AIBU to tell my 19 year old she has destroyed my mental health?

[Applepea1]

Yeah I know I probably am, she's my daughter, she's a teenager, she's vulnerable. But for the last few years everything has revolved around her, school issues, friendship issues, anxiety issues, we put everything in to her going to Uni last year and then she didn't go, plan was to save money and go this year. She's saved no money and she's just lost her (dead end) job, apparently because she's no longer needed but I think the persistent lateness, unreliability and rudeness can not have helped. I'm not with her dad and my partner doesn't really get involved. So the last few years I've gone downhill, so much crying and screaming (to myself) I am always a pretty anxious person anyway but now I am thinking about suicide a lot. The only thing stopping me is my younger child, I no longer care much about anyone else.
This afternoon I've scheduled a 'chat about the future'. Should I tell her how I really am or continue to try and be supportive and cry it out later? I actually feel like she's been abusing me, she's gets so rude, shouts, tells me I'm stupid and crazy, everything I do is wrong etc.

"You've destroyed my mental health" is a bonkers thing to say, that she'll never forget.

What's wrong with describing how you're feeling and asking to work together on solutions? If she won't, create some distance between you for both your sakes.

I wouldn’t say she’s destroyed it but would perhaps say it’s having a massive impact.I think she needs to take responsibility for her actions as she will have to in the big wide world. Nobody can treat people like shit and get away with it, why should they?

Op you sound like a lovely mum who has tried her best. Dd is now 19, you’ve done your bit. It’s all very well others saying get support but get there is a massive waiting list or a cost which you may not be able to afford.

You need to look after yourself now. Dd needs to go to dad or start looking into moving out. Then you can gain some strength and be able to handle her better. Counselling for you is very good when handling difficult teenagers but expensive. Time alone whilst waiting would be very useful. You’re only human.

Honestly?.. she sounds like she is struggling too, and no matter how much you think you might not be showing the internal crying and screaming to her - she will know- it is probably exacerbating her anxiety.

it took me 2 years to get to uni- and to be honest I was better off for being older before I went-

DO NOT TELL HER SHE IS RUINING YOU LIFE AND DESTROYING YOUR MENTAL HEALTH

as the child of a mother who due to a Traumatic brain injury, ptsd etc I have had this told to be recently along with being told I was disloyal to her for trying to have something to myself - this couldn't be taken back - she did apologize for over reacting but it has effected our relationship a lot- and increased my resentment of the situation I'm in even more -

save that sort of talk for a therapist NOT YOUR DAUGHTER - and if you are feeling that bad may I suggest an urgent appointment with your GP- pills help- trust me- find a good therapist - only then- when you can be sure of broaching the subject in a calm, rational and supportive manor with your daughter should you broach the subject of her future.

I'm thinking of booking a therapy session for the both of us but not sure if that's overkill? To much for now maybe, I should concentrate on getting myself well.

First you should concentrate on your own separate therapy. You two are over-involved. And you cannot talk about your own suicidal thoughts to a therapist in front of DD, or talk about your feelings that she is adding to your psychological distress, or really share your inmost anxieties and feelings. These are thoughts and feelings that you can share with your own private therapist but would not be healthy to discuss in front of DD.

She's had no luck with job hunting so I suggested finding short term bar/supermarket work (doesn't want to do this) as she needs money.

Stop suggesting things. Sympathise with her lack of money (if she complains) and trust her to think up her own solutions. If she can't it's because she is not well enough to earn yet.

I totally understand you are at the end of your tether and maybe its even true, but sometimes as a parent you have to look further than the present.
By saying this will it make the situation better, will it help your daughter?
Sorry I think you may need to swallow this, at least for the moment.

I don’t think that you should have a formal heavy chat with her.

I don’t think that you should say she’s destroyed your mental health. She’s not responsible for your mental health. And hard as it is. We are parents. Our job is to take care of them until 18 plus a bit usually!

It is okay to say that she affects you. That is okay. But not in a guilt tripping way. And not in a heavy long chat way. It is okay to have boundaries yourself and that these are going to be increasing as she gets older. You can help her to navigate other sources of support not just you. You can show her healthy boundaries.

