He’s 4 weeks old and I hate my life

[clairindespair]

Hi I’m gonna get so much shit for this but I absolutely hate my life after having my son. Birth wasn’t pleasant resulting in emergency c section and I am in a financial crisis after student loan hasn’t been paid leaving me with 70p as formula just siphons my money (unable to BF)

He screams for food and doesn’t do anything else. Just screams. Cluster feeds all through the early hours of the morning. I’m a single mum and have no one, I’ve had 4 hours sleep in 5 days and I am struggling to keep my eyes open. My house is a mess cos I have no energy or time to clean it. I am stuck on a third floor with no lift and feel so isolated as I can’t even find the energy to take his pram down the stairs in 3 bits then reassemble it. He doesn’t smile or coo or make any noise except a horrific cry and the occasional grunt. Just cries and looks blank most of the time. I’m starting to hate him. I want my old life back. I’m off uni till May and I want to go back now. I’m so fed up. I hate my life.

Hey you, hang on in there. Sertraline, I actually started to feel improvement by day 5. Day 1 or 2 I felt weird but that was ok. After day 5 it took about 3 weeks to fully kick in. I did have some mad dreams but they have gone now. You may be feeling bad about how you are feeling but you already sound like an amazing mum to me. Be as strong as you can be with knowledge that you will be in a happier place soon. Xxx

Our jobcentre has citizens advice inside and does a drop in for advice and budgeting, I’m thinking it’ll be handy for future reference. Also my rent is nearly £600 a month and I really can’t afford that now so I’m hoping they’ll be able to assist with social housing advice

I am pretty sure that in these sort of circumstances some councils will find you a childminder for say 2 afternoon slots - so you can get a break. Maybe call HV and ask? Go back to GP?

I also think if you called SS and said you were desperate they may find some emergency help?

On a practical level some sort of routine would help - get up same time, toddler group, back for lunch etc... you may make some friends too. You never know People on MN hate the idea generally but I had no clue what to do & it really helped me work out how much to feed, when to put down for nap.

Hopefully the ADs will start working soon & glad to hear you have some formula in now.

I’ve filled the application form out for the uni hardship fund so hopefully will hear something back tomorrow, my mum will be able to mind him tomorrow until Friday so I’m gonna use that time to get my 🦆 in order

Ps also possibly better to take sertraline in the morning

Apologies if this has already been mentioned, but Tameside have an Early Attachment Service who can help and support you in building that bond with baby. You can be referred by your Health Visitor

www.tamesidehospital.nhs.uk/our-services/community-services/early-attachment-service.htm

Adding to the voices suggesting getting baby in the sling and getting out of the house. Small steps each day. Take it hour by hour. It WILL get easier

Hope you and your ds get some sleep now

Sorry to hear things aren't so great at the moment OP

I didn't like either of mine until they were months old. In fact, my eldest was two when I suddenly thought - I love you. For me, the more their characters came out, the more attached I got. God, I sound like a shit mother 😂 I would have laid down my life for them, but I didn't like them. It did come eventually and when it does (which it will), that love is amazing. You're doing so well so far, you can be proud of yourself.

On another note - I take Sertraline and when I first started it I noticed a distinct improvement with my mood within 3/4 days. From there it gradually got better and better.

Hugs xxx

Who’s told you that you can’t claim benefits because you’re a student?

That doesn’t apply if you have a dependent child.

I’ve been a full time student as a single mum and I received benefits for dd.

I also had help from the uni.

There is:

Benefits:
Housing benefit
Council tax benefit
Income support
Child tax credits
Child benefit

Student support:
Single parents payment
Hardship loan
Payments for vulnerable students towards books/transport/equipment

Talk to student support they’re usually pretty good on this stuff.

Also contact your local councils welfare rights office, not only can they advise well on benefits they can arrange food bank vouchers, milk vouchers and other support too.

Local churches, mosques, temples, gurudwara etc are also often good sources of help, many have their own food banks now too.

Some hold open community meal events too so not only do you get fed you get to meet others in your community.

Good you have a gp appointment.

Be honest with them and get the help and support you need.

Are you calling student finance as in the student loan people or student support? They’re different organisations.

Student support are within your uni part of the student union.

This point of a newborns life is so tough even with support.

I had a traumatic birth and Emcs too it’s a complete shock to the system and takes several weeks to fully recover from.

The sertraline may take a while to kick in too.

Glad you’re accessing support and mum is able to help in practical if not emotional terms, sadly we don’t all have emotionally intelligent parents of our own!

A sense of humour is a good sign shows you’re not completely flat, as is weirdly your anger which is shocking some on here - but again that’s better than being completely numb!

Sleep deprivation is used as torture for a reason! Getting a decent amount of sleep can really help a lot whatever your situation.

Hope you start to get the help you need ASAP.

Your mum is going to have to really step in and help you here.

There's no way on earth you can be a first time mum at your age with zero support, total isolation and no money. Omg. No wonder you can't stand it.

The no money is the real killer. I know how that feels.

So look: you've got to get through this time, and you will. With your mum helping, and hopefully the gp and some of those other support links.

Money
Can anyone lend you some while you wait for these various things to come through?
Also tell your gp you don't have money for formula. I'm sure s/he will respond with help to that. It's part of their duty of care. With your age and situation you should be an absolute priority fir support.

Sleep and looking after yourself
You need your mum's help here. Maybe she can stay longer/give you a break more often. If it's possible to let your relationship grow again, then let her help you as much as possible.

