To think that I can have a full time job and still be an attachment parent?

[GingaNinja84]

All kicked off on my baby what’s app group. Basically I returned to work this week....couple days a week for a couple months, eventually going full time in the spring.

Mentioned this on my baby group what’s app, and another mum made a snarky comment about ‘how does it feel to be leaving all your work with attachment parenting behind?’

Am I wrong to be royally pissed by this, or is she right?

I get it. The main principles of AP imply that you’re barely supposed to be separated from your baby for those first few years. But I can’t afford that. I need to go back to work to pay bills and afford to raise my little one...and now this woman is making me feel like all of a sudden I can’t be attached to my baby any more?!

For the record....I’m still exclusively breastfeeding, babywearing, co-sleeping and everything else AP entails. I just won’t be with my little girl between 9am - 5pm Monday to Friday.

AIBU to believe I can be an attachment parent and still work full time? Or am I physiologically damaging my child by going back to work? She’s 11 months old.

And if anyone - like the PP above - is soaking to you of “repairing” bonds after a day of work as though there is damage and breakage you are causing that needs repairing at all - take a step firmly back and take a long hard look at things.

Live. Enjoy life, work and parenting. That is all there is to it.

A child can have more than one attachment - actually i dont know what attachmebt parenting is so that might be crap but i think a chikd can be securly attached to more than one caregiver allowing people to work.

Reading the OP also made me think that you have possibly talked a lot about being a 'attachment' parent. And no, you won't be able to do attachment parenting if you work full time. It shouldn't prevent you from being a great parent though, just like all those who didn't do 'attachment parenting' and are still kind, loving, affectionate and attentive parents.

I wouldn't say I talk about it a lot - but it's the ethos of the whole group so I suppose we all sort of subconsciously mention it when out and about at meet ups!

I purposefully chose a childminder over a nursery - she's wonderful, and my daughter hasn't had a single fuss since starting there. Sure, she's happy to see me when I collect her, but all the photos I'm sent from the childminder through her app show a happy little girl who loves playing with the other two children. I'd never doubted my decision to go back to work until today....but these responses make me feel a lot better! Maybe I do just need to drop the label

Message back
I'm doing a great job at doing my very best for my baby and not judging other mums

Can’t you just be a parent?

After maternity leave I've worked 3 days a week/studied/worked 5 days a week (different times!)...all that time I still bf and coslept. It worked really well for us - DS had nursery/grandma time in the day then lots of mum time at night. Only stopped bfeeding when I got pg with DC2 when he was just over 3.

Have you been talking a lot about attachment parenting? I do agree with PP about labels, just parent as you see fit. It doesn't need a name.

Well we've all psychologically damaged our children, then, haven't we?

Do what works for you. Leave the AP nonsense aside. The children i know that have been AP'd are spoiled, demanding and manipulative! Mummy wrapped around their little finger.

It's no guarantee.

I'll also maybe consider leaving the group. If they're all following AP and consider myself to not be one any more, I can't see their company being too enjoyable!

I had a similar comment when I went back to work it did upset me at the time but it was the best decision for my family dc are now 16 and 13 we are close and they are turning into amazingly strong independent people. You have to do what is best for you and your family.

Why not just be the best parent you can for your child? Labelling is just a new way of putting ppl in boxes...

I think labels are ridiculous and the opposite of AP is not unattached parenting. You can have a secure loving attachment without being next to you/with you.

I suppose it depends how much you've talked about it in the group chat and what you've said. I blocked a relative on SM for constantly talking about her sacrifices for her kids and how AP was the best way.

WhyNotMe40 has it right, you can still be an attachment parent even if you work full time.

I think posters saying you won’t be don’t know what AP is, and are commenting based on the myths like the ones the snarky woman peddled to you.

