He’s 4 weeks old and I hate my life

[clairindespair]

Hi I’m gonna get so much shit for this but I absolutely hate my life after having my son. Birth wasn’t pleasant resulting in emergency c section and I am in a financial crisis after student loan hasn’t been paid leaving me with 70p as formula just siphons my money (unable to BF)

He screams for food and doesn’t do anything else. Just screams. Cluster feeds all through the early hours of the morning. I’m a single mum and have no one, I’ve had 4 hours sleep in 5 days and I am struggling to keep my eyes open. My house is a mess cos I have no energy or time to clean it. I am stuck on a third floor with no lift and feel so isolated as I can’t even find the energy to take his pram down the stairs in 3 bits then reassemble it. He doesn’t smile or coo or make any noise except a horrific cry and the occasional grunt. Just cries and looks blank most of the time. I’m starting to hate him. I want my old life back. I’m off uni till May and I want to go back now. I’m so fed up. I hate my life.

You’re doing so well! I’m sorry if this has already been mentioned, but if you’ve not already discovered it, google ‘Tiger in the Tree’ holding. It absolutely saved us with DS1 who cried constantly from wind. I hold all babies like that now. I get initial funny looks from their parents, but I’ve never found a child who wasn’t comfortable like that.

You’ve made loads of progress over the past couple of days, well done x

Aw @clairindespair you sound like you're turning a bit of a corner already which is amazing.

I know everything is still really fucking stressful and there's a long way to go, but hearing you talk about his toots and poots and parps made me so happy!

Because hopefully you can stop beating yourself up about not instantly feeling super affectionate - it's starting already

Babies are all take at the start (which isn't their fault but it's true) so all you do is give which must be exhausting.

Think how lovely you are that you're excited another human is parping away happily!

You're doing so well and your mood sounds so much brighter than in your first post x

I just honestly feel like I’ve let him down. It’s horrific I feel like the worst mum in the world

How are you today ? I hope you have been eating OK and felt up to having some nutritious meals? If you feel despair, please don't hold it in, you are not the first and will not be the last. It is a tough time for all new Mums with a 4 week old baby, but with being evicted with only a few days notice, very little support, it is especially hard. GPs are happy to new Mums as much as needed if you need to go back.

Have you thought about suggestion to contact health visitor service and request if any additional support may be given how difficult your situation is? If you are able to request more support it is a good thing, for you and for your baby son.

You have not let him down , it is just a really difficult time and this will improve Can you can health visitor and tell them what is happening and how much despair you feel? Please do reach out xx

*call

OP I was about to say how far you've come from your last post! Everyone thinks they're the worst mum in the world at some point. You'll probably think it every year forever, it's what we do.

All that responsibility wrapped up under the promise it will all be worth it.
It totally is though and I HATED the early years. It gets better. Even if everyone on the planet is saying this to you and you won't believe then it seriously does. And anyone that tells me they enjoy nappy's and being sucked over constantly is a liar as far as I'm concerned.and don't worry if you cba to leave the place for a few days. I

used to end up staying in for day's because my dd was always being sick on me and I was then sick of doing so much washing (of my clothes as well as hers) so I used to sit and watch tv in my bra and pants for days on end so when she was sick I just wiped it off. What a slob, and I can tell you I'm a professional with a career so this was the direct opp. of what I was expecting motherhood to look like.
I got through it though and dd none the wiser. One day I'll tell her

@clairindespair Motherhood is like that, it’s Mum Guilt and I haven’t met a Mum who doesn’t have something they feel guilt about.

I think you are doing amazingly and your posts sound so much happier, I hope you are feeling that way too x

Mum guilt is horrific definitely. I will be a lot happier when I’ve got paid and such.

I just feel like I’m seeing the situation for what it is - it isn’t his fault, and I followed a previous posters advice to just look at him and stroke his face and talk to him, it feels nice

You find ways of keeping yourself sane and happy as you go.

I’m always on the look out for things that keep both of us happy. Like I said upthread, walks in the pram, into town, around the park are good for both of us, so we do loads of it. Housework can go fuck itself

Or it might be watching tv while giving him his bottle/having a cuddle.

When he gets a bit older, other possibilities will open up.

Adjusting to this new reality is one of the hardest things you’ll ever do. How could it not be? I look at the childfree people in my life and I marvel at how easy and free they are. But the rewards of having kids are immense too. They take a while to materialise though.

You’re doing a great job, don’t forget that. But do everything you can to keep yourself happy and sane too.

An acquaintance of mine posted one of those nauseating things on fb about how much she loved the night wake ups with her newborn.

And I lost all respect for her because seriously, interrupted sleep is the pits and no one loves that. It’s just bullshit posturing.

Yep it's just bullshit oh look at me. Admittedly I now have teenagers keeping me up for various reasons and that's hard but theres no denial that newborns are bloody hard work and it can be isolating and lonely but it does get better.

@clairindespair I think that is a good way to bond with baby and to talk to them as if they know what’s going on when they have no idea 😂

I quite often say things to my son who’s the same age, ‘come on, let’s go and get you bottle/change nappy/etc’ I know it most likely sounds crazy but doesn’t make them seem so much of a stranger I suppose

I’m so glad you are feeling better x

I'm glad the stroking his face is working! Sorry, my memory is rubbish but I think you said he doesn't like nappy changes etc at the moment? Mine also hated them as a newborn and hated being naked too, he screamed through them every time. I didn't take him to anything like baby massage at the time as I thought he'd turn into the purple faced monster (stealing this description from a wonderful mum blog post about how her little one hated a baby massage class and turned into the purple faced monster, screaming whilst surrounded by a sea of serene mums and babies). Now he is over four months he is fine with it and baby massage has been a lovely way of bonding with him. I went to one class and now do it at home, I'm sure you can find some videos online when he's a bit bigger?