The baby
The baby is a person. The baby will grow up to be a kid, a teenager, an adult. And this is their time. And it's your time with them. But right now, the baby is feeling a whole lot of physical needs and discomforts and possibly pain, and is full of protest and despair. The baby can't talk, can't tell you how he feels. He's a little lad but he can't explain anything to you. He head butts because he can't do much else and he wants you - he wants you so much. He wants milk, yes. He wants comfort. He wants to feel ok. But also your voice, your smell, your energy - it's his world.

You need to crack the basic needs first. Food, changing, sleep. And always remember it will get easier. At 8 weeks he'll drop a feed. Then at milestone points in the future he'll drop more feeds. It will become bearable. The first 8 weeks are the hardest. It's a slog even in the best set-up with loads of support.

At this age he might want to feed every 2-4 hours. Even 1 1/2 if he didn't get enough. But bottle feeding is much easier - you can make sure he feeds until he really doesn't want any more, so he should helpfully go a bit longer between. As soon as he wakes up crying, feed him. If you have to go and warm the bottle, leave him in his basket crying while you do it, and try to ignore the noise. When you are totally ready, get him out and feed him. Don't force it - feel his pace and let him stop when he's ready. He will probably fall asleep on the bottle. Have a bib or Muslim cloth over your shoulder. When he's sleepy after food, burp him over your shoulder, and then if necessary change him at that point, when he's not hungry. You'll get good at doing it quickly in time.

Wrap him in a small blanket - read about swaddling. It works. Small babies like to feel held and secure. I always established a ritual of singing and rocking the baby to sleep. Even if they are squawking and wriggling, if you Rick and sing enough, they succumb in the end. Twinkle twinkle is a good one. And yes sometimes I sing it on a loop 100 times, but it worked.

Also if you do this enough, in the future you'll only have to sing it once and they fall asleep!

Don't expect to do anything apart from sleep in between. If you get a half hour or so with enough energy and leave to do something else, think yourself lucky.

But this is only a few weeks. Really.

Babies don't smile until at least 4 weeks and usually later. They have to learn. From you. So you need to start finding a little moment each day, when he's fed and clean, where you can lie him on the bed on a nice blanket and just stop and spend a few minutes seeing how cool he is. Stroke his eyebrows. Talk to him. Tell him Mummy is here and Mummy loves you. Focus on him as a person. Sing to him. Show him a little toy. Have done interaction with him that is just getting to know him.

Because he has no emotions yet. He's at the mercy of his own little body and he's helpless. You will learn over time how to make him happy. And he will make you very happy, I'm sure.

I could show you so much but I'm too far away. I really hope one of the support teams can help you. You need a friend 💐

Just remember:
Have a system
Stick to it
Don't panic - this will get better every day
Remember he's a little person

He's half you. That's you in there. Look after yourself.

splatt by undermining and criticising a vulnerable, exhausted young mother you’re proving yourself to be someone whose opinion is worth nothing.

And well done for ‘understanding PND’. Nope. You just understand your own version of it. So self centred.

Hope you enjoyed sticking the knife in - you’ll be the only person who got any value from your post.

whoops sorry for the crazy typos

sing and rock him

if you get half an hour with energy and focus to do something else

have some interaction with him

But this is very important:

Tell the gp how you're feeling so overwhelmed that it's making you feel hostile and reject him. This is a sign you need help - you need a break, you need not to feel alone with this. It's hard, bloody hard, looking after a baby. You need help. Put your hand up and tell them and they should step up.

I didn't realise that everyone experienced PND in exactly the same way, who'd have thought it.
Hope you're ok OP and get a good sleep.

@splattt - please will you contact MNHQ and ask them to remove your comment. I am sure you have good reasons for your opinion, but I honestly think the effect on a young woman, who is already distressed and struggling with new motherhood, could be disastrous.

We have all encouraged her to seek help, and have offered advice and support.

What you are doing is simply putting the boot in in an unnecessarily cruel manner.

Splattt it’s pretty disgusting to try make a new mother feel even worse than she does already , if she really didn’t give a shit about her baby she wouldn’t have posted to mumsnet looking for a kind word or some encouragement or advice . Your post is judgemental and you clearly know diddly squat about some women’s experiences with PND .

@splattt given the signs for men suffering with PND dotted around the maternity ward of my hospital I’d say the reaction would be the same.

@clairindespair - p,ease ignore @splattt’s nastiness.

I don’t think anyone else on this thread thinks the way they do.

{{{hugs}}}

You didn’t have to give it.

You could have worded it more sympathetically.

But no - you were cruel and unkind and should be ashamed of yourself, @splattt.

I do give a shit, and I hate myself so much for thinking anything but positive, I thought when I had him I’d even appreciate his poo explosions or his projectile sicks. I do not enjoy feeling like this. I hate it and unfortunately my support network is zero, and I’ve tried so so hard over the past 4 weeks to sort it. It’s got too much - hence going to the GP today. I’ve followed advice on here and written everything down. However I haven’t slept properly since the day before I started labour and sometimes even googling baby classes is too much and to put it blankly, after 31 nights of screaming and seemingly endless bottles - I can’t be arsed to do anything except sit in silence.

Then splatt you have no empathy.

Mothers need empathy. Maybe you should take a long hard look at your own ability to parent. I should imagine it’s less than ideal.

Ignore @splattt, please, @clairindespair.

You are going through an incredibly difficult time, on no sleep (and sleep deprivation is a form of torture), and you are doing your best.

My baby is a bit older than yours. Honestly 4-6 weeks is the toughest part for sleep / feeding as they go through a growth spurt. Things get better really quickly after that - literally overnight.

I would also suggest you speak to your HV to say you can’t afford formula any more. She will definitely be in a position to refer you to a food bank then - there is literally nothing else your baby can eat.