AIBU to tell my 19 year old she has destroyed my mental health?

[Applepea1]

Yeah I know I probably am, she's my daughter, she's a teenager, she's vulnerable. But for the last few years everything has revolved around her, school issues, friendship issues, anxiety issues, we put everything in to her going to Uni last year and then she didn't go, plan was to save money and go this year. She's saved no money and she's just lost her (dead end) job, apparently because she's no longer needed but I think the persistent lateness, unreliability and rudeness can not have helped. I'm not with her dad and my partner doesn't really get involved. So the last few years I've gone downhill, so much crying and screaming (to myself) I am always a pretty anxious person anyway but now I am thinking about suicide a lot. The only thing stopping me is my younger child, I no longer care much about anyone else.
This afternoon I've scheduled a 'chat about the future'. Should I tell her how I really am or continue to try and be supportive and cry it out later? I actually feel like she's been abusing me, she's gets so rude, shouts, tells me I'm stupid and crazy, everything I do is wrong etc.

Your dd is 19 , some children take longer than other to become adults. On no account blame her for your MH especially as you have said that she also has MH problems.

ASK her what she wants to do. Sit down without being confrontational and have a proper conversation with her.... Uni is not nec. the answer to a happy or productive life. Maybe she felt too pressured to attend and wasn't happy there anyway. Maybe talk about your issues in a non threatening way. LISTEN to her replies. She's immature but she still needs care , as you do. Norma teenagers go through these things, how were you treated as one? Did it help? Be kind to yourself and to her.

Second that, great post from Strategic and many others.

Please don't unburden yourself on her, my DF does this to me and it's so draining, I can't be responsible for his MH any more than he is for mine. Setting boundaries and making it clear that she needs to take responsibility for her own future is the way to go. Please also focus on taking care of yourself.

My mum did this and even went into hospital with a breakdown when i left to go to university, said just the same - I had caused it.

You are the parent. The adult. Get help if you need it, but be a parent. I ended up taking a year out and being asked to go back support her etc, who struggling with my own issues.

Don;t do this to your daughter. Get your own help / support, mine never did.

Draw lines in the sand and introduce consequences for inappropriate actions. If she's being rude to you, inform her that she will not be doing that anymore and mean it. If she continues then withdraw financial support, even kicking her out. She's 19 ffs. You'll get nowhere without mutual respect, which is why blaming her for your mental health also won't be good, but tough love is good love.

@012020bluegirl your post has made me laugh and cry, thank you x

AIBU to tell my 19 year old she has destroyed my mental health?

You wouldn't really say such a thing. Afterwards it would be very difficult to repair the damage.

Cancel the "chat about the future". All that will do is upset you both. Instead make an appointment to see your GP and tell the GP about your suicide thoughts.

No matter how much your DD upsets you, you will still have to shoulder responsibility for your own mental health. And you will need to develop protective strategies so you can manage the stress that DD's behaviour causes you.

You need to accept that you can't fix your DD's problems. You making plans for her future and hoping she will agree to fit in with those plans just isn't going to work. The more you plan the less she will do.

Focus on yourself. You know what they say - put your own oxygen mask on first.

I'm sorry I don't have any advise but I really don't think you should tell her that.

You would be doing a terrible thing to place your own responsibility for your mental health on your daughter!

Your post reminds me so much of my own childhood, except I was the (very damaged) other sibling in a toxic soup made by one of my siblings & my mother. In my family, both people were equally to blame for not having developed a functional relationship by the time my sibling got to late teens, and I was the one who sought escape. I very rarely bother with them as an adult as a result, there's always conflict and drama and the relationship is as sour now as it was then... Except they need each other, it's co-dependent.

19 is very much adult. If the relationship between your DD and you is so far gone that you're talking like this, suicidal etc then you need to put some distance in place.

Not in a melodramatic "I'm kicking you out" way... simply put, show that you will support her emotionally but that she needs to develop some independence from you as the current setup isn't working.

I strongly, strongly disagree with posters saying that you need to tell her acceptable boundaries, set out rules and suchlike. In the kindest possible way, if you haven't managed to sort this by 19, it's too late.

You need to start facilitating a healthy, amicable move out / distance. And start forming a healthy mother / daughter bond with strengthening, less frequent but more meaningful interactions, not continue down the toxic interplay that's clearly been in place for years. The fact that you would even consider telling your daughter that she is responsible for your mental health (& that you haven't developed mechanisms to be this worn down over time) is a major sign that you aren't in the right mind to be acting as the adult here, and that's what she's needed. It's time for a time out.

Dont tell her that! I was told that as a child by my mother who is mentally ill. I wasn't even a bad kid. It's something I have never got over. YABU!

It's really interesting to hear that others mum's have done this and the effect it had, thank you. My mum was brought up in care post war and was very closed emotionally, I wanted to be her opposite and probably smothered DD1, especially as it was just us for many years as I split from her dad when she was a baby. He has health problems and she doesn't want him to know about her issues.
We had a bit of a chat, she tells me she'll have her uni application done by tomorrow but that doesn't mean she'll definitely go. She's had no luck with job hunting so I suggested finding short term bar/supermarket work (doesn't want to do this) as she needs money. I said I'd like her to be at university or in a proper job and paying rent or have moved out by October. It was fraught and I don't think it's achieved much, there's lots more I want to say (not about my mental health) but it's hard. I'm thinking of booking a therapy session for the both of us but not sure if that's overkill? To much for now maybe, I should concentrate on getting myself well.

