To think that I can have a full time job and still be an attachment parent?

[GingaNinja84]

All kicked off on my baby what’s app group. Basically I returned to work this week....couple days a week for a couple months, eventually going full time in the spring.

Mentioned this on my baby group what’s app, and another mum made a snarky comment about ‘how does it feel to be leaving all your work with attachment parenting behind?’

Am I wrong to be royally pissed by this, or is she right?

I get it. The main principles of AP imply that you’re barely supposed to be separated from your baby for those first few years. But I can’t afford that. I need to go back to work to pay bills and afford to raise my little one...and now this woman is making me feel like all of a sudden I can’t be attached to my baby any more?!

For the record....I’m still exclusively breastfeeding, babywearing, co-sleeping and everything else AP entails. I just won’t be with my little girl between 9am - 5pm Monday to Friday.

AIBU to believe I can be an attachment parent and still work full time? Or am I physiologically damaging my child by going back to work? She’s 11 months old.

WTF is this attachement parenting thing? I went back to work 3 months after baby was born. He's now 14 years old and adores me still and loves me. It seems like yet something else to make us working mothers feel bad. I'm so glad I'm well away from that age of child as wouldn't want to be judged !

In the article I posted the anecdotal evidence was that men in the main did not chose this type of parenting and 3 out of the 5 couples ended up divorced

I agree she’s a cow.
I’ve followed AP by default to get some sleep! Co sleeping, breastfeeding and carrying a baby all seemed the easiest routes.
I also work full time and don’t give a monkeys what anyone thinks.
Go back to work, enjoy your job and your baby and ignore this disgraceful woman

Bowlby was a psychoanalyst who carried out rather poor designed, by any standard, studies of children in very deprived circumstances. He focused on maternal deprivation and later sociopathic tendencies.

Darcie Narvaez is who you want to read on the Evolved Nest (or Evolved Developmental Nische). Her work has much greater scientific merit to start off with and she is an experimental psychologist. She developed the list above, most of which can be carried out by other caregivers and not just the mother.

Darcia. Sorry!

Some women at baby groups are judgemental cows who need their heads checked. Your plan is perfectly fine, don't let her get to you.

This:

For attachment you pretty much just need a reasonably responsive caregiver- feed them when they’re hungry, pick them up when they cry, respond to them when they look/babble at you. It really doesn’t matter how you feed or transport them.

Side point but what’s the ap cloth nappy thing?

If you kept going on about being an "attachment parent" when on mat leave then she's probably enjoying calling you out on your hypocrisy. Put yourself on a pedestal and people will knock you off.

Nah she’s just a nasty judgemental prick.

I don’t even know what an attachment parent is.

You’ll find when you work, as a mother, some other mothers who don’t go out to work will criticise. This is sometimes because they’re jealous, or they are subconsciously feeling guilty because they aren’t doing what you are doing. This kind of comment is toxic, as a PP said, and anti women. Ignore.

Like a previous PP I'm wondering if you've spoken alot about attachment parenting and that is why the woman has made this comment. Doesnt make her rudeness ok but might explain it. Otherwise, though you may not be an attachment parent in the buzz word sense, your child can still have great attachment to you and not be harmed. I am returning to work before my child is 4 months old. It is fine to do that. It is quality.

@Bottleup I don't remember mentioning I went on about being an attachment parent?

Had you read any of my posts, you'd see the I did however mention it was the ethos followed by my baby group, and so was often mentioned and discussed at groups and on the chat by all members.

You love your child.
You have formed a bond.
You work to feed and clothe that child, and hopefully provide it with the means for a good and meaningful life.
You help your child develop honesty, curiosity, intelligence, kindness and a sense of self worth.

That’s what parenting is about.

Everything else is window dressing at best, misogynist bollocks at worst.

Crack on with what you’re doing and remember anyone who tries to label you for doing the best for your child is a twat and has no place in your life.

She’s a nasty piece of work, isn’t she?
I think I’d take her down in a blaze of glory in the WhatsApp group, asking where she gets off on being such a cow.

As to the bloody labelling - can I add my 🙄 too?!

Back to work at 13 months, not only full time, but 3 nights a fortnight in another country.

Used a carrier instead of a pram for 2 years.
Breastfed until 4.5 years.
Co-slept until 9 years.

Just stop and think about the label. What parent is practising “unattached” parenting then? Load of bull!

What’re the benefits of whatsapp baby groups?!

Attachment parenting isn't much use if you can't pay for your kids housing and food. AP is great, to an extent, your mental health will take a nose dive if you are literally attached to a small person for forever! Good luck back at work.

YABU to think you can be an attachment parent. But you can be a great parent & honestly it doesn't matter. Working with a baby you just do your best tbh.
You will have different priorities when you're back in work & don't think you need to worry what your WhatsApp group think.
You will also meet a different group again once DD starts nursery then again when they start school. Nobody will worry about what sort of parent you are so long as you're nice & friendly.
Good luck back at work.

Attachment parenting sounds like a tool to oppress women.

I cuddle my baby DS, show him love, affection, warmth, enthusiasm and responsiveness. It doesn't need a name. It's just being a Mum.

No you're not damaging her by going back to work, you say she is happy with the childminder and still over the moon to see you, an ideal scenario.

What’re the benefits of whatsapp baby groups?!

I'm in 3 and find them all useful. 4 if you count the nursery parents group I'm on.
My 'local town mums' and nursery groups are useful for local info like toddler groups/medical stuff (like which of the 2 local hospitals people gave birth in) or just seeing who is free to meet up in the park or go have coffee at soft play with.

My NCT group and my 'close school friends who are now mums' groups we give more 'emotional' advice about marriage/finances/DCs behaviour etc.

Your child is happy, which is what counts.

If you feel like responding to the snarky one just say your circumstances have changed and don't get drawn into discussing her question.

Then leave the group, as such rigidly defined criteria no longer serve your needs.

As has been said upthread, you can't be an AP while working. It doesn't stop you from being a good parent. Nor does AP = good parenting/bad parenting. Though frankly it would have been my idea of hell.

I worked part time when DS was 11m and continued to breastfed, co sleep and baby wear. I also aimed to treat my child with kindness, respect and dignity. You can do all these AP principles whole working full time and they are a lovely way to reconnect after a few hours apart. It will be fine OP.

All parenting is attachment parenting - babies are programmed to form attachments to their primary caregivers, if you meet their needs consistently, they’ll be attached to you. Everything else is bullshit, bells and whistles.

Leave the stupid group and drop the stupid labels. Just be a normal parent making their own choices for their child.

I agree.

It's bloody noinsense. I returned to work PT and I had some ppl making stupid remarks.

I told one of them, that as I actually had a career, I felt it was important to stay in work and having money I earn myself was really important as well.

She went on about how nobody could look after her children better than her...yet they were so badly behaved.

Ignore them OP. Such ppl get on my nerves, as if their choice of being SAHM trumps your choice of returning to work.