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He’s 4 weeks old and I hate my life

999 replies

clairindespair · 14/01/2020 09:12

Hi I’m gonna get so much shit for this but I absolutely hate my life after having my son. Birth wasn’t pleasant resulting in emergency c section and I am in a financial crisis after student loan hasn’t been paid leaving me with 70p as formula just siphons my money (unable to BF)

He screams for food and doesn’t do anything else. Just screams. Cluster feeds all through the early hours of the morning. I’m a single mum and have no one, I’ve had 4 hours sleep in 5 days and I am struggling to keep my eyes open. My house is a mess cos I have no energy or time to clean it. I am stuck on a third floor with no lift and feel so isolated as I can’t even find the energy to take his pram down the stairs in 3 bits then reassemble it. He doesn’t smile or coo or make any noise except a horrific cry and the occasional grunt. Just cries and looks blank most of the time. I’m starting to hate him. I want my old life back. I’m off uni till May and I want to go back now. I’m so fed up. I hate my life.

OP posts:
NoSauce · 15/01/2020 09:11

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Alexandra80 · 15/01/2020 09:13

I have a similar relationship with my dm. Its not ideal but she adores my dc and we're low contact unless something happens. It's not ideal for op but I'm assuming she just thought fuck it I need whatever help I can get and that's why her dm is now involved. Hope you slept Flowers

Sadiee88 · 15/01/2020 09:14

You can get infacol (which isn’t that great, my baby needed prescription meds for reflux) etc from your GP. I wouldn’t be giving my address out to anyone for security reasons.

AnotherEmma · 15/01/2020 09:18

Well this thread took a nasty turn last night.
Hope OP managed to get some sleep in the end.

feelingverylazytoday · 15/01/2020 09:21

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MilleniumHallsWalledGarden · 15/01/2020 09:33

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GloriaMumsnet · 15/01/2020 09:38

Hi all, we want to pop our heads round the door as an attempt to stop all the troll hunting pleaseeee. We have no reason to believe the OP is a troll. If you've got any concerns, click the report button. Thank you!

feelingverylazytoday · 15/01/2020 09:47

Millenium personally I take issues such as PND and child abuse very seriously, not to be used as bait.
But you're right, there is some excellent advice on this thread, hopefully it will be helpful if anyone needs it.

MummyOfBoyAndGirl · 15/01/2020 09:50

OP I hope you've managed some sleep and

MummyOfBoyAndGirl · 15/01/2020 09:53

Posted too early

I hope you managed some sleep and feel more like yourself today. Can you wash your clothes at your Mum's too? Or if you haven't brought them can you go back and get your clothes? Sometimes the most basic self-care like being able to have a shower (in peace!), get on clean clothes and sleep makes such a difference, as most of us take all this for granted most of the time Thanks

bobstersmum · 15/01/2020 09:53

How did you sleep op?

MilleniumHallsWalledGarden · 15/01/2020 10:03

Troll hunting on a thread like this is despicable.

Moltonhandwash · 15/01/2020 10:16

How you doing

VioletVerity · 15/01/2020 10:23

I can't believe people have been hurling insults at the OP! Are you lot serious? Do you get some sort of badge on here for identifying "trolls"? You are not superior doing this, you look like a tit.

If you think she's trolling - why are you bothering to waste your time and comment? You look ridiculous!

OP I hope you're feeling better after sleep, sorry you've had horrible comments. I'm glad your mum is helping out & whilst she is try to take some 'you time'. I've commented a few times on here however, I'm Newcastle based if you ever need somebody else to talk to - PM me too. Thanks

22WR · 15/01/2020 10:27

Hi,

I'm in Tameside too. I have a 2 year old little boy but I remember when he was first born I really struggled. I was also 22 when I had my eldest and I suffered terribly from PND.

The children's centres in our area are brilliant. There's a group on FB that lists all the activities at the Children's Centres - It's called Grow In Tameside. There are a few mums groups on FB too - Tameside Mummies Get Out and Play, Tameside Mummies Marketplace, Tameside Mummies Days Out.

Feel free to PM me.x x

billy1966 · 15/01/2020 12:05

OP, I so hope you get the support you need and deserve.

I was a well able, mature, financially independent woman at 21, but I honestly cannot even fathom how I would have dealt with a baby on my own.

Wishing you well. You sound like a great girl.💐👍

Brig93 · 15/01/2020 12:08

I almost forgot! Try to search on YouTube white noise for babies! Honestly it save my life 5 hours non stop screaming and then additional screaming from my 11 months old.. honestly i was going mad.. I didn’t know where to jump first.. i feel you and im a single mom too so its bloody hard..sending you huggs ❤️

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 15/01/2020 12:28

@clairindespair - I hope you got some sleep last night - sleep deprivation makes everything so much worse.

Now - I am old enough to be your mum, so I am going to be firm in a mum way.

STOP putting yourself down - you are doing the best you can in incredibly difficult circumstances. And you have done the single biggest thing you could do - you have asked for help - from us, from your mum and from the GP. You should be so proud of yourself for that!!

I am sorry that a tiny minority (splattt) on here has let you down, but I hope you are heartened by the fact that most of us support you, and by the practical help you have had from your mum and the doctor.

I suffer from depression, anxiety and low self esteem, so I know how easy it is to listen to the negative thoughts in your head, and how hard it is to believe the good about yourself, but I hope you can, in time, see yourself as we are seeing you - as someone who is struggling, but is doing their absolute best!!

