He’s 4 weeks old and I hate my life

[clairindespair]

Hi I’m gonna get so much shit for this but I absolutely hate my life after having my son. Birth wasn’t pleasant resulting in emergency c section and I am in a financial crisis after student loan hasn’t been paid leaving me with 70p as formula just siphons my money (unable to BF)

He screams for food and doesn’t do anything else. Just screams. Cluster feeds all through the early hours of the morning. I’m a single mum and have no one, I’ve had 4 hours sleep in 5 days and I am struggling to keep my eyes open. My house is a mess cos I have no energy or time to clean it. I am stuck on a third floor with no lift and feel so isolated as I can’t even find the energy to take his pram down the stairs in 3 bits then reassemble it. He doesn’t smile or coo or make any noise except a horrific cry and the occasional grunt. Just cries and looks blank most of the time. I’m starting to hate him. I want my old life back. I’m off uni till May and I want to go back now. I’m so fed up. I hate my life.

No I don’t have a student account sadly, I have horrific credit and don’t qualify for the overdraft! It’s poo haha I’m the only student in the world without one!

@vadam that could not be less helpful. Great for you that you've clearly not had PND, how lovely of you to to rub it in. I'm sure that makes the OP feel much better.

@vidam I felt the exact same when I read that post. The OP has been given some really good advice and support and I’ve really been rooting for her, but now I just feel uneasy with the level of vitriol she has towards her 4 week old son.

OP, you said that your mother was/is abusive. Please break the cycle for your own son and change your thinking towards him. He is so vulnerable and needs your love, not just having his basic needs met by you.

If you're able to get hold of a pair, I'd suggest using some ear defenders - this will take the edge off the screaming and will hopefully help you to feel less like you're under attack from the noise.

Having a new baby IS a massive shock - I was totally unprepared for how full-on and exhausting it was, and felt guilty for not coping.

You've had some good suggestions - using a sling instead of a pram should help you to manage to get out of the house and can be a great way to soothe your baby when you're in the house too. There are sling libraries in Manchester where you can go to try different slings out and borrow them, I think.

OP are you staying with your mum for a while or just tonight? Do you trust her enough to look after your baby for a night or 2 while you get some head-space?

Op, I've had awful pnd that put me in a psych hospital before. I went in with my DS and we had a room together. Although I felt I'd never hurt him and I probably never would have Im glad in hindsight that by being in hospital I had support and DS had people around him who could show him the warmth and affection I was finding so hard to provide. It's vital to their attachment and emotional wellbeing even that early on. I know it's not your fault, you're trying and you're on meds but I think you need something else, whether it's the crisis team or something else. Your baby is in a very negative situation that he didn't ask to be in and it's potentially risky too. You need urgent financial help, which crisis team can help you navigate, and potentially social services to come in and help with support or to give you space to heal mentally

What Alexandra80 said

I know you think you won't hurt him but from the way you talk about your feelings towards him there's a chance that one morning, at 2am, when the crying finally breaks through that last wall of sanity and you're all on your own, something awful might happen. Please reach out to SS or the crisis team.

Agree with Alexandra80

@vidam I’m with you on this. There’s been a lot of fantastic support on here for the OP but I’m increasingly uncomfortable at the hatred she’s displaying towards her son. It’s worrying.

Well said Alexandra80

OP can you talk to your health visitor about getting someone else to take him for a while, maybe a foster carer? You could get some sleep and some rest and keep visiting him.

My mum said she will have him this week. Thankfully. I will phone jobcentre tomorrow!

Phone your local surestart centre tomorrow first thing. Ours collects items to give to parents who need them, and offer an immense amount of support.

fertntwist agree. That's another option and one that can be an alternative to or done alongside hospital (if it ever came to that). There are ways to make this better op, I promise.

Are you sure your mum is suitable? Is she warm with him and quick to try and meet his needs? Hope you're OK for this eve

Yeah she’s good with him thankfully. Hopefully I will feel warmth and a rush of love soon, we’ve reached a milestone anyway he no longer cries in the bath, so that’s give me some relief

Is she going to let you sleep tonight?

Yeah I feel excited haha! Sleep....that long lost entity

You have PND. The way you feel isn't your real feelings and you won't feel like this forever. I promise. PND is a physical thing and hopefully the anti depressants will sort that soon. Apart from the PND you are sleep deprived beyond what is normal, completely isolated at the moment, learning all these new things. I was older than you when I had my first. Educated, good job, thought I knew what I was doing but was clueless and overwhelmed and I identify with so much of what you are saying.
Things will get better.
Your feelings towards him will change. Just give yourself time.
If your mother can help with your physical needs (sleep) take it for now and occasionally. At least that will be one thing. Don't start to rely on her too much. It sounds like she's toxic.
Get some sleep and please update us. You'll get there. Really x

It does get easier. It really does. It's not just a platitude that people say. It happens, eventually. You'll be into the rhythm of it and it'll hit you that you don't suddenly feel like the only humans alive when the sun sets or that he does things, little mannerisms, that you find yourself smiling at and encouraging. It comes.

I'm glad you feel she'll be good with him. Try and get some deep sleep. Pitch black room, earplugs if you have them. Just drown the world out. And try to believe that even though you don't feel it, things will be different and things can change. You have this. You can do it.

Why are you going to the job centre? I know you need money but you shouldn't be working yet! You're not physically, emotionally or mentally up working and I'm afraid it will do further damage. You need to recover

Oh gosh OP, you're obviously struggling terribly... I'm no expert but it definitely sounds like PND to me, glad you went to the GP, and I hope more help will come through shortly, keep standing your ground and asking for it where ever you can, you're entitled to help. My DD is 14months and looking back the first 8 months seem like a blur now... No one is geared up to take care of a newborn all by themselves and the fact that you've done it so far means you're badass. I can't help much from afar but just try to keep in mind that all of this won't last forever. Your little boy will develop so much over the next few months, you won't know where time went. And good on you for accepting help from your mum even though your relationship with her isn't great. You need it and it will help you, and by helping you it will help your son. Keep at it and all the best

@clairindespair the job centre can’t do anything to help you financially as you’re a student.

As I posted earlier, and as some other people have already mentioned you’re now entitled to receive universal credit payments as you’re a single parent, they do however take your student maintenance loan into consideration as income but disregard £110 of it each assessment period. The application form is online. You can also apply for an advance payment which is also online, the job centre cannot do anything or offer you any financial help (I’m a single student parent, so from experience know how benefits work).

As also previously advised. If you’re in financial hardship your uni will have a hardship fund that you can apply for, so you need to speak to them as there’s nothing the job centre or local council can do.