You can’t blame her for your ill mental health.

Coming from someone who suffers with and has had therapy for generalised anxiety and panic disorder I think it’s very unfair to blame your DD. She’s a teenager, she sounds like a normal teenager.

You would be opening a whole new can of worms if you directly blame her for how you feel. Would you enjoy making her feel how you feel? Because that’s where you would be heading.

If she can't it's because she is not well enough to earn yet.

Well possibly, but it could also be because she just doesn't really want to (like most people) and has no incentive to do so while her mother who she is treating terribly is paying for her and sympathising with her rather than impressing on her that adults have to work to support themselves whether they want to or not.

Please do not tell her that. It could have either of two consequences: (1) damage her mental health long-term; or (2) cause her to become dismissive of everything you say, and treat you as over-reacting, as a defense mechanism against (1).

You could tell her that your feelings are hurt when she is verbally abusive, and that she would not like to be spoken to in the same way. But do NOT put her in the position of being responsible for your mental or physical health, and especially do not make her feel guilty in this way for her difficulties in getting and keeping jobs or for difficulties and delays in her higher education. She will only deal appropriately with these issues if and when she decides to do so for her own sake, not yours.

You need to seek help for your own health problems: book an appointment with your doctor. While waiting for the appointment, phone Samaritans or a similar service. You do need support for your mental health issues, but you cannot expect it from your daughter at this stage.

So sorry you're struggling Applepea1

I would say it's unwise. If understandable. Children aren't responsible for their parents' mental health (even if they frequently affect us badly). We are the adults and it's our job to take care of ourselves. Putting your MH issues on her will I fear not have the desired outcome, but most likely just increase your stress levels.

It sounds to me as if though you need MH support and a bit of focus on your self-care. For your own sake, and for your daughter's.

Much of what you describe falls into the normal young adult behaviours category. Longterm thinking isn't that well developed at this age, and they are still incredibly self-centred. I have two of those and what you describe sounds familiar. But judging from friends with older offspring, it does pass. Eventually.

I hope you manage to find a healthy, non-combative way forward, for both you and your daughter.

I appreciate you're just letting off steam on here (hopefully!) but it will not help the situation/her in any way to say that. If you need more support for yourself, get it- therapy, meds, a carers' support group etc. There are dozens of meds they can try and different doses, keep going back until they find something that works for you. Same goes for therapy- honestly there are probably hundreds of kinds. Best wishes.

P.S. Do you want your daughter to kill yourself? It is a genuinely real possibility if you tell her she's ruined things, guilt trip her about a condition she can't help. She probably already feels like a burden sometimes. I'll give you the benefit of the doubt and assume you're just venting, which is understandable, but please don't do it. How would you feel if you said that to her and then she killed herself?

But she could be the cause of op’s mental health. No point in pretending not and yes she may well not want to work. There are ways of letting her know that sort of behaviour is not ok and can be abusive. Yes she can be anxious and miserable but taking it out on others is not ok.

Don’t give her cash to make up for it but if not ready for work ir uni she’ll have to work at getting her strength without abusing those around her. Being broke will be a good incentive.

Honestly op I think you’re getting some quite harsh answers. You’ve done well to get this far with very little support. If you can’t get immediate support she needs to move out pronto. A change of scene may make her review her behaviour.

You could say that you need to build your strength as the stress is getting you down. Not got access to support so she’ll need to move out until you do.

It is worth remembering that the adult brain doesn’t fully develop until mid 20’s. That’s the mature and final development and understanding of risks and consequences. Many young people until this point are totally egocentric and self focussed. It doesn’t make our DC’s behaviour ok but it does give it a level of context.

I agree with others. I completely understand how you are feeling at absolute rock bottom and even suicidal from all the insults and disrespect which has destroyed your self esteem but if you say this to her you could damage your future relationship together forever. I say this from experience. My relationship with my DM never recovered from a similar situation.
Get some counselling for yourself now right away and look after yourself. It is not your fault but you must talk to someone. Talk to Samaritans, other parents, anyone. As someone said she is being a fairly normal teenager for what its worth - but that doesn't help you. Let her fail, let her do a "dead end job" it might be the making of her - she will work it out in the end and if not you can't do anymore. Look after yourself. What about her Dad or any other family member can they talk to her at all. Or could she go and stay with them for a while

I can't believe people are advising against telling your daughter that she is adversely affecting your mental health, but suggesting she moves out!

