He’s 4 weeks old and I hate my life

[clairindespair]

Hi I’m gonna get so much shit for this but I absolutely hate my life after having my son. Birth wasn’t pleasant resulting in emergency c section and I am in a financial crisis after student loan hasn’t been paid leaving me with 70p as formula just siphons my money (unable to BF)

He screams for food and doesn’t do anything else. Just screams. Cluster feeds all through the early hours of the morning. I’m a single mum and have no one, I’ve had 4 hours sleep in 5 days and I am struggling to keep my eyes open. My house is a mess cos I have no energy or time to clean it. I am stuck on a third floor with no lift and feel so isolated as I can’t even find the energy to take his pram down the stairs in 3 bits then reassemble it. He doesn’t smile or coo or make any noise except a horrific cry and the occasional grunt. Just cries and looks blank most of the time. I’m starting to hate him. I want my old life back. I’m off uni till May and I want to go back now. I’m so fed up. I hate my life.

@BarbourellaTheCoatzilla I haven’t used mumsnet until today? I only signed up an hour ago....

I will help you, face to face practically. Please DM me.

I have been through some of this. You absolutely should not be in this state. I have an enhanced DBS.

BarbourellaTheCoatzilla Ah, I did wonder. The response from some of the places she's gone for help didn't sound right. Still the advice is out there for anyone else who is genuinely in that position.

I only see this thread in the OP's posting history.

This is the OPs first post stop being a dick.

People often have an expectation of love at first sight with a newborn, this is not the case for many people. I had a much longed for baby, and I did not feel anything for him, felt tired and resentful that I couldn't do what I wanted. I felt guilty for feeling this way and did not realise that this can be a normal feeling. Love for your baby will grow slowly and you will not always feel this way.

I was unaware of how post-natal depression affects women, and if I had known at the time I might have reached out for help.

Please tell your GP and see if they can offer support, which might need to be in the form of medication. You are in a difficult situation right now but it will get better.

Also get the GP to check your baby, in case he has reflux or something going on that is making him cry. This might be what the cluster feeding is about. If the doctor feels the baby is fine, then do whatever is necessary to just keep your baby safe, warm, and fed.

The fact that you are reaching out online shows that you do care and that caring will carry you through this difficult time.

He doesn’t hate you.. he just really doesn’t know what the fucks happened, went from warm/constantly fed/never wet or dirty to the real world in a blink.. we’d shit ourselves too.

You definitely don’t need benefits for a food bank referral. Your local council may do welfare fund crisis grants, these can be applied for by phone or online it’s not a lot but it’s better than nothing (again no benefits needed might need to email them a bank statement to show your not at it). Apply for UC, even if you don’t think you’re entitled to a bean from them try, it’s not instant but they might then be able to refer you for further help. Call child benefit check if your forms there/processing/letters already on its way might give you a little relief knowing it’ll come in on x vs just sitting. GP and health visitor can help.

Is there anywhere down stairs you could ask about putting a locked keter box? Would let you store the pram already down there. Then again once you’ve recovered you’ll maybe be able to bump it down (empty don’t need to give tiny the Alton towers experience) built up.

Benefits is only one way of qualifying for foodbanks - others are social services, health visitor and GP referrals and other community services referrals. GPs can also put some formulas on prescription (not all) but also local selling groups sometimes have unopened tins or you can ask for any in date ones.

OP you clearly love your baby very much and you’re asking for advice and help. You’re doing better than you think just by doing that xx

Don’t pay any attention to @AutumnRose1, OP.

This stage is plain awful for many women, even with more support and money, so don’t think what you’re feeling is in any way abnormal. When my son was that age, I thought I’d made the biggest mistake of my life and was Googling adoption services in the middle of the night. I once got up, got dressed and walked out of the house at 3 am because I couldn’t stand another moment. I didn’t have PND, I just hated life alone with a small baby.

The thing is, whether or not you have PND — and you should absolutely get every possible form of support, and it’s great you’re going to your GP (and be absolutely honest when you’re there) — it gets better. You and your baby learn one another, your baby starts to respond to you, you both sleep more, you go back to your studies. You get every bit of your old self back. Just hang in there, don’t panic and keep breathing.

Also, do you have a personal tutor? I’m an academic, and I’ve advocated for my students with student finance and emergency funding in this kind of situation — it’s part of my job. Could you drop him/her an email and explain?

Hi all, would be great to get back on track to supporting the OP with their initial post.

Congratulations on being a mum and surviving sleep deprivation so far!
Student finance sucks and it's hell trying to sort delayed payments by yourself. Do you have much to do with your tutor or other students? Could they assist with chasing up and even meeting up.
Sorry to hear how unhelpful your HV is, they work in a team so rather than speaking to one, you could ask to speak to someone else.
You must be climbing the walls trying to handle that noise and seeing the same four walls in total isolation.
I wouldn't recommend going to social services, it's a one way door and after sleeping properly you may feel very differently.
There is likely to be lots of charities such as gingerbread, baby-basics and singleparents that can support temporarily.
I hope your GP appointment is a success.

OP if hes screaming so much make an appointment to your GP because it sounds like he could have colic/reflux. Honestly my DD was like this and i switched to anti reflux milk and it saved my sanity. Obviously as well as helping her being in pain too! Dont be so hard on yourself, i felt like you at some points and i promise it gets better. Take each day as it comes!

I might have it wrong but im sure your still entitled to tax credits for the baby, have you rang them and asked?

If you have a local one its worth popping to the job centre and seeing what your entitled to,

As PP's have said, food banks and baby banks will help

Its hard with newborns, especially if you dont have much support. My DS cried constantly, he fed every 2 hours and i hated it. I have nothing but bad memories and guilt from when he was small. I was very isolated and spent my days with a 2 year old who didnt nap and a newborn who fed every 2 hours, it was horrible. PND creeps in slowly, you dont even realise.