No where in AP does it say you are not to be separated from your baby for the first few years!

ah yes, forgot to mention, I am glad your baby has settled in well with new childminder and other children. However, I was a childminder for ten years and in my experience, it ix extremely difficult to put a baby to sleep when they are being constantly held, BFd, co-slept when there are another couple of kids to look after. Not saying this applies to you, but it's my experience.

Not everyone can do the whole attachment parent thing! I did much of it but my back prevented me from using a sling, it certainly didn't harm my kids (and being close in age I had a double buggy!)

For the record....I’m still exclusively breastfeeding, babywearing, co-sleeping and everything else AP entails

For the record, you can do none of these things and still be very attached to your baby.

I don't understand this preoccupation with labelling yourself as a certain 'type' of parent. Seems to be me it's just one more stick for women to beat themselves (and each other) with.

My children are all attached to me. What is someone if they’re not an “attachment parent”? An unattached one? A neglectful one?

They are mostly confident happy young things.

They have survived me working 4/5 days a week from about six months old.

I do not care what anyone - with the exception of their father - thinks about our arrangement.

Others might label my extended breastfeeding, using a baby carrier, co-sleeping approach... I call it “doing what works”. Is my friend who bottle fed, never carried, doesn’t co-sleep, but is a stay at home mum more or less attached to her kids?

The other mum is a cow, YABU to take any notice of her but honestly get over the labels, for everyone’s sake.

What a bitch of her to say that. Twat. Parenting is a bloody long haul, the last thing you need is that shit when you have a job and money to bring in. I went back to work after a year with each of my children. They couldn't be more attached to me.

Bloody hell, what a knob. I know who I'd rather have for a mother - someone who is actually a nice person.

I don't believe in labels. Some stuff I do is AP, some stuff isn't. I just parent in my own way. It's so easy to get caught up in labels, but the best way IMO to parent is to pick and choose things that work for you and your child and not worry that because you breastfeed you have to co-sleep (I didn't), or that you can't ever use a pram (I have a bad back and a 98th centile baby, you bet I'm using the pram). It's nonsense, misogynist nonsense designed to make women feel bad. Are men fretting about co-sleeping and sling-wearing and working? Are they fuck. It's another stick to beat other women with and make them feel guilty.

It sounds like you have fostered a secure attachment in your child if she has settled so well at the childminders. Isn’t that what attachment parenting is about?
Sometimes I think a lot of the people who preach AP don’t have much actual knowledge of attachment theory.
Fuck then if they are judging your choices, good friends wouldn’t do that. You’re doing a great job - that’s all your daughter needs.

Baby wearing?! Ffs I've heard it all now.
In my opinion, no you will no longer be practicing the frankly irritatingly titled 'attachment parenting' but you will still be a parent and your child will be fine. Phew.

Ps ditch the WhatsApp crew and find some genuinely supportive friends.

Isn't attachment parenting just focusing on making sure you have a secure attachment with your kid? Am I missing something? The problems of not having a firm attachment as a kid are stuff like avoidant behaviour and anger when you are older. But that DOESN'T mean not going to work! It means ensuring your child has a loving caretaker and that interactions show interest and care. Which I'm sure you do and will continue to do!

Am I mistaken about what 'attachment parenting' is? Isn't there another one where you can't ever tell the kid it's wrong? Is it unconditional parenting? That ones a load of bollocks.

AIBU to believe I can be an attachment parent and still work full time? Or am I physiologically damaging my child by going back to work? She’s 11 months old

Seriously? Attachment parenting and "physiologically damaging" your child are not the only two options out there

Anyone I knew who described themselves as an attachment parent would absolutely say you cannot keep your highly-polished badge and work full-time. But they talked a lot of crap generally and were the most prescriptive self-righteous people I've ever met in any walk of life. Focussing on how to label your parenting is a pretty poor use of your time. Make your life work for you and your child and stop getting hung up on this type of petty nonsense.

I'd leave the group. The whole thing sounds suffocating. Mothers everywhere have to work to pay the bills and their children (mine included) turn out fine.

It'll be good for your child to play with other children and learn new social skills.