AIBU to tell my 19 year old she has destroyed my mental health?

[Applepea1]

Yeah I know I probably am, she's my daughter, she's a teenager, she's vulnerable. But for the last few years everything has revolved around her, school issues, friendship issues, anxiety issues, we put everything in to her going to Uni last year and then she didn't go, plan was to save money and go this year. She's saved no money and she's just lost her (dead end) job, apparently because she's no longer needed but I think the persistent lateness, unreliability and rudeness can not have helped. I'm not with her dad and my partner doesn't really get involved. So the last few years I've gone downhill, so much crying and screaming (to myself) I am always a pretty anxious person anyway but now I am thinking about suicide a lot. The only thing stopping me is my younger child, I no longer care much about anyone else.
This afternoon I've scheduled a 'chat about the future'. Should I tell her how I really am or continue to try and be supportive and cry it out later? I actually feel like she's been abusing me, she's gets so rude, shouts, tells me I'm stupid and crazy, everything I do is wrong etc.

to second what Bluntness100 has said. Get yourself to the GP. I think you need some anti depressants and a bit of tlc.

I would postpone the chat with your daughter entirely in case you say something that you later regret. She won't be the first young adult to mess up and she won't be the last. If your own mental health/ wellbeing and resilience was good then your young adult losing her direction for now wouldn't make you suicidal.

Would you want your younger child to think if she struggles/messes up she will drive mum to feel suicidal? That is not a fair burden to place on anybody's shoulders.

I would simply ask your daughter to consider what she is going to do now and state that living at home and doing nothing is not an option.

She's 19. She can get a job, move in to a house share and off she pops. Or she apply for Uni for a Feb start?

can apply*

OP, I have been in a similar situation and come out the other side. I got support and parent coaching on how to handle my situation which had the added joy of addiction to boot. I wanted to scream, I wanted (and actually planned at one point) to leave the family, there were days when I barely stopped crying. There is something about these child-mum relationships whereby a behavioural co dependency kind of develops and that needs to be eased a little for things to improve. But first of all, let me tell you this....your best chance of recovery (and I recognise you are now poorly) will be hugely improved by your daughters recovery. If you hugely dump on her and have an outburst this will only worsen her mental health and your recovery too.
I know it’s incredibly hard, but try and detach a little, don’t emotionally invest in her plans or whatever. She is an adult now and to a degree has to start living with the life choices that she makes...,you are not responsible now. If she lashes out at you, try and stay calm..,,if necessary raise your hand and say “enough”. There is no harm in telling her that her behaviour is hurting the family and is very damaging. But detach as best you can and focus on yourself and your younger child. It’s takes massive effort and motivation to do this, but you must, and conversely it’s really good for her to actively see this happening....it will force her to take greater personal responsibility and move away from an attitude of micro manage co dependancy that can develop and is really unhealthy. Let her fall, let her make mistakes, get ill.....you have to, this is adulthood. She wants to be independent, right? So let her experience that warts and all.

We are all responsible for our own mental health. If yours is deteriorating it's not your daughter's fault, you need to find some support.

My mother blamed me for everything (including the difficulties in her marriage, the state of her mental health). I keep her at arms length now. She doesn't understand at all and is still accusing me of causing family problems. Obviously I don't like her or want to see her at all. Be careful you don't end up with a similar outcome. Look after yourself, take responsibility for your part in the dynamic and make a choice to support your daughter or not. Don't blame her for your own problems.

I wonder, who is in control here? You, the parent, or the daughter? I'm sorry to say, but it sounds like the daughter, and sorry, again, this has happened because you have allowed/enabled this. Just say NO. No is a sentence, is it not? I'm sorry to sound so harsh, I've had issues as well, with no help available x. Say No. It's the request you're rejecting, not the person. It took 3 years of counselling for me to finally get the hang of it. Not my children, it was Dad. Bless him.

YANBU to say:

You need to get a full-time job or go to university.

If the latter, you need to save some money, so full-time job but you can continue living at home.

If full-time but not planning to go to uni, you need to get your own place.

NO more rudeness/strops/handouts.

It's time she grew up and stopped being a little madam.

BUT....

Telling her she makes you feel suicidal? Definitely not. Not fair to land that on her. I hope you are getting professional help for your MH.

You shouldn't have to live with another adult who treats you like this. Three months' notice to get a job - and make sure you take a whack of her pay for her keep - or get back into education - or get out the door. But you have to mean it. Or you'll have years of this ahead of you.

Don’t you dare. Whilst I’m totally sympathetic to where you are you risk damaging your relationship irreversibly for effectively blaming her for your own issues.

My mother did a not dissimilar thing to me at 19 and it was the end of our relationship.