You don't have to be a perfect mum - none of us is. We all do our best for our children, but we are flawed human beings, so it is never going to be perfect - and it is far too easy to beat ourselves up for not being perfect - and then you end up in a vicious circle of beating yourself up, feeling bad, coping less well than before, and beating yourself up again for not achieving perfection.

I read a book before I had children, and have read it again many times since. It is called "How Not To Be A Perfect Mother" by Libby Purves - where she shares her own experiences and those of her friends 'from the coal face of motherhood'. It is funny, and human, and has helpful suggestions from Libby and her friends. If you'd like to read it, I would be happy to dig out my copy and post it to you - as a loan - you can send it back when you don't need it any more.

And just to try to give you a bit of a laugh - here's one of my stories about my less-than-perfect mothering skills:

When ds1 was in the midst of the Terrible Twos, I had some dreadful times with him screaming for hours on end. One particular morning, it was not yet 9am, and he had already been tantrumming for nearly an hour - having had a 90 minute tantrum the night before. I was absolutely beside myself - and rang dh in tears, saying I just couldn't cope any more.

Whilst we were talking on the phone, ds1 stopped screaming, so I finished the call and went to investigate (screaming is horrible, but silence, from a toddler, is a Very Bad Sign) - and I found him standing by the kitchen bin. Dh and I had had some tortilla chips the night before, but hadn't finished them, and had binned the leftovers - and ds1 was at the bin, eating the tortilla chips from the top of the bin!

But that is not the Bad Mother Moment. This is - I looked at him, and I knew, for certain, that if I took him away from his delicious bin-snack, he would start tantrumming again, and there was just no way I could face that prospect - so I let him carry on eating!! As soon as he got bored and wandered off, I emptied the bin, and found somewhere secure to put it, so he couldn't get at it again - but yes, I am the mum who let her son eat from the bin, rather than risk a tantrum. Blush

Or there's the time he got stuck in the cat flap - he was just crawling, and tried to get out into the garden, and got stuck - head, arms and torso outside, the rest inside - and I didn't realise because I had nipped upstairs to the loo. I could hear a baby crying outside, but I knew my baby was inside, so didn't worry - until I went back down and found him.

He survived my parenting, and is now 26, fit, healthy and well adjusted - and your lovely baby will be just the same, I promise. And one day he will be taller than you, and you will get the best cuddles.

GulliBelle · 15/01/2020 13:27

That sounds very hard. The good news is student parents can claim UC. (Source Gov.uk website) With an advance, payment could be in the OP's account before the end of the week!

Zebracat · 15/01/2020 13:31

Hi Clair. I hope you have had a fabulous nights sleep. I am so glad you sought help from your Mum. I hope she is feeding you too as well as caring for the baby, I am a bit worried that you have not been eating well, that definitely doesn’t help with depression. Take care and chill out, and if your Mum talks shit, just bite your tongue and thank her sweetly.

StealthMama · 15/01/2020 13:40

How ate you feeling today op? Did you get some sleep?

TryingToBeBold · 15/01/2020 14:01

Also.
You've not mentioned the father. Where he is. His involvement.
Assuming you know enough.. then contact CSA and get the ball rolling.

BendyLikeBeckham · 15/01/2020 14:24

@SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius what a great post!

OP, hope you are getting some sleep now. Nothing looks as bleak as it does through dead sleep deprived eyes.

Your mum might be a twat but I'm glad you reached out to her for practical help in the short term. Make sure she doesn't put strings on that. Even if she does, the sleep will have been worth it.

Please believe you are doing a good job with your son. The feelings you have are just the depression talking, and hormones. It is all just pared down to brain chemicals. Once the balance is put right, you will feel so much better, more positive, and the love you want to feel for your baby will come in time, either by stealth or like a head blow. Don't sweat it now. Just keep on getting through each day, doing something every day that makes you feel better.

Sorry if I missed it, but did the GP give you any meds for or advice about the possible reflux?

Seriously, keeping him upright will save you. Maybe that is why he cries when lying down for a nappy change and in the bath? And when he has just been fed. Reflux crying is often mistaken for hunger, then you get in a cycle of over feeding, more reflux, crying, etc. As for sling wearing, I do hope you give it a try. Feeling a bit trapped is nothing compared to dealing with relentless screaming day in day out. It doesn't have to be all day, just when he won't settle.

JackMummy12 · 15/01/2020 14:30

Hope today is better OP Flowers

floffel · 15/01/2020 14:37

@clairindespair - you’re doing all the right things, well done for reaching out and expressing your feelings and I’m proud of all the helpful responses you’ve received.

Would just like to share my story, as after my dd birth, I had exactly the same feelings and even used the same words that you have used, I felt that I wouldn’t have felt the same if she had been a boy. When I finally got help, I was diagnosed with PND and started taking Prozac. Things got a lot better and today my dd is happy, healthy, in a loving relationship, in the final year of training for the career she wants and has achieved a first class Masters degree.

I wish Mumsnet had been around when I had all those feelings as I knew they were ‘bad’ and wasn’t able to voice them to people in real life. Re: your baby crying, one thing that worked very well for me was to buy a small sheepskin, lay on it myself and then transfer dd to it, it provided natural temperature regulation and smelt of me so dd started to settle more easily and for slightly longer.

Wishing you and your son all the very best, please keep posting and talking.