I wouldnt say that to my child at any age.
Its normal that your world revolves around your children when you decide to have them.

@Applepea1

Awww, well I am glad to hear that I made you laugh a bit !!! 😬

Even if you did cry a bit too!!! 😢

I hope I (and a few others) have helped somewhat, and I promise it will get better.

I would tell her. Shes an adult and needs to know the effect her behaviour has on your mental health. Hiding mental illness and causes is not healthy for anyone. My own dbro behaviour caused my dm suicidal thoughts and has landed her on strong anti depresants for the first time in her life. She told him straight his behaviour caused it and hes been on his best behaviour since. (Was 16 now 17). I was also told when i was causing a huge ammount of stress on dm and moderated my behaviour to try not to cause her so much problems.

Book a therapy for yourself to work through your own issues. If you provide yourself with support, you won't need her to be 'successful' to make you feel OK about yourself.
She doesnt need therapy that I can see. Her only crime is not doing what you want her to and not living up to your expectations.
You suggesting she need therapy would be you telling her you think there's something wrong with her.

I haven't RTFT, but based on OP. Don't you dare say something so horrific to a young girl who is clearly struggling with the same issues as you are & is OBVIOUSLY crying out for help! The fact that you have even considered it means that you are not seeing things clearly at the moment. Putting pressure on her to get a job, go to uni, move out etc when she is in such a fragile condition would be very dangerous.

Does she have anywhere else she can stay where she could be supported, in order to take the pressure off of you both?

Personally I think you both need to see your GP, potentially with a view to trialling antidepressants. When things get to this stage I don't think the talking therapies alone would suffice, but should also be considered alongside.

You definitely have to talk seriously to her, and not let her offending outbursts get to you,as you have to be in charge of these issues. She is affecting everyone's home life with her selfish ways..

Your daughter may just be angry,that she is not achieving much in life at the moment, but she has to try and be in charge of her own life at this age,and try and be a better person, and she must know how things are affecting you right now, and its just not good enough..

The Big talk,and support might be the best. Telling her to leave is not a great idea, as she probably can't afford to go elsewhere as yet,and would probably end up in some dire circumstances.

Shes an adult and needs to know the effect her behaviour has on your mental health. Hiding mental illness and causes is not healthy for anyone. My own dbro behaviour caused my dm suicidal thoughts and has landed her on strong anti depresants for the first time in her life. She told him straight his behaviour caused it and hes been on his best behaviour since. (Was 16 now 17). I was also told when i was causing a huge ammount of stress on dm and moderated my behaviour to try not to cause her so much problems.

That's horrible.
Behave or your mother may kill herself. That's not a good way to getting children to behave. It's fucked up.

Lweji I Couldn't agree more with your conclusion, it's not a good way to 'manage' teenagers, or anybody, it's emotional blackmail, very dangerous for all concerned.

Yes you would be unreasonable. Don't do that to her and ruin her mental health.

OP
Great advice here.
Don't say that.

Pull back.
Self care should be your priority now.
See your GP.

Your daughter needs to know her behaviour is not acceptable.

Calmly, she needs to be told to shape up.

Family therapy could be helpful.
But help yourself first.

It sounds exhausting.
💐💐

Shes not a child. Its not fucked up at all in any way shape or form. People need to know their behaviour can affect other people in very serious ways what do you get out of lying to her and pretending her behaviour is ok and doesnt affect her mother? Nothing. People always preach bullying kills. Well so does shitty behavioir. Just because op is a mother does not mean she should be excluded from letting the person affecting her life know that.

I reckon that the OP isn't pretending all is well from what she says. They are BOTH presenting with mental health issues but one is the parent and the other is the child. Who should try to be reasonable here do you think Gee?

I wouldn’t purely because she will use it against you.

I have chats with my children about the future every so often to see that they are on the right track.

I think that you do need to find out what her immediate and long term plans are and how she is going to stick to them

Neither should have to pretend to be reasonable at the expense of their mental health. The daughter is an adult and mh or not she still needs to know the reality of her behaviours effect on her mother. As ive said before dd is an adult. And adults should not be sheilded from reality when they are the ones responsible. Just because she happens to be ops daughter does not mean a thing. Shes still an adult.

I can empathise with the OP’s feelings actually. I felt incredibly angry with my DD. Everything had revolved around her and her problems for months and months. I’d stopped thinking about my younger DC, stopped caring for myself, stopped seeing friends, stopped doing anything remotely nice with DH...each and every day revolves around her. It was a dreadful time in our lives and everyone suffered in the family. I went as far as to actually pack my bag to leave and the only thing that stopped me was the thought that my younger DC would wake up and feel abandoned. But it was desperate and I was close to asking her to leave. My DD does know some of this impact but not all of it. It has to be said in the right way and at the right time. Anything that actually deepens her guilt, low self esteem or hopelessness will set back her recovery and ultimately set the whole family back even further. It is often said of MH issues that recovery is 2 steps forward 1 step back. And this is how you have to think. Small goals, small steps, day by day. You need to shorten your horizons big time and forget the big scary goals, they’re along way away. Deal with the short term, this week, next week....that’s enough.