Get to your GP and then examine what’s available for you therapy-wise. If you can afford to pay for it do: teens are a friggin nightmare and if you need equipping with the tools to cope then do whatever it takes. But do NOT shift the blame on her.

*for your mental health deterioration

"Should I tell her how I really am or continue to try and be supportive and cry it out later? I actually feel like she's been abusing me, she's gets so rude, shouts, tells me I'm stupid and crazy, everything I do is wrong etc."

Something I say often on here:

If you do what you've always done, you'll get what you always got.

So, if being supportive gets you shouted at and insulted - why would you have any expectation that continuing to try and be supportive would achieve anything else other than being shouted at and insulted?

So if you want any other outcome, you're going to have to take a different approach. That doesn't mean blaming her for your mental health, but I think it should involve a drawing back from being the all-supportive mother. It's time for tough love. Still supportive, but support becomes more emotional support and less financial support, if you see what I mean. They're still your child, you still love them, but you're loosening the apron strings to let them strike out on their own towards independence.

"she's a teenager, she's vulnerable."
She's 19 - no longer a child. Take a deep breath and allow her her adulthood. Why do you consider her vulnerable? Is this something specific to her, or your anxiety talking?

"This afternoon I've scheduled a 'chat about the future'."
This chat should start by asking her what she wants to do with the rest of her life. Make no suggestions. If she offers none herself, by all means ask more specific questions such as 'Well how do you plan to support yourself financially?' but don't suggest anything. This is what adulthood is about, making your own choices and your own mistakes.

Make it as positive you can. 'You're 19 now, It's not like you'll still be living with me when you're 40 (make it a nice high ridiculous age so she doesn't leap to the idea that you're throwing her out and start screaming at you), you'll want your own home and life, where do you see yourself in ten years time? How do you see yourself reaching that point?'

Keep asking questions, giving her the benefit of the doubt that she's been asking herself these already.

And yes, there should be sanctions for rudeness and insults. That is just plain tantrumming, and is the action of a toddler, not a 19-year old adult. She wants to be treated like an adult, it's time she behaved like one. She shouts insults at you, you walk away and remove one of the benefits of being in the household, like laundry or cooking - because why would you want to do anything like that for someone who's being nasty to you?

But above all else - accept she's now an adult, tell her you want to move towards treating each other as adult to adult, not child to mother/punchbag.

please do not do this. This was my life. i was the daughter that you have. i was going through a very rough time in my late teens and eraly twenties. Didn't get enough points to do what i wanted in college, got into another course, failed it as partied too hard. Went from job to job never saved a penny etc. And my mother did what you want to do, told me i drover her to a nervouse breakdown. I now have had a good few years of counselling and have done very well for myself, however my relationship with my mother is destroyed. Yes i was hard work but as counselling showed me she is also hard work and her treatment of me when i was younger plus her choices in life affected my up bringing. Now i am more grown up and am able to rise above it however i will only see my mother once a month. She is tolerated to keep the peace and i do not involve her in much of my life. Both of you need good counselling and therapy to address all issues (Some of which you wont both like) but in order to improve relatiosnhsips in fuuture this needs to happen or else they will be un repairable

OP, her problem is anxiety (if, as you say, that is why she did not go to Uni) , your problem is anxiety.

Suppose she told you that your anxiety was destroying her mental health?

It wouldn't help, would it?

It might help to have an honest talk about how anxiety affects each of you, but only if you can do that 100% without blame.

Is she still planning to go to Uni in September? Has she got a place or is she needing to submit UCAS by tomorrow?

your best chance of recovery (and I recognise you are now poorly) will be hugely improved by your daughters recovery. If you hugely dump on her and have an outburst this will only worsen her mental health and your recovery too.
I know it’s incredibly hard, but try and detach a little, don’t emotionally invest in her plans or whatever.

All this.

Also take into consideration that it may well be that her and your MH problems are hereditary. If you could get to see yourselves as allies in a tough situation that would be a great gain. Do you need medical help? Does she need medical help? Could you set a good example here?

My dd has longterm MH issues and I can see exactly the same thing in my mother (though she was never diagnosed) and to a lesser extent in myself. It's not something any of us are doing to be nasty to the others: it's shit that life has thrown at us and that we try to deal with as best we can. Dd lived at home and worked with what you would call dead end jobs for 2 years until she got the chance to go to the HE she had always wanted. Those years were really important for her transition into adulthood: because she had been ill for so long (both mental and physical issues), we later realised that she had actually missed an important part of her growing.

Try to separate actual bad behaviour from things that your anxiety makes you stress about. Being in a dead end job at 19 is not failure and should not be seen as such. My 19yo ds is behind the till at KFC. Couldn't be prouder of him. But part of his commitment and good behaviour (though he hates the job) does come from knowing that we believe in him.

