To think that I can have a full time job and still be an attachment parent?

[GingaNinja84]

All kicked off on my baby what’s app group. Basically I returned to work this week....couple days a week for a couple months, eventually going full time in the spring.

Mentioned this on my baby group what’s app, and another mum made a snarky comment about ‘how does it feel to be leaving all your work with attachment parenting behind?’

Am I wrong to be royally pissed by this, or is she right?

I get it. The main principles of AP imply that you’re barely supposed to be separated from your baby for those first few years. But I can’t afford that. I need to go back to work to pay bills and afford to raise my little one...and now this woman is making me feel like all of a sudden I can’t be attached to my baby any more?!

For the record....I’m still exclusively breastfeeding, babywearing, co-sleeping and everything else AP entails. I just won’t be with my little girl between 9am - 5pm Monday to Friday.

AIBU to believe I can be an attachment parent and still work full time? Or am I physiologically damaging my child by going back to work? She’s 11 months old.

Misogyny at its heart

I wholeheartedly agree with this. The implication that a Mum and Baby cannot form a secure attachment to one another unless they spend every moment (waking and sleeping) together but Dad can do as he pleases and it makes sod all difference is downright offensive.

I just want to do right by my daughter!

You are! Working to provide for your child is a vitally important part of parenting and no one has a right to make you feel guilty for that.

You can have a full time job and be an ‘attached’ parent. You can also remove yourself from a what’sapp group where other folk are dicks.

I think you can apply the principles of attachment parenting if you work. If you leave your child with another person who they can build an attachment too, you will both be applying the principles of attachment parenting (after all mums and dads can both do it, so can others). Your child can also form secure attachments with another human being including their father maybe, or a childminder and that carer can care for the child in the same way as you do.

If you read Penelope Leach she is clear on this (which is why she thinks nursery care isn't the best for young children).

Read the theories of AP and apply them - it doesn't mean one person stays with the child for its entire preschool childhood.

Everybody has an opinion. Do what works for you. It is not a religion. You don't have to follow everything prescribed (and I would imagine one expert will give a different opinion to another). How you feel and your kid feels is the most important thing. I work, my mother worked, my sister work, all have close bonds with their kids, all breast fed, Coslept, slings etc but didn't call ourselves attachment parents.

any ‘parenting’ that comes with a list of unbreakable ‘rules’ and wanky terms for perfectly normal practices i.e. ‘baby wearing’ is just a ruse to sell books

This and a thousand times this. People thought I was 'doing AP' because I carried ds in a sling, co slept, extended bf etc. I was actually just doing what felt right for both of us - he was happy, I was happy; if that had changed or we'd had different temperaments I'm sure I would have done things differently.

People are just really anxious to do it 'right' and a set of rules that promise you that you will be can feel like a godsend - and also like something solid to cling onto in the tumultuous sea of mental that is the 4th trimester/1st year.

Don't stress. You're doing what you need to do; she is loved; you are (hopefully) fulfilled at work. Solidarity to you!

DD went to nursery from 6 months. She’s still very much attached to me now she’s a teen.

Wankey labels are what dicks use to judge and put down other people not doing exactly the same as them. Drop the labels and the dickish group and carry on being a great Mum and doing what’s best for your DD AND you - ignore anyone else on that.

Stealth boasting on the other mums part.

Ooh, how does it feel to be abandoning your child to work (I don’t have to, ha ha). You terrible mother you.

How dare she.

@CurlsandCurves that's totally how it made me feel! Especially as she's a SAHM.

Absolutely no shade on SAHM's....if I could afford to do it I probably would....but she absolutely revels in it, and is constantly bragging about all the lovely things she can afford to do with her son which she knows none of us other mums could. It's so boring to listen to.

Ugh
She’s a total areshole. Block block block

AP is a theory developed by certain psychologists using evidence from hunter gatherer societies (mainly from the past but also from the very few hunter and gatherer societies still in existence). It argues that the way we bring up children only represents the last 1% of human history, prior to that, babies were brought up differently and this was better for their emotional and moral development.

