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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to tell my 19 year old she has destroyed my mental health?

199 replies

Applepea1 · 14/01/2020 12:38

Yeah I know I probably am, she's my daughter, she's a teenager, she's vulnerable. But for the last few years everything has revolved around her, school issues, friendship issues, anxiety issues, we put everything in to her going to Uni last year and then she didn't go, plan was to save money and go this year. She's saved no money and she's just lost her (dead end) job, apparently because she's no longer needed but I think the persistent lateness, unreliability and rudeness can not have helped. I'm not with her dad and my partner doesn't really get involved. So the last few years I've gone downhill, so much crying and screaming (to myself) I am always a pretty anxious person anyway but now I am thinking about suicide a lot. The only thing stopping me is my younger child, I no longer care much about anyone else.
This afternoon I've scheduled a 'chat about the future'. Should I tell her how I really am or continue to try and be supportive and cry it out later? I actually feel like she's been abusing me, she's gets so rude, shouts, tells me I'm stupid and crazy, everything I do is wrong etc.

OP posts:
Elandra · 14/01/2020 12:39

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

74NewStreet · 14/01/2020 12:39

Don’t.

thejollyroger · 14/01/2020 12:42

What does a chat about the future mean? Hers?

ringme · 14/01/2020 12:42

No, try not to if you can help it.
I’m sorry you’re in this situation, it sounds like you’ve had an incredibly stressful time. I hope you can find someone to talk about it in RL.

Myyearmytime · 14/01/2020 12:42

Time for her move out methinks.

Mintjulia · 14/01/2020 12:43

“Ruined your life” would be unreasonable but that doesn’t mean you can’t say that will gradually remove financial support over the next five years and she needs to get her arse in gear.
No hysterics just a calm statement of fact, and stick to it.
She's an adult, not a child any more. She has the same intellectual abilities and more energy than you. She needs to start accepting some of the financial & mental load.

MzHz · 14/01/2020 12:43

Save the chat for a therapist. You can’t say this to her.

But you can tell her that she is not able to just drift along like this and that she’s going to go to uni this year as planned or to a flat share with a job that’s able to support her fully. No other option available.

Original poster
Applepea1 · 14/01/2020 12:43

Yes, her plans about university or not, long term work...

OP posts:
HaggardMumofToddler · 14/01/2020 12:44

I don’t think it will achieve anything.

Can you revisit university? What was stopping her from going? Can she go to a local one? Can she go live with her dad?

andyjusthangingaround · 14/01/2020 12:44

That wouldn’t be probably I would do.
I would certainly give him a timeline to move out though.
She is over 18, adult. Needs to take responsibility for her actions especially as you have a younger child at home.

( I.e. 1 month to find a room, another month to move out, if you help with deposit, then a payment plan for that, ensure she doesn't have credit cards under your address ...)

Mammylamb · 14/01/2020 12:44

You would be very unreasonable. You need to get a grip of yourself first before tearing into your daughter. It’s probably time for her to move out as the environment doesn’t sound great for any of you

MzHz · 14/01/2020 12:45

You don’t need to be supportive no, and you certainly don’t need to allow her to abuse you! Don’t allow that. She treats you like this, she goes.

Nifflernancy · 14/01/2020 12:45

If she’s been so horrible to you then absolutely you should tell her what an effect it has had on your mental health. I wouldn’t say you feel suicidal or that she has totally destroyed your mental health - but I would say that her nasty behaviour is making you extremely unhappy.

What do you do when she’s nasty to you? Are there consequences? It’s so tricky when she’s technically an adult but obviously still having anxiety problems - how serious is that? Is she getting support from medical professionals or counselling?

Have you seen the GP? Please look after yourself Flowers

Cmagic7 · 14/01/2020 12:45

Hmmm.... that'a a tough one. I'd normally feel that it would be unreasonable for a parent to unload on to their kids, but she is now an adult, and it may help things to go forward if everything's laid out on the table. But there's a fine line between helping her see your point of view and blaming her (which in my view may make things even worse). Try to be calm, but tell her how you feel when she acts this way. I hope your relationship gets better.

Branleuse · 14/01/2020 12:45

shes 19. Tell her to move out if you need to. I think shes perfectly old enough to know her attitude and actions are affecting you.

MigGril · 14/01/2020 12:46

No you shouldn't. But at 19 she is an adult, I'd tell her to get her act together or she can go find somewhere else to live.

She can either get anther job, an apprenticeship or go to uni. Her choice but I wouldn't have a child that age not doing anything.

BiblioX · 14/01/2020 12:46

If she wants to live in your house she treats you at all times with respect. She is an adult and has to face the consequences to her actions. I have adult children, they wouldn’t dream of behaving like this but neither would I ever condone it.

GiveHerHellFromUs · 14/01/2020 12:46

You can tell her the facts about the future - she will get a full time job or go to university.
You won't tolerate her behaviour any longer and she will contribute to the household, and the alternatives if these don't happen.

Telling her she's destroyed your MH is unreasonable and unnecessary.

CoffeeRunner · 14/01/2020 12:47

You can have a chat & tell her her behaviour needs to improve towards you & within your home. You can tell her that she either needs to stick with her plans for uni or find a job to help pay her own way (whether the job is “dead end” or not is her own choice).

But please do not tell her she’s ruined your life, destroyed your mental health or anything else like that. Those are words you can never take back, even if said in total desperation.

PhilCornwall1 · 14/01/2020 12:48

You can’t say this to her.

She's an adult and by the sounds of it not a very sensible one. There are times when tough words need to be said and perhaps this is the time.

Oblomov20 · 14/01/2020 12:50

I don't think its a bad idea to tell her, in toned down language. She needs to know the effort you have gone to over the last 5+ years. The damage done to you. I have done to ds1, who is the most difficult child ever. But phrased it carefully.

Rachelfromfriends1 · 14/01/2020 12:51

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ethelfleda · 14/01/2020 12:53

She is an adult now. Sounds to me like she needs to be shocked in to understanding how bad her behaviour is if you’ve not tried this tactic already!

museumum · 14/01/2020 12:53

No you should not tell her.

But this talk about the future needs to also contain boundaries around how she treats you. Stand up to her. Do not tolerate abuse from her at all going forward. Tell her you love her but can no longer be her punchbag. If she's going to live with you she needs to show basic human decency.

74NewStreet · 14/01/2020 12:53

She’s an adult. Technically, yes. But no 19 year old needs to hear they’ve destroyed their mother’s mental health, it’s too much.
She needs to be told, calmly, that she has to be in either work or education if she’s to remain in your home. And be ready to follow through and show her the door if necessary.