If your dd is struggling with her MH I would absolutely not tell her you are upset by her lack of direction. If she manages to find a new job and keep it, that will be direction. Encourage her, make it clear she has to, don't measure what she does in terms of what you thought she might do. She is still young, she might still get there. Or somewhere else worth going.

@Bakedbrie did you get your parent coaching via a charity or company that you could recommend?

No. Don’t. My friend did this to her dd. The dd is still in therapy four years later after being unable to live with her mum any longer and struggled with suicide ideation. They are low contact now (mum hasn’t known where she is living for three years but they occasionally speak on the phone - they were completely NC for two years to protect the dd’s mental health).
I mean, on the upside, the dd did go to university and is actually studying social work, so she can help other vulnerable people. But all her mum did really was destroy her confidence further and render their relationship untenable.
Please get the mental health support you need for yourself.

YABVU and I don't know how you can even consider it. She is your daughter. If you can't help her any more that's one thing and perfectly fair enough - she's a grown up now. But the very least you can do is contain your own issues and not put them on to her.

It sounds like you need a lot of help with your own mental health; go to the GP, get your partner to support you - not with your daughter but with your own mental health.

As for your daughter, don't have the talk about 'her future' as she is clearly not receptive to your advice. Instead, have a conversation about the terms of your relationship, your expectations and your boundaries. Treat her as if she were a lodger in your home - you wouldn't put up with a lodger being rude and name calling, so you will not put up with it from her. Explain to her the consequences of her not abiding by any rules you choose to set will be she finds a new place to live. The end.

Act to protect yourself, not to wound her. That's the difference.

Agree with everyone saying don't say anything to your daughter, and go and get some help yourself before thinking about trying to sort out her situation.

Op, I'm so sorry you feel so beaten down You've had some good advice but maybe the teenagers board would be a better place for this thread than AIBU. Have a look at the "holding on to the end of the rope" threads.

My dd has been quite "feisty" over the past two years and although things have improved a bit now, the constant battles really really got me down at the time. She is a good kid actually, no drinking or smoking or late parties or anything, she was just very argumentative and moody (and still is occasionally).

The best advice I can give you is to step back a little. Let her find her own way a bit more. Stop being dragged down the various rabbit holes related to her anxiety if it is adversely affecting yours. Basically, dc do what we do, not what we say, so if you become depressed and anxious (even if she is the cause) then so will she and it becomes a vicious cycle. So step back, get less involved, tell her you are there to support in the background but now her future is up to her. Focus on your own well-being for a bit. Get some hobbies; model good boundaries and a good sense of purpose. Change direction a bit. Get some new friends and some support for yourself (therapist?) Hopefully your dd will feel more fulfilled if she is forced to take more responsibility for her own life. Good luck

Please dont do this. I was told this all my life. You have no idea how it will destroy her. Dont be nasty. It's part and parcel of becoming a parent. It will change. Shes going through some hard years

Good post, Strategic

Nothing to add to the advice, but I send love. This is a horrendously hard situation, and anyone would be ground down. You know you can't, but the temptation is solely human.

Adolescence is very hard. Here's hoping she, like most of us, comes out the other end and is happier as an adult. I wish you both the very best.

No, don't do this.
let her know she is an adult now and needs to plan and act on that plan.
Please self refer for counselling, and whilst waiting for an appointment see your gp pronto.
It sounds like you've had enough, take care of yourself

I got the coaching through adult mental health services with whom my DD was patient at that time. She had a designated MH care coordinator and I was assigned a MH support worker. My person was not qualified but actually was fantastic. I saw them weekly and basically off loaded and we talked about my language, my approach, my behaviour, my focus for the week ahead. It was invaluable. I know these services are stretched to the limit, I was very lucky. However, I don’t think there’s any harm in making your approach and saying “I need guidance and support with this” it can make all the difference!
My DD is at uni now. She’s off MH service books but I have sought and got ongoing therapy via GP service. Family systemic therapy is also worth considering. You can access this via MH services even if you are not on the books...there is a remote Skype service called Healios which the NHS use. It’s good and worth a go, they act as constructive mediators when relationships within the family are severely damaged, trust has broken down and you can’t find a way forward. We are using this now. Our situation was dark...suicide threats, self harm, substance etc. There is light OP, but you need support and I hope these ideas help.

She is NOT responsible for your mental health.
You are her mother. If anything, she could argue back that you are responsible for her anxieties, and her rudeness, etc. Do you feel responsible for how she is?

I do think for the good of both of you that you need to let go a bit and not get so involved with her.

And please seek professional help, if you don't have yet, because of your suicide thoughts. Your younger one shouldn't carry the burden (even if they are not aware) of stopping you from going through with it.