Human babies are born too early (cannot be born later due to their large heads and the narrow hips of bipeds) so they need a long period of caring before they become more independent, unlike the young of other animals that are up and about within hours of birth. The evolved nest is a way those caring for children have provided this care and includes:

• naturalistic perinatal experiences
• breastfeeding
• physical contact
• responsiveness to needs, e.g. not letting cry
• playful interactions including outdoor and indoor play
• social development and family links with a community of mindful caregivers

Of these only birth and breastfeeding can only be done by the mother, the other needs can be met by other caregivers. In reality as it is mainly mothers that do the child rearing all the demands do fall on the shoulders of women. Generally AP psychologists do not address the sociological difficulties of demanding so much of mothers in a society that offers so little support for them. However, in principle a father or or other caregiver could offer AP care just as easily as a mother (with the expedition of the birth and breastfeeding).

So, to get back to your question OP, as long as the CM follows similar principles to you, then you can continue with AP.

Seriously though, how is it helpful to attachment parent for a couple of years!! Surely that cant be mentally healthy for a child? I always thought it was just for first 6 months or so, then they start to be more independent.

You can be a loving, kind and caring parent. You can support your child, enjoy time together and show them your love. None of that is ruined by working. I’m not at all sure it needs a catchy name.

I think the first reply totally nailed it!!

Stop letting people on social media make you feel bad. You love and care for your dd, do your best for her in every way. You need to work to achieve this. That's fine!!

What a load of shite. AP is a misogynistic take on the theory of attachment. It is not based on any evidence whatsoever, just very fashionable at the moment. You don’t need to breastfeed, co sleep, babywear, cloth nappy (god knows how that even comes into it!) to have a secure attachment.

Well I can certainly tell you that in the past people lived in tribes and many women looked after the child.
So the attachment with one person, the mother. is utter shite

"I need to go back to work to pay bills and afford to raise my little one"

You'd be more likely to "physiologically damage" your child if your choices leave you both homeless and relying on foodbanks

To be full-on AP like your frenemies requires the privilege of independent wealth,
or a 2nd parent who can earn enough to support the whole family
Or to be lucky enough to be able to live on benefits until all DC are at secondary school.

What about the fathers? How can they bond with the baby, when the Mother has the baby stuck to her all day long.

Ditch the bullshit labels, unfollow the mum who made the bitchy remark, and discuss parenting matters less with your friends / acquaintances!

Take parenting decisions that seem best to you and your DP in your circumstances.

"Attachment parenting" is basically some slogan thought up to sell a book. It doesn't have any scientific basis. I'm sure you'll continue to be a great parent when you return to work, op. It was an ignorant comment, as well as a snarky one. I'd happily ignore if I were you.

Why do you need the label of attachment parent? Just be a good parent, and there are many ways of doing that, including showing your children a healthy work ethic and that woman go out and earn money just like men.

Fuck know what happens to the fathers in these situations
Don’t they ever get to settle the baby!

Sent my dd to nursery at 14 months and would have done sooner if situation would have allowed.
at 2.7 years she's a loving well balanced child who's confident, not phased by too much and I'm a far better mother for having done so.

You do what's right for you and your family and you don't need to justify yourself for it, anyway never heard of an 'attachment parent' sounds a bit unhealthy

Sounds like a quick way to divorce if you ask me.

Google Bowlby’s theory of attachment, and marvel at how far from “attachment” this pile of steaming jizz has come.

Haha

I did read Bowlby, many many years ago (pre-children, pre-pregnancy even) and I NEVER understood how his work, which looked at genuinely neglected and disturbed children, gave birth to a movement that demands women martyrs themselves for their babies in pursuit of a “secure attachment”, and then considers a “secure attachment” to be “a child who doesn’t cry in an environment that might be daunting for some”.

APs pat each other on their back about the secure attachments they’re creating, when really you don’t need to martyr yourself, you just need to... not actually mistreat them. All that hard graft and handwringing? Unnecessary.

Children learn by the examples they see their parents setting (good and bad, eg they are likely to have the same levels of education, have children at a similar age etc). Your daughter is likely to have a good work ethic and career. Her child is likely to be a smug judgemental twat. If you're not bothered about being part of the group any more, maybe you should tell her this