AIBU to tell my 19 year old she has destroyed my mental health?

[Applepea1]

Yeah I know I probably am, she's my daughter, she's a teenager, she's vulnerable. But for the last few years everything has revolved around her, school issues, friendship issues, anxiety issues, we put everything in to her going to Uni last year and then she didn't go, plan was to save money and go this year. She's saved no money and she's just lost her (dead end) job, apparently because she's no longer needed but I think the persistent lateness, unreliability and rudeness can not have helped. I'm not with her dad and my partner doesn't really get involved. So the last few years I've gone downhill, so much crying and screaming (to myself) I am always a pretty anxious person anyway but now I am thinking about suicide a lot. The only thing stopping me is my younger child, I no longer care much about anyone else.
This afternoon I've scheduled a 'chat about the future'. Should I tell her how I really am or continue to try and be supportive and cry it out later? I actually feel like she's been abusing me, she's gets so rude, shouts, tells me I'm stupid and crazy, everything I do is wrong etc.

19 year olds are adults

They’re not though. Really.

As ever you get some who are a mature and able and independent 19 and others who aren’t so much.

IME I’d say your average 19 year old is still very much finding their way in the world, independent but unsure and ideally having the security of mum, dad or home to use as their point of origin.

Regardless of tertiary education or not, again IME its really only when you get beyond 21 that “young adulthood” begins.

On Mn everyone thinks that every single child is lovely and beautiful. If not, it's because they've been abused by a parent.

I disagree. Not all children are nice!

DH's godfather told him at 17 that the worst years are 18-25, while the young person learns in real life how the world sees them. With everyone else, I say you must not transfer responsibility for your mental health to your DD. But I agree she needs a strong shove in the direction of personal accountability, financially, practically and emotionally. And she will only learn that outside the nest.

Havent rtft. But ywbvu. Your happiness is not your daughter’s responsibility, it’s yours. You’re making her a scapegoat.

Also Check out ‘enmeshed Parenting’, does it sound like you?

I don’t think there’s anything wrong in talking to your DD in terms of “natural consequences” of any negative behaviours she has. But this is very different from outpouring, blaming her for your MH struggles. By all means go to the GP, don’t hide the anti depressants away, make appointments to attend counselling for yourself.....if she asks, be open, say you’re feeling in a low mood, but seeking support. She’ll probably guess why, you don’t need to spell it out.
Where are you at hormonally OP? Is menopause or peri menopause an issue? Have you considered that your oestrogen might be very low, this can hugely impact our moods too?
I would fully agree with other posters suggestions of seeking counselling for yourself....someone who is experienced who can tell you which of your DD’s behaviours are age appropriate and which are not - develop new approaches for yourself, new focus....it can be transformative mood wise and make you feel like you are back in the driving seat as a mum, not feeling out of control and helpless. In time, you will find that you want to forget this dark period....I know I did. Pain hurts, we generally want to move on in time and put these hard times behind us.

I left an uphappy home at 18 to do nurse training, getting away was the best thing I could have done, a new world opened up and I could be who I wanted. I really felt / hoped this would be the same for my daughter at university, I wanted her to have the life experience and the freedom. By a proper job I meant something she wants to do and enjoys or is leading somewhere or she gets training on the job. I would equally love it if she went travelling / worked on a cruise ship, anything to get her out of her childhood and into adulthood. She depends on me but hates herself for it.

I left an uphappy home at 18 to do nurse training, getting away was the best thing I could have done, a new world opened up and I could be who I wanted. I really felt / hoped this would be the same for my daughter at university, I wanted her to have the life experience and the freedom.

What you need to realise is that your dd isn't you. She has her own path to life experience which may look totally different but still be equally valid.

My parents were university educated, Sixth Form teachers, loved their subject, had met at uni and had a wonderful time. I went to university and had a great time, did a PhD, research something rather similar to them. My db started out as a trawlerman (fishing community)He , then loading cars onto ferries, various other jobs, eventually built a career in the Merchant navy and is both comfortably off and very happy with what he does. What was good for both of us was our parents' acceptance that there is more than one way to skin a cat. He would have been unhappy at uni, I would probably not have been greatly happy loading cars onto ferries. We are not the same person and neither of us is particularly like either of our parents- but we still have a good relationship.

OP - uni might not still be beyond your DDs reach. Their lives can change incredibly quickly at this age ....she’s only 19 not 39! It sounds like you’d a hope or expectation of some physical breathing space, but it sounds like this might be deferred for a while and now everyone’s stuck in a sort of rut doing each other’s heads in! What about her trying a holiday season overseas with a firm like Neilson, Tui etc? She might find the idea of socialising, working and earning money somewhere glam and sunny v appealing?!

I think that the key is you are still the major role model. So role model for her.

You don’t want her to go around blaming other people for her mental health issues do you?

You want her to take responsibility. But you also want her to know, surely, that you can offer support but that it comes with boundaries.

As boundaries protect our own mental health from being impacted too much by other people’s issues and going under.

It’s vital you frame this by being who you want her to be.

You don’t want her to go around blaming other people for her mental health issues do you

But op is doing just that

You can have a discussion with her where you explain your mental health issues without blaming her for it. Telling her that she is destroying your mental health institute going to help anything and she will remember it for the rest of her life.

Please, please don’t. My mother used to do this and to this day I haven’t forgotten it and it still hurts… She also mentions how miserable she gets about my disability… Something else which I can’t stand. Although as I’ve gotten older I’ve become a little bit more understanding… But there are just some things you don’t need to share with your children.

Firstly @Applepea1 I feel for you both. But please don't tell her this, things said in anger and frustration do everlasting harm and you will regret it.

