To think that I can have a full time job and still be an attachment parent?

[GingaNinja84]

All kicked off on my baby what’s app group. Basically I returned to work this week....couple days a week for a couple months, eventually going full time in the spring.

Mentioned this on my baby group what’s app, and another mum made a snarky comment about ‘how does it feel to be leaving all your work with attachment parenting behind?’

Am I wrong to be royally pissed by this, or is she right?

I get it. The main principles of AP imply that you’re barely supposed to be separated from your baby for those first few years. But I can’t afford that. I need to go back to work to pay bills and afford to raise my little one...and now this woman is making me feel like all of a sudden I can’t be attached to my baby any more?!

For the record....I’m still exclusively breastfeeding, babywearing, co-sleeping and everything else AP entails. I just won’t be with my little girl between 9am - 5pm Monday to Friday.

AIBU to believe I can be an attachment parent and still work full time? Or am I physiologically damaging my child by going back to work? She’s 11 months old.

And yes, find a new group of friends! I have a WhatsApp group (and we meet up weekly) of mum friends and we all parent differently, but because we're not utter cockwombles, we don't give a shiny shit how each other chooses to parent. I don't care if Gladys is co-sleeping but Beryl is giving formula and Maud has a baby strapped to her 10 hours a day. We all support each other because we genuinely like each other and respect each other's choices.

Attachment parents are judged as hippy label giving dicks by "non attachment parents". You can co sleep, wear baby in a sling (baby wearing makes it sound like you've stuffed them and you wear them like a mink) and EBF without making yourself sound like a superior parent.

I've been a nanny in the past and it is difficult when you have an EBF / co sleeping baby; they generally nap badly I found.

Just do what you want and need, drop the label and the WhatsApp group and enjoy the time you have with your little one!!

Also read this

greatergood.berkeley.edu/article/item/why_attachment_parenting_is_not_the_same_as_secure_attachment

and stay away from Dr Sears books and websites.

It's not AP. But does that matter?

It sounds like you and them thing that AP makes you superior. She now looks down on you. You dont want to drop the label as you get something from it.

I guess if the group sees attachment parenting as not being separated from your child then they won’t agree. However I work full time and my DD has a good attachment to me so I don’t believe working effects attachment

Why on earth does it matter what it's called?

Parenting very rarely fits neatly into one category entirely. You do what works for you and your child(ren).

You've got enough on your plate already without agonising over a label in a bloody whatsapp group!

Do what's right for you, ignore commentary from people in different situations / who have made different choices.

I continued to breastfeed after returning to work. By a year old a baby can have a morning and and evening breastfeed and your breastfeeding will be sufficiently established for it not to be a problem. It was one of my favourite times of the day. I also did Baby led weaning (before it was widely known about because I know the author), used cloth nappies and a sling. Some people probably thought I was a hippy, but I am not. I just got on with my choices quietly and I needed to go back to work, so I did. Just ignore the snarky comments. She is probably jealous.

If it helps, I co slept, extended breast fed (ds self weaned at 2), was a babywearer, baby led weaning, cloth nappied from birth to potty mum. And I went back to work when ds was 4.5 months and he went to nursery - which we chose as the baby room were able to actually give more close attention than a childminder and were happy to feed on demand, nap on demand, use cloth and ebm.
DS loved nursery, was an incredibly well attached baby and toddler to both his dad and me and has grown up to be a lovely, well adjusted teen. The whole thing of working FT (and I went back to travelling for work when ds was 6 months, complete with breast pump) really confused a lot of people who didn't think you could be a 'lentil weaver' type mum and work. But it worked for us.

DS didn't have any problems at nursery re naps, feeding etc btw

Leave the group OP for your own sanity!

You can be a loving, kind and caring parent. You can support your child, enjoy time together and show them your love. None of that is ruined by working. I’m not at all sure it needs a catchy name

I wholeheartedly agree with this.

And I have no axe to grind in the wohm vs sahm because I was a sahm myself, and I loved it, it worked perfectly for my family, now my youngest is in year 2 and I bet you couldn’t tell which kids in her class had a stay at home parent when they were babies.

Baby wearing? On your head like a hat?
Put them in a pram ffs.
Men don’t worry about this stuff.

You're not an attachment parent but you're also not physiologically damaging her either.