Ask for another health visitor if she isnt very helpful, if not have a look at local baby groups, getting out for a while will help you feel better

See if he likes baths? If he doesnt then a warm towel and a bottle milk will make him feel better. He does not hate you at all, babies go off feeling, if your stressed or upset he will be able to feel that,

Its hard isnt it but it will get easier i promise.

I had a lot of support with DD so enhoyed the newborn stage. With DS i had no one and had DD to look after aswell. Inwill never forget how lonely, depressing and shit it actually was. Dont feel guilty for not enjoying it, its hardly fun right now is it? But i really do suggest baby groups to get you out and about, being stuck in 24/7 will do you no good

OP, I'm not a mum so no practical advice. I just wanted to say a massive well done on finding the courage to post here. I know it can't have been easy, and to me, the fact you've asked for help shows in itself you're a good mum.

I hope your GP is helpful and that you can access some of the services others have linked to - and I wish you and the wee one all the very very best

BarbourellaTheCoatzilla Are you sure about that? It's not showing uyp when I do a search.

@clairindespair you’ve had lots of advice, in the first instance speak to uni about the hardship fund, complete the universal credit application, speak to your GP and either range some counselling thorough uni or your Gp and speak to one of your local parenting charities that have been suggested such as home start

Totally agree with everyone else. Those first months were the hardest I've ever gone through - I can't even begin to imagine how much harder it must be for you given you are doing this all alone with no support. You are a fantastic mum, Clair! It might not feel like it right now but you are doing an amazing job.

In terms of the not liking to be cuddled, screaming, etc my little boy was exactly the same. It turned out he had colic and a tongue tie (but a posterior one which doesn't look like a 'normal' one so isn't easy to spot. There are some great websites though if you have a Google who will tell you how to check for this yourself. GPs can be pretty useless, as can midwives... mine all missed it!). Anyway, when you see the GP ask if it's likely to be colic related or a tolerance to the milk he's having and if there's one he should have instead that could help. If your baby needs it then the GP should be able to prescribe it for you (free of charge) until he's 12 months old. Mine did for mine and it was literally a lifesaver!! It was called Nutramigen and prescribed for cows milk allergies which is actually really quite common.

Good luck and let us know how you get on.

Op, you only seem to respond to things about the finance and nothing about your baby..

You need to step up. You need to get him out of the flat, you need to start interacting, singing, tummy time, reading books etc.
You just have to do it. This is what having a baby is like.
At four weeks he is sooooo little.
Have you got friends you can go on a walk with?

This makes me feel sad. I wish I knew you in real life so I Coyle at least come and clean and look after baby while you slept. I know that's not very helpful saying it and I hope someone will know of something to help.

I remember being able to tell my baby's cries apart - did he need a feed, sleep, changed, was he just a grump etc. - at about 7 weeks and it was a revelation!
That's not the stuff you can ever prepare yourself for - the fact they cry so much at first, aren't always cuddly and don't respond either for what seems like forever.

Oh and I forgot to say if he is having trouble farting or pooping then try infacol..it was a lifesaver here but if he is refluxy then it could make it worse.
My boy had both and basically for the first 6 weeks we had to hold him upright until he fell asleep..took agessssss and then he would sleep on me. I proposed myself up using a V shaped pillow

Oh OP. My heart goes out to you - I have a six week old and I have felt your pain.
One of your biggest challenges is the lack of sleep - once you get some things start to get more manageable. I'm not sure on the best solution - it takes a long time to learn the sleep when he sleeps thing because we aren't designed to have such short bits of sleep. Do you have any friends that could come over and watch him for a few hours so you can shut your eyes?
Where is his father?
He doesn't hate you. He doesn't even realise that he's separate to you really. The hardest part is remembering that he just has needs and wants them satisfied. He doesn't even register that he is hungry and you must feed him - he just registers a feeling in his tummy that four weeks ago wasn't there because he was automatically fed while you were pregnant. Could he have colic?
Also, DD screams at nappy changing time - I found that heating the room kept her warmer and calmed her down a bit, and dipping the wipes in warm water also helped as they weren't as cold. And singing - maybe as much for me to drown out her sobs and for her to distract her. And then just steadfastly reminding myself that they don't stay in this stage forever.
Head butting and latching means he's hungry - or has tummy pain. DD does this after a full feed because she has a lot of gas and sucking soothes her. Is he very gassy?
It does get better - but you need support. The doctor and health visitor will help - be persistent. And don't worry about not leaving the house - I also had a section and I have lots of support and still didn't leave regularly until this last week - and that was only about three out of seven days. It's hard to go out, when it's cold and there's so much to take with you - don't beat yourself up about it. Also look for local mums groups and go to the weigh in clinics when you are up to it - I went to a BF clinic last week and just hearing two other mums tell me their babies did the same thing mine did made me almost cry to know I wasn't alone.
I hope the doctor helps today.

It is an awful stage, those first seemingly endless weeks, even harder if you have no-one to talk to or to offer practical hands on help. It is such a massive life change for anyone regardless of the age they go through it. A lot of people don't feel an immediate bond, I know I didn't with my first or last, both were difficult births. This does not mean you or I are bad or wrong not to feel bonded straight away, it comes sooner than you can probably imagine right now.
Try nibbling his little nails down, why on earth they come out with talons is beyond me !

Also the pram, i had a long flight of steps leading up to my house and my pram needed taking apart everytime to get it up and down, it was a nightmare. It put me off going out,

I ejded up getting a sling and it made such a difference. It was so much easier. I know money is an issue right now but could you post on your local facebook page asking if anyone has a spare sling or wrap?