He’s 4 weeks old and I hate my life

[clairindespair]

Hi I’m gonna get so much shit for this but I absolutely hate my life after having my son. Birth wasn’t pleasant resulting in emergency c section and I am in a financial crisis after student loan hasn’t been paid leaving me with 70p as formula just siphons my money (unable to BF)

He screams for food and doesn’t do anything else. Just screams. Cluster feeds all through the early hours of the morning. I’m a single mum and have no one, I’ve had 4 hours sleep in 5 days and I am struggling to keep my eyes open. My house is a mess cos I have no energy or time to clean it. I am stuck on a third floor with no lift and feel so isolated as I can’t even find the energy to take his pram down the stairs in 3 bits then reassemble it. He doesn’t smile or coo or make any noise except a horrific cry and the occasional grunt. Just cries and looks blank most of the time. I’m starting to hate him. I want my old life back. I’m off uni till May and I want to go back now. I’m so fed up. I hate my life.

I’m gonna get a good sleep and have a lie in tomorrow, so can abuse Netflix for a while as I haven’t watched anything in full for ages

reported splattt.

Hope you do get banned, splattt. What an unpleasant - and tbh fucking deluded - individual you are.

Either way you need someone coming round to share the job and help you get some sleep. If I was sleep deprived 31 days I'd also hate everyone.

@clairindespair I’ve been where you are; I wouldn’t wish it on anyone. The loneliness and repetitiveness of each day slowly grinds you down but the exhaustion is the icing on the cake. I wish I was closer to you. I haven’t read the full thread sorry so I’m sure you’ve been advised to speak to your midwife or Gp. They will support you.

As a mature student myself, I advise you to please speak to the finance office at your Uni - they will have Hardship Grants for students facing financial difficulties. The officer can advocate on your behalf and speak to Student Finance England.

I’m guessing you’re at Manchester Uni and I had a search for their hardship grants, it says they’ve replaced them with Living Costs Support Fund and they have opened their applications. Email them at [email protected] or complete the application on their portal. Good luck ❤️

Be kind to yourself OP, things WILL get better.
Ignore the vile posters and accept all offers of help. MN was a godsend for me 6 years ago when I'd got none to talk to, literally saved me from insanity.

You did a great thing posting here and being honest, now go get some sleep x

Just to clarify considering that knobhead has accused me of god knows what.

I haven’t accepted ANYTHING offered except advice and friendship from those local to me. I’m not a troll. And @splattt - 🖕🏻🖕🏻🖕🏻 Sit on it n swivel - my days are hard enough without people like you

Splattt you comments are awful yes I agree it hard to read a mum say they feel like they hate there baby the op is clearly feeling terrible as it is I've had and know alot of women who have had pnd and it's people like you who make them not want to speak out about how they are feeling.
You have clearly never experienced this .

OP, how have you gone from being NC with your mum (due to an abusive childhood) on page 1 to staying overnight with her and letting her look after your son for a week because "she's good with him" now?

If you're no contact with your mum because she was abusive then in no way should you be leaving your child with her for a week...

She was emotionally abusive to me as a preteen and teenager, however she did look after me properly when I was tiny.

Make your claim for universal credit here: www.gov.uk/universal-credit
As a full time student on a low income with a dependent child you are very likely to be eligible. Check the other criteria but don't delay making your claim.
More info on the Citizens Advice website too: www.citizensadvice.org.uk/benefits/universal-credit/before-you-apply/Check-if-you-can-get-Universal-Credit/

@clairindespair just read your thread & really feel for you. You've had some great advice, nothing I could add to, I just wanted to send a virtual hug & good luck with student support getting your money sorted. 🤞🏼🤞🏼 I'm a total Netflix / Prime video / Now tv binger when my depression's bad - finding something to distract that overactive brain really helps me. I'm watching Narcos 3rd season right now, started Sneaky Pete on Prime and loooooooved Succession (but it's only available to rent on Prime video for now). I truly wish you well - and I hope you feel better for sharing here & that you feel understood & supported from afar! Take care of yourself

I am so glad you kept your dr's appointment and that you told them how your feeling,well done, admitting that your struggling takes real strength don't forget that.

I know money is an issue at the moment but when it gets better have a look for a baby swing,my youngest wanted to feed constantly(she was breastfed so I felt like a sodding milking machine for weeks on end)and the baby swing was the one thing that made her happy and allowed me to have my hands and my body back for a while so I could eat,drink a hot drink,go for a pee without her screaming for me.

You could have a look online you may get lucky and find one for free,we had a fisherprice one and it was the best bit of baby equipment I'd ever had.

I have only realised today how dependant he is on me, and how I truly am all he knows. I feel so shocking and ashamed.

My mum has held him whilst I’ve been in the room and his eyes follow me when I move. He knows absolutely nothing other than my face and voice. And now his little face looks so confused as it’s not me holding him.

How does that make you feel @clairindespair

Digging under the shame- which is understandable and okay to feel- what feelings do you have when you think about your baby following you with his eyes?

Have a look, you might be surprised what’s there

But you said you didn't speak to her. Sorry OP but it's very strange to go from not speaking to her to leaving your son with her for a week (who presumably he doesn't know because if you don't speak to her then he'll never have met her).

Amazed you’re still awake OP seeing as you’re so sleep deprived.
Get some rest.

Can we all just do something please?
Everyone who doesn't believe the OP, or wants to question the OP about the details of what shes said, or people who want to be nasty, please move on.
Leave the poor woman alone.
Shes going through a rough time, and honestly what's it costing anyone to give her a bit of support?
You dont gain anything out of portraying yourself as Sherlock Holmes, just potentially damage to a person who sounds like shes in crisis.

Splattt reported you.

He loves you, so so much. And I’m sure him scratching you and head butting you must be so distressing when you’re feeling like this but he definitely isn’t doing it on purpose.

You are having the worst time of things right now, please try to be kind to yourself and realise this is most likely post natal depression and it’s definitely not your fault. The fact that you’ve sought help and opened up like this speaks volumes about who you are as a person and a mum - which is excellent by the way.

The sertraline is a great starting point and definitely work with your doctor to figure out the best dose for you. It takes 6 weeks to work but I find it usually takes effect with me by week 2/3 it also can give me lockjaw, headaches and bad night sweats so watch out for side affects as the GP can definitely help with those.

Look into PANDAS they are fantastic for helping you with postnatal depression www.pandasfoundation.org.uk their phone number is 08432898401 open 9-8pm everyday.

And you can self refer to IAPT.

You can definitely do this @clairindespair none of this is your fault and you can and will get better, I work in social care so have some good links and can help you with financial advice if you want. PM me anytime.

I’m not full of shit at all, Would you like me to post you a copy of my medical records To prove my diagnosis today?

But it's a fair point. In your first post, you don't speak to your mum. But tonight you do and she is looking after the baby for a week. So yes I agree, FOS.

Oh dfod splatt