You've clearly outgrown the group. Leave it for your mental health

There is nothing in attachment parenting to say that noone else can care for your child - especially after the 4th trimester - but that the number of carers should be less than 5 and the primary carer should repair the relationship after any separation.

I love the faux scientific specificity of saying it must be less than five. What disaster befalls the child with five attachments that the child with four avoids?

And assuming that 'repair the relationship' is wank-speak for 'give the child a cuddle and pay them some extra attention after being away' I don't think it's exactly a rare and special parenting technique.

PS Has she struggled with someone like breastfeeding? It is easy to forget how much of a struggle it is if you find it easy. For me breastfeeding and co-sleeping were the easiest things in the world. It wasn't a choice driven by a particular philosophy I was evangelical about. I was just lazy and did what worked. Perhaps don't discuss these things with her. She clearly doesn't understand them and thinks you are high and mighty or something.

The group doesn't seem particularly helpful or supportive. I thought I was pretty well versed with different parenting styles but I've never even heard of 'attachment parenting'. Using that kind of label seems to imply that those people unable to do some of those things are somehow less attached to their children.

You might find you have raised a confident baby who is secure and knows you are coming back. We can't stay attached to our babies forever especially when we have to work. I'd be annoyed about the snarky comment though!

What’s attachment parenting?

I found that around the end of maternity leave was when differences in parenting and life choices really started to show with my mum friends. I got judged massively by some other mums for returning to work full time. Ignore the negativity and do what's right for you. Agree with pp though that using labels like AP give others an easy stick to beat you with.

And assuming that 'repair the relationship' is wank-speak for 'give the child a cuddle and pay them some extra attention after being away' I don't think it's exactly a rare and special parenting technique.

It's a load of old shite, isn't it? If you actually look into the science behind Dr Sears' claims (he's the guy who coined the phrase attachment parenting and wrote the book) it's highly dubious. It's the old chestnut of taking some good/common sense ideas and wrapping them up in guilt and misogyny. I'm sure his wife had a ball attachment parenting their eight children

Whether or not you badge yourself as an "attachment parent" is not the defining factor in whether your baby will have a good attachment to you .

If you love your baby, provide them with a consistent caregiver with whom they can bond when not with you, and are responsive to their needs, your baby will have a good attachment. You can achieve these things with a variety of different parenting approaches.

the primary carer should repair the relationship after any separation.

FFS. I completely agree with the pp who said that people who preach about "attachment parenting" often have little to no understanding of Attachment Theory.

When Bowlby talked about "repairing the rupture" in a child's attachment to their primary carer he wasn't talking about Mum's going to work for a few hours...he was talking about things like parental incarceration, or a parent being mentally ill and therefore not responding to their child's emotional needs for an extended period of time. He was talking about neglect or early trauma, not a parent going to work for a few hours then coming back which is simply normal life for many, many people.

The world's gone mad.

Op, I really hear you. I got caught up in a bunch of AP groups just before my DC2 was born ; I had just moved to England and had no network outside of my husband, so I was absolutely desperate for advice, support, etc. The AP groups turned me into a stressed out, judgey, self-righteous twat, if I'm honest. I was mortified that I had to formula feed, became othorexic because I was utterly convinced that anything other than organic, non-processed food would kill both kids...all instead of trusting my own instincts. When Dcs were 2 and almost 1, I went back to work, dropped the attachment bullshit, stuck some fish fingers in the oven and got on with it. I was a much, much happier mum once I left those groups and took all that pressure off myself. Dcs are 13 and 12 now, very well adjusted and happy, and we are still very much attached! Just get out, OP, and trust your own instincts with your beautiful baby.

Surely so long as you are making the right decision for you and your family, who cares what its called.

Come off the whatsapp group and just do whats best for you and the family.

Attachment parenting really looks like something only total wankers would do.
So I think you’re going to be just fine op!!

“Attachment parenting” is guilt-tripping nonsense. If you want to do the things it entails, go for it, but they are not necessary for a securely attached child. For attachment you pretty much just need a reasonably responsive caregiver- feed them when they’re hungry, pick them up when they cry, respond to them when they look/babble at you. It really doesn’t matter how you feed or transport them.

Why the fuck do you need to be an 'attachment parent' why can't you just be a parent?

I'd be massively annoyed at the comment and would have something to say back, but I'd equally be annoyed at myself if I believed that being an 'attachment parent' was the only way to be a parent.