To think that I can have a full time job and still be an attachment parent?

[GingaNinja84]

All kicked off on my baby what’s app group. Basically I returned to work this week....couple days a week for a couple months, eventually going full time in the spring.

Mentioned this on my baby group what’s app, and another mum made a snarky comment about ‘how does it feel to be leaving all your work with attachment parenting behind?’

Am I wrong to be royally pissed by this, or is she right?

I get it. The main principles of AP imply that you’re barely supposed to be separated from your baby for those first few years. But I can’t afford that. I need to go back to work to pay bills and afford to raise my little one...and now this woman is making me feel like all of a sudden I can’t be attached to my baby any more?!

For the record....I’m still exclusively breastfeeding, babywearing, co-sleeping and everything else AP entails. I just won’t be with my little girl between 9am - 5pm Monday to Friday.

AIBU to believe I can be an attachment parent and still work full time? Or am I physiologically damaging my child by going back to work? She’s 11 months old.

Liquid gold... seriously? I'm all for parenting how you like but you don't need to throw everyone else under the bus to elevate yourself.

My DD was FF. I'll have to apologise to her when she's older and explain that my traumatic birth and PND stopped me from giving her "liquid gold"... she might as well have got swill instead.

I had sympathy for you originally, but now you sound just as bad as your group of mother earth cronies.

The vast majority of parents are doing their best. This is why I hate the whole culture of labelling things because it does veer into 'my kind of parenting is superior'. Can you imagine how the term 'liquid gold' sounds to someone who was desperate to breastfeed but couldn't for whatever reason (I have a few friends who couldn't feed directly and had to stop pumping for the sake of their mental health).

Ginga: you do need to stop reading total rubbish and do what you want. Don’t use terms that offend others. You don’t like it said about you so don’t use terms that might offend others. Recent studies don’t necessarily show breast is best over 6 months old but anyone can do what they want. You chose to make an effort but plenty just offer a bottle. Both decisions are just fine. No one has superior parenting. Just do what you wish to do but don’t assume everyone will be the same or think you are the best ever mum for doing it. Most of us have bumbled sling and our babies are fine young people. Cutting out the angst helps enormously. I recommend it.

Bumbled along....

I always assumed I would be an ‘attachment parent’. I’m increasingly turning away from it because it’s all so wanky and up itself. My toddler still breastfeeds (on my terms though), he is carried, he co-slept until he was one (and I totally lost the will to live with it, we’ve done mostly BLW... but I’m also working, he’s had formula in the past, he eats whatever we eat including non-organic wholly processed crap at times, and I don’t pander to his every desire. Just do what works for you. As long as your child is fed, and given the opportunities to develop, socialise, and grow, you are doing just fine IMO.

I get what you meant about liquid gold. Pumping is hard, so much harder than feeding from the breast. Every drop of that milk is hard won, i know you didn't mean FF was swill that's just people projecting. It's so emotive parenting, let's just cut each other some slack.

I completely agree with the bumbling along. If pumping, having the baby sleeping with you, wearing a sling suit you and your lifestyle then go for it. When your child is 11 and starting secondary you won't be able to tell the difference between the ones who breastfed or were pushed in a pram vs a sling.

Of course you can't, unless you plan to take baby to work with you.
As long as your baby has bonded with you and father from birth, they will be attached enough.
You don't have to stay at home all day, that's attachment parenting
HTH

Oh please don't turn this into a FF vs BF thread.

Every mother has exactly the right to feed her child how she so pleases. No-one has the right to tell ANYONE how they should feed their child. I chose to pump, others feed from the breast, others feed formula. I'm happy to talk about my personal experiences but would never dare tell people it's what they HAVE to do because it's what's best, and shame on those who do.

I'm sorry the term liquid gold caused so much offence. It was never meant and I see now that it was an ill-thought out term.

As PP poster said though - it certainly feels that way when 4oz of it gets spilt!

Okay so that's thing where you start writing a post and then when it's finally posted there's like 7 replies since the one you were responding to 🤦‍♀️

Pumping is so hard I found it far harder than just bfding and didn’t bother (after my first where the mw said I should). I once knocked over a small portion that had taken a very long time. Liquid gold may have crossed my mind at that point and a few other things.

As for AP and working, you can employ AP method when you’re home but not at work. So just keep doing what you’re doing and find other support if the group you’re in is making you feel bad.

Pumping is an utter bitch.

I only did the barest minimum. And I fucking rejoiced when I consigned my pump to the bin.

'Literally apoplectic with rage'... 🙊 So Mumsnet!

@Sexnotgender That's good to hear, thank you.

I honestly thought I was being a bad mum by choosing to go back to work early rather than have as long as possible on mat leave with her. I started to think, should I actually give up work until she's a bit older, til she goes to school even? We would have had to downsize and massively change our lifestyle but could have just about paid the bills on DH's salary. It's so hard to know where to draw the line when you fear that by having someone else care for your children that you won't be 'attached'. Especially when you are in the bubble of mat leave, baby groups, baby content on Instagram etc.

*Pumping is an utter bitch.

I only did the barest minimum. And I fucking rejoiced when I consigned my pump to the bin.*

I think I pumped for about a week when I went back to work before deciding that DS wouldn’t die if he had a bottle of formula during the day. My pump has been in a cupboard at work since then 😬😂

Well done for leaving the group OP. You'll be so much happier and so will your baby. Sticking to narrow confines is unlikely to be the best way to holistically raise your child.

I had one of those crappy hand ones eurgh. A friend had a hospital strength one I don’t know maybe they work better.
I hated expressing.

But don’t you see, OP, the very reason many mums pump breast milk despite its clear detriment to their physical and mental health is because people call the milk things like “liquid gold”? That actually, we are taking away from mums doing their best whether BF, pumping or FF by using such glowing terms to describe one method?

I ff from day one, DT’s went to nursery full time from six months old, we didn’t co- sleep but my DT’s (now at Uni) tell me I’m the best Mum and we’re a very close family. I don’t understand attachment parenting and how that could make you a better parent than someone that doesn’t. With attachment parenting where does the father fit in?

Parker231 it seems they don't fit in! It's all women's work!

OP why do you care if someone thinks you didn't exclusively breastfeed? Why do you think there is a moral value associated with feeding only breast milk? None of this matters to anyone but you. You're taking others' views to heart when you really, really shouldn't give a shit.

Ask most DC in their teens or 20s and they won’t have the faintest idea of how parents fed them as babies, whether they had a pram, how they slept or even how you gave birth to them. The only person that really cares about all of this is you and the people you associate with right now. In 10 years time it won’t be a topic of conversation at all! Unless you continued to associate with parents who blame everything on how you parent in the early months!

I totally agree that you can look at children at school and have no idea about their early months. Who really cares in the end? Do what you can do and allow others to do what they can do without judgement. That’s best for everyone.

With attachment parenting where does the father fit in?

We practised most of the aspects of AP (although didn’t call it that) and apart from feeding ex-H did as much as me.

It all becomes irrelevant how you fed / held / slept etc when your baby becomes 17 and passes his driving test buys himself a car and now drives to school. Now that is scary and makes being a parent frightening.

It’s so true, I think once you have teenagers/young adults so much of this stuff we agonise over when they are babies will be completely forgotten. Even now I have a primary aged child nobody asks or cares how they were fed and I have no idea how any of his classmates were fed. It just becomes completely irrelevant and people don’t talk about it. It’s a cliche about just doing what’s best for you and your baby but it’s so true- doing things certain ways to try and prove yourself to others will just be utterly pointless in a few years anyway.