to try and disguise it, stuck my hair under a baseball cap in summer and a woollen hat in winter. I looked so petite and young that I was id'd for the lottery in my late 20s and I was still dealing with it. I thought it was my fault as my friends didn't get it as bad.
I've even been groped and catcalled whilst pregnant. One really frightening incident was when I was followed home from a supermarket by 2 men in a car shouting stuff, I got in the house, told DH and called the police who came out and looked for the car. I couldn't drive at the time and walked everywhere, so poor DH had to drive me for the next few weeks as I was so scared.
It stopped in my mid 30s thank god, but even now, I won't wear a dress or anything other than a high neckline, even in summer. It's not a compliment or an exaggeration, it's just awful.