I would absolutely be honest and upfront with her about this. The world doesn't revolve around her, and the sooner she learns this, the better. She is an adult and old enough to take it.

Sorry you're having such a hard time, OP

'I actually feel like she's been abusing me, she's gets so rude, shouts, tells me I'm stupid and crazy, everything I do is wrong etc.'

That is verbal abuse and you have a perfect right to tell her to stop it. It really does sound as if she has something the matter with her (if only ADHD or something- it can manifest in unusual ways- I got a first at uni but I kept having to drop in and out. I've never really been able to work to any extent. Wasn't diagnosed until I was 40. I suppose her problem could be a lot of things- she needs to have an assessment.)

Maybe you could tell her she has to seek help and follow what her consultant recommends, as a condition of living there?

Well possibly, but it could also be because she just doesn't really want to (like most people) and has no incentive to do so

I advised the OP to sympathise with her, not to give her the money. Apart from the basics of food, shelter, medical care, it is DD's responsibility to decide if she really "needs" more money than that, and if so to figure out how to get it. That's her incentive.

@BeetrootChi11i 'But she could be the cause of op’s mental health.'

I'm not denying that- that still doesn't make it a good thing to say to someone. And other people would respond to her daughter's situation in different ways, based on their emotional resilience, support systems etc.

I think the anxiety issues on both your parts need addressing.

Dd (19) has friends at uni and she says that a lot of teens go there because it is putting off getting into the real world and it is a practice at becoming an adult in a “secure” environment

I think your dd needs to be honest with herself on what she wants to do.

Does she hate f/t work or the idea of uni or is she just scared at the prospect

Dd is incapable of doing a f/t job (it would make her depressed doing the same thing with the same people over and over) she does a lot of agency work in hospitality, she baby sits, she works in a shop a few days per year and she has her own business that she is starting to get more and more work for.

University wasn’t an option as she left school before starting A levels

How is she maturity wise?

A couple of dds friends worked the summer season on a Greek isle doing repping work last year.

They then did a touring pantomime for a couple of months. Worked in a call centre or did some hospitality work inbetween.

Would getting a job where she lives on site for a few weeks/months where she has to get up and go out to work because everyone around her is doing the same thing.

It might help her over her anxiety knowing there are set number of weeks/months and then she will be moving on.

Going into a full time job or university can be quite scary as even the 3 years uni at that age seems like forever.

Does she know what she wants to do as a career?

I was the cause of exp s mh issues so he said
So I left.
Then me leaving was the cause of his mh.

If she is really the cause then do something..
.leave...make arrangements for her to leave and live elsewhere .

But I doubt that telling her she is the cause will achieve anything for either of you. Is she going to suddenly get a job or change her behaviour because she hears her mother sees her as causing MH issues?

It would be emotionally abusive to blame your child for ruining your mental health.

I understand that parenting can take a toll on mental health blaming your child will help nobody and is very unfair and burdensome.

It's not an equal relationship, you are still the parent. It would be sensible to seek some support for yourself though from friends or a partner or professionals.

Absolutely. My mum told me I had ruined her life when I was 14. If you both have mental health problems then I think it's a good idea to talk about it as you might find support and a level of understanding in each other that wasn't there before. I now don't have a relationship with my mother at all and have my own battles with anxiety and depression so I get how you must feel. Talk x

It's not wrong though to tell her that you are struggling yourself and also not wrong to draw and maintain healthy boundaries for yourself.

Gee There has been research which shows that the brain is not fully developed till late 20s (or older) she is 19 but she is NOT an adult; teenagers are well known for pushing boundaries, sleeping late, being pains etc etc. it's part of growing up and in some cases it takes longer than in others. I'm not saying it's easy, it is just what it is.