The early days are hard, all the sleep deprivation and no feedback from the baby.

@LaurieMarlow Agreed, no one likes the night feeds. The cuddles are nice but seriously, who wants to be woken up three times a night?

Mine used to like me dancing around. I used to put music on and bounce around room holding them. The music was a boost for me and they liked it. X

You and your child need some support, you have had lots of suggestions made here please take some action to get help. Good luck and take care.

That's great that Infscol, winding him differently & sleep fit you is making a difference! Babies as all different. My DS winced easily & efficiently & preferred his head to be supported & him leaned forward. My DD likes to be up on my shoulder as she's happiest when close. Wi ding her can take absolutely ages as I need to do really slow hand movements. At 4 weeks in its completely norms, to still be finding new things about your baby that work best! Also trying heeling him uptight at the end of feeds (if you don't do that now) for up to 30 mins before putting him down. That can really help if it's colic. Luckily they can grow out of it!

Ah this is a lovely thread - I started reading from the beginning in bed then had to get on with life so just checked in at the end now and the difference in you and your mood is so positive and awesome to see!

Well done you're a great mum - keep going!!

Hi Clair - you are definitely NOT the "worst mum in the world" because you care that your son isn't happy and you are doing things to rectify it.
Also he's growing every day, so his situation is changing every day - what works now may not have worked a week or 2 weeks ago, so please stop beating yourself up, it's a futile exercise.

None of us really know what we're doing with our first baby - we all learn as we go along, and for some of us it's easier than for others because the baby has less going on with it.

Both of mine had tongue tie - this made breastfeeding them quite difficult, DS1 fed slowly and for aaaaages until his was snipped at about 2wo; DS2 fed fast, with clicking and lots of air included, and therefore threw up quite a lot until his TT was snipped at about 5w.

They both also had groin "hernias" which needed operations to fix, both done before they were 2 months old. That was fun! (No, it wasn't, honestly).

We all learn as we go and find what works. I'm glad your mum has been able to help you out with some useful tips, and allowing you to sleep - and I hope you get your money and home situation sorted quickly.

@clairindespair - you have NOT let him down! You are going through a very difficult time, but you have reached out for help - that is the best thing you could do. And yes, mum guilt is terrible - I felt like a total failure as a mum because I couldn't breast feed any of my boys - they simply didn't put on weight on my milk, and the middle one even ended up in hospital (we went in because he had a chest infection but they kept us in because, at 6 weeks old, he hadn't regained his birthweight, and they said he was failing to thrive, which terrified me).

I was involved in the NCT, and had a number of friends with babies of similar ages, and, without exception, they were all breastfeeding with no problems whatsoever, and their babies were thriving - and I felt like a total failure because mine only put on weight when I introduced formula.

I had to make my peace with not being able to breastfeed - and now I look at three healthy young men, and it is clear that, even though I was not a perfect mum, I was a good enough one. It's right to try to do your best for your kids, but we shouldn't beat ourselves up when we aren't perfect - because no-one can be perfect!

I'm glad the Infacol seems to be helping - if he is more comfortable, he will be more snuggly, and that will help a lot with the bonding.

Find the things about him that give you pleasure - I used to love the soft, velvety back of the neck - it is so lovely to stroke little babies' necks. And as they got older, the little fat thighs were a source of pleasure for me too. Lots of little pleasures add up to happiness.

Your posts have taken me right back to when I had DD by EMCS 34 years ago.
She had reflux which wasn’t a thing back then and I hated everything about being her mum and also hated her. My DH was useless and my support network crap. I had severe PND and couldn’t cope with anything. All I wanted was sleep and someone to take my DD away. I seriously would have adopted her I reckon.

Your feelings are valid. They don’t make you a bad mum just a distressed and overwhelmed one with no support . Get every last bit of help for yourself and DS that you can. Try to be kind to yourself and not beat yourself up. You will get through this and you will be ok.

There are some real nasty pieces of work on here. Ignore them. Many of us know what it is to not cope, to feel absolutely out of depths and beyond exhausted mentally and physically. And that is without the extra financial and housing worries you are experiencing.
I wish I could give you a big huge, take your DS out for a walk, tell you you’re doing ok and let you rest.
Keep on going and believing this will get better. Life won’t always be like this. It’s hard but you aren’t alone

The early days are soooo hard. I've had 3. Spent the first 4 days sat in my room with my 3rd. I had milk but was in absolute agony trying to feed, I was bleeding he wouldn't latch on properly. At 5 days when he wouldn't feed at all he ended up in hospital and I found out he had a floppy larynx. It does get better. I always hated the new born bit. If you haven't looked again Im sure as a student you are entitled to more. My husband was on student loans when we had our 3rd I know how tricky it is.

You are NOT the worst mum in the world!! You are not a bad mum at all! You’re doing everything you can for your little boy: going to gp, coming on here for advice, you’ve said your cupboards are full of the things he needs, etc. You are a brilliant mum and the fact that you’re seeking advice alone shows that! All your baby wants from you is care, safety and love. You are giving him everything he needs so please have more faith in yourself x

You’re doing really really fine :) everyone feels like the worst mum in the world some days. I really promise you I did. And I wasn’t struggling with half of what you are. Go a bit easier on yourself. X