From my experience these are the hardest years. My dd1 is now 22, went to uni but lived at home and was a raging demanding bratty screaming nightmare.

Just keep going with clear boundaries. If she starts screaming walk away, a simple 'Please don't speak to me like that, it's rude and unpleasant' will suffice. Then don't engage with her unless she is being reasonable.

Take some time for self care, see a therapist if you can, go to a class, get out of the house and away from the negative emotions, go for a walk.

My dtwins are nearly 18 and whilst not as dramatic for want of a better word, they are both inclined to become overly emotionally bogged down with peer dramas and life. It takes constant work to keep them both on a level footing. Fortunately they both talk so there is ongoing dialogue.

Give me a toddler, sleep deprivation and a handful of supermarket tantrums any day! As my dm says - this is just another phase and it will pass eventually.

I agree with Oblomov

The adult in question is being abusive and is having an impact on op’s mental health as it would on anybody’s. If it was physical she’d have all the sympathy under the sun. Abusing somebody mentally is just as serious. It’s not ok and shouldn’t be excused. It is in op’s dd’s best interest to know the impact of her actions.

I don’t know how rich she is as to affording a counsellor or what a counsellor would suggest- ignoring being abused and putting up with it I’m pretty sure wouldn’t be their first line of advice.

I really do think op you need to tell her what an impact it is having, how it needs to stop or she’ll have to move out. Could you go to the GP and ask what support she’d get independently. Do you have other children?.

Your youngest child is the priority and his/ her needs trump the now fully grown adult. He/ she shouldn’t be in a house with this type of abuse or witnessing their mother subjected to it. He/ she also needs a mother not on her knees thinking if suicide.It has to stop.

Many older people left home at 17/18/19 - but looking back, was it really the best choice?

She is being bratty and it's not fair on the rest of the household. I think 19 these days isn't really adult, they seem much younger for longer.

I would tell her you're exhausted and it's time for her to start behaving in a more adult way towards you. And help her draw up a solid plan.

I feel for you, she'll be nice again in a decade or so

From my experience, although it’s true, going down the route of telling her this shifts the focus from her to you. We’re all human and I’ll admit I’ve slipped up this way with my dc. They’re extreme and it does affect my mental health.

But then what happens they get defensive and can be quite cruel and you are left feeling worse. She’ll know it already- she’s unlikely to have a massive epiphany- the talk is pointless and will upset you both.

I think as others have suggested continue to focus on supporting her to become independent. You can take a firm line but leave your mh out of it. I think. It’ll make it worse for you not better.

Yes I think that some posters have found the answer Apple Your children are NOT YOU . They are different people with different needs and personalities.

No one has a perfect home or perfect life. Just try to let go of the controlling instinct , that I know we all have to some extent when it comes to our children. We made a conscious decision to stop making our children into ourselves. They are all happy adults now and have lives they have CHOSEN FOR THEMSELVES.

Many parents I know, myself included, are relatively grounded, come from a totally loving and supportive childhood, have never had any MH issues, and then have a difficult / ASD child, that utterly utterly breaks them. Agree to some extent with this.

I think telling a difficult child that they have affected your MH, is perfectly ok. Absolutely disagree with this if your child has ASD or MH issues of their own, because it's an awful thing to do. How the hell will that help?

(Parent of one 'normally difficult' youngster and one 'very difficult for reasons largely beyond their control'.)

YABU. You signed up for this when you become a parent. She sounds very depressed.

You had an unhappy home life and left at 18 - maybe your DD being at this stage of life is triggering stuff about your own family trauma.

Undoubtedly you have passed some of that unresolved trauma on to her. Without a doubt.

Your job is to stay calm. To be supportive. And to apply boundaries. If you think that she would benefit from moving out, tell her you will help plan this.

She could be a community service volunteer for a while.

Whatever you do, don’t rant and spray your own emotional problems all over her. That would only create more problems for her which will then hinder her further.

@Oliversmumsarmy that was my point. If she doesn’t want her daughter to go around blaming other people for her MH issues, then she can’t do this either. Boundaries are the key. And she can make that know clearly - e.g.
I’m going to need to walk away from you if you do x or y, as it affects me and is no way to speak to anyone. I cannot fund x or y or whatever. Sometimes I also need to take care of myself too which means I need to go out, have a safe place at home where no one, even my daughter shouts at me. However I’ll still give you support in z way.

You can make 1001 suggestions about what she could do but until she knows what she wants to do herself then she won’t have the focus she needs to achieve her goals

Ds struggled with his career options until we started to do on line careers tests and listed every possibility down. He did loads of them.

We listed sheets and sheets of A4 printed lines of different career possibilities from the results of his careers tests. eg if it said builder we listed everything to do with the building trade plumber, brick layer, electrician etc

A lot he knew what the job was but didn’t fancy doing it so crossed them off. Then some we looked at on more detail and either left it on or crossed it off.

Finally came down to 2 separate types of career. One was a trade and the sensible option and from being right at the bottom of the class in school he suddenly was put with people 2 years older and was top of the class in college.

He is now pursuing his 2nd choice of career as well.

Has your dd actually at any point suggested a career that she might like but you have dismissed.

I ask because my own mother had rigid ideas of what a career should be which was very far removed from my reality.

I came up with several suggestions but because they didn’t involve working in an office or a shop they were all considered too flighty and I needed to choose a sensible job

I ended up working in an office which did nothing for my mental health.
I hated everyday but was trapped

Atm your dd has choice and I think a lot of the anxiety she has is trying to choose for herself as well as trying to do something you approve of.